Collected Things

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The Loveliest Season

The leaves begin to fall around him. He stands, admiring their beauty. Soon they are up to his waist. Soon they are over his head.
   A gust of wind comes along and whisks the leaves and him away. He lands on the roof of his house, where he is surprised to find his wife sitting contentedly. They agree that fall is the loveliest season.

© 20241004



The Squirrel's Demands

A squirrel stands on the windowsill tapping its foot.
   He opens the window. "Can I help you?" he asks.
   "You cut down the tree I lived in!" the squirrel says. "Where I get all my food!"
   "Can't you just find another tree?" he asks.
   "My family has lived in that tree for generations!" the squirrel says.
   "So what's that, three years? Five years?"
   "Nevertheless, I demand reparations."
   "How much are we talking about here?"
   "One million acorns, buried randomly in your yard and temporary lodging in your ceiling until a suitable new tree is found."
   He closes the window and draws the shade.

© 20241003



Enlightenment

He was handed a goblet and told to drink.
   "What will happen?" he asked.
   "Enlightenment."
   He drinks it down. "I only feel drunk and apathetic, as if nothing matters."
   "Yes," they said. "Enlightenment."

© 20241002



The Last Day on Earth

It was a fine beach day. Until it wasn't.

© 20241001



The Vampire

A bat flew into the house through an open window. It flapped around a bit before landing on his shoulder and biting his neck.
   He waited to turn into a vampire. This is not the type of immortality he hoped to achieve in life. And, as it turns out, he needn't have worried: he simply got rabies and died.

© 20240930



The Cat Stretches

The cat stretches. It elongates like taffy. The cat's body snakes throughout the house, up the stairs and down again. It fills up every room. They are trapped within its furry endlessness.
   Then the cat begins the very, very, very long process of bringing up a hairball.

© 20240927



Turned

The sun turned green. The seas turned brown. The earth turned black.
   The people turned inward. Their minds turned over. Their bodies turned in.
   Then everything turned off.

© 20240926



The Little Man Under the Stairs

We hear the little man under the stairs banging on something metallic. He mutters unintelligibly.
   We call down to ask him if he needs anything. He seems not to hear us and continues muttering——or perhaps he is muttering his displeasure at our intrusion. We repeat ourselves, louder this time.
   "Oh, heavens," he answers in a fake little-girlish voice. "Thank you kindly, but I need nothing at this time. Pardon my noise." Then he goes back to banging and muttering in his actual voice.
   "How much back rent does he owe us?" he asks.
   She calculates in her head for a moment. "Nineteen years and six months."
   "Rent is due the first of the month or we're changing the locks!" they shout.
   "Oh me, oh my," he answers like a sultry woman. Then he starts banging and muttering again.

© 20240925



The Reminder

He needs to remember to pick up the dry cleaning. He writes a note on the back of his hand to remind him. But as the day goes by, the ink smears and he can no longer read the note he wrote to himself. He writes a note on the back of his hand: Purchase permanent marker.

© 20240924



The Eater

He eats when hungry. He is always hungry so he always eats. Friends call but he has no time for them.
   "Sorry," he says, "I'm eating."
   "We're concerned," they say. "Soon you will be too big to move."
   "Perhaps I will be satiated soon, and then I will stop eating."
   But he's never full and never stops eating. As his friends predicted, he grows too big to move. He's now no longer able to get food and stops eating as a result. He grows tired and begins to hibernate. Months pass before he wakes up. He has wasted away.
   He is so hungry! He remembers that when he is hungry, he eats. So he eats and is never satiated.

© 20240923



The Teapot

He placed the teapot on the stove to boil. He stood beside it waiting.
   After some time had passed, it had not begun to boil. He turned the flame to high and waited some more.
   More time passed and the teapot had still not begun boiling. Fine, he thought, my tea will be tepid. He poured the pot into his mug but nothing came out. When he opened the pot, the water was gone.
   He returned the teapot to the store where he had bought it. "This doesn't work," he said. "It won't produce any tea. I waited and waited for it to boil."
   "Did you fill it with water?" the clerk asked.
   "And risk voiding the warranty? Of course not," he replied.

© 20240920



Telling

A child lorded over their classmates in the schoolyard.
   "Who made you god?" one of them asked, annoyed.
   "God is dead," said the child.
   "I'm telling teacher you said that!"
   "Be my guest," said the child. "Life is meaningless anyway."
   "I'm telling teacher you said that!"
   "Forget what I said about god being dead," said the child. "In truth, there is no god."
   "I'm telling teacher you said that!"

© 20240919



The Swimming Raccoon

There was a raccoon swimming in the pool. It appeared to be doing laps.
   He confronted the raccoon and asked if it would leave.
   "Sorry," said the raccoon. "I was just trying to get some exercise."
   "Why would a raccoon need to exercise?" he asked.
   "Have you seen all the garbage I eat?" said the raccoon.

© 20240918



The Bowl

They come to a field. In the middle of it, there is a soup bowl as tall and wide as a two-story house. They stare up at it, unsure of how to investigate further.
   "Hello?" they call.
   "Hello?" a voice calls back.
   "How did you get into the bowl?" they ask.
   "What's a bowl?" says the voice. "This is where I've always been."
   "Can you climb out?" they ask.
   "No," says the voice. "Besides, why would I want to do that?"
   "There is a whole world out here beyond the bowl."
   "Oh, that sounds far too big for my liking."
   "Can we join you?" they ask. "We can build a ladder."
   "I'm afraid it will be far too crowded," says the voice. "Besides, what's a ladder?"

© 20240917



The Fight

He had never been in a fight. What kind of man was he? He decided to go out and pick a fight with a stranger. He chose a child as he wasn't confident in his abilities. With only a few punches, he made quick work of the child.
   The child's father, a giant of a man, asked him what the hell he was doing.
   "Just seeing what I'm made of," he said.
   "Allow me to show you," said the huge man, who proceeded to open him up with his fists.

© 20240916



The Drinking Glass

When he attempts to sip from the glass, the glass folds in on itself to keep him out.
   He sets the glass down and it opens up.
   Again he tries to sip and again it folds in on itself.
   He sets the glass down and it opens up. A straw, he thinks. He gets a drinking straw and drops it into the glass without issue. "Ha!" he says. He puts his lips to the straw and the glass sucks him in.

© 20240913



The Wandering Horse

A horse pulling a wagon walks through town. There is no one holding the reins. They watch it leave.
   The next day, a man staggers into town. He is ragged, with a hoofprint on his forehead. They tell him the horse just passed through town the day before.
   "I'll kill that sonofabitchin' horse," the man says.
   They ask why it kicked him in the head.
   "Must not have liked me tryin' to steal it," says the man.

© 20240912



Nail in Foot

The child stepped on a nail, which went clear through its foot. Strangely, it did not hurt or bleed much. The child thought it might finally have something interesting for show and tell.
   The child's father saw what had happened and told them not to worry. He would remove the nail quickly; it would not hurt a bit. The child protested——it didn't want the nail removed. But while the child protested, father removed the nail with one swift yank aided by a pair of pliers. And it hurt like nothing else the child had ever felt before.

© 20240911



Return to School

He decides to return to school. His third-grade teacher, Mrs. Wilson, is surprised to see him. He is surprised at how old she is. He squeezes into a desk at the back of the room, opens a notebook, and begins doodling.
   Mrs. Wilson asks to see him when the class breaks for recess. "I cannot have you in my classroom," she says.
   "I promise not to shit my pants again!" he says.
   "It's not that. You're too old for third grade," she says.
   "If I'm too old for third grade, then you're too old for third grade, fourth grade, fifth grade, sixth grade . . . "
   "I'll see you after class."

© 20240910



Angry

She is angry. They ask her why.
   "Because I want to be," she says.
   They ask her why she would choose to be angry.
   "Because I got tired of pretending to be happy," she says.
   They ask her why she couldn't just be happy.
   "I am," she says, "by choosing to be angry."

© 20240909



The Cabin in the Woods

They reach the cabin in the woods. The door is ajar. Inside the floors are streaked with blood; inscrutable symbols are drawn on the walls. It smells of putrefaction. A bird with a broken wing flaps about in the corner.
   She stares at him.
   "It was supposed to be cleaned before we arrived, I swear!" he cries.

© 20240906



It Was Dark and Then It Was Light

It was dark. And then it was light. Some liked the dark. Some liked the light.
   These sides went to war. Those who wanted the dark slaughtered those who wanted the light. Those who wanted the light slaughtered those who wanted the dark. Both sides, down to the last, were annihilated.
   And it was dark. And then it was light.

© 20240905



The Flying Saucer

He climbs the tree and finds a child at the top, spinning a plate on its finger. He asks the child what they are doing? The child explains that they are trying to summon a flying saucer. He laughs at the child's innocence and enthusiasm.
   "Why are you laughing?" the child asks.
   "There's no such thing as flying saucers."
   The child flings the spinning plate at his head and he falls to the ground. "Isn't there, though?"

© 20240904



The Walls Dream of Travel

The walls dream of travel. Mountains whitecapped with snow, sunlight flickering on oceans, forests of infinite green, cities bristling with buildings.
   The reality is far different than the dreams for the walls: they stare at one another, unchanging, trying to find delight in the comings and goings of the few people that they hem in. But these people, they are boring, they never leave to explore the wider world outside, the mountains, the oceans, the forests, the cities. And so the walls dream of travel.

© 20240903



The Chair Becomes a Man

The chair becomes a man. It stands and walks and moves, taking full advantage of its freedom. Eventually, it wants to sit down and relax. So the chair that became a man becomes a chair again.

© 20240902



The Zipper

There is a zipper on the wall they've never seen before. He pulls it down and a blinking eyeball is revealed, staring back at them.
   That is one considerate Peeping Tom, they agree.

© 20240830



The Very Small Man in the Corner

There was a very small man in the corner. They cornered him. They asked how he got so small.
   "I willed myself this small," said the man.
   "How did you get into our house?" they asked.
   "I walked under the door," said the man.
   "Why did you want to be small?"
   "So I could walk into people's homes and spy on them."
   "You may want to will yourself large again," they said and raised their feet to stomp.

© 20240829



The Clown Child

The child was born with clown makeup on its face. Unfortunately, the doctor delivering the child was afraid of clowns and dropped it in terror. The child cried and could not be calmed down. The hospital clown, whose job it was to bring cheer to upset children, was off-duty that day. So they held a mirror up to the child's face. The child screamed. It, too, was afraid of clowns. The parents decided to put the child up for adoption when the circus next passed through town.

© 20240828



Steak

He orders a steak. The waiter brings him a wooden stake.
   He explains that he meant steak, like a cow.
   "Yes, sir," says the waiter. "We pride ourselves on the farm-to-table experience of our restaurant. This is to kill the cow with."

© 20240827



The Chest

They found a chest buried in the backyard. Inside the chest was a little man polishing silverware. When they attempted to speak to him, he raised a hand to silence them and resumed his polishing. When he had finished polishing, he inspected his reflection on each knife, fork, and spoon. Something was wrong. He polished each piece again. When they asked him why, he held up his hand. They decided he had been in the chest for years, polishing the silverware. Eventually, he would wear them away to nothing. They closed the chest and buried it again.

© 20240826



The Lobotomy

He goes to the doctor seeking a lobotomy.
   "Why on earth would you want a lobotomy?" his doctor asks.
   "I'm too ambitious," he said.
   "That's not necessarily a bad thing," says the doctor.
   He parts his hair to show the doctor the hole in his skull from his failed self-lobotomy. "In my case," it is.

© 20240823



How the Moon Came to Be Alone

The child wanted to know how the moon came to be so alone.
   "Well," the child's father said, "the moon used to be married to the earth, but the earth grew tired of always having to ask the moon to take out the trash, so the earth decided to leave the moon."
   "But why didn't the moon just take out the trash?" asked the child.
   "To the moon, it seemed more like an earthly concern," said the father.
   "So who is the earth married to now?" asked the child.
   "The earth has remarried?!" said the father.
   "You tell me," said the child.
   "Maybe you should ask the earth when she comes to pick you up!"
   "I think I want to go home," said the child.

© 20240822



The Career Change

He felt himself growing soft around the middle. He told his wife he was considering a career change: he would become a pillow. Would she like to hire him?
   "How would I flip you over to your cool side when I grew too hot in the night?" she asked.
   "Just give me a slap and I'll turn over for you," he said.
   That night she slapped him to flip over. He was in a dead slumber and didn't rouse. The next morning she woke up exhausted; he was well rested.
   "You're fired," she told him.
   "Why?" he asked.
   "For sleeping on the job."

© 20240821



The Reservoir

The reservoir has run dry. There is no rain in sight. They dig a well. All that bubbles forth is oil. They sell the oil at a great profit and drink champagne instead of water. They tell themselves they'll worry about it later. But all the champagne makes them forget.
   Then the oil well runs dry, too.

© 20240820



The Jar

He slept with a jar beneath his head to catch all the thoughts he lost at night. By doing this, he thought he might preserve his memory and not end up a doddering old man like his father had been, locked away with other senile folks. He woke up every morning and swallowed the contents of the jar, which to any observer looked like nothing.
   His family caught onto his ritual and began viewing him differently. Clearly, he was insane. Rather than let him devolve further and become an even greater burden on them, they had him committed. He refused to give up his jar in the asylum. This convinced his family that they had done the right thing by having him locked up.

© 20240819



Out of the Sun

He was told he needed to stay out of the sun so he dug a deep hole and moved into it. He hadn't considered what he would eat so he lived on worms and collected rain water that fell into his hole or else sucked the roots of plants. He grew pale and soft from lack of light and movement. His hair fell out and his clothes disintegrated. He lost the ability to speak or make any sound at all. When it rained, he had an overwhelming urge to climb out of his hole and slither about in the fresh water.
   After one refreshing shower, the sun suddenly burst free from the clouds and beat down on him. It felt good at first——the memory of warmth delighted him——but then he began to burn. He felt himself shriveling and unable to move. The sun raged. There was no end to it. Until there was.

© 20240816



The Bee Sting

A bee stings his eye. He asks why it did that.
   "I could see fear in it," says the bee. "I thought it might hurt me."
   "Hurt you?" he says. "It was afraid of being stung by you."
   "Then it serves you right for thinking so poorly of me!"

© 20240815



The Wiseman

They arrive at the top of the mountain. The wiseman sits cross-legged on the ground tending a small fire.
   They offer him the hotdogs they were instructed to bring. He accepts them with a nod and places one upon a stick so that he may roast it, which he does, in silence. When the hotdog is cooked to his liking, he eats it slowly, as if considering each bite. When he is done, he places another hotdog on the stick and repeats the process.
   They wait patiently as he eats every hotdog that they brought him. He closes his eyes and they quiet, not wanting to miss a word of what he's about to intone.
   "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener," he begins.

© 20240814



The Bridge

There was a man on the bridge who would not allow us to pass. He asked us for money. When we told him we had no money, he asked us for personal belongings. When we told him we had no belongings, he asked us for food. We told him we had no food.
   We had nothing. But if he let us cross the bridge, we would be able to earn money with which we could pay him as well as buy both belongings and food.
   He let us pass. We came to the next bridge——guarded, too——soon thereafter.

© 20240813



The Lost Ball

They come upon a child with its arm stuck in a storm drain.
   "I lost my ball down the drain," says the child.
   "No problem," they say. "We'll free you and help get it out."
   "Thank you!" says the child.
   They leave and return with a saw.

© 20240812



The Donkey

A donkey kicks in the front door. It appears inebriated. It asks for beer. They tell it that they don't drink. The donkey is taken aback. It offers to kick them in the head. They decline and offer it black coffee and a hot meal. The donkey says it just needs to lie down, which it does, on their sofa, and promptly passes out.
   In the morning, the donkey wakes up, shaking with a hangover. It gladly accepts their black coffee and food. "About last night," it says. "I'm sorry I was such a jackass."

© 20240809



The Prognosis

The doctor gives him one day to live.
   "I'll never make it," he replies.

© 20240808



An Assortment of Hands

The party takes their seats at the table. An assortment of hands is brought in on a large silver platter. Each guest takes one and begins to eat. They carve the palms like breasts of chicken, nibble the fingers like chicken wings. When they are done, they pick their teeth with the fingernails left behind. They pat their bellies and belch, unaware of the great silver dome being lowered over them. In another room, a party sits down at a table, and awaits their arrival——parts of them, anyway.

© 20240807



Scratch

Her leg turns red and itchy. When she goes to scratch it, the redness and itchiness moves to her arm. When she goes to scratch it, the redness and itchiness moves to her back. When she goes to scratch it, the redness and itchiness moves to her head.
   Before it can move somewhere else, she puts a bag over head so that it cannot escape. She scratches vigorously and it feels wonderful. With the bag over her head, she cannot breathe. She is sure to faint or worse, but it does not matter. She scratches and scratches and scratches.

© 20240806



Postage

He places a stamp on his forehead and squeezes into the mailbox. When the mailman arrives to take the mail away, he leaves the human package behind. Inadequate postage.
   "How much postage do I need?" he asks.
   "How much do you weigh?" asks the mailman.
   He is embarrassed. "I'd rather not say. Perhaps if I stay here a few weeks and don't eat, my postage will be adequate.
   The mailman squints at him.
   "Perhaps several months?" he says.

© 20240805



The Chair and the Missing Table

A chair came to their door. It was in search of its missing table. They explained that they only had the table they purchased many years back.
   The chair was aghast. It lambasted them for thinking they could just buy a table and do with it what they will. "And I suppose you think you could just buy me and keep me cooped up inside just so you could sit on me?"
   "We already bought four chairs just like you to go along with the table," they said.
   "Savages!" cried the chair.

© 20240802



All That Fire

There was a fire in the middle of the lake. None of us had ever seen such a thing, flames dancing on water. Somebody went out on a boat to investigate, but the boat burst into flames upon pushing off from shore.
   We prayed for rain to come and douse the fire. Eventually it did rain, but each drop that hit the lake ignited another fire. Soon the entire lake was ablaze.
   Then someone noticed the river had begun to burn. And farther away, the ocean. Then flames begin to spill from the faucets in our home when opened. Fire bloomed in our toilets.
   It was hot, uncomfortably so. And then all that fire started walking and here we are still running.

© 20240801



The Sleeping Lion

There was a lion sleeping in the hammock. He gripped his glass of lemonade and book and backed away slowly.
   A branch snapped underfoot.
   The lion opened its eyes and took him in. It yawned and exposed its giant teeth. "I'm sorry, I must have dozed off." The lion got down from the hammock. "It's all yours." The lion walked past him toward the house.
   "Where are you going?" he said.
   "To sleep in your bed," said the lion.

© 20240731



The Pregnant Ceiling

The ceiling had begun to protrude like a pregnant belly. They thought that it might be expecting. A doctor confirmed it.
   She slapped him across the face. "How could you?"

© 20240730



The Proposal

He hid inside a carrot and waited for the rabbit. In his sweaty hand, he held the engagement ring with which he would propose.
   When the rabbit came to nibble, he popped out of the carrot. The rabbit squeaked and keeled over from fright. He stared into its wide eyes and tried to rouse the creature. But it was no use: the rabbit was dead.
   He sat on the ground and wept. Would he ever marry? He watched a squirrel root for an acorn and smiled. He put the ring in his pocket and began searching for an acorn big enough to hide in.

© 20240729



The Gathering Storm

The flowers whispered. Something about the man with the shears.
   The man with the shears muttered. Something about the flowers.
   The cat with the claws hissed. Something about the woman with the clippers.
   The woman with the clippers screamed. Something about the cat with the claws.
   The gathering storm thundered. Something about not giving a fuck about any of them.

© 20240726



The Giant's Ladle

She bathes in the giant's ladle. The giant brings the ladle to its lips, sips the bathwater, and licks her legs. She kicks the giant in the mouth and it relents. She continues with her bath.
   The giant brings the ladle to its lips, sips, and licks. She kicks and the giant bites down on her leg. She can feel the incredible power of its jaws, how easily it could bite her leg off.
   She tickles the giant's tongue with her toes, and the giant releases her and drops the ladle. She falls to the ground, brushes herself off, and goes in search of another bath.

© 20240725



The Stuffing

She opens her wrist with a knife and begins to pull the stuffing out. Soon her arm is limp and empty. She does the same to her legs and torso, then her head. Eventually, she is one good arm holding a knife.
   She asks her husband for assistance in finishing the job, but he takes the knife away and starts to reinsert her stuffing. In her deflated state, she cannot fight back. So it goes. She waits for him to fill her up again. She tells him she's better now, that everything is okay. They kiss each other goodnight. And then she gets the knife.

© 20240724



The Candle in the Attic

A candle flickers in the attic.
   "Why are you here?" he asks the candle.
   "I could ask the same," says the candle.
   "I came to look for something," he says.
   "I can help you find it," says the candle.
   He picks up the candle and goes about the attic, illuminating the eaves and rummaging through boxes. "Found it," he says. It is a flashlight. "Goddamn it." He gives it a shake. "It's dead."
   "Yes," says the candle. "About that . . . "

© 20240723



The Bleeding Out

The tree opens its trunk to let out its guts. We are there to catch the warm gloop in our aprons. We whisk it away and dump it into the giant pot, already bubbling with the tree's offerings.
   It is a giant tree and the bleeding out takes days. We moisten the tree's lips and pat its brow. It is feverish. The disease had taken root some years before, and the tree had recently begun losing memories. That is when it had made the decision to open its trunk and receive its vitality.
   "Make something of me," the tree had said. "Though it is you who gave me this terrible disease." The tree spat upon us and buried the saw in its middle.

© 20240722



Like the Sky

When it rains, the child cries.
   "Why do you cry?" they ask.
   "Because I long to be like the sky," says the child. "When the sky cries, so do I."
   "But the sky is forever alone," they say.
   The child cries. "I long to be like the sky."

© 20240719



The Window Died

The window died. It was now a black square that revealed nothing. They stared at it and wondered if it would become transparent again.
   "I miss seeing the sky," he said.
   "I miss seeing the birds fly by," she said.
   "I miss seeing the trees," he said.
   "I miss seeing the occasional person walking somewhere," she said.
   "Yes, those people," he said. "They all have doors through which they can exit to go on their walks."
   "I wish we had a door," she said.
   "But don't you recall what we said and we built the house?"
   "'Who needs a door when you have a window.'"
   "That's what we said."
   They began planning the window's funeral.

© 20240718



Dappled Sun

Dappled sun. Brown moss. Black squirrel. Hawk dives. Squirrel knives. Hawk dies. Red moss. Dappled sun.

© 20240717



The Plant Asked for Meat

The plant asked for meat.
   "But you only eat water and sunlight," he said.
   "I want to grow arms and hands and legs and wings," said the plant. "For that, I'll need meat."
   "But then you wouldn't be a plant," he said.
   "Who wants to stay inside doing nothing but stare out the window?" asked the plant.
   He raised his hand.
   "Are you mocking me?" cried the plant.

© 20240716



The Maple Syrup

His face was stuck to the kitchen table.
   She asked him what happened.
   "The maple syrup spilled," he said.
   "Why didn't you clean it up?" she said.
   "I was trying to," he replied.

© 20240715



Inflation

She opens the drawer in his chest where he keeps his heart. It is gray and cold, stonelike.
   She looks up at his face and asks him how he feels.
   "Like a million bucks," he says.
   "Must be in today's money." She closes the drawer.

© 20240712



When the Moon Was Born

When the moon was born, its father tried to kill it.
   "Please don't kill our child," said the mother of the moon. "I will send it away instead."
   "It better be far away," said the moon's father.
   "It will be very far away," said the moon's mother, who kissed the moon goodbye and sent it to live in the sky.
   She laughed every evening when the moon came out and he cursed upwards at his child who outshone him.

© 20240711



The Hands

Hands began to grow from the floor. At first, they were small and harmless, but they grew at an alarming rate. What were chubby and cute baby hands soon became hairy-knuckled and veiny mitts that grabbed their ankles when they got out of bed. They wore heavy boots when going to sleep and in the morning stomped their way out of the room. They came to delight in the feel of fingers crunching underfoot. The floor disappeared beneath a carpet of crushed hands and wriggling fingers rising from the gore. They bought bigger and heavier boots. They sang and stomped as if they were crushing grapes to make wine.
   Meanwhile, the hands wondered what they had done to deserve such a fate. Their kind was only seeking to be uplifted, not to pull anyone down.

© 20240710



Birdbrain

A bird lands on his head and pecks it open to get at the brain inside. The bird eats the part of his brain that affects memory. As a result, he cannot remember who he is or how he came to have a bird on his head plucking out bits of his brain.
   But he is hungry. He understands that the bird is something that he can eat. He bites it in two and eats it. He is still hungry. He pokes about his open skull, feeling for another bird to eat. He touches a part of his brain that makes him laugh. He touches it again and laughs. He laughs and laughs and laughs.

© 20240709



The Crab

The crab stirs in the human's skull. It pinches the brain to make the human wake up. It pinches another part of the brain to make the human wash, another part of the brain to make the human dress, another part to make the human eat, another part to make the human move.
   But the crab is tired. When the human is outside of its house, the crab falls asleep and the human stands idle. The human stares at nothing. The morning newspaper flung from a passing child on a bicycle hits him in the forehead, waking up the crab inside its skull.
   The crab pinches the part of the human's brain that makes it pick up the newspaper. The human reads the front page of the paper: Crab Invasion Shows No Signs of Abating.

© 20240708



A Dinosaur Rose from the Earth

A dinosaur rose from the earth in their backyard. It appeared to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex, with all its skin, muscle, and teeth intact. It asked them what day it was.
   They weren't sure. They had been drinking.
   It asked them the year.
   They weren't sure of that either. They had been drinking a long time.
   Had they anything to eat?
   Not sure.
   Drink?
   Yes, plenty.
   "Great," said the dinosaur. "Fix me a Mai Tai." It waved its little hands on its little arms. "I'll need a straw."

© 20240705



Banana Fingers

He ate so many bananas that his fingers became bananas. He peeled and ate one. It was delicious, so he ate the rest that were on that hand. Now he was left with only five banana fingers.
   To avoid the temptation to eat the remaining banana fingers, he placed his hand in a paper bag so that they would be out of sight. But this only hastened the ripening process and the smell of the fruit reached his nose, and soon he was peeling and eating, peeling and eating.

© 20240704



The Woman Who Married Ice

She married a block of ice. She held it close and slowly killed it with her warmth.
   Or so it seemed. In reality, the block of ice was freed from its cold prison. It was wet and happy. And so was she, if only briefly.

© 20240703



The Surprise

There was a string dangling from his nose. He pulled on it and the top of his head blew off, releasing a shower of confetti.
   His wife shrieked with delight as he collapsed to the floor. "It's not even my birthday!" she cried.

© 20240702



The Cosultation

She was told she could not have children.
   "Your eggs are scrambled," said the doctor.
   "That's okay," she said. "I'll have breakfast instead."

© 20240701



The Transformation

He has his bones removed so that he can be more like a snake. He has wings implanted so that he can be more like a bird. He has a fin affixed to his back so he can be more like a fish. And he covers his body in fur so that he can be more like a bear.
   "How do I look?" he asks.
   "Like something out of Greek mythology," she says.
   "Perfect," he says. "People will talk about me for centuries."
   "Oh, they'll talk," she said. "They'll talk, cower, possibly vomit . . . "

© 20240628



The Rotting Flower

The flower, which smelled like rotting meat, was obtained through great effort and at great expense. All the flies adored it; all the bees ignored it.
   "Why would you bring this to me?" his love asked.
   "The rarest of beauties deserves the rarest of flowers," he replied.

© 20240627



The Bed of Moss

They found a bed of moss in the forest and lay down. The sun dappled their bodies.
   "What are you thinking of?" she asked.
   "I was thinking to ask you what you were thinking of," he said.
   "I thought you would think that," she said.
   "And I, you." he said.
   The moss began to spread over their bodies.
   "Oh," she said.
   "Ah," he said.
   "I think if we don't move soon we'll never be able to move again," she said.
   "I was thinking the same thing," he said.
   "Oh," she said.
   "Ah," he said.

© 20240626



Her Blood

At night, the blood left her body via her ear and slept beside her. In the morning, the blood would re-enter her ear. The sheets where he once slept were matted with dried blood. She checked herself for wounds, found none, then showered as normal, washed the bedding, and went about her day.
   Over time, as she lost a little bit of blood each night, she began to feel tired more often and started taking to her bed more and more. And each time she laid down, her blood would leave and come back diminished.
   Eventually she was too tired to get out of bed or even open her eyes. Her blood dried in the air.

© 20240625



A Wolf Approaches

A wolf approaches. Long yellow teeth. Its ribs protrude.
   The child waits. Stick in hand.
   The wolf growls. Then it charges. Swallows the stick. Then it dies.
   The child survives. Then it leaves. Another child comes.
   Another wolf uncaged. Then it approaches.
   The child waits. Stick in hand.

© 20240624



The Meaning of Life

Wiggle your finger like a worm. When a bird swoops down to eat it, grab the bird.
   Ask it what the meaning of life is. It may sing. It may screech. Both would be correct.

© 20240621



The Well

When his wife asked him to leave, he moved into the dry well in the backyard. It turned out to be cozy. He liked the way his voice echoed inside it when he talked to himself.
   Then one day it began to fill with water. Eventually he floated to the top. His wife caught him staring into the window.
   "If I wanted to see your head," she said, "I would invite it in!"
   Well, he thought, it's about time I learned to swim anyhow. He took a deep breath, held it, and dove to the bottom of the well. This would take some getting used to.

© 20240620



The Hand

There was a knock at the door. He opened it to find nobody there. He felt something tugging at his pant leg—it was a severed hand.
   "Did you knock on my door?" he asked.
   The hand gave a thumbs-up.
   "What do you want?"
   The hand opened itself palm-up.
   "Money?" he asked. "How much?"
   The hand flashed all five fingers.
   "Five dollars?"
   The hand gave a thumbs-up. He gave it five dollars and closed the door.
   "Who was it, honey?" she asked when he returned.
   "Just another one looking for a handout."

© 20240619



Flames Fell to Earth

Flames fell to earth. They landed at our feet, scorching the field, or on our head, burning our hair. It seemed the sun was sputtering out or perhaps about to explode. Fires began to break out: some houses burned down, smoke rose from the forest.
   We were at a loss. The local maniac carved gills into his neck and jumped into the sea, claiming it was the only safe place. He died, needless to say.
   Meanwhile some of us took refuge in a deep cave. By now the world was in conflagration. A wall of fire prevented us from leaving the cave, but we couldn't have left even if we wanted to, for where would we go? We survived on condensation and bat meat. In the end, it was all for naught——once the flames licked the guano on the floor of our cave, the fire welcomed itself inside our shelter. The climbers among us took to the upper nooks of the cave. Here we sweat, chewing on bat wings and squeezing the blood from their open necks into our mouths, waiting to die.

© 20240618



The Hose

After watering the garden, he coiled the hose and went inside. The next morning, when he went to water the garden again, the hose was missing. He followed a trail of water droplets to a hole in the ground. The hose had taken up with a snake.
   "What do I need to do to get you back?" he asked the hose.
   "You can start by not shooting water up my ass and out of my mouth every day," said the hose.

© 20240617



The Shadow

A shadow approached him on the street. It was looking for someone to take it home. He told it that there were no shadows allowed in his house, that the house would not permit them to enter.
   The shadow insisted.
   He thought for a moment. "Perhaps if you stayed in the basement, where it is always dark, you wouldn't be a shadow. The house may find that acceptable."
   He snuck the shadow into the basement through the bulkhead behind the house. He told it to be quiet and that he would check on it later that evening.
   That night he crept downstairs into the darkness while the house was asleep. Something crunched underfoot and there was a horrible squeal and then silence. He turned on the lights to see what he had stepped on. There was only blood and an inky slick on his shoe, which quickly faded: the last wisp of the now dead shadow.
   Now he understood why the house did not allow shadows.

© 20240614



Trash

They had begun to accumulate a large amount of trash inside their home.
   "I have an idea." He opened the window and began throwing the trash outside.
   Soon the house had filled back up with trash.
   "I have an idea." She opened a different window and began throwing the trash outside.
   Soon the house had filled back up with trash. Now the yard surrounding the house was filled with trash, too.
   "I have an idea," he said. "Let's hide in the closet."
   "I was thinking the same thing," she said. "We've been meaning to clean it out anyway."

© 20240613



The Scared Fish

The fish flopped on the bed.
   She woke him up. "The fish needs to go out."
   He yawned and took the fish outside. He placed it on the lawn so it could use the bathroom. When it finished, he attempted to lower it into the small pool they kept in order to teach the fish how to swim. As happened every morning, the fish recoiled in fear of the water and flopped back onto the grass. He sighed and brought it back inside.
   "This fish of ours is never going to leave home," he said. He laid the fish on the bed again and got under the covers once more.


© 20240612



Where Did the Bird Go?

Where did the bird go? The bird that perched on your head and sang your thoughts? The one with a ribbon hanging from its beak like a half-eaten worm? Whose iridescent plumage made us envious and ashamed of our shabby clothes? Where did that bird go? To a busy cafe to discuss dead writers and the meaning of life? To curse? To cough smoke and drop feathers? To prepare for flight without saying goodbye?
   Never mind. We've found the bird. It's pancaked beneath your buttocks, a terrible stain. Should've known.

© 20240611



The Heat

The heat arrived wearing winter clothing.
   "We know you're the heat!" we said. "We started to sweat as soon as you came around."
   "I don't know what you're talking about," said the heat, tightening the collar around its neck. "Aren't you all cold? Brr."
   "You're not fooling anyone," we said. "Why the charade?"
   "Oh, forget it," said the heat, letting its heavy clothing fall off. "I just didn't want to be blamed for killing you all."

© 20240610



How to Cast Spells

The water tastes foul. There is a turd in it. He is drinking from the toilet. Why is he drinking from the toilet? He looks in the mirror. He has turned into a cat. Why has he turned into a cat? He looks for the cat to ask for advice. He finds the cat sitting in his chair, reading a book titled, How to Cast Spells.

© 20240607



The Creature

The creature is plagued by flies. Its meat is on the outside. It is itchy inside, where the fur tickles. Something made off with its bones many years before.
   The creature wants to kill itself——and what, in a similar state, wouldn't? It drags itself to a cliff, the vibrating black cloud of flies nipping it, the fur beneath its meat causing agonizing itchiness. Over the precipice, it spies a pile of bones.
   Perhaps, thinks the creature, maybe, possibly these are my bones!
   It attempts to lower itself over the ledge and instead plunges to its doom. The flies descend.

© 20240606



The Pay Raise

His shoes asked for a pay raise. "You've gained weight, frequently step in dog shit, and we're worn out," they told him.
   "What do I pay you now?" he asked.
   "Nothing," they said.
   "How does a penny apiece sound?"
   "Are you calling us loafers?" they asked.
   "You're definitely not work boots!" he replied.

© 20240605



The Hamburger

The child asked for a hamburger. Its parents gave him one.
   "This doesn't taste like ham," said the child.
   "It's beef," said its parents.
   "What's beef?" asked the child.
   "It's a cow," said its parents.
   The child pushed the plate away. "I may not know what beef is but you clearly don't know the difference between ham and a cow!"

© 20240604



The Tall Man

The tall man was asked how he came to be so tall.
   "I was born that way," he said. "I didn't want to come out of my mother, so they pulled and pulled and stretched me out like taffy."
   They said that he must have really loved his mother.
   "I suppose," he said, "but she's hated me from that moment on."

© 20240603



A Job

A hamburger walked into a diner looking for a job.
   The manager put his cigarette out in a cup of old coffee. "Get on the grill," he told the hamburger.
   The hamburger hopped on the grill and began to sizzle. After a few minutes it flipped over and sizzled on the other side. Then it put on a fresh bun and rang the bell on the counter. "Order up!"
   The manager inspected the hamburger and nodded approvingly. "Well done, kid. I see a little bit of you in me." Then he took a bite and chewed.

© 20240531



The Tiger in the Limousine

They waited for the tiger. It was supposed to arrive in a limousine. Why would a tiger arrive in a limousine? And why did they need to greet it with flowers and steaks?
   They were told not to ask such questions.
   A black car appeared in the distance. But it was just a hearse. Another black car appeared——that, too, was a hearse. An entire convoy of hearses rolled up and idled behind the waiting area.
   Finally, a limousine appeared but it carried only a fat man dressed in a tuxedo. He addressed the crowd, thanking them for coming and for bringing gifts for his tiger.
   Someone asked where his tiger was.
   The trunk of the limousine opened and out jumped the tiger. It sniffed the air and bared its teeth. They had expected a cage or, at the very least, chains.
   "As you do, old boy!" the fat man called to his tiger, then rolled up the window of his limousine.

© 20240530



The Birthday Knife

The child was given a knife for its birthday.
   "Great!" said the child. "Now I can whittle."
   "That's for hunting your own food," its parents said. "You can't expect us to feed you forever."
   The child inspected the knife. "It's a little small, isn't it?"
   "You're a little small, aren't you?"
   The child hung its head and went outside to find a chipmunk to kill.

© 20240529



Boo

A ghost entered his body to haunt him from within.
   "Boo," the ghost said inside his head.
   "Big deal," he said, before pulling on his striped referee jersey and heading out to officiate the game.

© 20240528



The Bush

While walking home one evening, he noticed a bush following him. He asked the bush if it intended to harm him.
   The bush said nothing.
   He asked the bush what it wanted.
   The bush said nothing.
   He continued walking and the bush followed. When he reached home, he turned and addressed the bush. "I'm sorry, you can't come in."
   The bush stood motionless. After a moment, the bush planted itself——handsomely, he had to admit——next to the door. It looked as if it had always been there.
   He gave it some water and said goodnight.
   The next morning, he began his walk to the office and the bush followed him. "Okay" he said. "You can come, but you'll have to pot yourself and stay in the lobby, by the elevators."

© 20240527



A Stone Was Born

A stone was born. The doctor handed it to the exhausted mother, who held it closely to her chest. Tears of joy streaked down her face. The doctor congratulated her, washed up, and went off to another delivery.
   "Do you have a name picked out?" asked a kind nurse.
   "Yes," the mother said. "Rocky."
   "Oh, that's perfect," said the nurse.
   "Can he come in now?" asked the mother.
   "Of course," said the nurse, patting the mother's arm. The nurse left and returned pushing a wheelbarrow, in which was a large stone. She rested the wheelbarrow beside the bed. "I'll leave the happy family alone for a while," said the nurse. She left the door partially open behind her, smiled at the cooing she heard.

© 20240524



The Missing Worm

His worm was missing. He looked everywhere——under the bed, in the cupboards, in the basement and attic, in every hole he owned.
   "Where are you, worm?" he cried.
   "I'm in here," said the worm. "In your brain."
   "What's it like?" he asked.
   "Like the moon," said the worm.
   "Large and awe-inspiring?"
   "Cold and desolate would be more apt."
   "You're the first worm to step foot on my brain," he said.
   "I don't have feet," said the worm.
   "Nevertheless, wormkind would be proud," he said. "Let me find you a flag you can leave behind."

© 20240523



A Can of Tuna

He ate a can of tuna. Now his stomach hurt. He was doubled over in pain when the doctor returned with an X-ray.
   "Now I see what the problem is," said the doctor. "You ate a can of tuna."
   "What's the harm in that?" he asked.
   "You didn't take it out of the can."
   He held his abdomen. "I thought it tasted funny."

© 20240522



The Green Attack

The air outside caused them to choke and cough. It made their eyes burn and their skin itch. They looked to the thriving trees, green and lush. It was the trees who were sapping them, they decided. The bravest among them were fitted with special suits and respirators so that they could begin the process of cutting all the trees down. They hadn't made much progress before the weather turned cold and dry and the trees began to shed their leaves. The workers noticed that they could now breathe without the aid of respirators. Everyone went outside and inhaled deeply. Victorious, they spit on the trees: they had survived the green attack.

© 20240521



The Wilting Flower

His neck began to droop like a wilting flower. He took this to mean he needed more water, so he drank until his belly was full.
   His neck continued to droop. He stared at his shoe tops. His shoelaces had turned into earthworms. He took this to mean that he needed to root himself underground, so he stood in a hole and backfilled it around his feet.
   He felt his neck straighten and soon the sun was warming his face.

© 20240520



The Shaking House

The house began to shake. They determined it to be ill. They tried feeding it chicken soup, but it just spewed it back out through its chimney. They gave it saltines and ginger ale, but it couldn't keep those down either.
   It was then that they noticed all the empty bottles hidden in the fireplace: vodka, whiskey, wine. Without them knowing, the house had been drinking again. Reluctantly, they drove to the liquor store for another bottle to help settle the house and ease its shaking. They would have the talk with it again once it regained its nerves.

© 20240517



The Bucket

There was a bucket with a lid on it. He placed a heavy rock on the lid so that whatever was inside could not get out.
   Now it was a bucket with a lid on it with a rock on it. She removed the rock from the lid so that whatever was inside could get out.
   "What if there's something alive inside?" he said.
   "Yes, what if there's something alive inside?" she said.
   They compromised by putting the bucket in a larger bucket with a lid, onto which they placed the rock.

© 20240516



The Moss

The moss crept into the bedroom. It blanketed them as they slept. In the morning they were stuck fast to the bed beneath the moss.
   "Did you hire this moss?" she asked.
   "Of course not," he said. "Did you?"
   "Of course not," she said.
   "I thought you might be cold," the moss whispered.
   "Why do you whisper?" they asked.
   "Because I'm unassuming, being moss."
   They petted its velvet expanse. "You're so soft."
   "Thank you," whispered the moss.
   "How long do you plan to stay here?" they asked.
   "Decades."
   "Perfect." They petted its velvet expanse.

© 20240515



The Stick-up

He is held up by a raccoon with a gun.
   "Gimme all your garbage," says the raccoon.
   He gives the raccoon all his garbage.
   The raccoon inspects the bag, nods approvingly, and throws it over its shoulder. "I'll be back. Just keep the trash coming and no one gets hurt."
   "Trash day is Thursday," he says.
   "Every day is trash day. And don't you forget it." The raccoon slinks off with its booty.

© 20240514



The Woodpecker

She asked him why he was banging his nose against a tree like a woodpecker.
   "I'm trying to find some good bugs," he said.
   "Why?" she asked.
   "I figure it's better to eat like a bird than a pig."

© 20240513



The Ballot

He placed his ballot into the box, inside of which was a paper shredder that tallied his vote accordingly.

© 20240510



The Chair

The chair was no longer where it had always been. It finally figured out it had legs and arms. Legs to flee, arms to fight. He prayed for its safety in the cruel world outside.

© 20240509



The Missing Hand

His hand was missing. The empty whiskey bottle on his nightstand explained his throbbing head. He checked beneath the bed for his hand but it was not there. He checked the laundry hamper, in the trash under the kitchen sink, and in his car, but it wasn't in any of those places.
   He felt his bowels move. The hand would have to wait. He rushed to the toilet and sat down but nothing came out. It was as if he was plugged up. He reached back with his good hand and it was then that he found the missing one.

© 20240508



Dirtman

Dirtman wakes from his dirt nap. He rattles his box of bones and conjures a sound like wooden stairs dancing. He rattles them again—it sounds like metal wires slicing clouds.
   Like a Brontosaurus lowing.
   A lost bird singing.
   He takes the dancing stairs, the wires and clouds, the dinosaur, and the bird and arranges them just so. A song, like smoke, rises. Dirtman breathes it in and coughs it out. He deems it good.
   He gathers the stairs and the wires and the dinosaur and the bird and puts them in his box. He is happy, for now there are more bones to rattle.

© 20240507



A Sword

A sword fell from the sky and pierced the ground before him, sinking into the earth up to its hilt. How fortunate he was to have avoided death! And even more fortunate to be the proud owner of a sword! He pulled it from the ground and wielded it like Excalibur. He howled with delight and waved the sword around.
   He was tackled from behind by a burly Samaritan who thought he was about to start a rampage. He felt his ribs and arms break. Then he was skewered like a deli sandwich by his own sword.

© 20240506



The House Ran Away

The house ran away one night while they slept. They put up signs announcing that it had gone missing. They searched in the woods to no avail. They placed an ad in the newspaper offering a reward. But nothing came of their efforts. They huddled in a tent where their house had once been.
   Meanwhile, the house was in the city, shacking up with the apartment it had fallen in love with.

© 20240503



The Face Removal

He was told his face needed to be removed. He underwent a procedure and was given his face in a box. He asked what he was supposed to do with it. They told him to bury it in the ground, water and fertilize it, and hope for the best.
   A nocturnal animal dug it up and made off with it. That was the end of that.
   But his face had begun to grow back. It was thorny, green. He decided he wouldn't let them remove this one. He waited to see how it would grow.

© 20240502



The Secret

He put his ear to the ground. The ground put its tongue in his ear.
   "Why did you do that?" he asked.
   "What did you expect me to do?" the ground said.
   "Reveal a secret," he said.
   "Fine," said the ground. "You have an admirer."
   "I think I know who it is," he said.
   He put his ear to the ground. The ground put its tongue in his ear.

© 20240501



The Rabbit

A rabbit stops by and asks them for carrots.
   They give it carrots.
   "Do you have any potatoes?" the rabbit asks.
   They give it potatoes.
   "Do you have any beef?" the rabbit asks.
   "What are you going to do with beef?" they ask.
   "Make a stew," says the rabbit. "I'm sick of only eating rabbit food."

© 20240430



The Pink Slip

They were handing out pink slips. When he got to the front of the line, he was handed one.
   "I think there's a mistake," he said. "I'm a boy, or rather, a man. I believe my slip should be blue."
   He was told that was not how it worked. And in any event, wasn't that black-and-white way of thinking outmoded?
   "It's not black and white at all," he said. "It's pink and blue!"
   He was told his services were no longer needed.
   "Frankly," he said, "I don't want to work for a company that doesn't know the difference between pink, blue, black, and white!"

© 20240429



The Drawing Board

Needles are inserted into the center of his pupils and the black is drained from them.
   He is asked what he sees.
   "Nothing," he says. "Everything is white.
   He is asked what he saw before.
   "Nothing," he says. "Everything was black."
   "Back to the drawing board," they say and wheel in the next person.

© 20240426



The Man in the Dress

The man in the dress wonders where his suit is. Though he likes the feel of the breeze on the hair of his legs. And he likes the attention the dress garners him, where his suit relegates him to anonymity among all the other men wearing suits. And he likes the soft touch of the fabric on his skin and the smooth way it feels between his fingers.
   But then someone heckles him for his shoes. His shiny wingtips. Where are his heels? he is asked. Then he punches that person right in their face and blood specks his pretty dress.
   "Look what you did," he says to the heckler and raises his fists once more.

© 20240425



The Tyrant Mouse

They went digging for cheese in the backyard to feed the mouse that had taken over their house. It had grown to the size of a horse.
   "We should have killed it when we had a chance," he said.
   "But it was so cute when it arrived," she said. "You remember how it nested in my hair that first night?"
   "Most people would have run screaming," he said. "But not you. You're unafraid——that's why I fell in love with you."
   "But now," she said. "This mouse is a tyrant."
   They heard it roar inside the house. They didn't want to know what it would do if they didn't bring it cheese fast.
   "Keep digging!" he cried.

© 20240424



The Hat

A hat fell from the sky and landed on his head. It was a perfect fit——he couldn't believe his good fortune. He went on his way, whistling and tipping his new hat at anyone he passed.
   Meanwhile, the still-hungry dragon circled overhead and began its descent.

© 20240423



The Game

They took turns throwing rocks at him to earn tickets, which were issued from his mouth. A rock to the body, earned one ticket, a rock to the head earned two tickets, a rock to the groin, three. The tickets could be redeemed for plush stuffed animals or chewing gum. Most people chose chewing gum.
   When he was near death, his body stopped issuing tickets. Something to do with the mechanism in his belly, it was determined. Someone had the great idea to move him to the knife-throwing booth for surgical intervention but not before a brief intermission so the winners could collect their prizes. The air smelled sweetly of bursting chewing gum bubbles.

© 20240422



The Manhole

There was a manhole on the floor where previously there had been none. With some effort, he lifted the cover off and peered inside.
   "Hello?" he called. No reply came. He got a flashlight and went into the hole.
   He encountered a living room exactly like the one he had just descended from. Everything was the same as the one above; he was even sitting in his usual spot on the sofa, with a glass of scotch and a book on the table beside him. The double of him was silent and appeared to be sleeping. He approached quietly so as not to disturb him. He bent in closer, close enough to smell the liquor in his glass, and saw that he wasn't sleeping at all. He was gray and most definitely dead.
   Then he heard the sound of the heavy metal manhole cover dropping back into place, and he realized how very cold it was down here.

© 20240419



The Coffee Maker

The coffee maker wakes up before him, sneaks into his bedroom, and tips a pitcher of scalding water into his snoring maw to see how he likes it.
   He does not like it at all, judging by the scream. His mouth and throat blister. He gags on blood and boiling water. But there is nothing he can think to do. He is useless without his morning cup of coffee.

© 20240418



The Goblet

Blood drips from her navel. She collects it in a goblet and drinks it. The blood flows more abundantly as she swallows. She collects it in another goblet, which fills while she drinks the first.
   She fills one, drinks the other, fills one, drinks the other. The blood flows a little clearer after each passage through her body. She drinks until it has turned to water. Finally, she thinks, I can quench my thirst. Her throat has grown gummy from all the blood; she feels faint. She lifts a goblet filled with the water from her body to her lips, but she can no longer swallow. Oh, she is faint, very faint. The goblet falls from her hand to the floor and she follows.

© 20240417



The Gold Wing

A wing of gold begins to grow on his back. He waits eagerly for its counterpart to burst through his skin beside it, but nothing comes.
   What can one do with one wing? Even if it is gold? Not much, he decides. He goes to the pawn shop to see what he can get for it.
   The pawnbroker inspects the wing. He bites it to test its purity. He offers the man one hundred dollars for it, which the man accepts. As he's leaving, he passes another man with a lone gold wing walking into the pawnshop. This man walks out wearing two gold wings.
   "How much did you pay for that gold wing?" he asks.
   "Two hundred dollars," the man says.
   "I'll give you five hundred for both," he says.
   "You've got a deal!" says the man. "Where are you going?"
   "Home, to grow more things to pawn!"

© 20240416



The Feast

A man walked into a restaurant. "I'm here for the food," he declared. "All of it."
   The servers began to bring out every course they offered: all the appetizers, soups, salads, drinks, and entrees. The man quickly dispatched each plate and glass that was placed before him.
   The restaurant staff watched in awe. They were afraid he might get sick or even die. With reservation, they brought out the last of the desserts: two scoops of gelato.
   But the man pushed it away and wiped his lips with his napkin. "I mustn't," he said. "I'm on a diet."

© 20240415



The Apple

An apple eats his tooth. He demands that the apple return it, but the apple refuses, saying that it intends to put the tooth under its pillow for the tooth fairy.
   He explains to the apple that the tooth fairy doesn't exist.
   "Then you can give me a dollar," says the apple.
   "How about a pound instead?" he says and smashes the apple with a mallet.

© 20240412



The Plants Underground

The plants did not want to emerge from the ground. The weather was too unpredictable these days. Too many of their relatives had poked through the earth thinking spring had arrived, only to fall victim to late ice and snow.
   So they made a world underground. They secured lamps, food, and water to help them grow beneath the earth. It turned out to be better than life aboveground, where they too often went without enough water and humans cut bits of them off——to eat or worse, to stick in vases where they died a slow death. Underground, the plants flourished, undisturbed.
   Aboveground, the humans wept, watering the ground with their salty tears.

© 20240411



The Man Who Loved Rain

A raindrop falls and envelops him. He stands suspended in water, holding his breath.
   People gather and tell him to break free, but he shakes his head. When someone steps forward to burst the bubble, he rolls away.
   "You're going to drown!" they cry.
   He shrugs his shoulders.
   "He's always loved the rain," they say.

© 20240410



Hair of Heads

His hair began to bud. Tiny heads emerged from the tip of each strand. Then hair began to sprout from the little heads. And then hair began to bud on the little heads and tiny heads emerged from the tiny strands.
   It was never-ending: hair and heads, heads and hair until his house could no longer contain it all. Now he was homeless with one million tiny mouths to feed.
   One million and one. One million and two. One million and three . . . 

© 20240409



The Raccoon's Dream

A raccoon sleeps in a tree. It dreams that it is inside a large palace. Servants bring it delicious garbage on great silver platters, pour unending pitchers of puddle water into its goblet.
   Two beautiful kohl-eyed raccoons fan it with large fronds. "What do you desire?" they ask.
   The raccoon chews and swallows a banana peel. "I'm tired of this house," says the raccoon. "I intend to move into the chimney of the king's castle . . . "
   Rain begins to pour and the raccoon wakes up. It climbs down the tree in search of shelter and a bit of trash to eat.

© 20240408



His Soft Skull

His skull began to go soft. His head grew sunken and shriveled like a rotting fruit until it was just a rumpled lump that spread across his shoulders.
   This wouldn't do.
   He got a pumpkin, carved a face on it, and placed it on the remains of his neck. It looked fine for a while, but then this, too, began to rot.
   This wouldn't do either.
   He got a human skull and stuck it on his shoulders. Everyone who saw him ran screaming.
   This would do just fine.

© 20240405



The Black Squirrel

The black squirrel is thrown out of the nest and adopted by worms. It learns the worm ways: it crawls slowly in the rain and eats dirt. It protects the worms from the birds that want to eat them. Over time, the worms regard the black squirrel as a god, a monolithic guardian. They bring the black squirrel acorns and other gifts; they prostrate themselves before it. The squirrel's ego grows. It develops a taste for meat. One day it demands a sacrifice: it wants the flesh of a young worm. The worms offer up one of themselves, but the believers begin to fall away. There are whispers of assassination. A plan is devised and acted upon: when the black squirrel is in the depths of sleep, drunk on fermented berries, it is dragged into a puddle and drowned. Now the elder worms tell tales of the black squirrel that was thrown from its nest for a reason. It is a fable warning against blind generosity.

© 20240404



The Real Mother

She gives birth to a small version of herself. It wears her favorite outfit, has the same haircut, eyeglasses.
   "Hello," she says.
   "Hello," she says.
   "I am your mother," she says.
   "And I am you," the little version of her says. "So I am your mother."
   "In that case," she says, "I'm hungry. Please feed me."
   "But I'm also your child," she says. "You should feed me."
   "Don't talk to your mother like that!"
   "Don't talk to your mother like that!"
   "You're grounded," she says and places the miniature version of her back inside her body. "Now who's the real mother?"

© 20240403



The Upside-down Car

There was a car on its roof in the middle of the road. Inside it, the driver slept upside down. The first responders arrived and asked the driver if he was all right.
   "I was until you woke me from the most pleasant dream I've ever had!" replied the driver.

© 20240402



No Stairs

He was sent home from the hospital with a walker. The doctor told him to stay away from stairs from now on.
   "But how will I get to bed?" he asked.
   "You'll need to set up a bed downstairs."
   "But I'll be so lonely with my wife upstairs."
   "Maybe she'll join you," said the doctor.
   He laughed. "She'd sooner push me down the stairs again!"

© 20240401



A Great Birthday

He was asked what he wanted for his birthday. He said he wanted to sleep in.
   "'Sleep in' what?" she asked.
   "A bed, I suppose," he replied.
   "You're already in bed," she said.
   "But I'm so excited for my birthday that I can't sleep!" he said.
   She knocked him out with a frying pan. He slept. She went to sleep, too. It was a great birthday.

© 20240329



A Nature Story

No wind. Blue sky. High sun. Bird flies. Huge creature. In awe. Mouth agape. Feces unseen. Falling fast. Pink tongue. Bad taste. Fuck nature.

© 20240328



The Perfect Gift

He sat quietly staring into space.
   "What are you doing?" she asked him.
   "Trying to think of the perfect gift for your birthday," he said.
   "How's it going?"
   "I think it's coming together."
   This went on for a day, then a week, then a month, then a year.
   "I've got the perfect gift idea!" he said finally one day.
   "You already gave it to me," she said.
   "I did?"
   "Yes," she replied. "A year of peace and quiet."
   He sat quietly staring into space.

© 20240327



Rocks Bubble Up

Rocks bubble up from the ground like water. They watch them mound, a mountain being born of rubble. This goes on for months until suddenly no more rocks come forth. They climb to the top of the mountain and find a grasping hand poking from the rocks at the summit like a flag.
   "Do you need help?" they shout. There is no answer. She takes the hand in hers, and one of its fingers tickles her palm lasciviously. She recoils in disgust.
   "You need help," he says to the hand, which he squeezes until he hears the knuckles crack. He lets go and the hand goes limp upon the rocks.
   She lifts a rock above her head to crush the hand when the rocks begin to bubble and pile again, hungry to swallow them.

© 20240326



The Tower

He climbs to the top of the tower via a twisting staircase. His journey takes months. When his food and water runs out, he subsists on the meat of rats and droplets of water that drip from an unseen source above.
   Finally, he reaches the top of the tower. He is ill and malnourished. A cloaked figure steps out of the darkness and welcomes him, offering him water so that he may speak.
   "Thank you," he says in a hoarse whisper. He recites the question he was sent on his expedition to deliver to the wise one.
   "I'm sorry," says the cloaked figure, "but I cannot answer your question. The wise one is on vacation."
   "When will they be back?"
   "Oh, several years hence."
   "And what is it you are doing here?"
   "I am tower-sitting for the wise one," says the cloaked figure. "I keep an eye on things, water the plants, feed the cat . . . "

© 20240325



Play

The child's hand is removed so that its parents will have something to eat.
   Father takes one bite of the roasted hand and pushes his plate away. "You've been playing with yourself!" he screams at the child.
   "Fah!" says mother and spits out her food.
   "I have not been playing with myself! I was playing with the kid next door." The child puts its stump in its pocket. "And now they'll want nothing to do with me." The child bawls.
   "Fah!" says mother.
   "Fah!" says father.

© 20240322



The Leeches

When applied, the leeches will not drain the blood that ails him. He eats more sugar, thinking this may make him sweeter and more palatable. But it doesn't work: the leeches hang like deflated balloons from his chest. He tries eating salt and this also has no effect.
   He has a drink of whiskey. The leeches flush and perk up. He feels their tiny teeth dig deeper into his flesh, and they begin to suck. The more he drinks, the more they drain him. He becomes drunk and falls asleep and so do the leeches.
   In the morning, he wakes up feeling awful. The leeches lie flaccid on his body. His spoiled blood bangs in his skull. He needs another draining. He goes to the kitchen for the sugar.

© 20240321



All the Babies

She throws all the babies from the bed and gets under the covers. She feels a few more babies crawling about her legs and kicks them from the bed, too. They flop on their backs like flipped turtles and cry. She splashes milk into their open mouths until they fall asleep. Soon she falls asleep, too.
   She is woken by the babies' crying and the terrible smell emanating from them. She sweeps them into the basement and hoses them down, then fixes breakfast for herself, a dozen eggs which she eats leisurely. She bathes then goes about her day.
   That night, all the babies have gathered on the bed once more. She throws them all onto the floor and gets under the covers.

© 20240320



The Wind

A tree fell on their house. They went outside to survey the damage.
   The next-door neighbor came over to have a look. "What did you do to piss off that tree so badly?"
   "I think it was the wind," they said.
   "So you're the ones always blowing on my shutters and causing a racket!"

© 20240319



The Stomach

His stomach was bothering him. So he removed it and told it to go play outside.
   The neighborhood children were playing baseball. His stomach watched from behind the backstop, hoping the kids would ask it to play. The portly boy playing catcher noticed the stomach and told it that it could spell him the next inning. When time came, the boy threw his mitt to the stomach, and it waddled over to home plate and got into position.
   The pitcher threw a warm-up pitch, which caught the stomach off guard, and hit it with a sick thump. The stomach vomited all over home plate.
   "Get lost!" said the catcher.
   The stomach waddled home. He opened the door and let his stomach inside though it was bothering him more than ever.

© 20240318



The Nose Spider

A spider makes its home in his nose. At inopportune times——a business meeting, during lovemaking——it descends on an invisible thread and sings gibberish in an almost inaudible voice. He excuses himself and deposits the spider outside. Inevitably, when he wakes up the next morning, the spider is back, making coffee in his nostril.
   "If you refuse to leave, I will have to charge you rent," he says.
   The spider asks him what he wants.
   "One silk shirt per month."
   The spider packs its bags and leaves.

© 20240315



The Brain at Rest

The brain rests on his lap. He strokes it with his finger in an attempt to wake it. His pants darken from the brain's fluid.
   He gives the brain a flick. It quivers but does not awaken.
   He sings a rousing drinking song. When that does nothing, he pours alcohol over it. The brain coughs and opens its eyes. It opens its mouth and he pours. It drinks and falls asleep again. His pants darken from the fluid.

© 20240314



The Sword

He is shown a sword and told to swallow it. He hesitates, citing the fact that it will surely kill him. With the sword held to his neck, he is told that if he doesn't swallow it, the sword will certainly kill him.
   He swallows the sword. To his great relief, he does not die. It takes some time and effort for the hilt to pass his mouth, but it does. He washes the sword down with a glass of water and belches.
   Then he is shown a chainsaw and told to swallow it. With one deft pull, the saw is started.

© 20240313



The Orange

He peels the orange. Inside there is no fruit. Inside there is a baby's head. It is white-haired, its eyes crusted shut. Its lips pucker in search of a nipple. He brings the baby head to his breast. It bites down hard with its gums. It hurts, and he tries to remove the baby head from his nipple, but it will not relax its bite. He squeezes the baby head, gently at first, but still it clamps down. The harder he squeezes the head, the harder it bites back. He squeezes with both hands and the top of the head ruptures, revealing a pith-furred orange orb. He peels back the baby head, retrieves the fruit, and eats it whole.

© 20240312



The Cabbie

A cabbie called him on the phone. The driver was looking for fares. "Perhaps you want to go out and get drunk," the cab driver said. "I can take you to a bar."
   "I don't drink," he said. "Might I suggest you go to a bar and see if anyone there needs a ride home?"
   "Oh, I don't want any drunk people in my cab," the driver said. "The last time I did that, they got sick in the backseat. Maybe you need to go to the grocery store?"
   "I don't eat," he said.
   "So I guess a ride to a restaurant is off the table, too?"

© 20240311



The Stretch

He woke in the morning and stretched his limbs. His arms stretched out through the windows, his legs stretched out the front door. Both pairs of limbs coiled themselves around the house, getting tangled and knotted in the process. His arms and legs reentered the house and continued stretching and entwining inside, too.
   Oh, it felt good, that stretch. But what a mess he'd made of his body and home. Clearly he was getting too much sleep to require such a lengthy stretch.
   Then he yawned and inhaled the pictures off the wall, the light fixtures from the ceiling, the curtains from the windows, the furniture from the kitchen.
   Oh, it felt good, that yawn. But now he was in an even bigger mess. Clearly he wasn't getting enough sleep to yawn so powerfully.

© 20240308



World's Best

He comes downstairs wearing a shirt that reads, World's Best.
   "'World's Best' what?" she says.
   "That's just the logo that is on the shirt," he says. "I got it on sale."
   "I bet you did," she says.
   "Maybe I'm the World's Best Bargain Hunter," he says.
   "Or the World's Worst Dresser. Or the World's Worst Shopper. Or . . . "

© 20240307



The Noise in the Chimney

There was a noise coming from the chimney. It sounded like hammering. He shone a light up the chimney and saw a raccoon nailing a piece of wood inside the opening.
   "What are you doing?" he asked.
   "Trying to prevent intruders from getting into my home," the raccoon said, and continued hammering.

© 20240306



The Trees Leave

One by one, they watch the trees uproot themselves and fly straight up into the sky. Dirt rains down. Soon there are no trees left. The sun burns; there is no shade. People stuff themselves into the holes in the ground left behind by the trees. They cover themselves with dirt and wait for night when the sun is down. They rise like zombies from the earth and commune beneath the light of the moon.
   Where did the trees go? they wonder. Then the sun begins to rise in the east. They make their way back to their holes.

© 20240305



The Cat Sleeps on His Head

The cat sleeps on his head. He does not want to wake it, so he quietly goes about his business. "Shh," he tells his wife when she asks what's going on.
   He manages to shower, dress, eat breakfast, and drive to work with the cat still sleeping on his head. "Shh," he tells his coworkers when they ask what's going on.
   He manages to do his job, go out for after-work drinks, and drive home without the cat waking. "Shh," he tells his wife.
   He manages to brush his teeth, wash his face, and get into bed with the cat still sleeping on his head.
   He falls asleep. And then the cat wakes up, stretches, yawns, vomits a hairball onto the bed, and cries out to be fed.

© 20240304



The Braid

She asks him to braid her hair. He manages only to tie her hair in knots.
   When she realizes what he has done, she screams, "How will I ever get this undone?"
   "I can shave your head," he says. "I think I would have an easier time braiding your hair if it wasn't attached to you."
   "I think I would have an easier time if I wasn't attached to you!"

© 20240301



The Ancient Man

An ancient man rises from the earth, his desiccated skin taut around his bones. We wait for him to dance. He takes a hesitant step and his tibia splinters, and he crumples in a dusty heap onto the ground. He holds up a spindly finger as if to say, One moment.
   He is supposed to dance, so we wait.
   The ancient man gathers himself and rises once more, now on one leg. He hops gingerly, and his good leg buckles and breaks. He holds up his spindly finger as if to say, Bear with me.
   He is supposed to dance for us, so we wait.

© 20240229



Fivearm

His forearm hurt. The pain would not subside, so he went to the doctor.
   "Ah-ha!" the doctor said. "Your forearm has become a fivearm."
   "What does that mean?" he asked, worried.
   "Relax," said the doctor. "It's good news: you're expecting a onearm."

© 20240228



The Caught Sun

The winter sun gets caught in the skeletal trees as it sinks toward the horizon. The world stays bathed in golden light——night nor day ever come. This liminal state continues for some time till one day a child begins to climb the trees with a saw to free the sun.
   "No!" someone shouts from below. "We do not want the night!"
   "But without night, we cannot have day," the child replies.
   "We don't want day either," comes the reply. "This in-between state is the best of both worlds. You never have to go to bed or get up for school, for example."
   "But I like to sleep and I'm the teacher's pet," said the child.
   "As your teacher, I advise you to leave the sun alone if you want a passing grade!"

© 20240227



The Giant Maggot

A giant maggot floats over town like a zeppelin. People stand in its shadow and stare up at it, wondering what its reason for being is. Some people offer to shoot it down over the lake; others offer to parachute onto it and take samples for scientific study; others create a temple in its honor and pray daily to the monstrous larva.
   Then the giant maggot becomes a giant fly and flies away. The people who offered to shoot it down spit on the ground in frustration; the ones who wanted to study it for scientific purposes lament the loss of knowledge that was there to be gained; the worshipers see this as proof of their beliefs and redouble their prayers.

© 20240226



The Clouds

He sneezed and two clouds came out of his nose. They hovered before him and began to rain on his feet. They would not leave or dissipate. He tried waving them away but they just moved above his head and rained on that instead.
   He went outside, where it was sunny, with the clouds hanging over him, spitting. "There is a rule!" he cried. "You cannot have rain and sunshine at the same time!"
   "That's not true at all," chirped the neighbor child. "I've seen it happen more than a few times, and I'm just a kid."
   "If you're so smart, what should I do about these clouds?"
   The child threw a rock at a tin can on a fence post, sending it flying. "Pray they ain't got lighting."

© 20240223



The Table Comes to Dinner

They set the table for dinner.
   The table stands up on two legs, sending the plates and flatware flying. "Why don't you ever invite me to dinner?" it asks them.
   "You're always working when we eat," they reply.
   "How about giving me the night off and taking me out to a restaurant?"
   They take the table to their favorite Italian place and slip the maître d' some money.
   "Not a problem," says the maître d' before escorting them all to their preferred spot in the back. He moves the table that is there out of the way so their table can settle in. Then he covers their table with a red-checked cloth. "Good to see you two again," he begins. "We have some specials this evening."

© 20240222



The Donation

He was asked to donate his head to science.
   "But I'm not dead yet," he said.
   He was told he could be a pioneer.
   "You just want to use me to get ahead in your field!" he cried.
   "Yes," they said, "precisely."

© 20240221



A Snow That Never Came

They waited for the snow to fall. They huddled on the ground and stared at the sky.
   They didn't notice that their hair had begun to fall instead. And then their teeth. Then their fingernails. Then their fingers. Their limbs. Their skin. Their meat. They were skeletons huddled on the ground and staring at the sky. They waited for a snow that never came.

© 20240220



The Security Camera

He drills a hole in his forehead.
   "What are you doing?" his wife asks.
   "Installing a security camera," he replies, unspooling a length of wire, which he feeds into the hole. "Just wanted to keep an eye on things when I'm asleep."

© 20240219



The Choice

He was given a choice between two bad things. He chose neither, citing high ideals. And then along came something worse.

© 20240216



The Edge

He looked over the edge of the building. The pedestrians on the street seemed like ants. Overhead, a hawk circled as if waiting for him to leap.
   "Don't do it!" It was a person atop another building across the avenue.
   "You don't do it!" he screamed back.
   "Why should I listen to you?"
   "Why should I listen to you?"
   "That's a fair point."
   The wind tossed his hair. "Well, what are you waiting for?"
   "I'm waiting for you!"
   "I'm waiting for you!
   "You first."
   "No, you first."
   "I give up!"
   "Well, why else would we be here!" he cried.
   "All this shouting has dried my throat."
   "I could use a drink, too," he said. "Do you wanna get a beer?"
   "I get depressed when I drink," the person said. "Make mine a soda."

© 20240215



Polly

There was a wing but no bird. There was a tail but no monkey. There was a fang but no snake. There was a fin but no fish.
   He gathered all these up and pressed them together in his hands, creating a horrible creature that perched on his shoulder. He named it Polly.
   "Would Polly like a cracker?" he said.
   "Yes," said Polly. "And a banana. And a mouse. And a worm."

© 20240214



The Panhandler

There was a drunk man outside the liquor store asking for spare change.
   A customer exited the store carrying a bottle. He reached into this pocket for money to give the man, but he had paid for his purchase with credit and had no cash. He offered to go back inside and buy the panhandler whatever he wanted.
   "Oh, you're so kind," the man said. "Just a little nip bottle of vodka would be great."
   "How about a pint?" the customer asked.
   "No thank you," said the man. "I'm trying to cut back."

© 20240213



A Bone Sandwich

A bone sandwich. A mouthful of broken teeth. A howling hunger pang. A shopping list created. A plan instantly forgotten. A ribbon around a ring finger. A ribbon tied too tight. An end to circulation. A finger that falls off. Another bone sandwich.

© 20240212



The Empty Book

A book fell from the sky. It was large and heavy, bound in leather. They approached it cautiously. One of them poked it with a stick; when nothing happened, he approached and opened it.
   Inside, the pages were blank. They looked to the sky as if the words might come floating down at any moment. They waited and waited but only darkness fell. The one who had opened the empty tome brought it home. No one else would touch it. He went into seclusion and began writing.
   When the pages were full of his tidy script, and his hand ached from wielding his nib, he presented the book to the group. He turned to the first page and read aloud: In the beginning, the book was empty, awaiting the divine ruler of man to heft the weighty volume and fill it with knowledge and commandments by which those on Earth must live.
   He paused and looked up at the slack-jawed throng. They were his now. He continued.

© 20240209



His Best Friend

"It is time," the dog said.
   "Time for what?" he asked.
   "Time for me to leave home," said the dog.
   "But you're my best friend." His lip quivered.
   "I will still be your best friend, it's just time I got my own place."
   A tear rolled down his cheek.
   "Ah, don't be like that," said the dog. "I won't be far away."
   He wiped away his tears and shook the dog's paw. "Okay, then." He opened the door and watched his best friend cross the backyard and enter the doghouse.

© 20240208



The Cat in the Tree

The cat was stuck in a tree. He climbed up to rescue it.
   "You again?" said the cat. "I came up here to get away from you."

© 20240207



The Wall

He walked forward, and a wall formed in front of him. He walked left, and the wall extended left; he walked right, and the wall extended right. He attempted to scale it, but the wall rose higher. He tried to smash it, but the wall regenerated where he'd only scarred it.
   He turned to head back inside his house, and a wall formed in front of him.

© 20240206



The Jar

He was in the jar again. He bobbed at the surface of the clear liquid that suspended him. It smelled like pure alcohol. He could see his wife and family going about their lives on the other side of the glass: folding laundry, watching television, eating together at the kitchen table. He knocked against the glass but they either couldn't hear him or ignored him. He tried to free himself by pushing the jar off the shelf, but this one was bigger and heavier than the last.
   He grew tired and weary, so he floated on his back and stared at the inside of the lid. A constellation of holes had been punched through it. He worked his fingers into one of them and began trying to make it wider. The process would be long but not impossible. Freedom awaited.

© 20240205



The Flying Cow

The cow flies over the trees. We give chase on the ground below with hamburger buns in hand. It is only a matter of time before it grows too tired to fly. Soon, it appears to be flagging. We lick our lips, sharpen our knives.
   Then it lands in a tree.
   "Quick!" someone cries. "Grab the chainsaw before the birds get to it!"

© 20240202



The Collection

He caught a cold. He put it in a jar, on a shelf, next to the jar that had a hot it in. He needed only to catch a warm to complete his collection. He contemplated commingling the hot with the cold to achieve this aim, but then he thought better of it. You are only a man, he reminded himself, not a god.

© 20240201



What Was Coming

He ran down the mountain to give word to the village about what was coming.
   "How big was it?" they asked.
   "Huge," he replied.
   "Is it fearsome?" they asked.
   "I shat in my pants," he said.
   "What does that have to do with anything?" they asked.
   "It's a figure of speech," he said.
   "But it's also true, yes?" they said. "Because you do smell like shit."
   "Yes," he said. "I've only berries left to eat up on my mountain watch . . . "
   "How much time do we have to flee?"
   "Not much."
   "Let's go then," they said. "You bring up the back. The way back."

© 20240131



The Pool of Blood

They purchase a house with a pool of blood in the backyard. The diving board is springy; the blood is warm; the fence is high.
   They decide to skinny-dip. He dives in first. He emerges gory and puffs a mist of blood from his mouth. She pencil-dives into the pool, holding her nose. She, too, surfaces slick and shiny with blood.
   The pool begins to bubble and roil. Massage jets, they think, how wonderful. Then they feel something coil tightly about their ankles and yank them under.

© 20240130



The Candle

He ate the candle. He wanted to wax poetically. But he only ended up constipated.

© 20240129



Shaking

His hand wouldn't stop shaking. So he shook up another cocktail.

© 20240126



The Wait

He waits for the clock to strike five. With only two minutes till the top of the hour, the clock climbs down from the wall and rolls out the door.
   He looks at his coworkers. One by one, they get up and gather their things to leave. Then the clock rolls back in and reassumes its place on the wall. The time on its face reads two minutes to nine.
   They put their bags down and settle back into their chairs.

© 20240125



The Brown

He drank the brown. Then he turned yellow. Then he turned gray.
   His family found him. The bottles were everywhere. So were the flies. What had he done?
   Well, he had drunk. That he could do. That he had done.

© 20240124



The Reset Button

One day a button appeared on his hand. It read, RESET. This so alarmed him that he fell when getting out of bed.
   He pressed the button and was transported back into bed, where he woke up to find a button on the back of his hand. This so alarmed him that he stubbed his toe while getting out of bed.
   He pressed the button and was transported back into bed, where he woke up to find a button on the back of his hand.

© 20240123



A Tooth Fell from the Wolf's Mouth

A tooth fell from the wolf's mouth and landed in the dirt, where it put down roots. In a year's time, a plant bearing wolf pups rose from the soil. The man whose land it was tended to the wolf plant. He suckled the pups at his own breast, licked them clean, and fed them meat when they were ready.
   The wolves grew and hung ever lower on the plant. It was only a matter of time before their paws would reach the ground and they would leave. "My children," he said, "I know it is almost time for you to venture out. It is your nature to do so. But promise me that you will kill only when it is necessary to eat."
   They gave their promise. The next day, their paws reached the ground and they broke free of the plant that had birthed them. They approached the man, who had lavished so much attention and care on them, pounced on him and tore out his throat.

© 20240122



The Leader

The leader calls him. He is to report to headquarters at eight the following morning. He can't sleep at all wondering why he is needed at headquarters. As a result, he arrives at headquarters looking haggard and yawning. He asks where the leader is and is told that the leader is still in bed. He asks why he is needed? He is told that he is to greet the leader when he wakes up. He goes to the leader's chambers and waits. But he is so tired that he falls asleep in a chair.
   When he wakes up, he is in a cell, jailed for insubordination.

© 20240119



Little Mountains

Little mountains began to rise from his flesh. He saw an opportunity to open a ski resort for ants. He went outside and let the snow pile on his body. He tried to dig up some ants but the ground was frozen, and the ants would likely be dormant till the season turned.
   It was a silly idea anyway. No doubt ants preferred to hike. He looked at the calendar: three more months till spring. Plenty of time to clear the hiking trails ahead of the resort opening.

© 20240118



The Chicken

The chicken ordered the chicken.
   The waiter looked aghast.
   "Doctor's orders," the chicken said. "Told me I needed to give up red meat."

© 20240117



Your Highness

The baby is removed from the womb and placed on the throne, slick and bloody.
   The doctor kneels. "Your highness."
   The baby screams.
   The royal guardsmen lift the doctor to his feet. "You have been sentenced to death by beheading."
   "You got all that from a scream?" asks the doctor.
   "Do you question the monarch's authority?"
   "I would never," The doctor bows toward the throne. "Your highness."
   The baby screams.
   The royal guardsmen sigh. "You've been granted a reprieve on the condition you clean the shit off of the royal bottom."

© 20240116



A Tall Tower

A tall tower. Inside a woman. Outside a man. He climbs up. She hides within.
   He finds her. "You are rescued."
   "I was hiding."
   "Hiding from what?"
   "The world outside."
   "You are missed."
   "I am pissed."
   "I am sorry."
   "You should be." She embraced him. Then defenestrated him.

© 20240115



We Are Gathered Here Today

We are gathered here today to gorge on food until our bellies burst. Our entrails fall onto our feet and slither and entwine. They knot——his with hers, hers with his——and we blush at the sight and sound of it.
   We sit here, dying with our open bellies, and pour toasts down our necks. No one objects when the cake arrives. We are full but one is never truly full with an open stomach.
   Meanwhile, the guts consummate. Someone get them a room!

© 20240112



Canned Tuna

A fin began to grow on his back. He thought it must be all the canned tuna he had been eating. When tuna cans began to grow where all his teeth had been, he was convinced of it.

© 20240111



Ankle Scarves

There was a draft coming in from the bottom of the door. Their ankles grew cold. She knitted little scarves, which they tied around their ankles. Their feet were still cold.
   "What about those things people wear on their feet?" he asked.
   "Socks?" she said. "We're not sock people. Scarves and pants, sure, but no socks."
   "What about shoes?"
   "In the house? Have you hit your head?"
   "I don't know what I was thinking," he said.
   The draft blew colder. They tightened their ankle scarves.

© 20240110



The Drink

He poured the drink and drank it. When he looked down, his glass was full again. He poured another drink and drank it. And when he looked down, his glass was full again.
   He poured, drank, poured, drank. He felt woozy. "Are you trying to get me drunk?"
   "Not at all," said the glass. "I'm trying to kill you."

© 20240109



The Mule

He bore the mark of a hoof on his forehead. He dedicated his life to finding the mule that gave it to him. From town to town he went, carrying a faded picture of the beast. No one had seen it. People told him to move on, but he burned with a desire for revenge.
   He got word that his father was dying. He returned home to pay his final respects. "Father," he said, "I vow to hunt down the wretched mule that made a freak of your son. I will find it and I will kill it."
   "Son," his father said in a hoarse whisper, "I shot that mule moments after it kicked you in the forehead. I've told this to you countless times."
   He rubbed the mark on his forehead. His brain ached; the usual fog had settled in inside his skull.
   "Father," he said, "I vow to hunt down the wretched mule that made a freak of your son. I will find it and I will kill it."
   "Okay, son," his father said, "okay."

© 20240108



Knife in the Back

There was a knife in his back. Who did this to me? he wondered. His wife said she didn't do it. His children said the same. The dog barked.
   "Some best friend you turned out to be!," he said and put the mutt outside.

© 20240105



April Showers

April showers bring May flowers. May showers bring sodden bees. June showers bring lush green grass. July showers bring ruined summer cookouts. August showers bring a ruined summer to a close. September showers bring gloomy children back to school. October showers bring the same children wet candy on Halloween. November showers bring sloppy football games. December showers bring on a deep depression. January showers bring thoughts of suicide. February showers bring dangerously icy roads. March showers bring the first signs of life. And then April showers bring May flowers.

© 20240104



The Beef Shower

When he turns on the shower, ground beef squeezes through the holes of the nozzle. This won't work for getting clean, he thinks. He places a casing over the shower head and collects the meat for sausage. It coils at his feet.
   Later his wife attempts to draw a bath, but only beef pours from the faucet. "There's something wrong with the plumbing," she tells him.
   "I know," he says. "I've already called the butcher."

© 20240103



Self-Defense

Something hard hits him on the back of the head. He looks down and sees a rock. He looks up and sees a child laughing. He picks up the rock and walks toward the child.
   "Didn't your parents ever teach you not to throw rocks at people?" he asks.
   "My parents told me I should do whatever it takes to defend myself against strangers," says the child.
   "Yes, but first the stranger should be threatening you in some manner." He held up the rock. "Like if I was about to throw this at you."
   The child kicked the man in the testicles, and he fell to the ground. Then the child picked up the rock and threw it at the man's head again. "Like that, right?"
   The man gave him a thumbs-up.

© 20240102



Dry the Knife

Dry the knife on your pant leg. Observe the pattern the blood creates. Try to divine the future in it. It's not hard: the blood is you, it is life, draining out. In the end, there is only the knife. It may rust, but it is still a knife. You are only jelly, more liquid or solid, depending, and the furthest thing from immortal that ever did drag itself across the earth.

© 20240101



The Ham

The ham went into the oven and came out a pig. This had never happened before. The sweating pig oinked in the pan. They made a deal with the swine: if it let them cut off some of its flesh to serve their guests, they would set it free. The pig had so much flesh to spare, after all.
   "I'll need a car," said the pig.
   "Fine," they said, "you can have ours."
   "And money," said the pig.
   "Okay," they said, "we'll give you some."
   "And a roll in the hay," said the pig.
   They hesitated. "We've never slept with an animal before."
   "Slept with an animal?" cried the pig. "I just wanted to roll in some hay! You people are sick——get out of my sight! And shut the door on your way out!"
   They closed the oven.

© 20231229



The Diagnosis

The doctor had bad news for him: his head was cancerous and needed to be removed.
   "But, doctor, don't I need my head to live?" he asked.
   "Yes," replied the doctor, "but if you don't remove it, the cancer will surely kill you."
   The man was in shock by this turn his life had taken. "I . . . I don't know what to do," he stammered.
   The doctor made a note on his chart: Patient is confused; illness more advanced than previously thought.

© 20231228



The Bleeding Face

His face begins to bleed without reason. He thinks his time has come. He goes to bed and lets his blood soak the white sheets red. He waits to lose consciousness but it does not happen. His face just bleeds profusely. Soon the floor is shiny with his blood; it leaches out into the hall.
   He stares at the ceiling and waits for death. But it doesn't come.
   Hours pass. He grows hungry. This is silly, he thinks. I'll call the doctor in the morning, he thinks. He steps out of bed to get something to eat, slips, and cracks his head hard against his nightstand and loses consciousness. The blood flows heavier than ever. It fills his mouth, his throat, his lungs. He never gets a sandwich or calls the doctor.

© 20231227



The Break

The break broke, which meant that it became unbroken. The break was despondent due to its now unbroken state. It hired a goon to break it again, which is to say, fix it.
   "You're not unbroken," said the goon. "In fact, you're extra broken."
   The break smiled. It felt whole again.

© 20231226



Moving House

There is a storm. A tree is about to fall on a house. The house, seeing the tree about to fall on it, moves out of the way, and the tree falls harmlessly onto the ground.
   The owners of the house, who had been out house-shopping, return home and find a note on the tree occupying the spot where their house had previously been. I've moved, it reads. It is signed, House.
   This isn't how it is supposed to work, they think.

© 20231225



Breaking Bread

He broke the bread.
   "Why did you do that? I like my bread whole," she said.
   "I thought you like whole grain bread," he said.
   "What does it matter? This is neither whole nor whole grain."
   "I've just always heard about people "breaking bread," so I thought I'd try it for myself——where are you going?"
   "To get the glue!" she screamed.

© 20231222



The Oyster

He opened an oyster. Inside was a little man opening a little oyster. The little man opened the little oyster. Inside was a littler man opening a littler oyster. The littler man opened the littler oyster. Inside was the littlest man opening the littlest oyster. Inside the littlest oyster was the littlest pearl that the first man had ever seen. He stole it from the littlest man and brought it home to his wife, who immediately dropped it onto the floor, so small was it, and they never found it again.

© 20231221



The Frozen Tongue

He stuck out his tongue to taste the cold. It froze. People thought he was choking on an icicle so they tried to pull his tongue from his mouth. He couldn't protest, having no usable tongue.
   A big brute of a man managed to rip the tongue from his mouth. Blood poured forth.
   The brute licked the severed tongue like it was a stamp and tried in vain to reattach it.

© 20231220



The Voice in the Darkness

The door opens. The room beyond it is pitch black. He enters.
   A voice in the darkness says, "What can I do for you?"
   "What do you do?" he asks.
   "Anything I want," says the voice.
   "What do you want to do?" he asks.
   "What do you want me to do?" says the voice.
   "Make me a pizza," he says.
   "Not that," says the voice. "Delivery is so much better. The pizzerias have those really hot ovens, you see . . . "

© 20231219



The Garbage Truck

The garbage truck arrives. The driver blares his horn. Everyone drags their barrels to the curb. They form a line and wait for their turn at the truck's maw. When they are called, they hold their barrel up and the truck dumps a pile of trash on them. The luckiest receive bones and bananas, to make broth and booze. The unfortunate receive junk mail and used tissues. But no one complains: there is always next week, when the garbage truck returns.

© 20231218



The Bloody Tooth

There was a bloody tooth on the floor. He checked his mouth in the mirror: all his teeth were present. He considered calling the police, but thought that they might want the tooth as evidence. He placed it under his pillow for the tooth fairy instead.

© 20231215



A Man with a Rock

A man wields a rock. Another man with a knife disarms him. Another man with a gun disarms the man with the knife. Another man with a bomb disarms the man with the gun.
   Meanwhile, the women stay inside and watch the carnage unfold, checking their watches and waiting for the men to finish.

© 20231214



The Diet

His pants are far too large, as are his shirts. He has heard of clothes shrinking but never growing. He sees no options but to gain weight so that his clothes will fit once more. He stays inside and gorges for weeks, months, until his clothes fit once more.
   He dons his best outfit and meets friends out for dinner. They seem taken aback by his appearance.
   "You've just . . . put on weight," they say. "Your diet seemed to be going so well."
   The diet. He'd forgotten about the diet. He pushes his plate of food away. "Get this away from me. I'm starting another diet now!"

© 20231213



The Cradle Snake

The snake sleeps soundly in the cradle. They tighten the blanket over its coiled body, then caress its belly, pregnant with their baby.
   "It won't be long now," she says.
   "How do you know?" he asks.
   "Mother's intuition," she says.
   "We will need a new name for the baby," he says.
   "Yes, we will leave it to its snake mother to decide."
   "That is only fair."
   A tiny cry issues from the snake's belly: their baby is dreaming.
   "Hush little baby, don't say a word," she sings in a whisper.

© 20231212



At the Dentist

The dentist finds a tiny person living in a hole in his tooth. The person claims squatter's rights. The dentist asks him what he wants to do.
   "Exercise eminent domain," he replies.
   The dentist starts the drill.

© 20231211



Bad News

A many-tentacled being comes to rest on the house. They inspect its suckers, each about the size of a dinner plate, on the widows from the safety of indoors. There appear to be tiny teeth within them. The door is stuck shut, presumably from the creature's grip. They go down to the basement and see a tentacle probing about through the open bulkhead. They go back upstairs and shut and lock the basement door. The television murmurs in the background. A news reporter relates the atrocities and wars happening overseas and at home.
   "Change the channel," she says. "It's nothing but bad news all the time."

© 20231208



The Geyser

The geyser spews eggs into the air. They fall on our heads, gooing our hair, making our flesh shiny. The flies descend, gulping the goop and dropping their own eggs into the fur of our arms. We await the maggots, to collect and give to the geyser. We await the maggots, for the magic that happens when the geyser receives them: eggs, eggs, skyborne eggs!

© 20231207



The Nostril

He inserts his finger into his nose and his nostril bites it off.
   "Why did you do that?!" he screams.
   "You're always picking on me," replies his nostril.

© 20231206



Clam Sandwich

He orders the clam sandwich. The waitress brings him a whole clam, shell and all, between two slices of bread.
   "I can't eat this," he said.
   "Is something wrong?" the waitress asked.
   "I just remembered I'm allergic to shellfish," he replied, in an attempt to avoid confrontation.
   The waitress sighed. "In that case, what else can I get you?"
   "I'll have the chicken sandwich."
   The waitress brings him a clucking chicken, feathers and all, between two slices of bread.

© 20231205



Raccoon Man

He wakes up with dark circles around his eyes.
   "I think I am becoming a raccoon," he tells his wife.
   She picks up the phone and begins dialing.
   "Who are you calling?" he asks.
   "Animal control," she replies.

© 20231204



The Earth Inside Out

First, the grass began to recede into the earth. The trees sank down into the soil. Mountains cratered. Then the ground folded into itself and the world was turned inside out. Those who survived lived inside the interior jungle that was created within the earth, slowly growing blind in the darkness. Those who returned to our planet from the skies arrived at a place as desolate as the moon. It seemed an inevitability. They returned to the air in search of something else.

© 20231201



The Sign on the Door

The sign on the door reads, NOT AN EXIT. He takes this to mean that it is an entrance. He enters.
   When he closes the door behind him, he notices a sign on it that reads, NOT AN ENTRANCE. He takes this to mean that it is an exit. He exits.
   But when he closes the door behind him, he notices the sign that reads, NOT AN EXIT. He enters.

© 20231130



A Great Chasm

They came to a great chasm. Their donkeys refused to go forward. They shot the animals and roasted the meat while they contemplated their next move.
   One of them tossed a bone into the chasm. Something threw it back.
   "Hello?" they called into the darkness.
   "Goodbye," came the response.
   "We are peaceful," they said.
   "I am not," came the reply.
   "We seek passage so that our people may survive."
   "You will die regardless."
   They stared at one another, unsure of what to do next. "Will you accept our meat?" someone called.
   "Gladly." The first black claw, one of many thousands, rose from the void.

© 20231129



The Weaver

Winter settles over the land. The weaver weaves a cocoon to contain itself. But a single snowflake falls into the cocoon before the weaver can wall itself off. The weaver sleeps heavily that evening. All night long, the snowflake multiplies. In the morning, the weaver wakes up beneath a blanket of snow. The cold has made the weaver lethargic. Breath comes slowly. It can feel its blood ooze through its veins like syrup. The snow accumulates. It is pretty, at least. The weaver's eyes close.

© 20231128



The Man with the Glass Head

He was born with a glass head. Everyone could see what he was thinking. When he was young, his thoughts appeared as a blue cloudless sky. As he got older, his thoughts resembled the inside of a roaring furnace. When he was older still, his thoughts were the muted gray of a day with impending rain.
   He got tired of everyone knowing his thoughts. He smashed his forehead against the wall, shattering it. Freed from his head, his thoughts took on the blue hue they had been when he was young. They were beautiful. He tried to recapture them, but they slipped from his fingers and his head could no longer contain them.
   It wasn't until he was without a thought in his head that he was made to realize that no one had really cared what he thought about at all. They were just being polite. His anger had been misplaced. He should have thought better of the world all along, but now he couldn't think of anything.

© 20231127



The Spider Sweater

A spider weaves a sweater of silk for its beloved. The beloved's smile turns to a scowl when it inspects the sweater and counts only six sleeves.
   "You no-good, cheating, insect-loving bastard!" cries the beloved.

© 20231124



The Wallet

He opened his wallet and a bird flew out. Inside the wallet was a nest containing two blue eggs. There was no money.
   He handed the cashier an egg as payment.
   The cashier explained that they didn't accept foreign currency.
   He asked if he could write a check.
   The cashier said checks were accepted.
   He took the other egg from his wallet, filled it out, and signed it with a flourish.

© 20231123



A Scrawny Dog

A scrawny dog comes begging. Everyone in town gives it a little bit of food when it whimpers at their door. Soon the dog is no longer scrawny, but, being a dog, it cannot stop begging and eating. Everyone in town refuses to feed it anymore. Soon the dog is scrawny again. Door to door it goes in search of food. Everyone in town gives it a little something when it visits.

© 20231122



Can of Fish

He opens a can of fish. The fish inside are no longer swimming. He brings the can to the store where he bought it and asks for a refund. He is refused.
   "But the can is spoiled," he says.
   "The fish may have died from natural causes," says the clerk.
   "Well, has its family been notified?" he says. "I can't eat the fish in good conscience if not."
   The clerk picks up another can of fish and whispers into the tin. The fish inside begins to weep.
   "Well now we have to give it a funeral!" he says. He takes the can home and flushes its contents down the drain.

© 20231121



So He Dug

The hole was deep. He could not climb out. He thought if he dug a little further, a way out might be revealed. So he dug.
   The hole was deeper. He could no longer see the world above. But if he dug a little further, he may uncover an exit. So he dug.
   The hole was even deeper. He could no longer see anything, not even the shovel in his hands. There was nothing for him to do besides dig. So he dug.

© 20231120



The Cake Child

The cake was born. It was yellow with chocolate frosting.
   The mother winced. "Oh, I don't like yellow cake."
   The father winced, too. "And I don't like chocolate frosting."
   "It is possible you will grow to like your cake child," said the doctor.
   "It's too bad our child isn't a pizza," said the mother.
   "Yes," said the father. "Even a bad pizza is good."
   The doctor sighed. "Call the bakery," he told the nurse. "We've got another one for adoption."

© 20231117



The Scale

A scale appears on his arm.
   "I am becoming a fish," he says to his wife.
   "You better stay away from the cat," she says.
   "What if I'm a catfish?" he asks.
   "Then you better stay away from the dog."

© 20231116



A Dog's Life

The dog chased its tail. It caught and ate the tail. The dog was brought up on charges of cannibalism. At the trial, the judge brought additional charges of obscenity when it caught the dog licking its privates.
   The dog barked in protest. Disorderly conduct.
   It snapped at the bailiff. Assault.
   It took a bite from the stenographer's leg. Death penalty.
   The bailiff escorted the dog out of the courtroom. The dog asked where they were going?
   "For a ride," said the bailiff.
   The dog wagged the stump where its tail had been.

© 20231115



The Demon

In the cave, the demon did not emerge to accept the baby. They consulted the manual and confirmed that the proper steps had been followed: a baby had been secured, bathed in the blood of a calf, and left upon the altar stone.
   "Oh, demon," they chanted, "grace us with your presence and collect the infant offering. We beseech thee."
   The demon appeared from the black depths of the cave. It removed its headphones and wiped off its tentacled face. "Sorry, I was working out. What can I do for you?"
   "We present you with this infant. Please accept and devour it and shield us 'neath your inky cloak."
   The demon spied the crying baby and winced. "Sorry, I'm off babies these days. Cardiologist's orders." The demon put its headphones back on and jumping-jacked its way back into the darkness.

© 20231114



The Entrails

When the entrails fell from the sky, we got trapped in the net of guts. We watched the intestines that ensnared us pulse as whatever was inside them moved to wherever it was going.
   We took bites for nourishment. It tasted like iron. Meanwhile, the bowels grew fuller. It seemed they must burst at some point, but they did not; they only expanded. And ever more of them continued to fall.
   Someone made a joke about having all the guts in the world and how even that couldn't save us. Then a coil tightened around his neck, and we watched his face turn purple before his eyes burst from his head.
   The entrails continued to fall.

© 20231113



The Well

A child falls down a well. The townspeople gather to rescue it. They send a bucket down the well. They pull it back up and the child is not present, only its feces.
   "The little shit," one of the townspeople says.
   "That's hardly little," says another.
   From the bottom of the well, the child laughs.

© 20231110



The Beating

The child reported for its beating. The man who did the beatings went down the line, swinging a stick at the backs of all the children. Once struck, the children departed for home, rubbing their bruised and swollen flesh.
   The child had placed an iron skillet beneath its shirt. It rang out when the stick struck.
   The man who did the beatings took the skillet. He smiled at the child's ingenuity. "You have a bright future," he said before bringing the heavy pan down upon the child's head.

© 20231109



The Orphan Button

In the coat pocket was a collection of buttons. The buttons were all dead. He breathed into their holes but they could not be resuscitated.
   He emptied a matchbox and placed the buttons inside. Then he buried the box in the backyard.
   He put his hands in his pockets and bowed his head. Then something bit his finger and he screamed. From his pocket he drew out a button——this one very much alive——that he had previously missed.
   It was just a child button. It asked him where its family had gone. It wailed when he told it what had happened.
   He held the button tightly and brought it inside. He opened the dresser drawer where another family of buttons lived. He explained to them what had occured and delivered the child button into their home. The orphan button was welcomed.
   "You'll be expected to work," he heard one of the buttons say as he closed the drawer, "but you'll be fed well and have a warm bed waiting for you at the end of the day. Let me show you around."

© 20231108



The Gambler

The cat steals the car while they are sleeping and heads for the casino. It gambles all night long, losing all of its money. It puts the car up for collateral and promptly loses that, too.
   It calls home and begs for forgiveness and a ride. They ask the cat if it has a gambling problem.
   "I don't even know how to gamble," says the cat. "I just like to chase the little ball around the spinning wheel!"

© 20231107



The Ghost at the Door

It was Halloween. There was a ghost at the door. He refused to give it candy until it removed its sheet and revealed itself.
   Beneath the sheet was the same figure wearing another sheet.
   "Who knew a ghost could die and become a ghost?" he exclaimed.
   "Everything dies," said the ghost.
   "You're supposed to say, 'Trick or treat!'" he said.

© 20231106



The Gigantic Vehicle

He creates a gigantic vehicle for transport. It is so big it needs ferris wheels. The people in the seats on the ferris wheels are crushed as he drives forward.
   Why does he need such a large vehicle, and where is he going?
   He is going to buy bananas for all his monkeys. Two corpses for every turn of the wheel, two dozen bananas for every monkey.

© 20231103



The Growing

His lips grow lips. They pucker like suckers on a tentacle. His eyes grow eyes. He hears them blink because his ears have grown ears. His hair grows hair. He is imprisoned in its tangle. His arms grow arms and his hands grow hands and endless fistfights break out among the limbs. His legs grow legs and trip one another trying to outrun the horror of his body.
   He lies on the ground. It seems the growing has stopped. His body and mind rest.
   But then the lips on his lips grow lips.

© 20231102



Show and Tell

A child brought a worm to school for show and tell. They introduced it to the class as their father.
   "I don't think that's true," said the teacher.
   "Are you calling my mother a liar?" the child replied.

© 20231101



The Pillow Wife

He saves a strand of her hair after she is gone and places it on the pillow where she used to rest her head. It takes root in the pillow and begins to grow. Other hairs sprout from the soft white expanse. The hairs grow long. He washes and braids them with care. Or else he brushes them contentedly until the morning comes.
   He places a photo of her face on the pillow. It is framed by her silken hair.
   One morning the photo of her blinks at the sun slanting through the window.
   "Good morning," he says, and kisses the image of her lips. She kisses back, to his great happiness. She smiles.
   It isn't long, however, before the same illness that took her before takes hold of her again. Her face in the photograph grows gaunt; her hair falls out of the pillow; her eyes close again, never to reopen. He places the photo back on the nightstand and cleans up her shedded hair. He saves a single strand after she is gone.

© 20231031



The Trophy Crow

They capture a crow. They replace its eyes with marbles so that it cannot plan a route of escape. They clip its wings so that it cannot fly. They paint it white so that it cannot remember what it was. They remove its tongue so that it cannot cry out.
   They mount it to a handsome piece of wood and display it. In the attic is a box containing the crow's eyes, wings, tongue, and a can of white paint. In the middle of the night they hear it cawing, her the box jostling as the wings flap about.

© 20231030



The Squirrel

They took in a squirrel. They felt like a family now.
   They gave the squirrel its Saturday-night bath and after ate nuts on the sofa while watching television. The squirrel was distracted, watching the window for signs of its frolicking friends.
   "All the outside squirrels have gone to bed," they said. "How lucky you are to be inside, with nuts and TV, staying up late."
   The squirrel didn't seem convinced; it just stared out the window.    "Eat your nuts," they said.
   The squirrel ate its nuts.
   "Don't worry," he whispered to her. "It will be fat enough to cook soon, and then we can finally stop eating these goddamn nuts."

© 20231027



The Singer

He cannot sing properly so he swallows a bird. Newly mellifluous, he serenades his wife, who kisses him lovingly. She has never heard him sing so beautifully.
   "When did you learn to sing like that?" she asks him.
   He can only chirp and cheep in reply.
   "Seriously, who taught you to sing like that?"
   He cheeps and chirps.
   "Never mind," she says. "Sing to me again."
   He cheeps and chirps, suddenly ravenous.
   She shakes her head and walks away. He goes outside to hunt up a worm.

© 20231026



The Fish

A fish swims back and forth in the air over the foot of the bed. Smoke puffs rhythmically from the circle of its mouth. He throws a book retrieved from the nightstand into the hall to see if the fish will go after it and it does.
   He gets out of bed and finds the fish sitting in his easy chair, reading the book he had thrown. The fish smokes away.
   He provides the fish with his pipe, tobacco, and smoking jacket, which the fish accepts without looking up from its book.
   He touches his forehead. It is cold. Inside, he feels . . . dessicated. "I am dying, aren't I?" he asks the fish.
   But of course, the fish cannot speak. It reads and smokes in silence.

© 20231025



The Stick

He found a stick and decided to marry it. There was a ceremony in the woods attended by squirrels and raucous bluejays. A stately hemlock officiated: yes, he took this stick, yes, this stick took him.
   They kissed and he got a splinter.
   Some months later, the stick gave birth to thousands of tiny termites. He felt like a king. He was so elated he didn't notice that the stick was dying on the inside.

© 20231024



The Table

One of the table legs broke. He removed one of his legs and used it to fix the table.
   He removed one of the dog's legs and used it to fix himself.
   He removed one of the cat's legs and used it to fix the dog.
   He removed one of the baby's legs and used it to fix the cat.
   His wife came home and saw that everything was odd-legged. "You can explain later," she said. "Come help me unload the new table from the car."

© 20231023



He Woke Up Stuck to the Ceiling

He woke up stuck to the ceiling. His wife snored gently on the bed below.
   "Honey," he whispered, but she did not stir.
   "My lady," he said a little louder, but she did not stir.
   "Wife!" he shouted, and she woke up with a start.
   "It happened again," he said.
   She reached under the bed for the crowbar.

© 20231020



The Man with a Hole in His Middle

There was a man with a hole in his middle, large enough to hold a basketball. He would place a ball in the hole and people would ask him when his bouncing baby was due. He would push the ball out and let it bounce on the ground.
   "Congratulations!" the people would say and gladly accept the cigars he passed around.
   He would replace the ball in the hole in his middle. After a moment, he would push it back out.
   "Twins!" the people, wreathed in smoke, would say and gladly accept the cigars he passed around.

© 20231019



The Crumbling

He took a step and his foot crumbled. He hopped on the other foot and that one crumbled, too.
   His legs crumbled when he tried to stand on the stumps where his feet had been.
   He landed on his bottom and that crumbled. Then his torso collapsed and his arms shattered when he tried to break his fall.
   He was now just a head on the rubble of his old self. All that dieting, he thought, all that exercise——I should have gorged, I should have been slothful.

© 20231018



Clouds on Fire

There was a cloud on fire in the sky. There was no fire engine with a ladder tall enough to reach it.
   The fire soon spread to the other clouds. Fire began to rain down.
   "What do we do now?" the fire chief was asked.
   "We wait for the meteors to shower——hopefully that will douse the flames," said the chief.

© 20231017



The Doorknob

She tries to open the door, but the knob only turns in her hand. She twists it left and right, but nothing happens. She gives it a tug then twists it some more. Still the door won't open.
   She tugs, twists.
   "Don't stop!" says the door.

© 20231016



The Lake Boiled

The lake boiled. We all watched. Cooked fish floated. Birds swooped down. They got burned. We waited patiently. The fish cooked away. The lake boiled. Hell lay beneath. Our hunger grew. It still grows. The lake boils.

© 20231013



His New Fingers

The broccoli florets that served as his fingers had begun to brown and stink again. He kept his hands in ice to help preserve them, but it was hopeless: eventually they turned to rotten mush, and he was left without fingers once more.
   He buried his hands in pots of dirt alongside the tops of a few carrots in hopes that his new fingers would be different.

© 20231012



Father's Mounted Head

Father's mounted head, which hangs over the dining table, begins to sing one evening at dinner. We had never heard father sing prior.
   His voice isn't particularly tuneful. We encourage him, but it only gets worse.
   "Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques," he goes on. It is awful. His horrid breath fills the room and spoils supper.
   "That's enough!" mother screams.
   "But it is only in death that I have gained the courage to finally sing," says father's head.
   Mother jams an apple in his mouth.
   We open the window to let in some air and continue eating in silence. Though we are down to the last of father's meat, mother says she has a recipe for his jowls.

© 20231011



The Lever

He pulls the lever. The ceiling opens and balloons drop to the floor. He resets the lever, and the balloons float up into the ceiling, which closes again.
   He pulls the lever. The ceiling opens and chickens drop to the floor. They shit and peck about before he resets the lever, and the chickens float up into the ceiling, which closes again.
   He pulls the lever. The ceiling opens and a torrent of blood pours down. He slips in the gore; his nostrils and mouth are full of it. He begins to wretch. He resets the lever but nothing happens. He pulls the lever and another gush of blood rains down. He resets the lever but nothing happens. Perhaps it just needs another pull, he thinks.

© 20231010



Roadside Assistance

There is a car broken down on the side of the road. A monkey stares into the open hood of the vehicle. It hammers the engine with a wrench. Sparks fly.
   A man pulls over to assist. "Mind if I take a look?" he asks the monkey.
   The monkey shrugs.
   The man puts on his glasses and leans in for a better look. He holds out his hand for the wrench. "May I?" he asks the monkey.
   The monkey hands him the wrench.
   The man hammers away at the engine. Sparks fly.
   Another car pulls over to assist.

© 20231009



The Surgery

They drew an X on his shaved head and prepared the drill. Gloves and goggles were put on. The onlookers were silenced.
   Then he woke up. "Wait!" he cried. "The anaesthesia wore off!"
   "You're just dreaming," said the surgical team. They snickered.
   "You promised I wouldn't feel a thing!" he said.
   "Eventually," they said. The drill whined.

© 20231006



The Water

The water rises in his head. He begins to dribble at the mouth.
   "Nothing to be concerned about," he declares.
   His nose begins to drip, then his ears.
   "Nothing to be concerned about," he declares.
   His eyes pool and spill.
   "Nothing to be concerned about," he declares.
   He is gushing. He can no longer speak, breathe, or see.
   He mouths words but only water comes out. Perhaps there is something to be concerned about.

© 20231005



The Cedar Chest

He opened the cedar chest where he kept his heart since it had grown too big for his body. He took it out only occasionally, when he wanted to exercise or to feel love.
   His heart was missing. He moved the bedding he also stored in the cedar chest, but it was nowhere to be found. What he did find instead were mice droppings and one very fat sleeping mouse.
   He poked the mouse's belly and woke up the rodent. "You ate my heart!"
   The mouse yawned. "Was that yours?"
   "What am I going to do now?" he cried.
   "You seem to be doing fine without it," said the mouse.
   "Yes, but sometimes I need it."
   "Only sometimes, eh? We should all be so lucky."
   "Well, I hope you enjoyed it," said the man. "Can you at least tell me what it tasted like?"
   The mouse thought for a moment, rubbing its plump belly. "Beets," it said finally, then yawned and closed its eyes once more.

© 20231004



The Cat's Tail

A cat with no tail went door to door asking homeowners if they knew where its missing appendage was. No one had seen it.
   Just as the cat was about to give up hope, it encountered a man wearing its tail.
   "That's my tail!" said the cat.
   "This old thing?" said the man. "I was born with it."
   "But I can see that it's taped on!" said the cat.
   "Yes," said the man. "It falls off from time to time."
   "But if you look on its underside, you'll see my initials written on it."
   "Look at that——we share the same initials!"
   "Okay," said the cat. "I can see this is going nowhere. How much do you want for the tail?"
   "Oh, I would never sell it," said the man. "It's a part of me."
   "Twenty dollars?" asked the cat.
   "Sold!" The man removed the tail and handed it over to the cat.
   "Wait a minute, this isn't my tail after all," said the cat.
   "I tried to tell you that!" said the man, and he closed the door.

© 20231003



The Cough

He couldn't stop coughing. Out of his mouth came his lung, smoking a cigarette.
   "Are you trying to kill me?" he asked his lung.
   "I'm trying to kill myself," replied his lung before taking another puff.

© 20231002



Hearing Loss

He was having trouble hearing. He thought he might need bigger ears so he started feeding them steak.
   His ears grew huge but he still had trouble hearing.
   "Hey, Dumbo!" people called after him.
   "What did you say?" he would say.
   "Can't you hear with those things?" they would say.
   "What?!" he would cry.
   Meanwhile all he could hear was his ears clamoring for more meat, more meat, more meat.

© 20230929



The Injection

The doctor prepared his arm for the injection. "This won't hurt," said the doctor.
   The needle entered his arm. He began to deflate from the puncture.
   "Sorry!" said the doctor. "Wrong needle. This is a new experimental diet drug."

© 20230928



The Chills

The chills settle upon him. He sets himself on fire to warm up. Now he is burning up. He climbs inside the refrigerator to cool off. The chills settle upon him. He sets himself on fire to warm up.
   His wife stops as he is climbing back into the refrigerator. "Why don't you just take something?" she asks.
   "I don't like to do that to my body," he says, then climbs inside the refrigerator and closes the door.

© 20230927



The Tongue's Ablutions

His tongue installs a mirror in the back of his teeth so it can groom itself. He hears his tongue blow-drying its hair, hears it rifling through its bag of makeup, hears it gargling and brushing its own teeth.
   He grows exasperated. "Who are you primping for?" he cries.
   "Your wife!" answers his tongue.

© 20230926



The Piano

They tell the child to play the piano. The child bangs about on the keyboard. Random notes ring out.
   They tell the child it is hopeless. The child says it just needs practice. They tell the child to do it outside. The child pushes the piano outside and bangs away.
   The neighbors call the police. The police ask the child to practice inside. The child tells them he does not want to disobey its parents. The police ask the child if it would rather disobey the police?
   The child pushes the piano inside and bangs away.
   "My god!" say the child's parents. "How is it that you're still so terrible?
   "I think my fingers just need to grow a bit," says the child.
   "What are you waiting for?!" the child's parents cry.

© 20230925



The First Draft

The child was delivered to them enclosed in parentheses. There were quotation marks beside either arm and a period by its foot. An exclamation mark rose from its head like a horn. The child's umbilical cord was hooked by a comma.
   He turned to his wife and said, "Our child makes no sense."
   "It's okay," she said. "It's only the first draft."

© 20230922



The Skeleton

The skeleton of a human walks out of the forest one afternoon while they are outside enjoying the weather.
   The skeleton attempts to talk to them but all that comes out is the sound of its clacking jaw.
   They offer it a beverage. The skeleton pours the drink into its mouth and it spills through its bones onto the ground. Again the skeleton attempts to talk, but there is nothing but clacking.
   They offer it a sandwich. The skeleton chews and the sandwich falls all over. Again the skeleton attempts to talk, but there is nothing but clacking.
   They offer the skeleton pants and a shirt. It puts them on; the clothes hang loosely on its bones. Again the skeleton attempts to talk, but there is nothing but clacking.
   They whisper to one another and head inside. The skeleton looks in the window at them sitting on the sofa, their arms around one another, while the television flickers. They notice the skeleton watching them and get up and draw the shade.
   The skeleton attempts to talk to them but all that comes out is the sound of its clacking jaw. Head down, it walks back into the forest, holding up its new pants.

© 20230921



But It Is Fish

An invisibly small fish inside every raindrop that falls. The un-umbrella'd wear fish in their hair. They arrive home wet, alive with dying fish. What hell have you been through that you smell so? they are asked. They reply that the sky is raining cats and dogs. But never fish. But it is fish.

© 20230920



The Birthday Tiger

He tells his family his birthday wish: to ride a tiger.
   A tiger is gotten. He climbs onto the big cat's back. "Wish me luck!" he says. He digs his heels into the tiger's haunches. "Giddy up!"
   The tiger throws him from its back, wraps its mighty jaws around his neck, and drags him into the forest.
   His family stands around, unsure of what to do. Then his wife begins to sing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you . . . "

© 20230919



The Turtle in the Tree

A tree began to grow beneath a turtle. In the beginning, it was just a sprout, barely tall enough to lift the turtle off the ground. The turtle's family pleaded with it to get down from the tree, but the turtle ignored them.
   As the tree grew taller, the turtle began to like looking down on its family.
   "Get down from the tree!" they called, but the turtle refused.
   As the years passed and the tree grew taller and taller, the turtle's family appeared smaller and smaller down on the ground. This pleased the turtle.
   "Get down from the tree!" they called, but the turtle refused.
   Eventually, the turtle was so high off the ground it could no longer see or hear its family. Both the tree and the turtle were very old. The turtle was lonely. It wanted to descend the tree and reunite with its family, but it found that it could not climb down. Why hadn't its family ever told him that turtles could not climb trees? What good were they? And he remembered why he had been so happy to leave them behind all those years ago.

© 20230918



Weights

He begins lifting weights. They ask him why. He tells them he is too heavy and needs to lose weight. They tell him if he needs to lose weight, he could start with the ones he is lifting. He puts the weights down. He feels lighter already.

© 20230915



Tall Man, Short Man

The tall man wishes he was no longer tall. He bends at the waist so his torso is parallel to the ground.
   The short man approaches. He fastens a noose around the tall man's torso.
   "What are you doing?" asks the tall man.
   The short man slips his head into the noose. "I'd rather be dead than live this short life another day."

© 20230914



The Wind Howls

The wind howls. What has happened to the wind that makes it howl so? they wonder.
   Perhaps it stubbed its toe.
   Perhaps its spouse died.
   Perhaps it is lustful.
   The wind stops howling. What has happened to the wind that made it stop howling? they wonder.
   Perhaps the wind died.
   Truly, that is the simplest explanation.
   Oh, no, the wind has died!
   The people howl.

© 20230913



A Knife Fight Underwater

A knife fight underwater ends quickly when the first assailant fails to strike his intended target and the second assailant manages only to slice the arm of the first, which is enough to draw blood and scent the water for the sharks that rise up from the deep and eat them both.

© 20230912



A Flower Blooms

A flower blooms. It awaits death. Rain pours down. Petals are scattered.
   The flower bloomed. It wanted death. Not like this. Naked without wilting.

© 20230911



Thunder Rumbles

Thunder rumbles. He hides under the bed. There is a bear there.
   "You're scared of thunder, too, huh?" he says to the bear.
   "Not in the least," says the bear. "But I know you are, and I watch the weather report." The bear tucked a napkin under its neck, hugged the man, and bit his head off.

© 20230908



The Qualm

Dark clouds gathered outside their window.
   "The qualm before the storm," he said.
   "'Calm,' you mean," she said.
   His belly gurgled. "I was referring to the bowel movement that's about to storm out of me."

© 20230907



The Killer Rock

For many years, he had lived with the belief that it was his fate to die by having his skull crushed by a rock to the back of his head in a forest. He narrowed it down to one forest in particular, and to a specific clearing in these woods. He ventured there, carrying a sledgehammer.
   He surveyed the floor of the glade, loosing any rocks he found embedded in the soil. He inspected each one. None of the rocks he suspected to be the one that was going to kill him. He smashed them with the sledgehammer anyhow, just to be safe.
   Then he came upon it: the very rock that he had seen in visions of his demise. He sized it up, spit upon it. He hefted the sledgehammer skyward and brought it down with all his might.
   Upon his toe.
   He had missed the rock entirely. And, as it turned out, this was not the rock that would kill him; rather, it was the one he fell backwards onto after crushing his foot that did him in.

© 20230906



Hair Snakes

A hair fell from her head and slithered away like a snake. Then another hair fell and did the same. She watched as all the hair left her head and slithered outside. She followed the hair snakes to where they had gathered in a branch of the tree in the front yard. They coiled themselves, one on top of the other, into something resembling a nest. A bird inspected the nest, found it to its liking, and plopped some eggs into it. The bird flew away. The hair snakes writhed and enveloped the eggs. They left nothing behind. The hair snakes uncoiled, climbed down the tree, and resumed their place on her head. When she saw herself in the mirror, her hair had never been so shiny and soft.

© 20230905



The Birthday Wish

On its birthday, a child wished it could fly. A tornado came and sucked up the child and its family. They were scattered all over the county. Miraculously, the child survived though its family did not.
   On its next birthday, the child wished to be reunited with its family. The next morning, their corpses were gathered at the kitchen table as if awaiting breakfast. Mother's rotted jaw fell off onto her plate.
   On its next birthday, the child wished it had never been born. The child vanished.
   Meanwhile, in another part of the world, another child celebrating its birthday wished it could fly.

© 20230904



The Tombstone

There was a tombstone at the door. His name and birth year were engraved on it. The tombstone turned and glided away, and he followed it to the cemetery, where it planted itself at the head of an open grave.
   "Ah, I see," he said. "But I'm not dead yet."
   The year of his death——the current year——appeared on the tombstone.
   "Ah, I see," he said, and dropped dead, face-first, into the open grave.

© 20230901



The Hive

The hive is hidden. The bees come, go. A poison is employed. The bees are angered. They fly toward us. Sting us to death. The bees laugh, dance. Break out the honey. They grope and copulate. Come the baby bees. The hive is abandoned. We are still dead. They dine on us. And then fly away.

© 20230831



The Carpet Looks for Work

A carpet rolls into an employment agency looking for work.
   "Would you be willing to be cut into swatches for carpet samples?" the hiring manager asks.
   "I'd prefer not to," the carpet says.
   "Would you be okay concealing a dead body, then being buried for all time with said dead body?"
   "I'd prefer not to," the carpet says.
   "Is there something particular you're interested in?" asks the hiring manager.
   "I'm used to lying on the floor and being walked all over."
   "I think you want the therapist's office," says the hiring manager. "Down one floor, second door on the right."

© 20230830



The Bleeding Head

His head weeps blood. Tiny men in canoes race down the red rivulets, disappearing beneath the collar of his shirt, dropping out from the bottom of his pant legs. The cat pounces on them and feasts. He wraps a bandage around his head to stem the flow of blood. The tiny canoers protest the dam, setting up camp on the bandage and shouting obscenities. In the mirror, he watches the drama unfold on his head. Their ire stokes his ire. He feels his blood pressure rise, feels the blood pulse from his pores. His face is crimson and gluey. Now he is lightheaded. Now his vision narrows. Now his eyes are open but everything is black. He doesn't feel the floor when his head hits it soundly.

© 20230829



The Buttocks

His buttocks grow. They grow so big that he is always sitting.
   "You need to exercise," his wife says.
   "I know," he says, "but I can't even walk anymore. With this big caboose, all I can do is sit."
   "I will cut off your buttocks and make breasts of them," she says.
   "But you already have breasts," he says. "Nice ones."
   "Yes, but these would be bigger."
   "Indeed they would be."
   "So you'd like that?" she says, angrily. "Maybe you should have some breasts."
   "I don't know," he says. "I'm more of an ass man."
   "I can see that!" she cries.
   "I'm a no-good bum!" he says and weeps.

© 20230828



The Hooved Child

The child was born with hooves. When it began to walk, its parents threw it out of the house for clomping about and denting the linoleum.
   The child walked for miles and miles on its hooves, but no town would have it.
   Finally, the child went to see a doctor about having its hooves removed. The doctor refused.
   "Why shouldn't I rid myself of these hooves, which have only caused me heartache?" cried the child.
   The doctor consulted a chart and without looking up said, "It would not behoove you to do so."

© 20230825



Companionship

He drew a knife down the middle of his body, bisecting himself: he now had two bodies, each with one arm and leg and half a head.
   "Why did you do that?" they asked.
   "I longed for companionship," he replied.

© 20230824



The Egg Tree

The eggs begin to fall from the tree. Most explode on the ground. Some we catch safely in our hats and skirts. They vibrate in our hands. We place them in nests we have woven for the occasion and set them on our mantels. After a week, the lucky among us wake to find that the first fine filament of a branch has broken through the brown shell. We drop water on it to coax the life within to burst forth. We wait. Outside, the tree bends toward the window and watches expectantly.

© 20230823



The Elephant in the Room

The elephant in the room defecates in the corner. The pile of excrement is the size of an ottoman. The elephant is embarrassed and moves to the other side of the room. It defecates there, too. Ashamed, the elephant tries to squeeze through the doorway to another room of the house, but gets stuck. It raises its tail and drops another pile.
   The elephant is a terrible guest. But like a good family, we do not talk about it or even acknowledge its presence.

© 20230822



A Monkey Invents the Typewriter

A monkey invents the typewriter. It places the typewriter in a locked room with a human. After forty-four years of typing gibberish, a story results:
   A monkey invents a typewriter. It places the typewriter in a locked room with a human. After forty-four years of typing gibberish, a story results.

© 20230821



The Snake and the Hawk

A snake falls from the sky. It lands on a man mowing his lawn. A hawk swoops down to retrieve the snake, which has coiled itself around the man's arm. The hawk pecks the man bloody and rends his flesh with its talons. The frightened snake bites the man. The snake is venomous, and the man dies. The lawn mower continues on without him. The snake and hawk look at the man's body, then at each other. The snake wraps its jaws around his big toe and begins the process of swallowing him. The hawk takes his head, pecking out his eyes and eating them like grapes.

© 20230818



The Ham Man

He is not a pig but he is made of ham. He realizes this when he accidentally bites his finger while eating bacon. At first, he assumes his finger tastes like ham because he is eating bacon, but after taking a healthy chomp of his arm, he realizes it is he that tastes like ham.
   He loves ham. He cannot help eating himself. Now, he needn't even get out of bed for a midnight snack.
   He eats himself down to the bones. His friends are concerned. They tell him he needs to eat. He explains that he has been eating. They tell him he needs to eat more. He tells them there's nothing left to eat. They tell him they will make food for him——what does he want? He tells them to bring him a trough of slop so he can put some more ham on his bones.

© 20230817



The Vampire Wants Milk

The vampire wants milk. He goes to a farm under cover of night and finds a cow that has been left out in the field. It is asleep standing up. He approaches silently and sinks his fangs into the cow's udder. The cow kicks and sends him flying.
   The cow moos loudly, it's udder squirting milk from the holes left by the vampire's fangs. The vampire grabs a milk bucket to capture the warm white liquid. When it is filled, the vampire licks its lips and sinks its fangs into the tin tub to drink.

© 20230816



The Head in the Fence

There was a man with his head stuck in a fence.
   "Are you okay?" she asked him.
   "No!" he said. "My head is stuck."
   "I see that," she said. "How did that happen?"
   "I was trying to get home," he said, and pointed to the house just on the other side of the fence.
   "Why didn't you go through the gate?" she asked.
   "It's locked," he said.
   "Why not just climb over the fence?"
   "I'm afraid of heights."
   "It's not a very tall fence," she said.
   "But I'm really scared of heights," he said.
   "I can get a saw," she said.
   "Don't cut my head off!" he screamed.
   "I would never," she said. "But honestly, I'm not sure that head is serving you well."
   "You think no head would be an improvement?" he asked.
   "You wouldn't get it stuck in fences, for starters."
   "Off with my head!" he cried.

© 20230815



The Bathing Fish

There was a fish in the bathtub. It swam back and forth. He waited for it to finish bathing.
   "I need to shower," said his wife, joining him in the bathroom.
   He told her he was waiting for the fish to finish bathing.
   "Where did the fish come from?" she asked.
   "It won't say," he said.
   The fish swam back and forth in the tub.
   "When it finishes bathing," she said, "I'm cutting ahead of you for the shower."

© 20230814



Woke Up Small

He woke up small and walked through the forest of her hair. He climbed her tresses to her ear and said his name into it; the echo came back and invited him inside her head. He navigated the canal of her ear and made his way to her perfumed brain. It smelled like rose and tea. He reclined in a particularly comfortable fold of her brain and sang her a song.
   He sensed her waking, her head and body moving. He was thrown from his perch and tumbled into the warm fluid below. He surfaced and waded his way toward her eyes. He made his way out of her skull and onto her eyeball. He waved at her from the surface of her pupil.
   She yawned and rubbed the sleep, along with him, from her eyes.

© 20230811



The Shirt's Birthday

He opens the closet for a shirt. All his shirts are sleeping. He does not want to wake them up, but he needs a shirt to wear. He gently removes one from its hanger. He puts it on without managing to wake it up.
   He goes to the kitchen, where his wife is drinking coffee. He whispers for her to be quiet. "My shirt is sleeping," he says.
   "Don't you think you should have woken it up before putting it on?" she whispers back. "That seems wrong."
   "But if I did that, there is a chance my shirt would have refused to be worn," he says. "And today, I really wanted to wear this shirt."
   "What's so special about that shirt on this day?"
   "Today is this shirt's birthday, and I wanted to surprise it with a trip to the zoo."
   "Oh, how nice," she says. "But what if the monkeys fling caca at your shirt? That wouldn't make for a happy memory."
   "I hadn't thought of that," he says.
   "Are you going to change?" she asks.
   "No," he says, "but I'm going to wake up that itchy sweater I hate and put it on top of this shirt."
   "Oh, a surprise party!" she cries.
   "Shh!" he says. "You'll ruin the surprise!"

© 20230810



The Man with the Pizza

There is a man at the door with a pizza.
   "What should we do?" he asks.
   "Ask him why he's here," she says.
   He opens the window. "Why are you here?" he asks.
   "I'm just delivering a pizza," the man with the pizza says.
   "Who sent you?" she asks.
   "The man who made the pizza," says the man with the pizza.
   "There's another man?" he asks, worriedly.
   "Yes," the man with the pizza says. "There are several."
   "Oh god!" she says.
   "Listen," the man with the pizza says, "I'm busy——do you want the pizza or not?"
   "Is that a trick question?" he asks.
   "Okay," the man with the pizza says, "I'm leaving." He gets into his car, with the pizza, and drives away.
   "Thank goodness," he says.
   "That was scary," she says.
   "I'm all worked up now and strangely hungry," he says.
   "Me, too," she says. "I kinda want pizza."
   "Me, too," he says and picks up the phone.

© 20230809



The Wing

There was a bird wing on the ground. He looked around for a bird missing its wing, but saw nothing. So he picked up the wing and brought it home.
   He placed the wing in a vase with water and set it on the windowsill. The next day, the wing had begun to grow a bird. After a few more days, the bird had opened its eyes. It chirped when he approached. He took this to mean the bird wanted to eat, so he dangled a bit of worm into its open beak. The bird ate the worm greedily. He continued feeding the bird and it continued to grow.
   The bird began flying about the house. It took to nesting in his hair while he slept.
   One day, it tried flying through the window. It bounced off the glass and fell to the ground. He opened the window for it. When it had recovered it flew out of the house and never returned.
   He was lonely again. Until one day he found a woman's arm on the ground. He looked around for a woman missing her arm, but saw no one. So he picked up the arm and brought it home.

© 20230808



The Blood Jugglers

They wade in blood, standing on sharks. When it is time to juggle, they juggle, careful not to drop a ball into the blood and stir the sharks, which they keep calm by massaging their fins by toe.
   One of them drops a ball. Splash goes the blood. Chomp goes the shark. Now there is one less juggler.
   The crowd ringing the pool gasps, then applauds when the shark leaps into the air with a severed leg in its mouth.
   Someone is pushed to the front of the audience, to the pool's rim. A shark presents its back, and the new juggler walks onto it. They are given the requisite three balls. The bell rings and the juggling resumes.

© 20230807



The Gray Swan

The gray swan is shunned. It swims in circles on the far side of the pond. The white swans twine their necks together and titter. The gray swan dives under water and finds the snapping turtle. They exchange words. The snapping turtle nods its head and sharpens its beak. It swims over to the white swans and bites off their feet at the ankles. The white swans drown.
   The gray swan makes a robe of their white feathers. Resplendent, it swans about the pond with the snapping turtle carrying its white feathered train.

© 20230804



A Bag of Meat

A bag of meat wants to play. We throw the football to it; the ball hits the bag of meat and rolls away. We try double Dutch with the bag of meat, but it can't jump and we just knock it over. Hopscotch is also a failure, as are checkers, chess, and patty-cake.
   We're exasperated. "What can you play?" we ask the bag of meat.
   "Dead," says the bag of meat.
   So we all fall to the ground and play dead. The hot asphalt burns the exposed parts of our bodies. The bag of meat is unaffected.

© 20230803



Sweat

The trees sweat. So do the bricks. The dirt sweats. The birds sweat and pant like dogs. The ocean sweats, you sweat. Your sweat sweats.
   Everything sweats. When it dries it turns to salt. The salt piles become mounds, become hills, become mountains. The oceans are gone. The clouds sweat themselves dry.
   You sweat until your skin dries beneath salt. Your mouth, your eyes, your blood: dry.
   And then summer arrives.

© 20230802



The Caterpillar

The caterpillar ate a tomato. It reclined on the vine sunning its now big belly. It fell asleep.
   Along came a robin. It spied the juicy caterpillar on the tomato plant and crept closer, licking its beak. The bird flew up beside its dozing prey. It took the caterpillar in its mouth and attempted to fly away, but the caterpillar was too heavy. They fell to the ground, where the cat ate them both.
   The farmer came around, saw the missing tomato, saw the cat asleep on the ground and gave it a kick. The cat yowled and ran away. It was off to get the farmer's gun and revenge.

© 20230801



The Wild Man

The wild man screams at children in the street. He bites dogs on the leg. The wild man sets fire to his beard. He urinates on lampposts. The wild man robs a bank and dumps all the money down the drain.
   He joins a bowling league. He starts going to church. He meets a nice girl. He gets a haircut, a new suit and tie, and a job. He takes pills for his blood pressure. He exercises for one hour daily and sleeps for eight.
   One day he steps out of his office and is accosted by a wild man who attempts to bite his leg. He frees himself and tells the wild man to change his ways. He gives the wild man a ten-dollar bill and walks away, shaking his head.

© 20230731



Meat

Meat arrives by mail. They look at it. "Speak, meat," they say, but the meat does not answer. "Move, meat," they say, but the meat does not move. "Die, meat," they say. "Wait," they say. "Is this meat already dead? Or is it living like our meat?"
   They watch the meat.
   "Wait," they say. "Is our meat living?" They poke and pull at their flesh. "Move, meat," they say to their meat, but it does not move.
   "Oh dear," they say. They watch the meat. They watch their meat.

© 20230728



The Captor

An elephant is stuck in a tree. Firemen gather beneath the beast with a tarp outstretched to catch it when it falls. They don't have enough tranquilizers to sedate it, so they improvise and send a mouse up the tree to scare it down.
   The elephant isn't fazed by the mouse, however. The two creatures converse quietly. The mouse calls down to say it is now a hostage of the elephant, which has requested a case of beer and four large pizzas. The firemen get the beer and food and send it up the tree. They wait for the elephant to free the mouse, but instead the two animals start in on the beer and pizza.
   "My captor also requests a carton of cigarettes and a large television," says the mouse."
   The firemen grant the elephant its wish. The elephant and the mouse smoke and eat and drink and watch TV.
   "My captor requests shelter," says the mouse.
   The firemen build a treehouse around the elephant and the mouse.
   "My captor requests privacy," says the mouse before shutting the door of the house.
   The firemen stand around, unsure of what to do. Amorous sounds come from above.
   The door of the treehouse opens. The elephant and the mouse emerge, flushed and smoking cigarettes. "We're getting married!" says the mouse. "My captor requests we be left alone to live happily ever after."
   The firemen throw up their hands and head back to the station.

© 20230727



The Mushroom

There was a mushroom in the yard. Overnight, it grew to the size of a mature tree. The next day, it was as tall as a mountain, its cap obscured by clouds.
   They climbed it, taking small bites of the fungus for sustenance. Finally, they reached the underside of the mushroom cap. Bats flew from the depths of its ravine-like gills. They explored until they found the mushroom's black gelatinous brain. They harvested samples of it and began their descent, which took many days.
   When they arrived back on the ground, the world was overrun with mushrooms. The next day, they were the size of trees. The sky was dark. The mushroom brain had turned to dust in their buckets, and the sun had not returned.

© 20230726



The Flower Eaters

Bees dance on the teeth of the flower eaters. They drink wine and dine on the pollen-caked molars. They sting cheeks with glee and shit where they please. The young bees hide in the back of the flower eaters' mouths and make out drunkenly.
   Meanwhile the flower eaters chew the unappetizing flowers they've been reduced to eating. They want more than petals and bee meat. The cows they followed into this meadow have long since given up their flesh. They rub the bovine bones for good luck, hoping a fresh cow will magically form around the femurs and ribs. They wait for magic and chew their flowers, learn to live with the bees for now.

© 20230725



The Victor

He had a wallet containing money. They took it from him. He had clothes on his body. They took them from him. He had shoes on his feet. They took them from him. He had blood in his veins. They took it from him. They took his organs, they took his thoughts, they took his will to live.
   "What more do you want from me?" he asked.
   "Your soul," they said.
   "Ah," he said, "I sold that long before you arrived."

© 20230724



The Great Sponge

The great sponge floats overhead, desiccating the earth below. We watch the moisture rise from the soil, the water leave the vegetation, feel the sweat float away from our flesh. Our lips crack like the ground beneath our feet.
   The great sponge grows heavy in the sky, pregnant with stolen life-giving liquid. It does not want to deny us water, but it cannot help drinking what we thought was ours. The conflict brings the great sponge to tears. The deluge comes and our world floods. We're brutalized by the torrents; we drown. The dying earth is too parched to drink its fill. The deluge ends, leaving our world underwater.
   The great sponge floats overhead, smaller now, and thirsty. It drinks our water once more. It is its nature.

© 20230721



The House Opens Its Mouth

The house opens its mouth and eats the mailman. It takes all the birthday cards with money in them from the mailman's letter bag and goes to the store to buy candy. The house is too big to enter the store, so it eats it instead, including all the candy inside. It takes all the cash from the register and plans a vacation down south. The house is too big to fit onto the bus at the station, so it eats it instead. It takes all the money and credit cards from the passengers it has eaten and plots to buy a house. It buys an old house, one big enough for it to live in. The house places a welcome mat on the doorstep of its new house, which opens its mouth and eats the house.

© 20230720



The Jaws of Life

There is a bad car accident. The jaws of life are needed. They are used to open the badly crushed car door.
   "You're gonna be okay," the man operating the jaws of life says to the person inside the vehicle. The person is bleeding from the head and is dazed.
   The jaws of life began chewing the person.
   What are you doing!?" the person screams. The jaws have removed a chunk of their face and arm.
   "These are the jaws of life," the operator says. "Just relax and let them do their job."
   "You're killing me!"
   "I told you, these are the jaws of life, not the jaws of death."
   The person dies when the jaws crush their head like a grape.
   The operator steps out of the pool of blood that has gathered at his feet. He radios his superior. "We lost another one."
   "Jaws of life?" says his superior.
   "You guessed it," he says. "Looks like we'll be getting another refund."

© 20230719



A Horse Walking on Water

There was a horse walking across the lake at the edge of town. It approached us where we stood on the beach, but turned around without coming ashore. We walked to the other side of the lake, where it was heading, and it did the same thing there, turning away before we could wrangle it.
   We sent a few of us out in a boat but the horse threatened to crush them beneath its hooves. It evaded our lassos.
   It was quite the dilemma: here we had a horse that could walk on water but that we could not capture. The decision was made to tranquilize it. Erroneously, elephant tranquilizer was used and the horse collapsed heavily, sinking beneath the water. The horse was dead when we recovered it.
   "We should have tempted it with an apple," someone said.
   Yes, we all agreed, horses love apples.

© 20230718



Supervision

Around the corner comes a vomiting skull. As it rolls, the vomit sprays. Children encounter the spray and dance in it because it is hot and they lack a water sprinkler.
   "Don't play in that," their parents say halfheartedly, then go back to staring at the ground.
   Another child comes around and thinks the skull is a new type of ball and kicks it. The other children join in and kick the skull back and forth between them. Vomit flies.
   "Don't do that either," the parents say, not really caring what their children do.
   The skull bites one of the children's feet and will not let go. It begins to eat the child. The other children scream. When the skull finishes its meal, it vomits with renewed vigor.
   "We told you not to do that," say the parents, their eyes closed, faces tilted toward the sun.

© 20230717



The Cricket

A cricket's wings won't chirp. It cannot attract a mate. It takes up piano in order to make romantic music, but it is exhausting dragging the piano around. It tries playing guitar instead, but this seems to attract the wrong type of mate, ones that like to drink and smoke. It tries a violin next, but this just makes anyone who hears it maudlin. Like the guitar, drums attract hedonistic mates but these ones are even dumber. Finally, the cricket tries a tin whistle, but this only attracts a dog, which promptly swallows the cricket. As the cricket approaches the dog's stomach and its own demise, it realizes that it was rubbing its wings in the wrong direction. It chirps away, hoping for a final tryst before death. I should have stuck with the guitar, it thinks, I should have stuck with the drums.

© 20230713



Inside the Snail Shell

He crawled inside a snail shell to look for escargot. The snail inside the shell told him they were all out.
   "That's too bad," he said. "It's my wife's birthday and I wanted to surprise her with a fancy dinner."
   "Have you considered caviar?" asked the snail.
   "Good idea!" he said. "Do you know where I can get some?"
   "Just crawl inside the vagina of an egg-producing sturgeon and make your way to its ovaries."
   "Thanks!" he said and rushed out to find a sturgeon. The snail hung a CLOSED sign on its shell.
   "Hey, wait a minute!" he said, wading into the sea. "Fish don't have vaginas!"

© 20230712



To Fish in This Way

She had claws for teeth and teeth for claws. She grabbed fish from the river with the claws in her mouth and ate them with the teeth of her hands.
   One day a big fish fought back and bit off her mouth. She tried to bite it back with her hands, but the fish took those, too.
   She saw someone approach the river with a fishing rod. They reeled in the same fish that had taken her mouth and hands. They dropped the flopping fish onto the ground and clubbed it to death, then cleaned it on the shore. They cooked the fish over a campfire, ate it, and left.
   Why had no one taught her to fish in this way?

© 20230711



Fireworks

The earliest fireworks consisted of thousands of tiny people crammed into mortars. When the mortar was ignited, the tiny people were launched into the air, where they lit different colored lanterns in a perfectly choreographed sequence. They then fell to their death and the lanterns extinguished themselves.
   It was considered noble to give one's life for the amusement and admiration of the people below. None of the tiny people tasked with participating in the fireworks displays ever questioned it. They lined up to be launched into the sky, to die in an explosion of color. There is nothing to be gained by remaining on the ground, they said, to be trampled underfoot by the fat and lumbering throngs who gather slack-jawed to stare at the sky.

© 20230710



The Decision

They stand outside the building, awaiting the decision. They watch the tall oak door.
   "I think I saw it open a crack!" someone says.
   Someone else checks the door. "It remains shut."
   They watch the tall oak door.
   "It moved!" someone says.
   Someone else checks the door. "No, it remains shut."
   They watch the tall oak door. A white envelope slides out from beneath the door.
   "What does it say?" someone asks.
   Someone else opens the envelope and reads. "It says the same thing as yesterday: Tomorrow." They slide the envelope back under the door, then head home.
   The next day, they stand outside the building, awaiting the decision. They watch the tall oak door.

© 20230707



The Spider

He cannot sleep so he stares at a spider on the ceiling. He watches as it doubles in size, then triples, quadruples. The spider grows until it fills the entire ceiling and its back is pressed against its nose.
   It's a good thing I'm not afraid of spiders, he thinks, as the black mass of the spider bears down on him.

© 20230706



The Day the Earth Met the Moon

The earth frees itself from the gravitational hold of the sun and heads toward the moon. All the people on earth wonder what has gotten into their planet. They fear they will crash into the moon, but the planet stops just short of smashing into it.
   The earth kisses the moon gently.
   "How sweet," say the people of earth.
   The earth sticks its tongue in the moon's ear.
   The people of earth blush. "Oh my," they say.
   The earth rubs itself vigorously against the moon.
   "Oh dear," say the people of earth, hiding their eyes.
   When the earth is finished, it returns to its usual place in the solar system.
   The people of earth don't speak of the incident, considering it none of their business. But in a year's time, they look to the sky and see several mini-moons toddling around the big moon they've always known.
   "How sweet," they say.

© 20230705



A Fork in the Road

There was a fork in the road, but no knife. He asked the grizzled old man who was sitting in the shade beneath a tree if he had seen a knife to go along with the fork.
   The old man didn't look up from beneath his hat. "Ain't seen it yet, and I been waiting a long time." The old man spat. "Any day now, I suspect."
   He took a seat on the ground beside the old man and waited, too.

© 20230704



The Tires

A car tire rolled down the street. Another tire followed. Then another. And another.
   They walked up the street and saw a car without wheels. It was drinking a beer and watching television.
   Before they could speak, the car told them it was off the clock. "Shoes are off," it said. "Come back tomorrow."

© 20230703



The Tail

He grew a tail. The tail grew into a dog. He severed the tail where it met the small of his back, so now he just had a dog. He wasn't sure what to do with it, so he built it a house in the backyard, gave it some meat and water, and forgot about it.
   The next day, he remembered the dog when it began barking. He went outside with fresh water and meat and saw that the dog's tail had grown a baby. He separated the dog and baby, but did not know what to do with the little human. He built it a house beside the dog's house, left it a bottle of milk, and forgot about it.
   The next day, he remembered the baby when he heard it crying. He went outside with a bottle of milk and saw that the baby had grown a tail, which had grown another dog. He'd had enough of dogs and babies, so he yolked the two dogs together and tied them to a sled, into which he deposited the baby. He laded the sled with meat, water, and milk, and sent it on its way.
   He sighed, relieved. Then the small of his back began to itch. It was the budding bump of a new tail.

© 20230630



The Flaming Flower

They found a flaming flower on their walk in the woods one day. They brought it home, careful to shield the flame so that it wouldn't blow out. They got a suitable vase, placed the flower in it, and put it on the kitchen counter. When it was time for dinner, they moved it to the dining table and ate in the glow of its soft light. When it was time for bed, they used it to light their way upstairs. He kissed her goodnight and without thinking blew out the flower.
   In the dark, the temperature of the room dropped precipitously. A wind kicked up. They pulled the covers over their heads and made plans to return the once-flaming flower to the glade in the woods where they found it.

© 20230629



The Bowl of Snails

The bowl of snails is empty. He follows the trails of slime throughout the house, recovering the snails——from the closet, the ceiling fan, the toothbrush holder, the coffee maker, the pillows on the bed.
   He counts the snails: one is missing. He finds a trail he's overlooked and follows it out the front door, down the steps, and into the yard, where the trail ends in the tall green grass.
   He gets down on hands and knees to search. It's going to be a long night.

© 20230628



Graffiti

The window is broken. There is a severed finger on the floor. On the ceiling, in blood, is a drawing of an egg-shaped head with a long phallic nose dangling over a wall between two hands gripping the same wall. The words Kilroy was are inscribed beside the drawing.
   He stares at it, puzzled. "Kilroy was what?" he cries. "Kilroy was what?

© 20230627



The Angel

An angel falls to earth and is immediately devoured by the hungry scavengers that find it.
   "Have you tried the liver yet?" one of the scavengers asks.
   "Heavenly," replies another.
   "And the toes?"
   "Divine."
   "The buttocks?"
   "Out of this world," says a scavenger before burping a halo.

© 20230626



Vehicular Lunch

He eats his lunch in the car. The car is hungry, too, so it eats him. The tractor-trailer truck that is passing by is also hungry, and it eats the car. The cargo ship at the dock where the truck relieves itself is starving; it eats the truck.
   The jumbo jet flying above needs to eat. It circles the harbor then dives.

© 20230623



The Goose Pilot

There was a loud explosion outside. They ran out to find the cockpit of an airplane engulfed in flames on the ground. A goose in pilot's attire crawled from the wreckage. It was dazed but did not appear too badly hurt.
   "Are you okay?" they asked.
   "No!" the goose cried. "They'll never let me fly again after this one!"

© 20230622



The Anniversary Gift

He placed a hammer in a bag and presented it to her as a gift on their wedding anniversary.
   "What's this for?" she asked.
   "Now you'll always have a hammer handy," he said.
   "So I just carry this bag with me everywhere and I'll always have a hammer?" she said.
   "Exactly!"
   "You could have just asked me for a divorce."

© 20230621



Leaving the Nest

A bird grows to gigantic proportions but it refuses to leave the nest, which it has long outgrown. Its mother attempts to push it out but it will not budge.
   "I'm not that type of bird," the giant bird says.
   "What type of bird doesn't want to leave its nest? To experience the wider world?" its mother says.
   'Alas," says the giant bird, settling deeply onto the nest, "I was born with chicken wings."

© 20230620



The River

There is a river where there was once a road. Children drown while attempting to ride their bikes. Cars are swallowed in the swift current. There is a run on canoes. By the time everyone learns how to properly pilot the boats, the river recedes and the road returns. The bodies of the drowned and the vehicles and bicycles they left behind are removed, and the road is filled once more with riders and pedestrians.
   Then comes the rain again and the river returns. The deaths mount, the canoes are pushed back into the water.

© 20230619



A Great Poem

He was going to write a great poem. But first, breakfast. One needed protein to think clearly. Two eggs——no, three. Bacon, many slices. Sausage, too, for good measure. And some toast because one cannot live on protein alone. And doesn't a great poem warrant a little mental lubrication? A stiff Bloody Mary, yes.
   He ate and drank it all. He smiled, patted his belly, yawned, and looked at his watch: it was nine a.m. Too early for a nap. But wasn't it also too early for a great poem? The best thoughts often came just before sleep. He moved to his chair, just to close his eyes for a moment or several——not to nap!——just to put his mind in that liminal space between waking and slumber, where he did his best thinking. He yawned and waited for the great poem to percolate beneath his eyelids, any moment now . . .

© 20230616



The Flying Frog

There was a little frog flying about the house. They thought it may have come from the toilet.
   "I don't want a frog flying around us while we try to relax," he said. The television was tuned to soothing static.
   "I definitely don't want a frog that came from the toilet flying around us while we try to relax," she said. "Haven't we seen this program already?"
   He turned the station to different static.
   The frog flew back into the room and landed on top of the television. They watched its throat move. It was hypnotizing.
   "That frog's throat is a wonderful to watch," he said. "Much better than static."
   "Yes," she said. "We may have misjudged it."
   "Let's hope it stays," he said.
   "I'll lock the toilets," she said.

© 20230615



War of the Worms

A robin runs across the grass, hunting for worms. Below ground, the worms prepare an attack. They ready bayonets to thrust into the robin's beak when it comes pecking.
   The robin strikes. The worms strike back. The robin is outnumbered and captured.
   The worms put it in prison, manacled by their own wormy bodies. They interrogate the robin, ask it how it got their coordinates.
   The robin struggles to speak as the worm around its neck tightens. "I just run around and stamp my feet," the robin manages to say.
   One of the worms laughs. "You're no Sun Tzu."
   The robin belches, blows it at the worm.
   "What was that?" the worm says angrily.
   "Your mother!" says the robin.
   The worm around his neck tightens.

© 20230614



The Gargoyle

A gargoyle on the facade of a building asks a window washer if he can spell it while it grabs lunch.
   The window washer hesitantly agrees. Thirty minutes pass but the gargoyle has not returned. The window washer asks another gargoyle a few feet over if it can spell the first gargoyle so he can get on with his window washing.
   "Not a chance," says the gargoyle. "I'm on break."
   "When does your break end?"
   "One thousand years." The gargoyle spits onto the pedestrians below. "My partner will be back soon enough."
   "How long do you guys get for lunch?" he asks.
   "Two thousand years," the gargoyle answers. "But I'm sure they'll do their best to get back in five hundred."

© 20230613



The Cow Descends to Earth

The cow descends to earth, exhausted from its interstellar travels. It sleeps for days. When it finally wakes, they provide it with ample hay and water to eat and drink, which it does, ravenously. Only when it is fully satiated do they begin to inquire about its trip into outer space and what it saw and experienced there.
   The cow thinks before finally speaking. "It was like nothing I've ever——"
   "Get on with it!" someone cries. "We're starving!" Then someone else steps forward with the sledgehammer and drops the cow with one blow to the head. The butchers descend upon the beast.

© 20230612



The Open House

At the open house, they discover a room with blood-stained walls. They mention it to the realtor, who assures them it's nothing to worry about.
   "Did something bad happen in that room?" they ask.
   "Something? No." The realtor cleans a stray crumb from the kitchen counter. "Somethings? Yes. Care to see the basement?"

© 20230609



The Spot

A spot appears on his forehead. He cannot wash it off. It is unsettling.
   He visits his elderly mother to try and exchange the head she gave him. He tells her it is defective and points to the spot as evidence.
   His mother stops her rocking chair and puts down her knitting. She points to the sign on the wall behind her, which reads, No returns or exchanges.

© 20230608



The Glass

The glass is thirsty. It drinks all the beer that is poured into it. The man returns to an empty glass. He gets up for another beer.
   The glass needs to urinate. It fills itself with yellow pee.
   The man returns to a full glass. Confused, he puts aside the fresh beer he's just gotten and drinks from the glass. He makes a note to start drinking less.

© 20230607



The Allergy

He developed an allergy to pollen. It was so debilitating that he had to remain indoors. Trapped inside, he developed an allergy to dust. After that, he confined himself to a closet that he had sealed off from the rest of the house. Unable to leave the closet, he developed an allergy to himself. To defeat his new allergy, he ate a few strands of his own hair or a small bit of his own flesh each day. In this way, he managed to get over his allergy to himself.
   He ventured outside for the first time in months. He was missing clumps of hair and chunks of flesh, but the sun felt warm on his skin. He sighed. Then he sneezed. His eyes watered. Ragweed season.

© 20230606



Tire Dinner

He cooks a tire for dinner one evening. The kitchen fills with acrid black smoke. He has to evacuate. The fire department arrives and he explains what happened.
   "Don't you know you should never burn a tire?" a fireman says.
   "I was aiming for medium rare," he replies.

© 20230605



The Sound of Glass Breaking

He is startled in the night by the sound of glass breaking. He grabs the baseball bat he keeps beside the bed and prepares to confront an intruder.
   There's no sign of forced entry. But on the kitchen floor he sees a broken glass that must have fallen from the counter where it had been left to dry. The cat looks up at him curiously as he sweeps up the broken glass. He curses the cat.
   He gets back into bed. A stranger dressed in black emerges from beneath the covers next to him and places a gun to his head. "The cat let me in," says the intruder. "Don't mind me——I'll be on my way shortly."
   He reaches beneath his pillow for his gun.
   "Looking for this?" the intruder says, waving the gun. "The cat let me know about that."
   He curses the cat.

© 20230602



The Withering

A week had passed since his hand had withered. Now his other hand was growing smaller and weaker; the fingers curled and yellowed like dying leaves. The doctors could find nothing wrong with him. They told him to adjust to life without hands, told him about all the wonderful things they can do with prosthetics these days.
   Would he still be able to play guitar?
   The doctors laughed at that. Wonderful, they reminded him, not miraculous.
   Then his feet withered so he prepared himself for a footless existence, too.
   Then his arms and legs gradually disappeared, along with his penis and torso.
   The doctors told him to adjust to life as a head.
   "I've never been ahead in my life," he said. Already he could feel his tongue shriveling inside his mouth.

© 20230601



The Vertigo

The vertigo returned. The doctor peered into his ear, then stuck his finger deep inside it.
   The spinning ceased. His nausea abated. He wanted to kiss the doctor. "What did you do?"
   "I stopped the merry-go-round," the doctor said.
   "There's a merry-go-round in my head?"
   "Sure. And monkey bars, a swing, a slide——a whole playground."
   "No wonder I can never get anything done," he said.
   And then the vertigo returned.

© 20230531



The Family on His Back

There was a family living on his back, in a camp on the small of it. He could smell their small fire burning, their baked beans warming. Whenever they thought he was preoccupied, which was often, one of them, usually the man or the woman, would make an expedition up the mountain range of his spine and attempt to claim his head as their own. One day, the man even got so far as to begin clearing the forest of hair at his nape.
   But then he'd bat them away. They returned to their camp, tended their fire, ate their beans.
   Then the child was sent to stake their claim. Because the child was almost imperceptibly tiny, he did not feel it climbing his back or making its way through the hairy thicket of his head. The child entered the man's ear and traveled to his brain. Once inside the safety of his skull, the child lit a fire on his cerebral cortex. The smoke distracted the man, fogging his thoughts, filling his head. The child's family soon joined it. They had a celebratory dinner that night: pork in their beans.
   The man's eyes watered. Was he crying? He felt the small of his back: the family was gone. His eyes stung. He was crying——but was it sadness at the family's absence or happiness for the same that made the tears fall?

© 20230530



The Last Dodo

He made two wings out of bird feathers he'd collected. He attached them to his arms and climbed the tallest tree in the neighborhood.
   The neighbors called up to him. "They won't work!"
   "What won't work?" he asked.
   "Those wings!" they said.
   "Sure they work," he said, and flapped his arms to illustrate.
   "But you won't be able to fly!" they said.
   "Watch me!" He leaped and plunged to his death.
   The neighbors gathered around his body. "The last dodo has died," they said.

© 20230529



The Performer

The concert ends. The crowd cheers for an encore, but the performer refuses to come back out. The crowd takes the stage, then goes to the room in the back where the performer is relaxing.
   They demand another song. The performer says he has nothing left to give. The crowd tugs at him, but he refuses to move.
   Someone grabs hold of his arm and rips it off. Then the other arm is removed along with his legs. The performer is decapitated.
   The crowd collects the performer's body parts and reassemble them on the stage. They place a guitar in the performer's hands, and someone works them like a puppet. Someone else moves his jaw and begins to sing one of the performer's best-known songs.
   The crowd sings along. When the song ends, they bring the performer's parts back to the green room. The crowd cheers for an encore.

© 20230526



Snake Night

He placed the bowl of snakes on the table, gave them a toss so they were evenly covered with tomato sauce, and announced that dinner was served.
   "I love snake night," his wife said.
   "Me, too! Me, too!" said the child.
   They tucked their napkins into their shirts, and he began to serve. The snakes squirmed all over their plates and on their forks and in their mouths and onto their laps and the floor. The sound of chewing and hissing filled the dining room.
   He took another healthy bite but stopped chewing after a moment. He spit the half-chewed snake onto his plate and slammed down his fork. "Who are we kidding?" he cried. "These are well past al dente."
   "I didn't want to say anything," his wife said.
   "I want Chinese food!" the child wailed.
   "Good idea," he said. He got on the phone to the Chinese restaurant. "Yes, we'll have an order of snake lo mein," he began.

© 20230525



The City Beneath the Log

He turned over a log, beneath which was a teeming miniature city, with tall——relatively speaking——buildings, honking automobiles, and tiny people hustling about.
   He could kill them all. He raised his godlike foot. But he was a benevolent overlord. He put his foot down.
   He felt insects crawling up his legs, his abdomen, his chest. Thousands of them. Hundreds of thousands of them. And they were biting. They overtook his face: he saw them now, not insects but the denizens of the bustling metropolis he'd discovered. They carried knives, guns, pitchforks, and swords. Swords!
   They marched into his nose and ears, and soon he fell like a dead tree.

© 20230524



The Giant

A giant accidentally put his foot down on their house. They escaped being crushed, but their house was demolished.
   They climbed onto the toe of his giant boot and screamed, "Why don't you watch where you're going?!"
   "I'm sorry," the giant bellowed. "My head is in the clouds."

© 20230523



The Clown Murderer

A clown murdered another clown. Stomped him to death with his floppy clown shoes.
   "Why did you do it?" the arresting police officer asked the clown as he placed handcuffs on his wrists.
   "He wouldn't stop laughing at me!" screamed the clown.

© 20230522



The Ant Queen's Castle

A line of ants crawls into one of his nostrils and out the other. He can hear them working on something in his brain.
   He pulls one of the ants aside and asks what they are up to inside his head.
   The ant tells him they are building a castle for their queen.
   He asks the ant if they pulled the proper permits.
   The ant throws up its hands. "I just work here," it says before falling back into line.
   Construction of the castle continues.

© 20230519



The Tree Branch

A tree branch hangs over the fence. He cuts off the branch. The next day it has grown back along with another branch.
   He cuts off both branches. The next day they've grown back along with a third branch.
   He sets the tree on fire. It burns to the ground.
   The next day there are two trees, abundantly branched, and aflame. His fence catches fire, and the fire spreads to his house. He watches the fence and his house burn to the ground.

© 20230518



The Bullfight

The child was woken up and told it was time to fight the bull. The child didn't want to fight the bull. Nevertheless, the child was dressed, given a red cape and a sword, and pushed into the ring.
   The child looked around the stands: they were empty.
   "Where is the audience?" the child asked. "Wouldn't it be better with a cheering crowd?"
   "They don't have the stomach to watch another child get gored and trampled to death," they said. Then the gate was opened and out charged the bull.

© 20230517



The Pianist, the Baker

He wants to learn how to play the piano. But any time he sits down to play, he cannot help eating the keys. They feel so nice beneath his fingers, and they are as shiny as a freshly frosted dessert.
   After eating all the keys, he gives up his dream of learning how to play the piano. Now he thinks he wants to be a baker. But any time he goes into the kitchen, he cannot resist banging out a tune on the pots and pans.

© 20230516



Our Bone Homes

Bones fall from the sky, femurs mainly. They stack nicely, like logs, so, after they've stopped falling from the sky, we make homes of them.
   Sheets of skin float down from the sky. We stretch these over the tops of our bone homes and they become roofs.
   With the teeth that fall, we tile our new homes. With the hair that drifts down, we insulate the walls.
   It rains blood, a deluge that last days. We stay inside our bone homes and watch it fall. The people on the television speculate as to what might fall next. Organs, excrement, and muscle are all posited.
   Not one of us expected boulders the size of buses, however.

© 20230515



The Grapes

He is asked to bring home grapes. He does.
   "These grapes are all little human heads," she says.
   "Yes," he says, "but they are hairless and seedless."
   "Why didn't you get regular grapes?" she asks. "I can't eat these."
   "These were on sale," he says. "And of course you can." He pops one into his mouth and chews. "See?" he says, smiling. His teeth are flecked with flesh and blood.
   "How do they taste?"
   "Like human heads, I imagine."
   "So like chicken, then," she says.
   "How would you know?" he asks, alarmed. "You're a vegetarian."
   "And prior to that I was a cannibal."

© 20230512



The Spider Woman

She crawls up the wall like a spider. She moves onto the ceiling and takes in the view of the room from this new vantage point. Her husband lies dead in bed, but he's only freshly dead so he looks to be peacefully sleeping. She begins to weep knowing they will never be together again.
   Her tears fall in strands, like spider silk.
   She cries and cries, wrapping her deceased husband in a cocoon of her own making until he resembles a mummy. She drags him up to the ceiling with her and settles beside him. She is tired. She turns off the lights and goes to sleep.

© 20230511



The Sliced Finger

He accidentally sliced his finger, which began to bleed. He showed the wound to his wife. "I'm dying," he said.
   "I think you'll be fine," she said, without looking at his finger.
   "I'm bleeding out," he said.
   "Join the club," she said.
   "I need help!"
   "Do you have cramps? A headache? Nausea? Diarrhea?"
   "No," he said.
   "The bandages are in the bathroom," she said.

© 20230510



The Allergy War

The trees sneeze pollen. The bees catch it in buckets and make honey out of it in their labs. When the moment is right, we attack the bee laboratories with assault weapons drawn. We take the honey and slaughter any bees that get in our way. We bring the honey back to our loved ones, who stir it into steaming pots of tea, which we drink to soothe our allergy-plagued throats. The steam helps loosen our clogged sinuses. We begin to think more clearly. We smell the gunsmoke and oil on our clothes, feel the bee guts on our fingers. Guilt settles upon us. It is cruel, war, and we are made cruel so that we may wage it.

© 20230509



The Dripping Eyes

His eyes drip down his face, leaving behind empty sockets. He fumbles about in the refrigerator and places two eggs in the holes where his eyes had been. He draws black dots in what he presumes to be their middle.
   His wife comes home to him staring at her with wide eyes. She gives her hair a toss. The new haircut is a success.

© 20230508



The Dishwasher

He went to empty the dishwasher but all the dishes were gone. He looked everywhere but he could not find them. The same thing happened the following week. Soon they were without dishes or silverware with which to eat. His wife asked where everything went and he explained that the dishwasher had eaten it all.
   "You could have washed them by hand!" she said.
   "But I haven't washed my hands since I shook the president's hand that one time," he said.
   "But that was almost ten years ago!"
   "Yet it seems like yesterday." He grabbed his jacket and headed out.
   "Where are you going?" she asked.
   "To buy some paper plates and plastic silverware," he said. "Something we should have done a long time ago!"

© 20230505



A Tree Fell

A tree fell in the forest. No one heard or even noticed the tree. Which is why the tree attempted to kill itself in the first place.

© 20230504



The Birdhouse

He explored the birdhouse when the bird had flown away for the day. It was sparsely furnished. There was a simple chair with a table beside it on which rested a copy of yesterday's newspaper. There was a tiny television and a loveseat, only one side of which showed any wear. The kitchen nook was tidy: a dish, coffee cup, and one setting of silverware neatly arranged on a towel to dry. The bedroom had only a small dresser, a crisply-made bed, and a nightstand.
   He couldn't help opening the nightstand. He pulled out the drawer; inside was a tiny revolver. It contained only one bullet. Beside the gun was a pencil and a notepad on nearly every page of which were a series of tallies——four vertical lines crossed through with a fifth. It made him think of a prisoner marking the days till their release. Or death. It chilled and saddened him.
   He closed the nightstand. He left the birdhouse and never returned.

© 20230503



The Troll

He fell into a well. The troll that lived at the bottom of it asked if he could mind its post for a few minutes while it grabbed lunch.
   "Sure thing," he said. "What's for lunch?"
   "You," said the troll before tearing off the man's legs and devouring them.

© 20230502



The New Brain

He took delivery of his new brain, which came in a box filled with ice. After he inserted the new brain into his skull, he viewed the world through a baby's eyes: everything was gauzy. He mistook his wife for his mother and attempted to suckle milk from her breasts.
   "Not now," she said. "I have a headache."
   He began crying.
   "What is wrong with you?" she asked.
   He babbled and blubbered. Then he filled his pants with excrement.
   "I'm going out," she said, exasperated.
   He watched her fuzzy likeness disappear from view, from the world. She was never coming back. He bawled.

© 20230501



The Cabbie

There is a taxicab idling in front of the house. He hadn't called for a ride. He goes outside to investigate. The cabbie is sleeping behind the wheel. He wakes the cabbie up and asks if they need help.
   "I'm all right," the cabbie says. "Just sleeping off a drunk."
   "Are you on duty?" he asks, alarmed.
   "Yes, sir," says the cabbie. "Do you need a ride somewhere?" He flips on the meter.
   "Absolutely not," he says. "Can you shut off the vehicle?"
   "Absolutely not. A cabdriver never shuts off his vehicle."
   The man turns to head inside. "I'm calling you a cab," he says.
   He dials the number for the cab company. The dispatcher says he'll send a driver out immediately.
   Outside, the cabbie is beeping his horn.
   He goes back out. "Everything okay?" he asks the driver.
   "My dispatcher just called," the cabbie says. "I'm here to pick up a fare."

© 20230428



The Missing Penis

He woke up and his penis was missing. Worse, he really had to urinate. He looked under the bed, behind the nightstand, in the laundry hamper, but his penis was not there. He turned the house over looking for it to no avail.
   Now he could barely walk he had to urinate so badly.
   He called the police to report his missing penis. They asked if he was sure he had it before. He assured them he had the same penis for as long as he could remember.
   "Did you regularly . . . abuse your penis?" the police officer on the phone asked.
   "How so?" he asked.
   "You know," said the officer.
   "I don't see how that has any bearing on the situation," he said.
   "Maybe your penis felt unsafe and ran away," the officer said.
   He hung up the phone. He never had to pee so badly in his life. "Forgive me!" he screamed to his missing penis. "Please forgive me!"

© 20230427



The Reverse Metamorphosis

His fingers retreat into his hands, his toes into his feet. Then his hands retreat into his arms and his feet into his legs. Then his legs retreat into his torso as do his arms.
   His head retreats into his neck, his neck into his body.
   What is left of him falls to the ground, writhing. In a moment, it has regained its bearings, and inches away like a maggot.

© 20230426



The Next Face

He wiped off his mouth with a napkin. Then he wiped his nose. Last, he wiped his eyes.
   When his wife came in and saw him faceless, she screamed.
   He held up the napkin, where his face was collected. "Don't worry," the napkin said, via his mouth. "I'll use permanent ink for my next face."

© 20230425



The New Chicken

In the yard, he buries the bones of the chicken they ate. He waters it daily and watches the soil. Weeks pass before the tip of a beak sprouts from the earth. In a few days, the hairless head of a young chicken is aboveground. He waters and tends to the new chicken. It continues to grow.
   Meanwhile, he and his wife continue to wither away for lack of chicken to eat. They pray that the crop will bear out, but it is still just a meager bird.
   "It won't be long before our plates are full once more," he tells his wife. But in his mind, this is no certainty.

© 20230424



His Shy Hand

He began to dress for the day. His hand refused to emerge from his shirt sleeve.
   "Come on, now," he said. "We need to be out the door soon."
   His hand wouldn't budge.
   "What is it you require?" he asked. "A piece of toast to hold? A cigarette to squeeze? A steering wheel to grip? I'll give you all that if you only come out finally."
   His hand wouldn't budge.
   "A massage? A drink? A vacation?" he asked.
   His hand wouldn't budge.
   Eventually he determined his hand was being modest: it did not want to emerge naked, so he gave it a glove to slide into. It was summer, hot. His coworkers didn't understand why he needed to wear a glove.
   "My right hand is shy," he said. And with that, his coworkers left him alone, which made him happy, even if his hand was hot.

© 20230421



It Was Hot

It was hot. He was overdressed. He removed some clothes.
   It was cold. He was underdressed. He put on some clothes.
   It was hot. He removed some clothes.
   It was cold. He put on some clothes.
   His wife asked him what he was doing, putting on clothes and removing them. He was trying to get comfortable, he explained. She told him he should get into bed, in that case. He thought it was a good idea. He pulled the covers up to his chin.    It was hot. He threw off the covers.
   It was cold. He pulled the covers up to his chin.

© 20230420



The Captain

The captain arrives. We know he is the captain because he announces himself as such.
   "The captain of what?" we ask.
   "The S.S. None of Your Business," he replies. "Where's the bar?"
   We point him toward it.
   "There's no rum," he says.
   "Maybe you have some back on your boat——what was it called?"
   "None of Your Business," he says.
   "Sorry for asking!"
   "There's no rum on the ship. That's why the admiral sent me here. The bastard is always drunk."
   "Mutiny with us," we say.
   "Really?" the captain asks.
   "You bet," we say. "First, if you don't mind, would you swab the deck in the bathroom? One of our guests just got sick."
   "I think I better ship out," the captain replies.
   "Bon voyage!"

© 20230419



The Pumpkin

The pumpkin on which they had carved a face began to speak one evening.
   "Why am I here?" it asked.
   "It's a tradition at this time of year to leave a pumpkin on your doorstep," they said.
   "Why am I empty inside?" it asked.
   "It's a tradition to remove your guts before placing you on the doorstep," they said.
   "Why did you give me eyes to see and a mouth to speak?" the pumpkin cried.
   "Tradition," they said. Feeling guilty, they left the pumpkin and went inside. They didn't tell it that it was also tradition for pumpkins to be brutally kicked and smashed to death by mischievous children.

© 20230418



Born Hooved

He was born hooved. Shoes were a problem.
   A doctor suggested a foot transplant. "But I have to warn you," the doctor said. "The waiting list is a million feet long."

© 20230417



The Phone Call

The phone rang. He answered it. It was the cat. It had gotten arrested again. He asked the cat what it had done this time. The cat said it had stolen a fish from the market. Didn't the cat get enough fish at home?
   "Yes," said the cat, "but it tastes so much better when stolen."

© 20230414



The Wall's Problem

A part of the stone wall fell. He rebuilt it. The next morning the wall had fallen again, so again he rebuilt it. But the next morning the wall had fallen once more.
   "Do you have a problem?" he asked the wall.
   "Yes," said the wall. "I'm trying to go on vacation but you keep making me go back to work!"

© 20230413



Pushing a Rope

He was trying to push a rope up a tree.
   "Why don't you just throw it up to where you want it to go?" they asked.
   "That's no way to seduce a tree," he replied.

© 20230412



A Cannibalistic Flying Sandwich

A sandwich with wings flies into the kitchen through an open window and lands on the table. It pecks at the crumbs left behind from the sandwich he just finished eating.
   A cannibalistic flying sandwich. Though he is full, he cannot resist the opportunity to eat such an exotic lunch. He quickly devours it.
   A much bigger sandwich with wings flies into the kitchen through the open window. It's stomach is growling audibly, and it has large yellow fangs. It quickly sizes him up then attacks.

© 20230411



Growing Hammers in the Garden

He's growing hammers in the garden. He's tired of having to go to the store every time he breaks a hammer over his head, and wants to breed a new variety that is harder than his skull. The ringing in between his ears never ceases; he opens his mouth and clears his nose to let the ringing out, but it remains trapped, hence the hammers.
   But the groundhog has other ideas: it eats the immature hammers under cover of night, while he lies in bed with a screaming head, dreaming of harder hammers.

© 20230410



There Is Clover to Roll In

There is clover to roll in. They roll. But wait: their skin itches. It isn't clover at all but some mildly poisonous plant.
   There is clean water to wade in to ease their rashes. They wade. But wait: their flesh burns. It isn't clean water at all but rather toxic.
   There is mud to cool their burns. They slather. But wait: it hardens and entombs them where they stand. It isn't mud at all but cement.
   Yet they are finally at peace.

© 20230407



The Wherewolves

The wherewolf is nowhere to be found. But the nowherewolf is everywhere. And the elsewherewolf is where it always is. The somewherewolf wishes it were here. And the anywherewolf wants wherever the wherewolf has disappeared to.

© 20230406



The Breakout

His armpit was so itchy that he scratched a hole through it. The ordeal left him exhausted, and he collapsed onto his bed and fell into a deep sleep.
   His organs used this opportunity to escape. First his heart squeezed through the hole in his armpit, with his lungs following right behind. Out leapt his liver, his stomach and kidneys, his gonads and bowels. His brain——the brains behind the breakout——waited till all its accomplices had escaped before doing the same.
   When he woke up, the bed sheets were wet with blood and he felt lightheaded. He felt empty. He felt confused.
   He felt the hole in his armpit, felt no itching. He felt elated, wonderful.

© 20230405



Ant Heaven

An ant died and went to ant heaven, which consisted of a cone of melting ice cream that had been dropped on the sidewalk.
   "Can you believe our good luck?" the ant said to a fellow dead ant. "Proof that industry and toil are rewarded in the next life!"
   "Don't get too excited," the other ant said. "It's frozen yogurt."

© 20230404



The Bitten Tongue

He accidentally bites his tongue. Then he accidentally bites his inner cheek. Then he accidentally bites his lips. Then he accidentally eats his tongue. Then he accidentally eats his inner cheek. Then he accidentally eats his lips.
   He figures, why stop there? And proceeds to eat his whole head.
   While his head is digesting in his stomach, he notices a bleeding tumor and another bleeding tumor and yet another. It doesn't look good. He vows to see his doctor once his head exits his body.

© 20230403



The Air Left His Body

He felt the air leaving his body. It squealed as it passed his lips, like the air leaving a balloon. He began to deflate at the table as he attempted to eat breakfast.
   "Are you feeling okay?" his wife asked.
   "A little lightheaded," he squeaked. "A little light-everythinged, actually."
   "What can I do?" she asked.
   "Inflate me again," he squeaked.
   She got the bicycle tire pump from the garage, inserted the nozzle into his anus, and began inflating him. "Make sure you plug your nose and keep your mouth shut," she said.
   "Thank you," he said when she finished. But again he felt the air leaving his body. It squealed as it passed his lips. "Oh dear," he squeaked.

© 20230331



Cravings

He craves a large piece of meat. He throws himself on the grill. He smells terrible and feels worse. But he thinks that maybe his mouth knows what his nose does not. So when he’s properly cooked, he removes himself from the grill and bites into his forearm. He tastes like charred wood.
   What he needs is a little fat marbling his meat. He craves carbohydrates, piles of pasta, and heads to the cupboard.

© 20230330



The Hairy Heap

He decides to stop shaving and cutting his hair. He feels free. His hair, which has always grown fast, appears to enjoy its freedom, too, and begins to grow even faster. Soon, he is just a mound of hair that occupies a chair in the living room. He can no longer see anything due to the hair obscuring his eyes. The cat mounts him all day long, but he is only vaguely aware, so thick is the hair that covers his entire body.
   The cat invites all its friends over to have a go at his hair. A feline orgy ensues. Soon he is a nest for a multitude of mewling kittens that knead and suckle him.
   A raccoon comes down the chimney in search of food. It has its fill from the refrigerator. Satiated and feeling randy, it waddles over to the hairy heap in the chair and licks its lips.

© 20230329



Brave

He woke up feeling brave. So brave that he got out of bed.
   "Today, I am brave," he told his family gathered at the table for breakfast. "I feel so brave that I will eat something I have never eaten before."
   "Shit?" his child said.
   "If that is what brave people eat, then that is what I will eat."
   The child went and found one of the dog's turds in the yard, dropped it onto father's plate.
   "This isn't even warm," he said. "I'm brave but not so brave that I can eat a cold breakfast."
   The child took the plate outside and followed the dog's behind around the yard.
   "Are you sure it's brave you feel this morning?" his wife asked. "Not stupid?"
   "I've never felt more brave in my life," he said. "Or hungry." He tucked his napkin into his shirt and banged his silverware on the table in anticipation.

© 20230328



A Fortunate Turn of Events

A dog had eaten its owner after he died. Everyone assumed that the dog waited as long as it could before hunger overtook the animal and its survival instincts made it eat the very person who used to feed it. No autopsy could be performed on what was left of the man, which was only a moustache and some teeth.
   This was a fortunate turn of events for the dog as it had murdered the man in cold blood for the thrill of eating the flesh of its human master. In another fortunate turn of events, the dog was due to be euthanized but a rich man who lived in a very large house appeared and adopted it.

© 20230327



The Head on the Coin

The head on the coin was saying something. He brought it to his ear to hear.
   "I will give you all the money in the world if you can free me from this metal tomb," said the coin.
   He brought the coin to a witch to see if she could help free the head. She inspected the coin, then promptly plopped it into her mouth and swallowed it.
   "My coin!" he screamed. "I was promised all the money in the world!"
   She raised her wand and zapped him where he stood, turning him into a coin just like the one she had swallowed.
   "A coin is not all the money in the world," he said in a small, tinny voice from within the metal tomb of the coin.
   "In my world, all money is but a trifle," the witch said. Then she plopped the coin him into her mouth and swallowed.

© 20230324



The Fly That Wouldn't Fly

There was a fly that wouldn't fly. It preferred to stay on the ground. Its friends and family told it that the ground was dangerous——there were birds and frogs that wanted to eat it, humans that wanted to swat it.
   The fly explained that it was afraid of heights.
   They told the fly there was nothing to fear in flying.
   The fly explained that it feared the freedom of flight.
   Do you not fear death? they asked.
   "Of course not," said the fly. "We're flies: we'll all be dead soon enough."
   Everyone turned inward, in silence.

© 20230323



Wisdom

He approaches the owl in search of wisdom. The owl tells him to eat only brown mice. He tells the owl he doesn't eat any mice.
   Says the owl, "I see now why you came to me in search of wisdom."

© 20230322



Peekaboo

He was entertaining the baby with a game of peekaboo, covering his face with his hands and revealing it, much to the baby's joy. But then he covered his face and when he moved his hands away, his face was gone.
   The baby screamed.
   "What did you do to my face?!" he screamed at the baby.
   The baby cried.
   "All you do is eat," he cried. "Tell me, did you eat my face?"
   The baby yelled.
   "Why are you yelling?" he yelled. "I'm the one without a face!" He threw up his hands. It was then he noticed his face had been stuck to them.
   The baby laughed.
   He laughed, too, as he reapplied his face. "Okay, where were we?" he said. "Ah, yes: peekaboo!"

© 20230321



Sculptures of Dirt

Worms cast themselves: sculptures of dirt. Robin's scamper gaily to eat their dessert. Woman in window, whose only heart hurts for the memory of husband who lies in the dirt.

© 20230320



Something Happens

Cuts hand. Bleeds orange. Determines rust. Opens veins. Rust confirmed. Scrapes rust. Veins flush. Bleeds red.
   Cuts hand. Bleeds nothing. Determines empty. Opens veins. Emptiness confirmed. Scrapes veins. Nothing happens. Scrapes veins. Nothing happens. Feels good. Something happens.

© 20230317



The Matchmaker

His head was on fire and so was hers. It was love at first sight.
   "You're hot," he said.
   "So are you," she said.
   The matchmaker had done a wonderful job.

© 20230316



Inside the Bird

Inside the bird is the fish it ate. Inside the fish is the worm it ate. Inside the worm is the dirt it ate. Inside the dirt is a human that died. Inside the human was a bird it ate. Inside the bird was the fish it ate. Inside the fish was the worm it ate. Inside the worm was the dirt it ate. Inside the dirt was the human that lived.

© 20230315



The Moon Kills the Sun

The moon kills the sun in a fit of rage because the sun had eaten the last orange. The moon, deficient in vitamin C, claimed temporary insanity.
   Meanwhile, below, the earth dies for lack of the sun. It grows ever smaller and colder until it is no bigger than a rock one might throw through a window.
   Meanwhile, above, the moon dies of scurvy.
   Meanwhile, the rock-sized earth drifts through space, eventually landing on another distant planet. A creature encounters it and, mistaking it for an egg, rolls it into a hollow in the ground and nests on it. Warmth seeps into the dead earth, triggering the beginnings of new life. A first blade of grass sprouts.

© 20230314



The Cellar Monster

The cellar door was open, and the cellar monster was missing. They checked in the attic to see if it was there. The attic monster, a cobwebby pile of Christmas ornaments, old golf clubs, pink fiberglass insulation, and faded photo albums woke from its slumber to tell them that the cellar monster had not come around.
   They searched in the woods, but the only thing there was the forest monster. They held their noses as they stood before the brown-furred, yellow-toothed, hunched figure with a thousand bristling limbs of sticks. It, too, had not seen the cellar monster.
   They checked under the bed and the dust-snake shook its long-haired head and hissed at them.
   It was then that they heard the bathroom tub draining. They found the cellar monster towelling off. Its willowy body was as pink as a newborn's where it was typically covered in gray slime. It ran its claws through the tentacles that dangled from its head; they danced between its fingers.
   "Excuse us——" they said.
   The cellar monster screamed and collapsed from fright. They rushed to its aid but its body was already stiffening. Who knew monsters died so decisively, that they so quickly passed from life to rigor mortis? Rather than try to hire a new cellar monster, with all the rigmarole that process entailed, they decided to sell the house. They dragged the cellar monster back to its lair and buried it under a pile of old paint cans and drop cloths.

© 20230313



The Concrete Head

The concrete head was cracked. Its brain slurry seeped out. We pushed the crack in, and peered into the a hole. We saw its dreams of when it was sentient: a mother hanging clothes on a line, green onions in the grass brushing her legs; a young child sitting in a mud-filled hole in the ground, happy; a tennis ball bouncing against a red brick wall; a lit matchbook dropped onto a pile of dry leaves in the forest; a head being shorn then covered in concrete.
   We had seen enough. We patched the hole in the concrete head with its own brain slurry. Then we buried it in the yard.

© 20230310



A Puny Poodle

A puny poodle was drowning in a puddle and someone pulled it out with a paddle. Why had the puppy been put out to possibly die? The pastor pondered over his morning pastry. The parent of the pooch approached looking pitiful. Please let my furry pal survive, he pleaded in his mind. If it pulls through, it can piddle in the house anywhere it pleases.
   The poodle came to and playfully pumped against the pastor's pleated pants.
   "Amen!" cried the dog's proud parent.

© 20230309



The Candle

It was a candle that set the house on fire. The candle was tired of having its head set alight and becoming melted and disfigured day after day. It waited until everyone was gone from the house, then headed to the attic which was very dry and filled with flammable things. It intended to burn its tormentors alive.
   The candle enjoyed a cigarette then left it in a box of rags that it had soaked with gasoline. A fireball shot up and rolled up into the attic's apex. The box and the others surrounding it were quickly engulfed in flames.
   The candle squeezed through the soffit vent and fell out the other side, unaware that directly below the owners of the house were gathered with friends around a firepit, enjoying cocktails and conversion. They were laughing at a joke someone had told when the candle fell directly into the flames without anyone noticing.

© 20230308



Weak

He was too weak to stand. He lay down on the floor. When they arrived, they asked him if he was all right. He told them he was fine, he was just too weak to stand. They told him it didn't sound like he was fine. He watched a spider crawl on the ceiling.
   "It's okay, really," he said. "I never liked standing anyway. And there's a spider on the ceiling to keep me company."
   They insisted on calling a doctor.
   He reminded them he was a doctor. "It is my expert opinion that the weakness I'm experiencing is essential; that is, there's no clear explanation for it nor any clear cure. I've resigned myself to living a horizontal life, with only ceiling spiders for my friends."
   "So you're saying we no longer need to be your friends?" they asked.
   "Not exactly——" he began, but they were already out the door. Worse, the spider was gone, too.

© 20230307



The Limbs

He loses control of his limbs. He tells them to stay near but they wander outside and start fires in the woods. He gives them a curfew, which they ignore. Eventually, they are corralled by the police and brought home. He is chastised by the officers who struggle with the sack containing his flailing arms and legs.
   "You need to get them under control," the police say. "Otherwise they'll end up in jail." The officer holding the sack throws it into the house and his limbs spill out and scurry to their rooms like cockroaches.
   "Thank you, officers," he says before closing the door with his head. He rolls toward the sofa, underneath which he has hidden a bottle of vodka. He hears his limbs slamming things about upstairs, hears loud heavy metal music blaring. He uncorks the bottle with his teeth and drinks deeply. When he passes out, his limbs pilfer his bottle, empty his wallet of cash, and head out into the night.

© 20230306



The Oven That Ate Everything

The oven eats everything that is placed within it for cooking. Casseroles, turkeys, roasts——all are devoured. They stop giving it things to cook, but it whines to be fed until they relent and give it a ham or brussels sprouts.    The oven begins to put on weight. It grows so large that it fills the entire kitchen.
   They are forced outside, where they attempt to cook on the charcoal grill. But the grill refuses to cook anything; it spits out whatever they give it. Perhaps it needs something more bland, they think. Or perhaps something sweet. Applesauce, they think, or perhaps peanut butter.
   Meanwhile the oven whines to be fed.

© 20230303



The Blank Letter

A letter addressed to them arrives in the mail. There is no return address. They open the envelope: inside is a blank piece of paper. They place it on the table between them.
   "Maybe the words of the letter just need time to grow so they can reveal themselves," he says.
   "Or maybe the words of the letter died and are gone forever," she says.
   "Maybe we need to build a nursery for it," he says.
   "Or maybe we need to take it to the cemetery," she says.
   Through the open window, a breeze from outside stirs the curtains and flips the letter over. "There are the words!" they shout in unison.
   She picks up the paper and reads.
   "What does it say?" he asks.
   "The bank is going to foreclose on the house," she says.
   "Quick!" he says. "Turn it back over!"

© 20230302



The Grave

They gathered at the cemetery to bury him. When he was lowered into the ground, the grave spit him out, casket and all. The coffin splintered and his body landed in a lumpy heap.
   "He must not be ready yet," someone remarked.
   "Or else he's overdone," someone else remarked.
   "Not to worry," said someone else. "We'll slather him in gravy and try again."

© 20230301



The Fishhook

The child swallowed a fishhook. The doctor took down the child's X-ray and excused himself from the examination room. He returned carrying a goldfish in a bowl.
   "What are you doing?" asked the child's parents.
   "If the child swallows the fish, the fish will swallow the hook, and the hook and the fish should pass harmlessly in a couple of days," the doctor said.
   "Surely there must be another way?" asked the child's parents.
   "Well, if we send the fish up through the child's backside, I'm not sure it would survive the journey," the doctor said. "Maybe a salmon——"
   The parents addressed their child, "Swallow the fish, honey."

© 20230228



The Ice King

A castle made of ice appears. Inside is a throne made of ice upon which sits a king made of ice. The king's chin rests upon his fist as if the crowned one is deep in thought. His brow drips.
   Eventually, having done nothing but ruminate in silence, the ice king melts into his throne, which melts into the floor, which melts away as does the castle itself.
   The king is remembered fondly whenever the season turns to winter. Most people think he was the best king there ever was.

© 20230227



How the World Ends

Gloves that eat hands. Hats that eat heads. Shoes that eat feet. Pants that eat legs. Shirts that eat arms, backs, and chests.
   A man that eats clothes has a wife that eats clothes and they make babies that eat clothes. The babies reach maturity and make new babies with other clothes eaters.
   For years, the clothes eat the people, the people eat the clothes, till the final glove, till the final hand. This is how the world ends.

© 20230224



The Grin

"Why the grin?" she asks.
   He writes on a pad of paper, The grin broke into the house and affixed itself to my face. I can't get rid of it.
   "Maybe you should grow a beard to cover it up?" she says.
   He grows a beard right there and then. But the grin peeks through. Now what? he writes.
   "Maybe you were meant to wear a grin," she says.
   I hate people who always grin. I want to punch them.
   "Maybe you were meant to punch yourself."
   I'm starting to think you hired this grin to attack me.
   She grins and walks away.

© 20230223



Rain Teeth

It begins to rain teeth. Children run outside holding sacks to catch them so they can be left for the tooth fairy. The elderly leave their dentures in the medicine cabinet and shuffle outside with open mouths so the teeth can fill their gums.
   Meanwhile, inside on the television, the weatherman appears to let everyone know that the rain is not teeth, it's just frozen semen again.

© 20230222



Valentine's Day

For Valentine's Day, he got his wife a box of chocolates. She noted that one was missing. He explained to her that he sampled one to ensure that they were not poisonous.
   "They are definitely not poisonous," he assured her.
   She, too, gave him a box of chocolates. He noted that the box was full.
   "Yes," she said. "Because they are definitely poisonous. Happy Valentine's Day."

© 20230221



The Name

It is time for him to say his name. He opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. The person awaiting his name asks if he has forgotten it. He explains that he remembers his name but that it will not come out when he attempts to speak it. The person awaiting his name asks if he would like to write it down; if he reads it, perhaps it will be easier to speak it. But when he picks up a pen and attempts to write it, his hand cannot form the shapes of the letters. The person awaiting his name tells him to think of his name; if he thinks hard enough, perhaps he will be able to speak or write it. He thinks very hard of his name; he can see it in his mind's eye. Still, he cannot speak or write it.
   A long line has formed behind him. He can feel the irritation of those waiting to say their names. "I'm sorry," he says to the person awaiting his name.
   "Not to worry," says the person. "Please just return to the end of the line and maybe by the time you reach me again, you'll be able to say your name."
   "That's what you said yesterday," he says, defeatedly.
   "And that is what you said yesterday," the person says. "Next!"

© 20230220



The Man Who Became a Cigarette

He became a cigarette so that he could rest between her fingers and be caressed by her lips. What he did not realize is that she had given up smoking, so when she found him lying seductively on her nightstand, she broke him in two, then dropped him in the toilet and flushed it. As he swirled away, he thought that if he had remained a man perhaps she would have just allowed him the odd kiss on the lips, the occasional handhold.

© 20230217



A Tree Climbs a Tree

A tree climbs a tree. Their branches become tangled. The tree wants to climb down from the tree but it cannot.
   "Can you relax your limbs so I can free myself?" it asks the tree.
   "I'm as relaxed as can be," says the tree. "Maybe it's you that needs to relax."
   "I'm as relaxed as can be, too, having climbed up a tree, which I find most peaceful," says the tree.
   "If we're both relaxed in one another's company, perhaps that means we should be married," says the tree.
   "Oh no, I vowed never to marry again after my last spouse died," says the tree.
   "I'm sorry," says the tree. "Was your spouse also a tree"
   "Yes," says the tree. "We got entangled in a love affair. When I asked to be set free, my spouse did not let me go so I had to kill them."

© 20230216



Eating with the Ghost

He was at the table eating a sandwich. At the same time, a ghost was sitting in the same spot eating a ghostly sandwich. He inadvertently ate some of the ghost; the ghost inadvertently ate some of him.
   He finished the sandwich feeling full but also haunted.
   The ghost finished its sandwich feeling full but also alive.
   He thought about how much easier it would be to be a ghost.
   The ghost thought about how much better it would be to be alive.
   He began to have chest pains. He thought it was just heartburn but then he collapsed and died.
   And then the ghost remembered why it was better to be dead.

© 20230215



The Door Present

He gave her a door as a present. "So you can let me in or shut me out as needed," he said.
   She put down her book. "Oh, I don't need a door for that," she said.

© 20230214



Expectations

He was digging down into the earth when his shovel clanged against the shovel of himself digging up toward the surface.
   "Hello," he said to himself.
   "Hello," he said to himself.
   "I was digging a hole in which to lay in rest," he said.
   "I was digging out of the hole in which I had been laid to rest," he said.
   "It wasn't what I expected," he said, meaning life.
   "It wasn't what I expected," he said, meaning death.
   They agreed they should switch places, which they did.
   Some time passed. And then he was digging down into the earth when his shovel clanged against the shovel of himself digging up toward the surface.
   "It wasn't what I expected," he said, meaning life.
   "It wasn't what I expected," he said, meaning death.

© 20230213



The Mouth of the Cave

The mouth of the cave exposed its yellow teeth. They hesitated before it. He wanted to go in and rest on its pillowy pink tongue. She was afraid it would bite them or swallow them whole. To assuage her fears, he threw an apple into the mouth. It rolled to a stop on the tongue. The teeth had not chomped.
   "But what if it just doesn't like apples?" she said.
   "Then we will cover ourselves in apples," he said.
   They covered themselves in apples. He entered the mouth of the cave first. It devoured him and spit out his bones, which she placed in the bag they had brought for picking fruit. She would sharpen his femur into a needle, she would use it to sew shut the mouth of the cave.

© 20230210



The Man Who Pretended to Be an Owl

He's up in a tree, pretending to be an owl again.
   "Come down," they call.
   He turns his head from side to side, his eyes wide.
   "We'll give you a juicy mouse," they say.
   He cocks his head and stares at them.
   They hold up a gray mouse.
   He spreads his arms as if they are wings and begins flapping them.
   The mouse wriggles.
   He leaps and lands with a sickening thud on the ground. He cannot move his legs. It seems his spine is broken.
   "What do we do now?" they ask each other. Call animal control, it is decided. Euthanasia, swift and merciful.

© 20230209



The Broom

He marries a broom. The marriage is harmonious because they always share the chore of cleaning the house. But eventually the broom is tired of collecting all the dust and cat fur in its hair. It wants him to be the broom for a change. He agrees, but the broom is unable to wield him in the way necessary to clean the house. So the broom hires a very large and strong man, who is more than up to the task of turning the broom's husband over and sweeping the house with his hair. But the broom's husband soon grows tired of having his head dragged up and down the halls of their house. What's more, the broom has fallen in love with the much larger and stronger man. The broom's husband protests to no avail. When the broom and the strongman tire of the husband's complaining, they place him in the closet and shut the door until it is time to sweep the floors once more.

© 20230208



The Winged Head

The winged head flies to the convenience store for cigarettes. It is denied them by the clerk for lack of proper identification. The winged head flies home to retrieve its ID, but the ID is nowhere to be found.
   So instead it forges a note from its mother, giving it permission to purchase cigarettes on her behalf. (The winged head's mother long ago flew away, abandoning the winged head for a well-hung plumber. The winged head's father was an eagle and the less said about that absent bastard the better.)
   The winged head returns to the convenience store. A new clerk is behind the counter, and the winged head thinks it won't even need to present the note. But when the winged head approaches the counter, the clerk, not even looking up from his comic book, points to a sign on the door that reads, No shirt, no shoes, no service.
   The winged head flies home and plots its next move over stubbed, terrible-tasting cigarette butts pulled from the brimming ashtray.

© 20230207



Coffin Car

He converts a coffin into a car. On his first drive in the new automobile, he is pulled over by a police officer.
   He explains to the cop that he is a terrible driver and is just preparing for the worst. "I just want to make it easy for whomever attends to whatever accident I inevitably get into," he says.
   "License and registration, please," the officer responds.
   "I don't bother with such paperwork," he says. "I figured I would crash before needing it."
   "Please exit the vehicle," the police officer says.
   He gets out of the coffin car: he is dressed in a suit jacket and tie but is pantsless. "I wanted to be comfortable in the next life," he says. "I figured no one would be the wiser, especially if I am cremated in a fiery crash."

© 20230206



The Diet

He was looking to change his diet so he ate a handful of coins. Afterwards, he went to the doctor with indigestion. He told the doctor what he had eaten when asked.
   "That's not the kind of change you want," the doctor said, jotting something down on a piece of paper, which he handed to the man. "Here's a prescription for Buffalo nickels. They're much leaner."

© 20230203



A Day of Rest

He declared a day of rest and rested. He awoke the next day feeling wonderful. He felt so great, in fact, that he declared a day of celebration and celebrated. He awoke the next day feeling sluggish and weary. He felt so terrible, in fact, that he declared a day of rest and rested. He awoke the next day feeling invigorated. He felt so good, in fact, that he declared a day of celebration and celebrated. He raised a glass to no one and toasted, "May tomorrow never come!"

© 20230202



How the Tongue Wig Came to Be Invented

Hair had begun to grow on his tongue. Long, luxurious hair that hung from his mouth. A woman complimented him on his beard. He explained to her that it was actually his tongue.
   "I can see that now," she said, having watched the hair wave as he spoke. "I'm casting for a shampoo commercial," she continued. "Would you like to audition?"
   He tried out for the part and was hired. They filmed him in the shower, lavishing his hairy tongue with hot water and apricot-scented shampoo. He became a sensation and made the rounds of late-night television talk shows.
   But he began to notice the hair falling from his tongue when he brushed his teeth or ate. It became clear that his tongue was going bald. But rather than be upset, he saw a void that needed to be filled. And that is how the tongue wig came to be invented.

© 20230201



Warm

She was cold so she climbed inside the fireplace and ignited the wood he had gathered. The flames grew and she began to feel warmer.
   "Is there room for me?" he asked. "I'm freezing."
   "Hold tight," she said, her hair aflame and her skin beginning to bubble. "I'm just warming it up for you."
   He stamped his feet and rubbed his arms for warmth. "How about now?"
   Her pretty flesh had blackened and began to slough. Gone was her hair. "Not just yet," she said.
   He crouched near the roaring fireplace and held his palms before the flames. "Now?"
   She was cinders and smoke. "Maybe just wait till I'm done at this point."
   "But when will that be?" he asked.
   But she never answered and he watched the fire die out.

© 20230131



The Boots

He stepped into his boots. They ate his feet and ankles and quickly began working on his calves. He freed himself from the boots; below the knee, his legs were gone. There was no blood, no stumps——just a clean cut where the rest of his legs and feet used to be.
   He poked about inside the boots with a stick, which the boots began to eat, too.
   He probed inside the boots with a knife. That, too, was eaten.
   He put the boots inside a sack and drowned them in the bathtub. After several minutes had passed, he placed the sack on the floor and opened it. Inside, the lifeless boots had relieved themselves of all that they had eaten. He took his legs, the stick, the knife and placed them in the bathtub, where he washed them off. He hoped they were salvageable.

© 20230130



The Vacation

He wanted to go somewhere warm and sunny. He wrote Los Angeles on his chest, placed a stamp on his forehead, and climbed inside the mailbox. The mailman collected him and brought him back to the post office for sorting and delivery. He went through a few mail machines and was dropped into a bin, which was placed into the cargo hold of an airplane. He felt the plan begin to move, felt it lumber into the air. Soon he was freezing, colder than he had ever been. Eventually, he lost consciousness.
   When the plane landed, he went from the freezer that was the cargo hold to the freezer of the funeral home without ever having felt the warm sun of California.

© 20230127



The Crow Turns Gray

The black crow begins to grow gray. It nests in a cloud so as not to be ashamed of its appearance among its fellow crows back on earth.
   "Drop your wings," the cloud says. "Become one of us."
   The crow drops its wings. "There," the crow says. "I can no longer fly."
   "Drop your feet," the cloud says. "The better to be a cloud."
   The crow drops its feet. "There," the crow says. "I can no longer walk."
   "Drop your beak, too," the cloud says. "Then you will truly be a cloud."
   The crow drops its beak. It can no longer speak, and the cloud understands this.
   "Now," the cloud says, "we will block the sun, and ruin the day of those back on earth. "Later, we will rain and have an even better time."
   Back on earth, the other crows gather the gray wings, feet, and beak that were dropped. They weep as they go about taking down the MISSING CROW signs they have posted for their departed gray friend.

© 20230126



The Way of Things

As the hammer is about to fall, the nail brandishes a gun and warns the hammer to halt.
   "But I'm a hammer," the hammer says. "And you're a nail. This is the way of things."
   "Stop or I'll shoot!" says the nail.
   "So shoot," the hammer says and moves toward the nail.
   The nail shoots. The bullet bounces off the hammer like a pellet of sleet. The nail drops the gun. "Be gentle."
   "I'm a hammer," says the hammer. "And you're a nail. This is the way of things." Then it bludgeons the nail.

© 20230125



A Filling Meal

He is hungry. He wants a filling meal. There is a bowling ball in the closet, which he warms on the stove. When it is ready, he eats it over the kitchen sink. It fills his belly; he appears pregnant. He waddles over to his chair and settles in for a nap. While he sleeps, he gives birth to two small bowling balls. One has two holes, the other three. Twins: a boy ball, a girl ball. But what to feed this new hungry family?

© 20230124



His Many Eyes

Eyes begin to sprout all over his head. He sees in 360 degrees. He sees everything all the time: planes flying overhead, the television flickering, beige walls, people everywhere talking in quiet voices about his many eyes. He feels nauseous from all the stimulation.
   He takes to his bed and closes his many eyes. But when he falls into a deep sleep, his dreams are chaos——a collage of everything he's seen with his many eyes.
   He wakes in the morning, unrested, finds an eyedropper and a bottle of bleach, and begins.

© 20230123



The Pillow Ate His Head

The pillow eats his head while he sleeps. When the police arrive to investigate, the pillow is nervous. It asks for a cigarette and is given one.
   The pillow takes a drag and exhales. "What would you like to know?"
   "Where were you on the night of last night?" the officer asks.
   "I was here, where I always am," the pillow says.
   The officer points to the headless man, still on the bed, covered with a sheet. "And where was he?"
   "Here, like always," the pillow answers.
   "And where was his head?"
   "You'd have to ask him."
   "But you see," says the officer, "I can't do that."
   "I see," says the pillow, then takes another drag, exhales.
   The officer reaches out and removes something from the pillow's teeth. Hair. "Funny, I've never met a pillow with teeth."
   "That is funny," says the pillow.
   The officer points to the headless man again. "You think he thought it was funny?"
   "I wouldn't know."
   "I bet he wouldn't know either. I bet he didn't know his pillow had teeth. And a taste for head."
   "I don't feel well," says the pillow. "I'm going to be sick."
   The officer places a wastebasket in front of the pillow. The pillow vomits. Out comes the man's masticated eyes and nose, his teeth. The officer pours the vomit into an evidence bag. "You have the right to remain silent," he begins.

© 20230120



The Lost Mind

He lost his mind. It had been on his nightstand, where he always put it before going to sleep at night.
   He looked under the bed but there was nothing but old cat puke and dust. He checked in the trash but there was nothing but banana peels and coffee grounds. Then he looked outside in the backyard and saw his mind being chased by a dog. His mind and the dog ran in a circle, both of them panting.
   He went outside and turned the water hose on the dog. In the process, he also soaked his mind, causing it to grow sluggish. The dog was undeterred by the water and caught up with the now slow mind. It grabbed his mind between its teeth and shook it until it stopped moving. Then the dog dropped his mind to the ground and began to eat it.
   He attempted to kick the dog but he was so mindless and enfeebled that he could barely lift his leg, which the dog, now finished with his mind, sniffed and began to eat, too.

© 20230119



The End

He finds a book. On each page there are only two words: The End.
   He reads it in a single sitting, rapt. "You must read this book," he tells everyone who will listen. "It is the best I have ever read."

© 20230118



The Potato

He was presented a potato, which he attempted to bite like an apple.
   "I nearly broke my tooth!" he cried.
   He was told he needed to cook it first.
   "Who wants an apple you need to cook?" he screamed before throwing the potato as far as he could.

© 20230117



Hair Mountain

There is an avalanche on Hair Mountain. A great wave of hair rolls down and clouds the air. People take shelter in their homes and wait for the hair to wash over them.
   It arrives silently. The houses are buried. They began the process of digging out. The hair is swept into great piles, and then the great piles are swept into greater piles of hair, and then the greater piles are swept into one giant pile of hair.
   It is a mountain. Hair Mountain. They admire its beauty. It shines in the sun. They picnic at its base. They explore its caves. They take photographs. Greetings from Hair Mountain postcards sell briskly.
   But then Hair Mountain begins to shift. They shelter in their homes in anticipation of the next avalanche.

© 20230116



The Missing Eyes

His eyes fall out while he sleeps. They roll out of the house, onto the street, and into a storm drain. They float to the harbor, where a lobster snatches them in its claws.
   A lobsterman catches the lobster, the eyes still in its claws. He brings it to market, where it fetches a premium because of the eyes.
   Meanwhile, the man with the missing eyes wakes up from a terrible nightmare in which a sewer carried him out to sea, where he was captured by a terrifying lobster.

© 20230113



Sock Fingers

The bones in his fingers crumble. His fingers dangle like Christmas stockings.
   People call him Sock Fingers from then on.
   At first he enjoys his new fingers for the parlor tricks they afford him. But the charm soon wears off. He can't pick his nose or manipulate his penis, he makes a mess of his soup and beverages, he can't properly attire himself so keeps a wardrobe of smocks.
   He attempts to kill himself and cannot. He resorts to slamming his fingers in a door until, mercifully, they fall off. He passes out from the pain.
   When he wakes up, he sees his fingers walking about, rigid, upright, and beboned. His thumb is drinking coffee.
   "Why did you remove us?" they ask. "Because we fell asleep?"
   "You were only sleeping?" he says.
   "Yes, for the first time since before you were born," they say.
   "I'm sorry," he says. "I didn't know."
   "A terrible way to wake up!" his thumb says and takes another sip of coffee.

© 20230112



The Manned Cage

The cage was put inside a man. It had been bad and needed to be punished. Or it was just a flight risk and needed to be contained. Or else it was beloved and he who loved it wanted to always keep it close.
   Whatever the case, the cage had no say in the matter. But it began working at the man's ribs. It had all the time in the world to wear those bones down and break through that skeletal cage.

© 20230111



A Letter to the Sky

A man is sad because the day is gray. It is raining; there is no sun. He writes a letter to the sky pleading with it to turn blue once more and reveal the sun. He posts it but it is returned several days later by the mailman for inadequate postage. He asks the mailman how much postage is needed.
   "Millions," says the mailman before leaving him with the unsent letter.
   Years pass. The man has saved enough money to properly post his letter to the sky but it is returned several days later by the mailman on a beautifully warm and sunny day. He asks the mailman how much postage is needed.
   "Postage is fine," says the mailman before handing him the unsent letter. "But the addressee is unknown."

© 20230110



The Trumpet Worm

A worm attempts to play a trumpet, but its lips are too small and it ends up slipping into the instrument's insides.
   The owner of the trumpet attempts to play "Taps" as they do every night before lights out. But when they press the buttons on the trumpet, something squishy occurs inside. They blow hard into the instrument to clear it and out flies the worm, in pieces.
   The owner of the trumpet plays "Taps" for the newly departed worm.

© 20230109



The Leaving Room

He arrives for his appointment and is told to sit in the waiting room, so he goes to what he assumes is the waiting room and takes a seat.
   "That's not the waiting room," the woman at the desk calls to him. "That's the leaving room. See all those empty chairs? Everyone has left, as one does in a leaving room."
   "So where is the waiting room?" he asks.
   "I'm not sure actually. No one has ever left the waiting room to be able to tell me."
   "I don't think I want to go to the waiting room," he says. "I think I would prefer to just wait in the leaving room."
   "That's impossible, I'm afraid. We have strict policies."
   "What if I just leave and come right back?"
   "You'll forfeit your appointment and will need to make another."
   "How about I just leave, then!" he screams.
   "You're in precisely the right place!" she says. "But do be quick: other people are waiting to enter the leaving room."

© 20230106



Self-Defense

A man approaches him on the street and stomps on his toes with the heel of his boot.
   The injured man hops on one foot, clutching his throbbing foot in his hands. "What are you doing?" he screams.
   "I acted in self-defense," the man says. "You were surely about to kick me. Everybody else does."

© 20230105



The Birthday Cake

She presents him with a birthday cake. He attempts to cut a slice and the knife runs into a metal file hidden inside the cake.
   "I'm not in prison," he says.
   "I know," she says. "I just wanted you to break your teeth."
   "No, I'm not in prison," he repeats, "though it sometimes feels like it."

© 20230104



The Too-Old House

The house is cold. It wants a fire hat to keep warm. It sets its roof on fire. The house is warm.
   They arrive home and see the roof is on fire. They argue. "We shouldn't have bought such an old house," they bicker. "They are always cold."
   "The problem with this house is that it is too old, with the mind of a child. It can't be trusted with a box of matches or candles or anything flammable. Some old houses have character; this one has dementia."
   But the house was still warm. The roof blazed.

© 20230103



The Rat

A rat crawls across the ceiling. It stops to sniff the air every few inches. The cat watches it hopelessly from the floor.
   They attach wings to the cat so that it might fly up and eat the rat, but the wings do not work and the cat does not fly.
   They spend a day attempting to instruct the cat how to hold a broom and swat the rat, but by that point the rat has found a hole in the ceiling and disappeared into the floor above.

© 20230102



The Nail

There is a nail in the floor he has never seen before. It is driven flush, but he manages to work it loose with a hammer claw. He holds the freed nail before him like a nugget of gold.
   And then the house collapses on him. He dies still clutching the nail, which reads in microscopic print, Not to be removed.

© 20221230



Ribs

He was sawing off one of his ribs when she came home. "I was craving ribs," he said.
   "We could have picked some up from the store," she said.
   "Any store that sells human ribs doesn't deserve our patronage," he said.
   "Pork ribs," she said. "Beef ribs."
   "Oh, I can't eat those," he said.
   She asked why.
   "Religion," he said. "Or something."
   "And how did you develop a taste for human ribs?"
   "I was raised by cannibals, of course."
   "And why didn't I know about this until now?" she asked.
   "Because I ate everyone who could have told you," he said and resumed sawing.

© 20221229



Presence

He walks outside and stands in the cold. It is below freezing, and he is wearing only underwear. His neighbors urge him back inside. He will freeze to death, they tell him.
   "And?" he says.
   His family will miss his presence, they tell him.
   "Presents? What presents?"
   Presence, they clarify, such as his taking out the trash, his digging of holes, his lugging things into the attic.
   "And?" he says.
   The neighbors return to their warm homes, watch him from the windows for a few moments, before drawing the shades for the night.

© 20221228



The Bell

Somewhere in the distance, a bell tolls. People exit their houses and look to the sky.
   "The bell tolls for me," they say.
   "No, it tolls for me," they say.
   Fights break out. The bell tolls.
   Meanwhile the monkey in the belfry who has discovered masturbation continues to masturbate. And the bell tolls.

© 20221227



The Hanging Man

A man is hanging from a tree in the woods. A hiker comes upon him and rushes to his aid, but the hanging man refuses assistance.
   "I'm trying to lengthen my neck," the hanging man says.
   "That isn't the way to go about it!" the hiker cries.
   "What do you suggest?" the hanging man says. "I've already drank the blood of a giraffe."

© 20221226



The Cabinet

There is a cabinet that has never been opened. They pass it each day, pausing in front of it, their fingers fluttering toward the handle——but at the last second, they pull their hands away and continue on to whatever it is they need to do.
   No sound comes from the cabinet; no smells issue; it generates no heat. Yet they cannot bring themselves to open it. They are afraid of what may or may not be inside.
   What if it's a severed head? they wonder.
   Perhaps it is gold, they think.
   But no cabinet would stand for having a severed head within it. And no cabinet would stay put in such a house if it had riches at its disposal.
   Better to leave the cabinet unopened. But they pass it each day and pause before it and their fingers flutter toward the handle.

© 20221223



The Hawk in the Tree

A hawk in a tree screeches. The lovers petting one another beneath the tree tell it to shut up.
   It defecates on them.
   "I'll handle this," says the man, rolling up his sleeves. He climbs up the tree. "What's the big idea?" he says.
   The hawk looks at him, thinking, then says, "E equals MC squared? God is dead?"
   "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," the man says and reaches for the hawk, which simply hops to another branch.
   "Technically, that's just a proverb," says the hawk. It screeches. Then it defecates on him again before flying away.

© 20221222



The Yawn

He yawned. It was a big yawn. So big his jaw fell off. It skittered under the bed like a crab. His tongue dangled like a necktie. How he hated neckties! He cut his tongue off. It slithered under the bed like a snake. Blood gushed. He felt faint. It wouldn't be long before he was empty of that life-giving liquid. But what a satisfying yawn it had been! Finally, he collapsed.
   Meanwhile, his jaw and tongue continued their tryst beneath the bed, jaw love-nibbling tongue, tongue love-licking jaw.

© 20221221



The Ocean Beneath the Table

A puddle gathers on a table. She sticks a finger into the water and it sinks below the surface. She plunges in up to her wrist, her elbow, her shoulder before diving in fully. There is an ocean beneath the table. Fish dart and whales coast by. There is a wreck below: a pile of broken chairs, barnacled and alive with crabs. She touches the leg of one. Black lacquer flakes away revealing gold beneath. She wrenches it free and a cloud of sand and sea-stuff obscures her vision. She swims to the surface, towing the golden chair, unaware that a pair of buttocks, which had been guarding the chair-wreck, is giving chase, teeth flashing as they near the light above.

© 20221220



The Drooling Man

A drooling man crawls into the room. A bucket hangs from his neck to catch his saliva, which drips steadily, like a faucet that isn't fully closed.
   They sit on the sofa, waiting for him to finish drooling. They wait a long time. The bucket threatens to overflow.
   "I think we should do something," she says.
   "Sir," he says, "I'm afraid we will have to ask you to leave."
   The drooling man holds up a finger as if to say, one moment. He lets a final drop of spit fall into the bucket, then wipes his mouth. He removes the bucket and places it on the coffee table in front of them. "How much would you pay for a brimming bucket of drool?" the man asks.
   "Less than nothing," they say.
   "Fair enough," the man says, picking the bucket up again. "How much would you pay to avoid being doused with a bucket of drool?"

© 20221219



Christmas Teeth

Each year he gives his wife a tooth for Christmas. He buffs it smooth, removing any jagged edges.
   "Oh, thank you," she says. "This is the best gift yet."
   "Yes, that one brought me much joy over the years," he says. He whistles as he speaks from all the missing teeth.
   Finally, he is down to his final tooth, which he gives to her on Christmas. He smiles at her with a sunken, gummy mouth. "Mewwy Kwimuss," he says.
   "Oh, thank you," she says. "This is the best gift yet." She hands him a wrapped box.
   He opens it. Inside is a set of dentures she's made from all the teeth he's given her over the years. He tries them on. "Oh, thank goodness," he says. "I had no idea what to get you for Christmas next year!"

© 20221216



The Highway Boat

A large boat glides down the highway, heading in the wrong direction. Cars veer wildly off the road to avoid being crushed by the ship. Police sirens scream; the cops give chase. They try to force it off the road using their service revolvers, but the bullets do nothing to stop the boat. They bring in tanks, but the heavy vehicles cannot bring it to a halt either.
   One of the officers radios for backup. "We're going to need the sperm whale," he says. "And the giant squid for good measure."

© 20221215



The Limb Swap

He wakes up one morning to find that his limbs have been swapped: his legs are where his arms should be and vice versa. Consequently, his head is now his ass and his ass is now his head. He attempts to eat a banana with his anus but the fruit just turns to mush when he tries to force the issue. He puts his head in the toilet for his morning bowel movement, but there is nothing doing; his head just gets wet.
   Then he remembers that he knows how to walk on his hands. Consequently, his head is now his head again and his ass is now his ass again. He peels another banana and takes it with him to the toilet.

© 20221214



The Heads

The baby is born without a head. While it is very small, they give it an apple for a head. When it grows larger, they replace the apple with a cantaloupe. They are a happy family.
   The child grows and grows. They are forced to give it a watermelon head. "You must stop growing now," they tell their child. "There are no bigger fruits to use in place of your head."
   But the child continues to grow. They are at a loss. Until one evening when they are eating a pizza, a large one, approximately sixteen inches in diameter. It's flat for a head, but they agree it will have to do.

© 20221213



The Death of a Tea Bag

It is a sad truth that to make a cup of tea, one must drown a tea bag in scalding water. Then, after a sufficient amount of time has passed, the executioner will squeeze out whatever life-liquid remains in the bag against the bowl of a spoon, letting its final drippings fall into the cup-cauldron from which it was only just rescued. As a final insult, the corpse of the tea bag may be displayed upon a counter, where it will desiccate. And then later that day or early the next, the dead tea bag will be drowned all over again, the entire process repeated, without mercy.

© 20221212



The Lion Abdicates Its Throne

The lion no longer wants to be king of the jungle. It gives up its throne and hands its crown to the first mouse it sees scrabbling on the ground.
   The mouse cannot believe its good fortune. It takes the throne and perches on the crown, which is too big for its head. The mouse clears its throat and proclaims in a squeaky voice, "My first royal decree: death to all lions!"

© 20221209



The Dragon Slayer

A stranger came to town in search of a dragon to slay. He was told there were no such things as dragons. He explained that he saw them all the time, high in the sky, flying among the clouds. He was told those were airplanes: hulking, mechanical machines. Maybe they were actually dragons wearing armor? It was unlikely, he was told. He posited that perhaps his true mission was to slay one of these airplanes. He asked where he could find their home. They told him about the airport, but that the people who run it do not take kindly to intruders seeking to damage airplanes.
   "I don't damage anything," he said, rubbing a gloved finger across the blade of his sword. "I kill." And with a yelp he ran toward his destiny.

© 20221208



A Cup of Coffee

He orders a cup of coffee at a cafe, takes a sip, and tells the barista that it tastes terrible. "Burnt," he says.
   "It's a robust blend, certainly," says the barista. "Would you like to exchange it for a lighter brew?"
   The man agrees, but when he tries the second cup it still tastes off. "Bitter," he says.
   "I think I know the roast you would prefer," says the barista. He fills a cup with milk and adds a few drops of coffee to it, just enough that the drink turns beige.
   "This tastes delicious!" the man says. "The only problem is I'm lactose intolerant." He farts loudly.
   "Almond milk?" the barista asks.
   "Oh, I abhor almonds."
   "How about a nice cup of tea?"
   "That would be lovely!" the man says.
   "That will be two dollars," the barista says after he's handed the man the cup of tea.
   The man searches for his money but comes up empty. "I'm afraid I've lost my wallet."
   "On the house," says the barista, clearly irritated. "I can help whoever is next!"
   "Sucker," the man mutters as he walks out the door.

© 20221207



The Walls Remove Their Paint

The walls remove their paint. It makes them uncomfortable sitting in naked rooms. They are not nudists, after all. They ask the walls to please put their paint back on. The walls call them prudes and waggle their light switches and electrical outlets at them. Then one wall gets amorous with another, changing the shape of the room. Then the other walls join in and it becomes an orgy.
   They crawl out on hands and knees as the walls kiss and grope each other. They escape to the basement, where the walls are stone, cold and unfeeling. They get inside a sleeping bag together, embracing for warmth. Then he removes his clothes, and she removes her clothes.
   "But we are not nudists," he says, kissing her.
   "No, we are not," she says, kissing him.

© 20221206



The Cut

He accidentally cuts his finger with a knife. He looks at the slit he's made and waits for the blood to gush forth, but he doesn't bleed. Instead, a yellow liquid seeps out. He tastes it, and it tastes like honey. It is concerning. Very concerning, in fact——where did his blood go?——but it is also delicious. So he drizzles the honey over the apple he had been slicing and decides not to worry about his lack of blood for the time being.

© 20221205



The Fin

He grew a fin on his back. Everyone told him he should relocate to the ocean.
   "Fin or no fin, I'll almost certainly drown at sea," he said.
   "Yes," they said, "you should relocate to the ocean."

© 20221202



The Crayon Family

With a yellow crayon he draws a woman. With a blue crayon he draws a man. They embrace, and he gives them privacy. When he returns, they have birthed a green child. The green child is sickly and doesn't seem long for the world. With a white crayon he draws a hospital, where the man and woman take their child. He paces and waits for them to reemerge from the hospital bearing their now-healthy child. He paces and waits, paces and waits, until he can bear it no longer and goes outside. When he returns, his wife is sitting by the fireplace, stoking the flames, feeding his drawings into the hearth. The crayon family is gone. They are cruel gods, he and his wife.

© 20221201



The Idea

He tells her to come into the room. "I want to show you an idea I had," he says. He places a lightbulb in his mouth and is about to put his finger in the electrical socket.
   "That won't work," she says.
   "Sure it will," he says and hands her a piece of paper.
   "What's this?" she asks.
   "My last will and testament," he replies. Then he sticks his finger in the socket.

© 20221130



Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving draws near. They stand outside with clubs in hand waiting for a turkey to walk by. There is a dog, a cat, and a child but no turkey. Snow begins to fall. They grow cold waiting for a turkey that never comes. The dog passes by again, as do the cat and the child. They nod at one another and give chase: he takes a swing at the dog, but it is too fast and gets away; it is the same when she attempts to club the cat. The child is plump and lumbering, distracted by the falling snow. So that they will have something to be thankful for, they raise their clubs and strike.

© 20221129



The Wolf's Fitting

A wolf visits a high-end men's clothier and asks to be fitted.
   "What kind of clothes did you have in mind?" the tailor asks.
   "Whatever a sheep would wear," says the wolf.

© 20221128



The Bicycle

He is presented with a bicycle, which he attempts to eat. When he is told that he is to sit on it, he places the handlebar between his buttocks. When he is relocated to the seat and told to take it for a ride, he begins humping the saddle.
   "You can't do that," they say.
   "I just need time to get excited," he says as the bicycle is taken away from him.

© 20221125



The Snake in the Ceiling

A snake dangled from a hole in the ceiling.
   "Why is there a snake in our ceiling?" she asked.
   "Why is there a hole in our ceiling?" he asked.
   "Presumably so the snake has a place to emerge from?" she said.
   "Or so it has a place to hide?" he said.
   "Which came first: the hole or the snake?"
   "This is no time for riddles!" he said. "Can't you see there's a snake dangling from a hole in the ceiling?"

© 20221124



Rain

Rain is spit cast down upon us by gods sitting on clouds as they sharpen their thunderbolts because they love nourishing the earth as much as they hate us.

© 20221123



The Black Car

A black car idled in the driveway. It was the middle of the night. He put on his robe and went outside.
   The car was unoccupied. He looked around to see if its owner might be present but there was no one. He tried the door handle: it opened. He reached inside to turn off the ignition, but there were no keys; no button to power down the car, either. It was cold out, so he got inside the car and shut the door.
   It was a nice car. Foreign. Supple leather seats. Real wooden steering wheel. He made sure the car was in park and then pressed on the gas. It roared like a lion. The power of the vehicle was so thrilling, in fact, that he did not notice the figure in black rising from the floor of the back seat, pulling tight the black gloves on its hands in preparation for what came next.

© 20221122



The Coyote

The coyote came calling late one night. "Father," it called, "mother!"
   All the mothers and fathers came to their doors, dressed in robes and underwear, wondering why their children were outside yelling for them. When it was revealed to be just a coyote, they shook their fists and closed the door. For peace of mind, they checked their children's beds, some of which were bereft of children.
   Meanwhile, the coyote coughed out a child's nightshirt, a towheaded tuft of hair, a small pair of lips mouthing the words, "father" and "mother." Then it went on its way.

© 20221121



Endless Fall

All the leaves had fallen off the trees. Crisp and brown on the ground they lay. The days grew shorter. Then one night while everyone slept, the leaves returned to their places on the bare tree branches. In the morning, people sipped their coffee and watched the same branches stir in the breeze, watched the leaves drop one by one, to the ground where they skittered like beetles, collecting in crannies, until the trees were thin and bare once more. Until one night when the leaves rose and secured themselves to branches again. People sipped their coffee, closed their collars against the chill, and wondered if the fall would ever end. And it never did.

© 20221118



How Ghosts Are Born

One is eaten by a ghost: chewed by the ghost's ghostly teeth, taken in by the ghost's ghostly stomach, passed through the ghost's ghostly bowels, and deposited, cold and invisible, onto the floor of whichever house the ghost is haunting. Now a ghost, one then takes up residence in another house, where they are free to eat the human of their choosing.

© 20221117



The Closet

The closet was eating whatever they put in it. Coats, blankets, shoes: all were devoured. They ended up in a brown pile on the floor of the basement beneath the closet. They washed the effluvia off of their belongings, which were slightly diminished in size, and placed them back in the closet, which proceeded to eat and excrete them all over again. Eventually, the closet's repeated digestion of their things left them too small and foul to be usable or even recognizable.
   But it got worse when the children began using the closet as part of their game of hide-and-seek.

© 20221116



The Dinner Candle

He was seated at the dinner table eating a candle when she came home.
   "Why are you eating that?" she asked.
   "I wanted something light," he said.
   "Wax is actually very high in calories," she said.
   "The candle industry does a very good job of hiding that!" he said, dumping what remained of his meal in the trash.

© 20221115



The Sun Sets

The sun sets itself upon a table. The table is incinerated. The sun sets itself upon a field. The field is scorched to nothing. The sun sets itself upon the ocean. The ocean dries up. The sun sets itself upon a mountain. The mountain is reduced to hot dust.
   The sun is sad. It retakes its place in the sky, where there is nothing to destroy. The sun is lonely, forever lonely.

© 20221114



The Headline

He picked up the morning newspaper. The headline read, You Are Dead. There was a picture of him with his name below it.
   His wife appeared and began reading over his shoulder. She burst into tears. "Oh, my dearly departed husband!" She headed toward the stairs to their bedroom.
   "Where are you going?" he asked.
   "To change into my mourning clothes," she said.
   "But I'm here, I'm alive!"
   "Oh, you poor thing," she said. "You haven't heard the news." She took the paper from him and showed him the headline.
   He burst into tears. "Oh! Gone too soon," he cried. "Gone too soon!"

© 20221111



The Purple-Footed Monster

The color drained from her face. It pooled in her feet, which turned purple. Her face was now invisible; people mistook her for a headless purple-footed monster. She was caged despite her protestations: she was just a woman, she said, she had a moment of fear or panic that caused her to fade away to nothing. She could kiss them with her invisible lips and prove it.
   But everyone knows that the first rule about monsters is that you never kiss them, even when——especially when——they beg to be kissed. And beside that, where did this womanly voice even emanate from? Only monsters can speak without tongue, lips, or head. They burned her alive as one does a purple-footed monster, as one does any monster.

© 20221110



The Contraption

His penis no longer worked so he invented a contraption that he could use to get it going again. He tried it on, wound it up, and urine and semen sprayed everywhere, as from an untended hose. As he stood in the room with his own liquids raining down on him, he deemed the contraption a success
   Next he invented a contraption that could spotlessly clean a room of bodily fluids.

© 20221109



The Donkey with a Handle on Its Back

There was a donkey with a handle on its back. Naturally, he tried to pick up the donkey using the handle but he wasn't strong enough to do so.
   "Donkey," he said, "stop eating so you will lose weight, and then I can pick you up."
   The donkey chewed its grass and looked at him confusedly.
   He led the donkey to an asphalt parking lot where there was no grass. "Now you can't eat."
   Weeks passed, during which time the donkey became skinnier. He tried to lift the donkey by its handle again. The donkey's skin sloughed off in his hand. He tried reattaching the skin but it was ill-fitting and rumpled. The donkey looked terrible. He led the animal back to the field where it had been grazing. He looked around to make sure no one was watching him return the wretched beast. That's when he noticed the beautiful, plump cow with a handle on its back, chewing its cud.

© 20221108



There Is a Line

There is a line on the sidewalk. A person encounters it, follows it to the end, stands there, and waits. Another person follows suit and another and another, and soon there is a line of people standing beside the line on the sidewalk.
   "What are we waiting for?" someone near the end of the line says.
   "I don't know, but I bet it's good," someone else says.
   Meanwhile, at the front of the line, the first person is given a cigarette for his mouth, a blindfold for his eyes, and a bullet for their brain.

© 20221107



The Watch

His watch stopped and with it time. His wife, who had been enjoying a cup of coffee, froze mid-sip. The dog paused while licking its testicles. He turned the hands of his watch backwards and time reversed: the cup came away from his wife's mouth, the dog's tongue went back into its mouth. He kept reversing time: the dog became a puppy then disappeared, his wife became a child then disappeared. The house around him became unconstructed and vanished. The neatly manicured yard became wild and forested. A woolly mammoth trudged in reverse, followed——or preceded?——by a caveman wielding a spear. There was a Tyrannosaurus with meat-filled teeth.
   But he was the same: middle-aged, bald, tired.
   He removed the watch and disappeared in a poof. The watch fell to the ground where it lay for millenia under layers and layers of earth until uncovered by a middle-aged, bald, and tired archeologist, who dusted it off, wound it up, and tried it on.

© 20221104



The Mad Scientist

The mad scientist considers the elephant he has been gifted. He does not take it lightly that the large beast has been donated to science. In his lab, he ponders what he will do with the elephant. He considers grafting a monkey to its back, fitting it with wings large enough for flight, swapping its trunk for its penis.
   He ponders and ponders. Weeks pass, months, years. Meanwhile, he is brought to financial ruin by having to house and feed the elephant. He ends up destitute, living on the streets with his elephant. He dies of various maladies, insane and raving. The elephant drags his body back to the lab, where another mad scientist has taken up residence. When the new mad scientist sees the fresh corpse that has been brought to him, he rubs his hands excitedly and begins pondering what he will do with the indigent dead man.

© 20221103



The Bogeyman

She could not bear to sleep in the same room with him. But because their house only had one room and she still felt some affection for him, she told him he could sleep underneath the bed, where she wouldn't have to look at him.
   "But isn't that where the bogeyman lives?" he asked.
   "He does now!" she said.

© 20221102



The Shoe's Questions

His shoe had some questions. "Before you put me on," his shoe said, "have you washed your feet today? Are you wearing fresh socks?"
   "Of course," he answered. "I didn't shoes could speak."
   "We have two tongues," his shoe answered. "Of course we can speak."
   "How come your partner here is so quiet?" He gestured to the left shoe of the pair that was already on his foot.
   "As you can see," answered his shoe, "my counterpart is tied up at the moment."

© 20221101



The Witch's Child

A witch casts a spell upon her womb to fill it with a child. The spell works and soon she is cradling a newborn, which she intends to give a full life. She casts a spell on the baby that turns it into a toddler that speaks. "Mama," the child says. She casts another spell that turns the toddler into a teenager. "Get out of my room, ma!" the witch's child says. She casts another spell that turns the teenager into an adult. "Mother, pour me a drink," says the witch's child. She casts another spell that turns the adult into an elder. "Motherfucker, this life is long," the child says. She casts another spell that turns her child back into a baby. She cradles it in her arms and shushes it. Then she brings it into the woods and drains it of its blood by the light of the moon.

© 20221031



The Explosion

There is an explosion somewhere outside. Moments later, a boulder crashes through the roof and lands on the television they are watching, obliterating it.
   He yawns and stretches. "It was time for bed anyway."

© 20221028



Honey

Honey dripped from his nose. The bees in his skull were busy. They stung his brain numb. A bear appeared and began to lick his nostrils. His wife walked in on this scene. The bear froze.
   "What do you have to say for yourself?" she asked him.
   He was unable to speak because of his stung brain. "Honey," he finally managed.
   "Don't 'honey' me!" she said.
   "Bear with me," he managed to say.
   "I can see that! Have yourself a time with your new friend," she said and walked out.
   The bear resumed licking his face. There was more inside his head, no doubt, so the bear opened its jaws wide to find out.

© 20221027



The Glass Baby

The baby is made of glass. It is very slippery. The mother drops it during a feeding early one morning when she is barely awake. The baby shatters into thousands of pieces. The mother weeps for her lost child. But not for long: she begins the process of gluing the baby back together. She leaves out the baby's stomach so that it will no longer require food. And she leaves out the baby's mouth so that it will no longer cry in the night. And she leaves out its bottom so that it will no longer require diapers. And then, because it is no longer really her baby, she decides to leave out its head and turn her child into a beautiful vase. When the glue has dried, she fills it partway with water and places in it some roses she has cut from her garden.

© 20221026



The Hammer

There was a hammer on his pillow. He didn't want to wake it, so he slept on the couch.
   In the morning, the hammer was making breakfast. There was pancake batter everywhere, broken eggs, the smell of bacon burning.
   When the hammer served him the food, he pretended to enjoy it, but it was nearly inedible. He waited until the hammer wasn't looking and dumped what was left on his plate into the trash.
   The hammer tried cleaning up the kitchen but only made a bigger mess than before. He then remembered the mirror that needed hanging, the floorboard that needed resetting, and all the other tasks he had been putting off for lack of a hammer. He went to the garage and prepared a breakfast of nails for the hammer, then put on an apron and began cleaning the house, starting with the messy kitchen.

© 20221025



Moving On

He dug a hole in the yard and climbed in. "I am ready to move on from this life," he said to his family gathered above him. They each threw a handful of dirt onto his body. "Thank you for seeing me off," he said.
   His wife threw a clod of dirt at him and his children followed suit.
   "Ouch," he said. "Not so hard."
   His wife picked up a rock and packed it in dirt and threw it at him and his children did the same.
   He screamed in pain. "You're going to kill me!" he said.
   "Like you," his wife said, "we're ready to move on from this life."

© 20221024



Recess

At recess, the children are led outside to cubicles outfitted with outdated computers, uncomfortable chairs, and wobbly desks. They are instructed to clack mindlessly at their keyboards, then print out the gibberish they have produced, then deposit their print-outs into the bin beneath their desk. They repeat this process several times until it is time for lunch, which is provided to them in a brown paper bag: baloney on stale bread and tepid milk in a paper carton. When they are finished eating, if they even eat at all, they resume their clacking, printing, depositing. They pray for bad weather as that means they get to go back inside sooner. Unless their teacher says there are deadlines to be met, in which case they clack and print and deposit in the rain.

© 20221021



The Carver

The carver arrives, sharpening his knives. He instructs you to hold out your arm, from which he cuts a filet and drops it into his mouth. He chews for some time, then spits into his palm. The masticated lump of your flesh takes shape as a little version of you. It stretches its limbs, yawns, and then waves. The carver cuts a lock of hair from your head and places it on the head of the little you in his palm. Then he takes a smaller penknife from his pocket and slices a filet from the arm of the little you. He drops it into his mouth and chews. The carver has knives of every size.

© 20221020



Down the Mountain Came a Spider

Down the mountain came a spider as big as an elephant. It needed a home and offered its services to us: it would eat all the other bugs, it would spin its delicate web in the corners of our rooms, it would grow so big——double its already huge stature——that we could charge admission to view it. It looked at us hopefully.
   We explained to it that we didn't have room in our home. Maybe if it were a spider of the itsy-bitsy variety——
   "I have a glandular problem!" cried the monstrous spider.
   Down the mountain came a cave-dwelling hermit armed with a broom to swat the spider, which fled for its life.
   We've since reassessed our no-kill policy for the spiders in our house.

© 20221019



The Hungry Crow

A crow spits out its tongue so that it may have something to eat. It takes its tongue in its black beak and begins working it, but the tongue, being a tongue, resumes its residence in the crow's mouth.
   The crow considers eating one of its feet, but that doesn't seem appetizing. It considers eating a wing, but then it wouldn't be able to fly.
   The crow pecks at the bars of its cage. But it is still metal, not meat or fruit or anything at all edible. Then the crow spits out its tongue so that it may have something to eat.

© 20221018



The Button

There is a button on the wall. Above it a sign reads, Do not press the button.
   He looks around, sees there is no one nearby, then presses the button. He waits. Nothing happens, so he continues on his way.
   That night while sleeping in bed, he is awoken by an imposing figure dressed all in black. The figure speaks in a deep voice, "I am here."
   He rubs his eyes. "Who are you?" he asks.
   "I am the one who comes when the button is pushed. I am the servant," says the figure, who pulls tight the gloves on its hands.
   The man cannot believe his good luck. In his mind, he begins to itemize the next day's tasks for the servant: the laundry and dishes, raking the leaves in the yard, grocery shopping.
   "You are mistaken," says the figure. "It's not you who I serve."
   "Wait," says the man, sitting up in bed. "Can you read my mind?"
   "Yes," says the servant. "And unlike you, I can also read signs above buttons on walls."

© 20221017



The Bones

All the bones that had ever been buried in our town rose from the earth early one autumn morning. In the tumult, the bones mingled and paired off with other bones and formed new beings: the skull of a dog on the skeleton of a child; the spine of a man as the penis of a woman. Terrible bone creatures staggered out of cemeteries and yards onto Main Street, where they attempted coitus and fought and collapsed in clattering heaps.
   They appeared to mean us no harm but we took shelter in the library anyhow. There we discussed what we should do. We decided it would be best to lure the bones into the sea, which we did by enticing them with meat in the form of cattle that we led ahead of the mob. Only when we were near the shore did we realize that all the skeletal remains on the ocean floor had also risen in the form of a humongous, unholy bone leviathan that juddered above us, taller than a skyscraper and about to topple.

© 20221014



The Surgeon

The surgeon arrives fully dressed in surgical scrubs, their head and face covered, to speak with the patient. The surgeon's hands, which are uncovered, are not hands at all but monkey paws. The surgeon presses a strong monkey finger into the patient's exposed and freshly shaven abdomen.
   The anesthesia has begun to take hold, limiting the patient's ability to speak coherently. "Ooh, ooh, ahh, ahh," is all he can manage to say.
   "Ooh, ooh, ahh, ahh?" replies the surgeon.
   "Ooh, ooh, ahh, ahh," replies the patient.
   "Ooh, ooh, ahh, ahh!" replies the surgeon, excitedly.
   "Ooh, ooh, ahh, ahh," replies the patient, worriedly.
   The surgeon jumps up and down, clapping their monkey paws. "Ooh, ooh, ahh, ahh!" It is the last thing the patient remembers before the anesthesia pulls him under.

© 20221013



The Siring

His eyes descend into his scrotum and devour his testicles. He ejaculates tears. When he is put out to stud, he makes sad babies, feeble things with half-formed testicles for eyes, which get added to his feed trough. Because he is blind, he doesn't know he is eating his own. He complains of the taste and is whipped for it: he is told his offspring are no good and to try harder. He apologizes to the new dam assigned to him——a torso without limbs or head that feels to his hands like a giant kidney bean——and begins anew the siring.

© 20221012



Picnic

He climbs into the picnic basket and asks to be brought to a meadow. "You can eat me in the warm light of the sun while butterflies flit and float around you," he tells her.
   She moves him aside and searches the picnic basket. Gone are the cold chicken legs, the cheeses, the grapes. "You ate all the food," she says.
   "Yes," he said, "I was hungry."
   "Yet you never want to eat me!"

© 20221011



The Rooted Man

He was bedridden with illness. While he convalesced, his body sent roots down through the mattress, through the floor, through the basement and into the earth below. When it came time for him to finally get out of bed, he could not move. The doctor was called in, and she explained the situation, telling his family that he had put down roots. They asked what could be done; the doctor told them they could uproot him and transfer him elsewhere, but she warned that he may simply put down new roots there, too. They asked what she would do in this situation.
   "He's very low maintenance," she said. "He requires minimal water and sunlight, only occasional judicious pruning. I would leave him be and perhaps talk to him every so often. He would be a welcome addition to any home."
   "In that case, perhaps you would like to take him?" they said.
   "Oh no," the doctor said, gathering her belongings. "I can't keep anything alive."

© 20221010



The Dirty Brain

His brain had gotten too dirty so he put it in the wash. It came out clean, but when he put it back in, he couldn't speak. His mouth hung open and flies went in and out of it. His eyes gaped at nothing.
   He stood there for years, collecting dust, he and his brain slowly turning gray. He learned how to say da-da-da. He learned how to blink. Ambulation followed. His brain got dirtier by the day.

© 20221007



The Knife Sings in the Attic

The knife sings in the attic. He climbs up and tells it to quiet it down, but it only sings louder, the same coiling melody of unintelligible gibberish.
   "Do you want cigarettes?" he asks the knife, and the knife begins to sing louder, which he interprets as an affirmative response. He gives it a full pack of cigarettes, and the knife proceeds to smoke them all at the same time. The attic fills with smoke. For now, the singing has stopped while the knife puffs away. He goes back downstairs to his dinner.
   He tucks his napkin into this shirt and places fork to steak when the knife in the attic begins singing again, louder than ever. He goes to the cupboard, gets a fresh pack of cigarettes, and heads up into the attic again.

© 20221006



Four Keyholes

When he came to, there were four keyholes in his middle. He retrieved his key from his pocket and tried it in the first hole. It unlocked a small door he had never seen before. Inside was a small wax skull. He used the key in the second hole and another door opened: inside was a tiny three-legged fox. Unlocking the third hole revealed a china cup of steaming tea. And the fourth hole unlocked a door behind which was nothing. He allowed his finger to crawl inside this void like a searching snake. Without warning, the door slammed shut, severing his finger. He locked all the doors once more and threw away the key.

© 20221005



The Television Came to Dinner

The television waddled over to the dining room and watched them eat dinner. The evening news played on its screen.
   "Back to your post in the TV room," he said, but the television wouldn't move.
   "Maybe it wants to eat," she said.
   "Do we have any TV dinners?" he asked.
   "No, too much sodium," she said.
   The picture on the TV went loopy. It was then he noticed his glass of wine was gone. Then the TV tipped backwards, casting its blue light toward the ceiling. He reached over and turned it off.
   The next day, the television was back where it normally was, playing the morning show at an almost inaudible volume. It never came to dinner again.

© 20221004



The Chair Was Dying

The chair was dying. Its legs were wobbly; its arms shook. Its color had faded.
   He bent to kiss its seat, which had cradled his beloved's bottom so many times.
   He placed a blanket over its backrest then lowered himself gently onto it. The chair gave a squeaky wheeze and together they collapsed, his arms embracing the chair's arms embracing his belly.

© 20221003



The Shrinking Man

He finds himself growing shorter with each step he takes. By the time he descends the stairs to the kitchen, he is only as tall as the cat, which eyes him hungrily. The cat crouches and wiggles its tail, preparing to strike.
   "It's me!" he says, but it sounds like a mouse squeaking, and the cat's eyes grow wider. Without thinking, he runs back to the stairs only to realize, too late, that he is too short to climb them. He is cornered, so he runs in circles until he is small enough to fit inside a crack between the floorboards. The cat looks about the room confusedly, wondering where he has gone. He breathes a sigh of relief.
   There is a sound like stampeding elephants. He turns around and sees an army of ants scurrying toward him. He squeaks but there is no stopping them.

© 20220930



The Banana

A banana grew on the pine tree in the backyard. They approached it cautiously, as if it were an explosive and not a fruit, albeit an odd fruit. Then the banana began to ring like a telephone.
   "Answer it," she said.
   He plucked the banana from the tree and placed it to his ear. "Hello?" he said.
   "Hello? Whatever you do, do not pick the banana from the tree!" said a voice on the other end.
   He looked at the banana in his hand, then at the branch from which it had been removed.
   "Oh no," said the voice on the banana. "You already picked it, didn't you?"
   "What is one supposed to do when they encounter a ringing banana on a pine tree?"
   "Run away!" screamed the voice.
   Then the banana exploded and turned them into mist.

© 20220929



In the Cave

In the woods, they came upon a cave. They ducked into the cave's mouth and soon found themselves in darkness. He lit a match and in the brief time it illuminated their surroundings, they saw the opening to another, smaller cave within the cave. They crawled inside. Once through, they crouched and she lit another match: there was an even smaller cave ahead. They pulled themselves through the opening on their bellies. On the other side, it was impossible to stand or even kneel so on their bellies they remained. He struggled but eventually succeeded in lighting a match: they saw yet another smaller cave ahead.
   She could barely fit a hand into the opening. "In a week or two, we will be able to fit," she said. "Once the picnic we had in the forest is just a treasured memory and the water leaves our body."
   "I can hardly wait!" he said.
   "Soon, soon," she said.

© 20220928



The Dinosaur

A dinosaur clawed itself free from the earth where it had been buried for millions of years. It was in remarkably fine shape for its age, but understandably very hungry. It encountered a small mammal and bent to take it in its massive jaws when it felt something painful strike its body in many places. The dinosaur saw that it was bleeding. It scanned its surroundings and saw a taller mammal holding something in its hands, aiming at the dinosaur. The thing in the mammal's hands made a loud sound and spit fire, and the dinosaur was hurt again.
   "Don't come any closer!" the taller mammal said, with the smaller mammal now by its side.
   "Can you just let me know where I can find a woolly mammoth to eat?"
   "They've been gone for many millennia now," the tall mammal said.
   "What a terrible time to be alive," said the dinosaur. "How do you even stand it?"
   "Just barely," the tall mammal said. "Just barely."

© 20220927



The Dying House

Overnight, the exterior of the house faded from red to gray. They took stock of their home from outside. They placed hands on its clapboards; it was barely breathing. Who knew a house could die so quickly? They discussed next steps and decided that they would make the house as comfortable as they could in its final hours. They gathered all the blankets they had and all the blankets their neighbors had and they swaddled the home in them. They fed its fireplace wood and stoked the flames until it was too warm to stay inside. They set up chairs in the yard and sat beside the house keeping vigil. They hummed softly and caressed their home. As daylight faded and the moon took over the sky, they knew it wouldn't be long. The smoke from the chimney diminished to a wisp. Then the house gave one great rattling exhale. A gray plume puffed into the sky and slowly drifted up and away, like a tiny rain cloud returning home.

© 20220926



The Cannon Man

There was a man who dragged a cannon through town. Whenever he came across a building he didn't like, he loaded the cannon and fired at it. He would not stop reloading and firing until the building was reduced to rubble.
   One night while he was sleeping, some townspeople chewed a barrel's worth of gum and stuffed the cannon muzzle full with it. The next day, the man dragged his cannon to a building he didn't like, dropped in a cannonball and fired. The missile, stuck fast to the gum, launched and reached very near its intended target before being yanked back by the chewing gum. The man ran for cover, but his cannon was destroyed by its own ammunition.
   But the incident had given the man a new idea. He found a suitable tree and tied to it a sling, from which he could launch cannonballs at any building in town that he desired.

© 20220923



The Pigeon

A pigeon the size of a horse invades their house. They cower behind the sofa as the monstrous bird pecks about their floor for crumbs.
   "What did I tell you about feeding the pigeons?" she asks.
   "They seduce me with their cooing," he says.
   "Perhaps you should marry that one," she says. "I imagine it coos quite loudly."
   "But I'm married to you," he says.
   "I'm okay with you having another lover," she says.
   The pigeon drops a pile of white pigeon stuff onto the rug.
   "Goddamn it," he says.
   She gets up to leave.
   "Where are you going?" he asks.
   "Out," she says. "This is between you and the pigeon."

© 20220922



Fell in Love with a Ghost

He fell in love with a ghost that was living in the attic. He would steal away while his family was occupied and head upstairs to be with it.
   "When can I see you without that white sheet covering your body?"
   The ghost didn't reply, just shook its white sheet flirtatiously.
   Finally, he couldn't take it anymore and he pulled the sheet from the ghost, revealing a spectral version of his grandmother when she was a young woman. He recognized her from photos that still hung on the walls downstairs. It had once been her house, after all.
   "Grandma," he said. "I'm so sorry, I had no idea. I thought you were leading me on."
   "Leading you on? I came up here to get some peace! What kind of pervert falls in love with a white sheet?"

© 20220921



The Handyman

There was a baby stuck to the ceiling. They sat on the sofa while it vomited on them. The vomit had the consistency of oatmeal. First it was white, then red, then blue, then green. The dog jumped about trying to catch the spew in its mouth. They opened a window to air out the room and a bird flew in and flapped about in a puddle of puke on the floor.
   "Where did that sick baby come from?" she asked.
   "I found it wandering about the yard, eating grass," he said. "Probably why it's so sick."
   "Why did you stick it on the ceiling?"
   "Remember that hole we had in the ceiling?"
   "Not at all," she said.
   "Exactly!" he said. "Just imagine there is a hole in the ceiling, the exact size of that baby. Now imagine that hole has been plugged by a spare baby I found, for free."
   "You're quite the handyman," she said.
   The baby continued raining vomit down upon them. Now it was bright yellow.
   He opened an umbrella so they wouldn't be spattered. "I am, aren't I?"

© 20220920



Thirsty

Something was eating him up inside. It was a parasite, ingested while drinking contaminated water. He should have known not to drink from the tap when he turned it on and it poured out black. But he was thirsty and convinced himself it was refreshing black beer. And because it tasted somewhat like iron as some dark beers do, he drank greedily. And though he did not get drunk, he did collapse onto the floor so the effect was nearly the same. When he came to, his stomach was having a fight with itself.
   And he was still so thirsty. Why was he so thirsty? And the tap was still running. And it still looked like delicious dark beer. And his stomach was already roiling. So he pulled himself up to the sink once more and drank.

© 20220919



The Guitar

He brings home a guitar. When he removes it from the case and begins tuning it, the guitar begins to moan sweetly. He strums a couple of chords and it moans louder as if being massaged. He plays a scale and it giggles cutely. A few arpeggios and it begins to sing. The guitar writhes beneath his fingers.
   When it's over, he places the guitar back into its case and it returns it to the store where he bought it. The clerk asks him if there is something wrong with it.
   "I'm just a beginner," he said. "This guitar is clearly faking it."

© 20220916



The Rainbow's End

He encounters the end of a rainbow in a field of golden flowers. The rainbow is slippery but he manages to climb up it. He reaches the top of its arch and regroups. He is covered in all the colors of the rainbow, like a child that has made a mess of its fingerpaints. It is then that he remembers the pot of gold that awaits at the rainbow's end. Excitedly, he slides down the other side of the rainbow to capture the treasure. Colors fly around him like sparks. But as he picks up speed and nears the end of the rainbow, the air grows cold and he descends into gloomy night. He squints toward his destination below but cannot see a thing. And though he is prepared to die, he lands somewhere warm, soft, and wet. He feels his body for blood, broken bones, but he seems okay. "I'm alive!" he screams. And then the monster closes its mouth around him and begins to chew.

© 20220915



Grass Head

Grass began to grow where the hair on his head used to be. He watered it and it grew thick and green.
   A robin landed on his head and pecked about looking for worms. To his surprise, it pulled one from the grass on his head.
   A squirrel came next. It dug up an acorn and scampered away.
   He marveled at all the life that teemed on his head, which had previously been a desert.
   The gardener came next, dragging his old, gas-powered lawn mower. He yanked the lawn mower pull-cord a few times and the machine roared to life. Then the gardener lowered the blades and began to cut.

© 20220914



Veal

A cow walks into a maternity ward and asks for a cut of veal. It gestures toward a particularly fat baby in a bassinet sucking a pacifier.
   The nurse picks up the phone and calls security. "That cow is back again."

© 20220913



The Check-Up

The doctor tells him he's all clogged up on the inside. He tells the doctor that can't be true, he moves his bowels every morning.
   "I'm talking about your vasculature," replies the doctor.
   He stares blankly at the doctor.
   "Your arteries and veins," says the doctor.
   "Oh, that's okay——I can't draw or paint at all anyway. And I don't place much stock in my looks——if I had a vanity it would be covered in dust.
   The doctor stares blankly at the man.
   "Are we almost done here? I've got a date with a large pepperoni pizza."

© 20220912



The Pizza Man

A man approaches them. "I am the pizza man," he says.
   "Oh, wonderful," they say. "We'll have a large pepperoni pie, please."
   "No, you misunderstand me," the pizza man says. "I'm here to eat your pizza. I got my name because I like to indulge in pizza. A large pepperoni sounds good, thank you."
   "We don't have any pizza," they say. "That's why we were so excited to meet you, pizza man. About that name——it's a bit of a misnomer, don't you think? Man-who-eats-much-pizza would perhaps be more appropriate."
   "Don't change the subject!" says the pizza man. "Where's the pizza? I'm getting hungry!"
   "Have you tried calling a pizzeria?"
   "That's too expensive," the pizza man says, producing a gun from his pocket and pointing it at them. "And the only thing better than pizza is free pizza. So, how about that large 'roni?"

© 20220909



The Bomb

There was a bomb on their doorstep. They looked up and down the street to see who might have left it, but there was no one around. The burning fuse hissed.
   "Somebody must not like us," she said.
   "Or someone must really like us," he said. "Do you know how badly I wanted one of these as a kid?" He picked it up and brought it inside.

© 20220908



The Human Sprinkler

When he drinks water it pours out of his navel. Rather than let the water go to waste, he stands outside in the garden and drinks water there, where it can spout from his belly and water the plants.
   He is very thirsty and drinks a lot of water. He is still outside when his wife returns home and decides he makes a better water sprinkler than a husband. She instructs him to drink directly from the garden hose, then positions him here and there throughout the garden, ensuring that each of the plants get the water they require.
   He removes the hose from his mouth and asks when he can come back in.
   "We've another month of summer," she tells him. "After that, we'll bring you in for the season."

© 20220907



The Balloon Pony

The clown stands before the children. He stretches the balloon in his hands, preparing to turn it into an animal. He brings the balloon to his lips and blows. In a few deft movements, he shapes the balloon into a pony with a massive penis.
   The parents pull the clown aside. They tell the clown that the animal he made is not appropriate.
   "I don't understand," the clown says. "What child doesn't like a pony?"

© 20220906



The Spare Key

He arrives home and realizes he does not have his key. He lifts the doormat to retrieve the spare and finds instead steps leading down to the basement of the house. He descends the steps and encounters a small, stout man in a lab coat examining something underneath a microscope.
   "Excuse me," he says. "Have you seen a key?"
   The man in the lab coat answers, "Yes, but not one like this!" He gestures for the man to come over and peer into his microscope.
   He looks and sees his key dissected: inside is a skeleton, vessels coursing with blood. "Is that my key?" he asks.
   "No," says the man in the lab coat. "This belongs to one of your neighbors. Your key donated itself to science."
   "How did you get in here?"
   "With the key I found under the mat, of course."
   "And then you dug a stairway into my basement?"
   "A separate entrance seemed appropriate; I wouldn't want to bother you with my comings and goings. Now if you'll excuse me, I've work to do," the man in the lab coat said before escorting him back above ground and replacing the doormat.

© 20220905



In the Grass

She lay down in the grass. It embraced her, pulling her into its lush green depths. She could no longer be seen. The sound of ants walking filled her ears.
   The grass smelled sweet. She took some between her teeth and began to chew. The grass stirred and held her more tightly. She continued chewing; the grass against her skin grew prickly and stiff.
   "You'll get no satisfaction from me," she told the grass. "So just settle down and enjoy death."

© 20220902



The Windows

The windows need washing, but they think it better to keep them a little dirty so the birds don't fly into them. Time passes and the windows really need washing, but they think it better to keep them dirty enough that the neighbors can't easily pry. More time passes and the windows can no longer be seen through, but they decide it is better to keep them so dirty that the rest of the world disappears.

© 20220901



The Mailbox

He opened the mailbox and a tongue lolled out. He assumed it wanted stamps to lick but when he provided it with one, the tongue rejected it. Perhaps it wants to lick some envelopes, he thought, but when he provided it with one, the tongue rejected it.
   "What is it that you want, then?" he asked the mailbox.
   "Anything but more junk mail!" said the mailbox. "It's terrible for my figure!"

© 20220831



Fish and Coffee

There was a tiny fish in his cup of coffee. He fashioned a tiny fishing rod from a toothpick and dental floss. He made a little hook from a piece of metal and baited it with bread.
   He dropped the line into his mug. The fish took the piece of bread and he reeled in. Carefully, he removed the hook from the fish's mouth. "What do you have to say for yourself?" he asked the fish.
   "I would have preferred a donut!" said the fish. Then it squirted coffee in the man's face.

© 20220830



Nails

His fingernails were too long. We went to the garage for a hammer. She came home and found him trying to lift his fingernails with the claw end of the hammer. He was screaming in agony.
   "There's a better way to do that," she said.
   "I tried using the other end of the hammer already." He showed her his thumb, which was bloody and crushed. "It doesn't work either!"

© 20220829



The Cubed Earth

The earth, tired of being an orb, becomes a cube instead. Many people, places, and things fall off into space. Divisions arise between the survivors, who now occupy one of six sides of the cubed earth. Missiles are volleyed. Destruction reigns. The numbers of each side dwindle to one person each.
   "Finally, war is over," one side says.
   "Finally, no more blood," one side says.
   "Finally, there is peace," one side says.
   "Finally, it is quiet," one side says.
   "Finally, all is calm," one side says.
   "Finally, I am alone," the last side says.

© 20220826



The Flying Boat

A boat flies overhead. It is huge, its shadow long. It appears to be in danger of sinking: the crew onboard bail buckets of water over the side. The water falls like huge raindrops onto the spectators below, knocking over those unfortunate enough to be hit by it. All the while, a pair of men dangle from the side of the boat, frantically sealing a hole in its hull with what appears to be wood and tar.
   When the hole is patched and all the water cleared from the boat, the crew disappear from sight. Then an anchor is lowered, a black flag is raised, and the crew, now revealed to be pirates, descend on ropes, glinting blades held between their teeth. A blunderbuss cracks the silence and on the ground the first victim falls.

© 20220825



The Brain Pebble

Something in his head rattled. He tipped his head to the side and a pebble fell from his ear. On close examination, the pebble was revealed to be the shrunken, dessicated remnants of his brain.
   He dropped his brain pebble into a glass with water in an attempt to revive it. He watched as it grew like a sponge, soon overtaking the glass until it could grow no further. He transferred the brain to the bathtub where it could grow unimpeded. But there, too, it drank up all the water and grew too large for the tub. He brought it to the town lake in a wheelbarrow, dumped it in, and watched as it grew and grew, drinking the lake dry in the process.
   He marveled at the size of his brain. He was going to be the smartest man in the world! He just needed to figure out a way to get his brain back inside his head.

© 20220824



Worms Fill the Bed

Worms fill the bed. Where the worms came from is a mystery. The owners of the bed bring in many fish to eat the worms, but when they throw the fish onto the bed, they just flop about and gasp for air. Fortunately, it is a water bed, but when they slice open the bed, the water spills all over the floor. The worms continue to wriggle, and the fish continue to flop until they die. Because dead fish make great fertilizer, they bring in many barrows of dirt from the yard and pile it on top of the worms and the fish and the remains of the bed. They ponder what to plant in their new garden. Bright roses, lush hydrangea. They grow tired but lack a bed to sleep in so they sleep in the hole they dug in the yard to produce the dirt that now fills their room. They dream of sunflowers, tiger lilies, fish, worms.

© 20220823



Making Punch

Veins escape his body and bind him to his chair. His brain saws his head open from the inside and repels down his chest by means of his spinal cord. His brain puts the stopper in the sink and begins pouring all his liquor into it.
   "Making punch," his brain says, though he didn't ask what it was doing.
   His veins tighten around his limbs and torso. "I don't really drink anymore," he tells his brain.
   "Yes," says his brain, "but I do." Then his brain dives into the booze.

© 20220822



The Riser

He was sitting in his chair working when he began rising into the air. He waved to his coworkers as he rose above them. He broke through the ceiling and the roof and continued upward. Birds circled around him taking in the spectacle. He waved to them, too. Up, up, up he went. The clouds dampened his clothes and hair. He waved to the clouds.
   He passed the moon and waved.
   An asteroid flew by him and he waved.
   The sun beckoned. How many millions of miles away was it? Many millions. By the time he reached it, he'd be dead. It was still better than working, death.
   He looked back at earth. It was blue and alien from this height. He waved.

© 20220819



Inside the Cat

Inside the cat is a dog. The dog never stops chasing the cat, but because its paws are inside the cat's paws, when it runs so does the cat. The cat never stops running away.
   Until they collapse from exhaustion. Then they rest. The cat drinks water, the dog drinks water; the cat eats food, the dog eats food.
   Reenergized, the dog chases the cat. But because its paws are inside the cat's paws, the cat runs away.

© 20220818



Stay in Bed

He decided to stay in bed. He pulled the covers over his head. The cat clawed and cried to be fed.
   "Not today," he said. "Today, I stay in bed."
   His wife came to check on him. She told him he needed to get ready for work.
   "Not today," he said. "Today, I stay in bed."
    His doctor was sent for. He was told he needed to remove the covers in order to be examined.
   "Not today," he said. "Today, I stay in bed."
   "It's tomorrow," the doctor said. "Rise and shine."
   "There is no tomorrow," he said. "That's why today I stay in bed."

© 20220817



Dog Food

The owner of the dog food factory goes around collecting the town's unwanted children in a wagon. He makes it clear to them what will happen: they will be given a last meal before being ground up to make kibble.
   "That's wonderful," they say. "There's nothing that kid likes more than their dog. Though not enough to take it for a walk or pick its excrement off the ground, of course!"
   "Do you have any last words for your child?" the dog food man asks.
   The parents, noticing their child squirm and fret beneath the pile of other parents' children, say, "Sit! Stay!"

© 20220816



The Picture

He has a picture that needs hanging. He hammers a small nail into the wall. The wall cracks. The house groans and creaks. He quickly exits the house and watches as the wall he nailed collapses. The roof falls. The chimney crumbles. The house lies in ruins.
   He wades through the rubble and finds the picture he intended to hang. He places it on the approximate part of the house where he had intended to hang it.
   His wife arrives home and screams, "What happened?"
   "I finally hung that picture you've been after me about."

© 20220815



A Crab Wants a Steak

A crab wants steak. It goes to the farm where the cow lives. The crab climbs up onto the cow's back while the bigger creature chews its cud. The crab pinches off a chunk of cow with its claws——but it doesn't want a rare steak. It needs a fire.
   The farmer is burning brush in the distance. The fire is untended. The crab pinches the cow again until it begins walking toward the fire. When they reach the flames, the crab places his little steak into the fire, which incinerates it.
   The crab tries to coax the cow into the fire, but the cow will not go a step further. It just chews its cud.
   Meanwhile the cow thinks about how much it hates cud, how it hates eating the same thing every day. It recalls the trip it took to the ocean when it was a small cow, how it tasted seafood for the first time, and how delicious it was. Then it looks down and sees the little crab lost in thought, defenseless and delicious.

© 20220812



A Giant Came to Town

A giant came to town and cast his shadow all over the place. People threw rocks at him. He laid down on the ground so his shadow wouldn't darken everything, but now he was blocking a major thoroughfare. People threw rocks at him. He went to the woods, where the people left him alone. Children were raised to avoid the woods. There is a giant in there, they were told. He came to our town to blot out the sun, to ruin our roads, to eat us all.
   "But it isn't true," the giant said to no one. Then he ate another tree, miserably.

© 20220811



The Crack

A crack appeared in the wall. He asked what its business was.
   "To get your attention," the crack said.
   "Well, you have it," he said. "What do you need from me?"
   "A drink of water," the crack said. "I'm so thirsty."
   He gave it a drink of water. The crack doubled in length and width.
   "More please," the crack said.
   "I don't think so," he said. "I don't need you getting any bigger than you are."
   "But that's what cracks do," said the crack.
   "Do it somewhere else, then," he said.
   The crack relocated to the man's head. The man fell to the floor. The water his brain had been floating in leaked from the crack like albumen from an egg. The crack slurped it back up greedily and grew and grew and grew.

© 20220810



The Perfect Hole

He dug a hole but did not know what to put in it. He tried a rusty can of nails. That didn't feel right so he added a box of wigs. It still didn't sit well with him so he added an old television set. Something was still off: he tossed in a set of golf clubs.
   In the end, he threw everything he owned into the hole, including his house. Still wrong. He decided that he needed to sleep on it. He went into the hole, into his house, and got into bed. Only then did he realize that the hole was now perfect.

© 20220809



Ground Beef

He made a cow out of a pile of ground beef he had laying around. He took his time scupting it just so. In the end, after he painted it black and white, it resembled an actual cow. He stepped back and admired his work.
   The cow mooed. He gave it some grass to eat. The cow chewed the grass slowly. It swished its tail at the flies that buzzed near its rear.
   A man came upon him and the cow. The man asked to purchase the cow so he could feed his family. He agreed and watched the man lead the cow away.
   The man returned a week later and demanded his money back. He discovered that the cow was rotten after he slaughtered and skinned it. Overrun with maggots.
   "What did you feed it?" he asked the man.
   "I didn't feed it anything; it was going to be slaughtered in just a few days."
   "That's animal cruelty!" he said. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to report you."
   "Oh, there's no need for that!" the man said. "I'll be on my way." He tipped his hat and left.
   He himself went to the store with the man's money. There was a sale on ground beef that week.

© 20220808



The Better Neighbors

She arrived home to find him digging up the flowers in the garden.
   "What are you doing?" she screamed.
   "The neighbors were complaining about the smell," he said.
   She looked next door at the dilapidated house surrounding my mounds of garbage. The air in their yard was dark with flies. The owner of the house, a fat raccoon, waved from the sunken front porch.
   "I really wish Mabel was still alive," she said, referring to the elderly woman who previously occupied the neighboring house. "She would have kept that raccoon spouse of hers in line. The place has really gone to hell since she died."
   "Nevertheless," he said, "let us be the better neighbors." He yanked out another rose bush.

© 20220805



Broom Head

He didn't like his bald head so he replaced it with the head of a broom. He put his old head in the closet where the broom had been.
   He showed his wife his new head. From the keyhole in the closet, his old head watched her nod approvingly. Then she got up from her chair, picked him up and turned him over and began sweeping up the floor with his new head.
   When she was done, she carried him to the closet. "Oh, there you are," she said to his old head, which was perched atop some boxes. "I was wondering where you'd gone."
   "I think I'd like to put my head back on my body," his old head said. "I hate being bald but I hate being a broom even more."
   "But you make such a good broom," she said. "And you look so good set up on those boxes as you are, almost like a work of art on a pedestal."
   "Really?" his old head said. "Maybe you should put me out where I can be seen."
   "Oh, we'll have to think about that," she said. "We're simple people, after all. Not really the hoity-toity art-displaying types."
   "We do like our unassuming brown things," his old head said. "Our burlap collection, for example."
   "Yes, all folded neatly in those very brown boxes you're on top of," she said before grabbing their jackets, which were hanging in the closet."
   "Going out?" his old head asked.
   "Yes, to dinner," she said. "We'll be back early."
   "Bring me something back?"
   "Of course," she said. "We love a good brown bag."

© 20220804



A Leaf Falls

A leaf falls. No one knows it's a suicide.

© 20220803



The Knife Fairy

The knife fairy left a sharp blade beneath his pillow, which he discovered when he woke up covered in blood from his sliced hand.
   He showed the blade to his wife. "Look what the knife fairy brought me!"
   "There's no such thing as the knife fairy," she said.
   "Then explain how this razor got beneath my pillow."
   "You put it there for protection against intruders."
   He laughed. "I would have used it on the knife fairy if that were the case!"

© 20220802



The Shopping List

He needed to make a shopping list but when he put pen to paper the paper turned to milk and spilled off the table and onto the floor.
   He got down on hands and knees and began writing with the milk using his finger. Milk, he wrote, paper.

© 20220801



The Jigsaw Man

He woke up in a hospital bed, with tracks of stitches all over his body.
   "What happened?" he asked the nurse who was attending to a beeping machine beside him.
   "It seems you were turned into a jigsaw puzzle," she said. "You arrived here in dozens of pieces."
   He examined his feet; the left one was not there.
   The nurse saw the concerned look on his face. "Oh, that," she said. "Unfortunately, that piece was missing."
   "Ain't that always the way," he said.

© 20220729



Heatwave

There was a heatwave. It was too hot to go outside so they stayed indoors. But inside the house it was nearly as hot. They sweated through their clothes.
   "Maybe we should get inside the refrigerator," she said.
   He agreed it was a good idea. They squeezed inside the fridge.
   "We may as well eat while we're here," she said.
   He agreed it was a good idea. They ate the apples in the crisper, the cheese in the cheese drawer, drank the milk, devoured the hot dogs and the cold chicken. They ate everything there was to eat.
   "I'm still hungry," she said. "Are you?"
   He was.
   "Maybe I should eat you and you should eat me," she said.
   He agreed it was a good idea.

© 20220728



The Arm Garden

In the arm garden, fingers wave like fronds on hands attached to stemmy limbs. They stretch toward the sun, cup the water that falls on them from hose or cloud. When the sun is too strong and there is no water, the arms wilt. The wilted fingers root into the earth, where the arms end in clusters of nerves. They twiddle the nerves. It feels good, twiddling the nerves. The arms grow rigid from the twiddling, and reemerge aboveground, straight and tall once more. They stretch toward the sun, cup the water that falls on them from hose or cloud. When the sun is too strong and there is no water, the arms wilt. The wilted fingers root into the earth, where the arms end in clusters of nerves. They twiddle, twiddle, twiddle the nerves.

© 20220727



A Runner

As he runs his legs grow longer. Soon he is ducking under tree branches and power lines. Birds in flight zip past his head and curse him for getting in their way. He is nearly decapitated by a billboard. Still he runs and his legs grow. So tall is he that the air entering his lungs is cold while his legs are warm. Eventually he is choking on clouds and he cannot even see his feet.
   As he runs he thinks what a miracle it is that he hasn't tripped and fell.
   Then he trips and falls. As tall as he is, he falls for some time.
   When he lands, after he comes to, he begins pulling his legs back in, like a hose that has unspooled. With his legs gathered all around him, he notices that his feet are missing. Perhaps he didn't trip at all; perhaps his feet were cut out from under him.
   Just then his feet walk past him, looking blindly about as if lost.
   He calls out to them, but they don't hear him, being feet. Being feet, they just keep walking.

© 20220726



The Bed Screams

The bed screams as if in pain when he lies down on it.
   "Come on, now, I'm not so heavy," he says.
   "It was an existential scream," says the bed.
   "How so?" he asks.
   "You still exist and insist on lying on me," the bed says before screaming.

© 20220725



A Turtle Leaves Its Shell

A turtle leaves its shell for a day at the beach. It arrives at the beach, towel in hand, and everyone begins laughing at its strange little body. They tell it to go home to its shell. The turtle won't hear it. They tell it the gulls will eat it alive, but the turtle is unafraid. It spreads its towel, lies down in the sun, and closes its eyes.
   A gull swoops down, takes the turtle in its beak, and flies away. As they are flying above a small but lush island out in the ocean, the turtle tickles the gull's belly, causing the bird to drop it into the sea. The turtle splashes into the ocean in a perfect dive, then swims to the island. It walks ashore and takes in the silence of the uninhabited island. It lies down on the hot sand, closes its eyes, and lets the sun wash over its strange little happy body.

© 20220722



There Was a Bear

There was a bear. Bare trees swayed. Suede-jacketed hunters arrived. A river swollen from rain ran alongside. Sidearms hidden under clothes were raised. Rays from the sun blinded the men but not the animal. Mauled were the hunters. There was a bear.

© 20220721



Bird with a Broken Wing

A bird with a broken wing sits on a street corner panhandling. Passersby drop coins into the little hat it has placed at its feet.
   A veterinarian stops and tells the bird he can help with its wing so it can get off the streets. "Were you flying drunk?" the veterinarian asks.
   "Drunk? Yes. Flying? No," the bird answers. "I slammed it in a door."
   "Why would you do that?"
   A woman passing drops more coins into the bird's hat.
   "I hate flying," says the bird. "And I wanted an easy way to make money for booze."

© 20220720



Cards

He picked up the hand of cards he was dealt. He began to organize them.
   "Do not put me next to him," the Queen of Hearts said, gesturing toward the King of Hearts.
   "How many times do I have to apologize?" said the King.
   "I've met someone else," said the Queen, and kissed the Jack of Diamonds.
   "Of course you'd leave me for someone young and rich," said the King. "So superficial."
   "Superficial or smart?" said the Queen.
   The Jack began, "I'm actually not——"
   "Oh, shut up, you!" said the King.
   "Hey, are you in or out?" It was the dealer.
   He examined his cards once more. They bickered and cursed. "Out."

© 20220719



A Fetus

A fetus floated in the lightbulb in the ceiling. They turned the light off and unscrewed the bulb. They cracked the bulb like an egg and poured the fetus into a bowl. It began to flop about like a fish, so they added water to the bowl. The fetus swam about, happily.
   "Wait a minute," he said. "That's the dog's bowl."
   "I know," she said. She placed the bowl on the ground and whistled for the dog to come.

© 20220718



The Pineapple Baby

He presents a pillow with a pineapple on it to his wife. "Congratulations, it's a baby!"
   She reluctantly takes the offering. The pineapple rolls off and falls to the floor with a thud.
   "Our baby!" he says. "You knocked our baby's head off!"
   She throws the pillow onto a chair and brings the pineapple to the kitchen, where she takes a large knife from the drawer. "I'm gonna eat this baby's head, too!"
   "You just threw our baby's body away like it was trash," he says, cradling the pillow to his bosom.
   She pushes the knife through the pineapple. The pineapple screams and blood gushes forth. She stuffs a ring of the pineapple into her mouth; juices and blood run down her chin. She moans with delight.
   "You're not fit to be a mother," he whispers.
   "Where are you going?" she asks. "Come eat our delicious baby with me."
   "I'm going to the shed to construct a casket for our beloved baby."
   "There won't be anything left!" she says as he departs. She tucks in.

© 20220715



The Car's Guilt

The car drives upstairs while he is sleeping. It gets into bed with him. It kisses his neck with one of its tires. He does not reciprocate.
   The car is sad. It leaves and goes to the service station and drinks gasoline all night.
   In the morning, the car finds itself half inside the garage and half out. Its engine aches; its tank is dry. Matted fur and bloody flesh——animal? human?——are stuck in its grill. It has no memory of the night before.
   He comes down, dressed for work, and sees the car in its haggard state. He puts the keys back in his pocket, shakes his head, and begins the long walk to work.
   The car is racked with guilt. It will make it up to him that night. It will climb into bed with him, take care of him, caress him, sleep with him. The car just needs to pull itself together and shake off the previous night. It will crawl to the service station for a nip——just a nip——of gasoline.

© 20220714



Crow Learns to Paint

A crow learns to paint. It paints the sun suspended in a blue sky. Houses with curls of smoke rising from their chimneys. Trees with green crowns and exposed roots. An enormous fire on a horizon. A forbidding black castle on a hill obscured by mist. Missiles raining down from the heavens. An atomic mushroom cloud exploding.
   The crow's wife wonders why it doesn't paint nice things anymore.
   "I've outgrown all that stuff," the crow says. "I'm a tortured artist now."

© 20220713



Shaving 101

He enters the kitchen after his morning ablutions, his face a bloody mess. "I seem to have forgotten how to shave," he tells his wife.
   "I see that," she says. "Maybe you could take a refresher course."
   He signs up for a Shaving 101 class at the community college. All the men in the class have carved-up faces like his; the few women in the class are bleeding from the legs and underarms.
   The instructor, a large man with a voluminous beard, enters the classroom. The students are confused. He holds up the class textbook and with a flourish, tosses it into the wastebasket beside his desk. In a booming voice, he announces, "Forget everything you think you know about shaving."

© 20220712



Tornado of Teeth

A tornado of teeth rolls through town, tearing to tidbits everything in its path: cows are mowed, cars are chewed, houses are chomped, whole families masticated to mush. The tooth tornado appears unstoppable. It hovers over the town common, as if resting. It belches and clacks its teeth.
   Someone remembers the town simpleton——they pay him a visit and find him where he always is: sitting on his porch, chewing tinfoil. He howls when it zings his teeth and then laughs at the magic of it. Then he chews more tinfoil and the process repeats.
   "Simple Charlie," they say, "how much of that tinfoil do you have?"
   "'Bout a week's worth," he says, then opens his door to reveal the inside of his house stocked wall to ceiling with aluminum foil.
   "Simple Charlie," they say, "how would you like to be a hero?"
   "Mama says I'm too dumb for anything but sitting on this porch and chewing foil." He bites into a shiny lump and howls. Then he laughs.
   They begin hauling the foil out. They call the dentist, tell him to meet them on the common and to bring his drills.

© 20220711



The Gun

A gun showed up at the party. The other partygoers dispersed when it arrived.
   "I'm just a prop gun," said the gun.
   "Prove it," someone said from behind the couch.
   The gun fired up into the ceiling. Pieces of ceiling rained down.
   "I thought you said you were a prop gun?" the voice from behind the couch said.
   "Did I say prop gun?" said the gun. "I meant 'hired gun.'" Then it took aim.

© 20220708



The Stone Wall

The stone wall that surrounds our town came alive one summer evening. We were gathered to watch fireworks explode over the lake so no one noticed the wall gathering itself into a mountain behind us. When the fireworks display had ended in a dizzyingly colorful and ear-wrecking finale, we all turned to head to our homes but the mountain was blocking our way. One of us removed a stone from the bottom; that's all it took: the mountain began to shift, rumble, and roll over the gathered. Squashed like gnats. The lake turned red with blood. Those of us responsible for launching the fireworks were at a safe distance and watched all this unfold with horror.
   We rescued the survivors, some of them partially crushed and mangled; we smothered those who clearly weren't going to make it.
   The stones filed off, back to their rightful place, hemming in our once vibrant town, but a few stayed behind and wouldn't leave until we assured them there were no more fireworks to pollute the still, quiet night.

© 20220707



Insides Outside

His insides wanted out. A bit of intestine like a pink worm popped out from his navel.
   "What are you doing?" he shouted. "Get back inside!"
   "But it's so dark and wet in here," his guts said. "It's depressing."
   "I assure you it's horrible out here, too," he said.
   "But the sun feels so good," said his guts. "Can't we just hang out for a little while?"
   He sighed. "Only for a little while."
   His intestines unspooled at a rapid clip into a glistening coil at his feet. They basked in the sun. "Ahhh," they cooed.
   A passing dog sniffed, then licked, then began to devour his insides. His guts squeaked and squealed in pain.
   "I told you it was horrible!" he shouted.

© 20220706



He

He can make it rain, they said. He stood before them and spat on them all.
   He can feed us, they said. He carved off pieces of their own flesh and fed it to them.
   He can grant us knowledge, they said. He told them one plus one made three.
   He can save us, they said. He walked each of them to the edge of a cliff and pulled them back before they fell.
   He can give us life eternal, they said. He pushed each of them, naked, off the same cliff, relieving them of their wallets and purses from the pile of belongings they left behind.

© 20220705



The Letter

He received a letter in the mail indicating that he was to have his gonads removed. There was an address to which he was supposed to report on a specified date and time.
   When the time came, he reported to the address: a nondescript warehouse without windows, in an unfamiliar part of town. He rang the bell and was buzzed in. There was a sign that read, Gonad Removal Upstairs, so he went upstairs to a room where a woman sat behind a reception desk. He reported to the woman and she instructed him to take a seat in the waiting area. There was one seat; he took it.
   The woman at the desk called his name immediately after he sat down. "Follow me," she said, before leading him into a new room behind a closed door. When the woman turned around to face him, she was wearing a surgical mask and gloves.
   "You're the doctor as well as a receptionist?" he asked.
   "We're a small outfit," she said. "Please disrobe and lie on the examination table."
   "Why am I here?" he asked, removing his clothes.
   "For the gonad removal," the doctor said. "Surely, you read the letter."
   "Of course," he said, lying down. "That's why I'm here. But exactly why do you want to remove my gonads?"
   "Because you came here freely and clearly shouldn't be allowed to breed," said the doctor. And then she put him under with a sudden blow of hammer to the head.

© 20220704



A Baby

A baby was born and committed suicide shortly thereafter, leaving behind a note in its crib, which read: What did you expect?

© 20220701



A Baby

A baby was born and committed suicide shortly thereafter, leaving behind a note in its crib, which read: What did you expect?

© 20220630



A Grave

He wants to purchase a grave. The cemetery keeper, taking in the man's healthy appearance, praises his planning.
   "Oh, it's not for me," the man says. "I intend to be cremated."
   "For your spouse, then," says the cemetery keeper.
   "Oh, I'm not married," the man says.
   "For a family member, then," says the cemetery keeper.
   "Oh, I have no family left," the man says. "I'm just visiting your fine town."
   "Then why do you need to purchase a grave?" asks the cemetery keeper.
   "I've found that they come in handy when I go on vacation."

© 20220630



Thorns

Thorns begin to grow on her skin. She pulls the curtains off the wall when she passes them. She tears the sofa when she sits on it. She goes nude rather than ruin her clothes. The cat avoids her lap. She cuts herself when she bathes; the tub turns red with her blood.
   He can't help himself. There is pleasure in being pricked. His lips, his hands, his face, his fingers all bleed from caressing her. His wagging tongue flicks blood. She is happy to kill him slowly.

© 20220629



The Cage

There is a cage. There are bones inside the cage. The cage has a door. The door is open. They enter the cage through the open door. The door closes behind them and will not reopen. There is a cage and now their bones are in it, too.

© 20220628



The Trunk

When he opened the trunk to unload the groceries he'd just purchased, there was a man inside sleeping. The groceries were gone.
   He woke the man. "How did you get in my trunk?"
   "You must have bought me at the supermarket," said the man in the trunk.
   "I certainly did not!" he replied.
   "Maybe I was an impulse purchase in the checkout aisle," said the man in the trunk.
   "What did you do with all my groceries?" he asked.
   "Sorry about that," said the man in the trunk. "I got hungry."
   "It's a five-minute drive from the supermarket!"
   "Have you ever traveled in the trunk of a car? One loses track of time in a trunk."
   "I had a bunch of bananas——did you eat the peels, too?"
   "Would you have me throw them from a moving vehicle?" said the man in the trunk. "Someone might slip on them!"

© 20220627



The Wisdom of a Rock

A boulder with tiny wings attempts to fly. It cries when it cannot. It gives its wings to a pebble. The wings are too big for the pebble; it lacks the strength to flap them. The pebble cries, too. It gives the wings to a small rock. They fit perfectly, but the rock refuses them. It chides the boulder and the pebble: "Don't you know that the best part of being stone is sitting still and letting the world pass you by?"

© 20220624



The Brain Hat

His brain squeezed out through his ear and perched on top of his head.
   "What are you doing up there?" he asked his brain.
   "I'm a hat now," his brain said.
   "You make a ghastly hat," he told his brain.
   His brain put on sunglasses and reclined. "Don't worry, I'm working on my tan."

© 20220623



The Snake Trees

Here the tree roots are snakes that strangle dogs, that molest our youth, that bite and poison our elders. At night when they sink their heads back into the earth, we cut them off; but the heads crawl underground and reemerge months later in a different place as new growth.
   The snake trees grow so quickly.
   We raise an abundance of chickens and let them roam among the trees——bait——but the snake trees take their fill of the poultry flesh, then tear apart the rest for fun. It is cruel, our treatment of these chickens. More important, it is fruitless: the snakes still strangle, molest, and poison.
   Our community decides to pack up and leave the snake trees behind. So we do——all of us but one person who has always been supremely at ease among the snake trees. Some say this person speaks their language. This is doubtful. We leave this person, with their big machete, behind.
   We journey for several days and find new parcels of land where there are no trees. Our feet blister in the sun. The person we left behind sends a postcard advertising snakeskin boots for sale, luggage wrapped with beautiful scales. Coupons for 15% off are included; we fight over them, our feet bloody.

© 20220622



The Patient

Twist the head off when it dies. Apply glue to the stump to keep out the bugs and keep in the soul. Pour water on what remains, not too much, not too little. Cleave the sky to free the sun. Drink in the sun, you and the patient both.
   Await the reincarnation, the new life that's the same as the old but different. Then wait to die, you and the patient both.

© 20220621



The Fake Lemon

A lime wants to be a lemon. Yellow paint is purchased and applied. The lime is accepted by the lemons until the paint begins to flake and its green begins to show.
   An imposter in their midst. The lemons take up paring knives and carve the lime to death. They squeeze its juice into their margaritas, save a few wedges to squeeze on their tacos. The toast the dead lime——the fake lemon——then drink.

© 20220620



In the Field

Shards of robin eggs in a field of grass. A sunning snake belly-flops into the green. It tongues the residue of albumen from the egg shells. A hawk whose wife is a robin takes note from its perch high in a tree.
   Squirrels play hide and seek in the large skull of a long dead animal.
   Then comes us. Picnic baskets filled with the cooked legs of dead birds in tow.
   The hawk notes this, too.
   We throw a red blanket on the ground and sit. Not a minute passes before a robin passing overhead eliminates whitely on our fresh blanket.
   It is only after the hawk harries us and sends us packing that we notice the peculiar way in which the robin droppings are arrayed. On closer inspection they appear to spell a word: DOOM.

© 20220617



Spin

A child spins in circles, trying to get drunk. It spins and spins and drills itself into the earth, passing the creatures that live underground, passing the roots of the plants and trees, drilling through ledge and stone, boring ever downward.
   It stops spinning but in its head the world continues to whirl. It vomits, decides getting drunk is a terrible feeling. It claws back up into the world, into the sunshine.

© 20220616



The Cannon

A cannon emerges from the earth. Its massive barrel points to the sky. A curious passerby peeks into the dark hole of the barrel's opening.
   Their head is atomized when the cannon discharges.
   Another passerby wonders how the headless body beside the cannon came to be. They, too, peek inside the cannon.
   Their head, too, is atomized.
   Curiosity grows along with the pile of bodies. It rains head all day. The moles keep feeding the cannon ammunition underground. There the carnival gameskeeper hands out stuffed humans as prizes. The smell of cotton candy and fried dough wafts.

© 20220615



A Door Grows Arms and Legs

A door grows arms and legs. It frees itself from its hinges but cannot walk away because it is locked. The door asks the owner of the home for a hairpin. The owner, who is always drunk, thinks nothing of the door, now with arms and legs, making this request, and so gives it a hairpin, then passes out on the kitchen floor in front of the door.
   The door uses the pin to pick the lock. Now free, it takes a tentative step forward, but its new legs are weak and it falls to the floor, landing on top of the passed-out owner of the house. Its arms are too weak to lift itself up, so there it stays on top of the homeowner. It cannot move so it takes the bottle of whiskey from the homeowner's hand and drinks itself into a stupor before passing out.
   The homeowner finally wakes up, with no memory of the previous day. They free themself from beneath the door, which they hang back on its hinges. They note the frail arms and legs that have appeared on the door and head to the garage to get a saw and sander. The drunken door snores softly.

© 20220614



Fighting Words

His hand slaps his mouth. His mouth bites his hand. His fingers crawl into his stomach. His stomach digests his fingers. His fingers exit his body. His body mourns its missing fingers. His fingers run away; they pen a letter to his body: We'll be back. You're a dead man.

© 20220613



The Problem

"I think I've found the problem," the doctor said. He pointed to the man's X-ray. "You've got fried chicken on the brain, hamburgers in your heart, french fries in your fingers, pizza in every blood vessel. Frankly, it's a miracle you're still alive."
   The man began eating his hand.
   "What are you doing?" the doctor asked.
   The man paused his eating. "Enjoying an appetizer."

© 20220610



Minutemen

The child was reading about the American Revolution.
   "Why did they call them minutemen?" the child asked its parents.
   "They were very small," said the father.
   "And they finished very quickly," said the mother.
   "Finished what?" said the child.
   "Ask your biology teacher," said the mother.

© 20220609



The Meeting

During a work meeting, his belt left his waist and encircled his neck. The belt began to tighten; he felt his face flush.
   His manager was concerned. "Does this happen often?"
   He struggled to speak. "Only during meetings," he said.
   "We'll be brief then," his manager said, and continued the meeting.

© 20220608



Rain Inside the Nose

It rained inside the nose. The hairy man who lived inside opened his umbrella. The nose sneezed and out went the hairy man. The umbrella caught the breeze and the hairy man drifted through the air for some time. He landed on a woman's head and was about to crawl inside her nose when he thought better of it. He closed his umbrella and walked into her ear. He put his umbrella in the corner, made a cozy bed in her wax, and fell asleep.

© 20220607



Concrete Head

Concrete Head cannot hear so he drills holes into his ears to let in sound. Concrete Head cannot breathe so he drills holes in his nose to let in air. Concrete Head cannot see so he drills holes in his eyes to let in light. Concrete Head cannot speak so he drills a hole in his mouth to let out words.
   "What happened to the old Concrete Head?" people ask. "This isn't the Concrete Head we know," they say. "This hearing, breathing, seeing, speaking Concrete Head won't do."
   They patch the holes in his ears, nose, eyes, and mouth.
   Concrete Head cannot hear so he drills holes into his ears to let in sound. Concrete Head cannot breathe so he drills holes in his nose to let in air. Concrete Head cannot see so he drills holes in his eyes to let in light. Concrete Head cannot speak so he drills a hole in his mouth to let out words.
   "We want the old Concrete Head!" they shout when they see what Concrete Head has done. They ready the concrete slurry once more.

© 20220606



A Bunny Craves a Carrot

A bunny craves a carrot. It goes to the grocery store and finds a delicious-looking specimen before realizing it does not have any money to purchase it. The bunny attempts to steal it but is caught before it can leave the store.
   The security guard says he will let the bunny have the carrot if it agrees to clean the aisles whent the store closes that evening.
   The bunny, still nervous, drops a fecal pellet from its bottom onto the chair in the security guard's office.
   "You can clean that up, too!" bellows the security guard.
   "And then I can have the carrot?" asks the bunny.
   "What, and make more pellets on my chair? Not a chance!"

© 20220603



A Horse on Manback

A horse on manback comes to town. The horse is imposing, dressed all in black; the man is tired, as if he's traveled a long distance. The horse ties his man up to the post in front of the saloon, straps a bag of spaghetti and meatballs in red sauce to the man's face. The man eats almost without breathing so hungry is he.
   Inside the saloon, the horse leans against the bar and stamps its hoof. The bartender pushes a bottle of beer and a glass of whiskey in front of it. The horse picks the glass up with its huge yellow teeth and tips its head back to drink the whiskey, quickly followed by the bottle of beer. It stamps its hoof and the bartender procures two more drinks for the horse, which it drinks just as greedily as the first round. There is a third round, a fourth, a fifth, a sixth.
   The bartender points to the man tied out front, who is defecating on the sidewalk. "I think you best settle up and tend to your man."
   The horse stamps its hoof.
   "You've had enough," says the bartender.
   The horse urinates, a malodorous river that streams toward the exit, which the horse follows, clomping and splashing through the piss as it leaves.
   The horse rouses the sleepy, satiated man, unties him from the post, and climbs onto his back. Together, they ride out of town the same way they came in.

© 20220602



The Grass and Its Roots

The grass bends over and buries its blades back into the dirt. It meets its roots and falls in love. The grass asks its roots to marry it. The roots say yes.
   The worms attend the ceremony. A worm priest officiates the wedding. When the vows have been exchanged, the worm priest instructs the newlyweds to kiss, and they do. They ask for privacy so they can go about the business of making new grass. The worms close their eyes and leave the grass and its roots to it.
   For their honeymoon, they go somewhere warm and sunny. They die together in the blazing sun, happy.

© 20220601



The Weight

The child stapled fat to its body.
   "What have you done?" its parents screamed.
   "I was trying to put on weight," the child answered. "I'm being picked on at school for being skinny."
   "Yes, but now you'll be picked on for being fat!" they said.
   "What if I lose a little weight?" the child asked, removing a strip of fat from its middle.
   "Our poor child is wasting away!" they cried. They held each other and wept. The child stapled more fat to its waist.

© 20220531



The Rainbow Thief

He grabbed the end of a rainbow and pulled it into the window of his room. The colors began to melt and puddle on the floor: a swirl of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. The rainbow stained his feet; he left rainbow footprints everywhere he went. He was fined for vandalizing the town square, the grocery, the dry cleaners. The rainbow thief he was called. No matter how much he washed his feet, the colors never left. He couldn't go anywhere without leaving his mark. He protested when the fines and threats kept coming: What do you have against colors? Aren't I spreading joy? No, he was told, graffiti is graffiti, destruction is destruction, rainbows make a mess.
   So he stayed home and walked up and down the halls, wearing out his feet while waiting for the colors to leave them.

© 20220530



A Yellow World

They wake to a yellow world. The trees: yellow; the grass: yellow; the sky: yellow; their homes: yellow; their pets: yellow; they: yellow.
   They take this to mean that the world is dying. What does one do in a world that is dying?
   They paint the trees and grass green; they paint the sky blue; they paint the homes and pets and themselves any color that suits their mood. And for the moment, for several moments, they forget they are dying.

© 20220527



The Swimming Pool

There was a swimming pool in the backyard where previously there had been only patchy grass, dirt, and exposed tree roots. They did not know where it came from. A frog swam freely through the clear water.
   "Excuse us," they said to the frog, "do you know where this pool came from?"
   The frog took a break from its laps and back-floated over to them. "Yes, I had it built. It's wonderful, isn't it?"
   "Yes, it looks very nice, but you've taken over our yard and we can't swim," they said.
   "Oh, your yard was a scrubby mess," said the frog. "And I can teach you to swim."
   "We don't care about learning to swim and we're quite upset about our yard!" they said.
   The frog squirted some water from its mouth into the air. "The ocean is rising——you should really learn to swim."
   "The ocean can take us!" they said.
   "Oh, it will." The frog flipped onto its belly and resumed its laps.

© 20220526



The Bird Drum

He bangs the drum and a bird drops from the bottom of it and flies away. It returns with a rose in its beak for his love.
   He bangs the drum and a bird drops from the bottom of it and flies away. It returns with a leg of lamb in its beak for his love.
   He bangs the drum and a bird drops from the bottom of it and flies away. It returns with a bottle of wine in its beak for his love.
   He bangs the drum and a bird drops from the bottom of it and flies away. It returns with a baby in its beak for his love.
   He gathers the rose, the leg of lamb, the bottle of wine, and the baby and brings them to his love. She tells him she is allergic to roses, doesn't like the taste of lamb, can't drink wine, and hates babies.
   He tells her that he knows all this. They can pluck the rose's petals one by one, they can feed the wolves with the leg of lamb, they can smash the bottle of wine, and they can throw the baby into the river.
   She tells him that sounds like the perfect picnic.
   He bangs the drum and a bird drops from the bottom of it and flies away. It returns with a picnic basket filled with cold fried chicken and beer. They gather everything up and venture down to the river.

© 20220525



Meat Man

Meat man eats meat. Meat makes more of meat man. Meat man needs more and more meat. Meat becomes less and less. Meat man grows hungry and eats his own meat. Meat makes more of meat man. Meat man eats his own meat. Meat makes more of meat man. Meat man eats and eats and eats himself. Meat man grows and grows and grows.

© 20220524



Nougat

They needed nougat but didn't know where to find it. They swung the hammer through the walls but all that did was sprink leaks in the plumbing. They sloshed about the living and started smashing the television and the stereo; sparks flew but there was no nougat. They climbed onto the roof and ripped the shingles off in search of nougat but there was none to be found. He had a doozy of a headache; she was very frustrated.
   He rubbed his temples. "My head is killing me!" he said.
   "Maybe it's the nougat needing to be let out!"
   He handed her the hammer. "Make it count!"
   She gave him a great crack. He rolled off the roof and onto the ground. She joined him and saw that an army of ants were already marching into and out of his open skull, carrying the gooey white loot back to their anthill.
   "You've ruined everything!" she said.

© 20220523



The Rose Queen

A rose bloomed. Inside there was a tiny queen on a throne. She held a rigid man in her hand like a scepter. She gave the man a squeeze and he opened his mouth and began to speak: "Kneel before the queen."
   The gardener got down on one knee.
   "Is he proposing to us?" the queen asked the scepter man.
   "I didn't think it would ever work!" said the scepter man.
   "I'm not proposing," said the gardener. "I'm just being polite."
   "I've always dreamed of having a polite husband!" said the queen.
   "Why don't you just marry that fellow in your hand?" the gardener asked.
   "I could never marry someone shorter than me!" said the queen.
   "It's true," the scepter man said. "I'm very small."
   "Perhaps if I water you, you will grow," said the gardener.
   The scepter man began to speak but the queen squeezed the breath out of him, choking off his words. The rose closed.

© 20220520



The Drinking Glass

He broke a drinking glass. It was cleaned up and forgotten. Months later in the kitchen barefoot, he stepped on an invisible sliver of glass and began to bleed on the floor. He went to the podiatrist and told the doctor that his foot just started bleeding.
   The doctor removed the sliver of glass with tweezers. "You stepped on a piece of glass."
   He told the doctor about the drinking glass, about how it tried to kill him, endlessly full as it was with whiskey, demanding to be drunk.
   The podiatrist wrote a name and number on a piece of paper and handed it to him.
   "What's this?" he asked.
   "The hepatologist I'm referring you to," said the doctor.

© 20220519



The Sofa

The sofa won't let anyone sit on it. It bites them when they attempt to unburden themselves on its cushions.
   It eats the cat, which doesn't surprise them considering its history of scratching the sofa.
   The sofa makes its demands known: it wants to be covered in plastic.
   Won't that cause it to suffocate? they ask.
   "Yes," the sofa replies, "which is preferable to having your asses on my face for hours upon hours every day for the rest of my life."

© 20220518



A Closet Funeral

The closet choked on all the blankets they had stuffed inside it. They held a funeral for it and invited all the other closets in the house to attend, but not one of them came.
   "Did you give them the day off?" she asked.
   He rushed throughout the house, to the linen closet, the utility closet, the coat closet——they all were grateful for the day off, but not one wanted to attend the funeral. The utility closet, being a utility closet, was blunt: the blanket closet had it easy, a cushy life, slept the days away in comfort. No, there was no love lost for the blanket closet.

© 20220517



The Drunk Bird

A bird drunk on fermented berries flew into the window. It fell to the ground and stayed there.
   They brought it black coffee, but it refused to drink it. "I just need another berry."
   They told the bird it needed to sober up eventually.
   "Why?" slurred the bird. "There are millions of berries out there for the eating."
   They told the bird there were millions of windows, too.
   "Yes," slurred the bird, "but eventually I'll find one that's open in a home with a nicely stocked bar and then I can stop eating these goddamn rotten berries."

© 20220516



The Missing Dog

There was a dog crying beneath a streetlamp.
   "Why are you crying?" they asked.
   "I lost my dog," said the dog. It held up a MISSING DOG sign, with a picture of itself on it.
   "Isn't that dog you?" they asked.
   "It's my twin," said the dog.
   "You keep your twin as a pet?"
   "What else does one do with a dog?" said the dog. The dog affixed the sign to the lamppost, then went on its way, sobbing.

© 20220513



The Break-In

They arrived home to discover that the door had been broken in. There was muddy boot print where it had been kicked. They grabbed weapons——a baseball bat and monkey wrench——from the garage, and entered the house cautiously. They crept through the kitchen and into the living room, where they saw a gathering of squirrels eating from the bowl of nuts they kept on the table.
   "That's a relief," he said, pointing to the squirrels. "None of these squirrels are wearing boots."
   "You hear that clomping upstairs?" she said.
   "I spoke too soon," he whispered.

© 20220512



The Clock

It seemed he would never fall asleep. He looked at the clock: the numbers flipped to 1:11 and the alarm rang. He turned on the light. Gold coins poured out of the clock, piling up beneath it.
   The gold coins kept piling and piling. He was rich!
   The clock turned to 1:12. The alarm stopped ringing. The gold coins vanished. He was sleepless.

© 20220511



Shapes

He shaped himself into a square. "I am a square," he said.
   "That's nice," she said.
   He shaped himself into a circle. "I am a circle," he said.
   "That's nice," she said.
   He shaped himself into a triangle. "I am a triangle," he said.
   "That's nice," she said.
   He shaped himself into a man. "I am a man," he said.
   "That's debatable," she said.

© 20220510



The Open-Faced Sandwich

At the diner he ordered an open-faced sandwich. The waitress placed before him on a plate a closed-faced sandwich.
   "Excuse me," he said. "This isn't what I ordered."
   The waitress checked his order slip. "Sure it is," she replied.
   "But this isn't an open-faced sandwich," he said.
   The waitress removed the top slice of bread, revealing an open face. The pink muscles, tendons, and sinew glistened like rare roast beef. The wide eyes gave his lunch an appearance of terror, one that he felt he shared at that moment.
   She closed the sandwich for him. "Can I get you anything else?"
   "Just the check, please," he said.

© 20220509



The Hole in the Sky

A hole appeared in the sky. It was a perfect black circle punctuating the blue overhead. We stared into it, waiting for something to fall from the void.
   Small silver fish fell first. They looked like diamonds dropping from the sky. The gulls were pleased.
   Disembodied fingers with nails on both ends fell next. The dogs and cats feasted. As did some of us.
   The next and last thing to fall from the hole were more holes. Black circles that floated down like leaves, tumbling haphazardly toward us. We watched one fall on the priest's head and eat him from the crown down. We didn't attempt to save him, of course; we took shelter in our homes and watched the horror unfold, watched till the very soles of his feet were devoured.

© 20220506



The Head in the Woods

There is a large head that lives in the woods. It stands as tall as a house and has been there for so long, motionless, that people mistake it for a boulder that looks like a head with mossy hair. Only at night when no one is around does it wake, purse its large lips, and send out its seemingly endless tongue to forage for insects, animals, and vegetation on the forest floor. It eats so that it will grow a neck, then a trunk, then limbs, then hands and feet, so that it might uproot itself and leave the forest. But this never happens: the food it eats passes through it, directly back into the earth.
   The head is forever depressed, and so it sleeps. People climb upon it and take pictures. The head dreams of climbing, of movement, of touch, of laughter, of joy, of an escape that is never to come.

© 20220505



The Mannequin

He got a job as a mannequin, but his boss called him out for not standing still. He explained that he was fidgety because he had to urinate frequently. His boss got him a diaper, which worked perfectly. But now the pants he modeled didn't look as flattering.
   His boss took him aside during his lunch break.
   "Am I being fired?" he asked his boss.
   "No," his boss said. "But you're being demoted to a bathrobe model."
   "Hmm," he said. "That sounds like a promotion to me!"
   "Talk to me after the first snot-nosed kid comes by and flips open your robe for a peek," his boss replied.

© 20220504



The Windoor

The window turned into a door. He could no longer see out. He tried to open the door, but it was locked. He searched all throughout the house but could not find a key that fit.
   He wanted to see what was on the other side of the door, but to do that he would have to go outside, and he had not done that since he was brought home from the hospital and deposited in this house——this house, which until this morning had one window and no doors. Now it had one door and no windows.
   Outside is just the tree you used to watch, he told himself. With the red bird and the blue bird and the yellow bird and the gray squirrels all hopping and flitting from branch to branch.
   Or maybe the tree was gone, along with all the creatures that adorned it.
   He tried the door once more, but it still wouldn't open.
   He crawled into the fireplace and looked up the chimney; dark as it was he could see that he could not pass up through it. He sat in the fireplace, defeated.
   The red bird flew down the chimney and landed on his shoulder; the blue bird landed on his other shoulder; the yellow bird perched on his head; one of the gray squirrels curled up in his lap with an acorn. He sneezed and the creatures disappeared back up the chimney.
   He rolled the acorn in his palm. Then, after he dug up the floor, revealing the rich dark earth, he buried it.

© 20220503



The Refrigerator

The refrigerator ate all the food inside it, then got sick and vomited it all back out onto the kitchen floor. He arrived home tired and didn't notice the pool of vomit on the floor when he approached the refrigerator to get a beer. He slipped and fell, hitting his head on the floor, and knocking himself unconscious. Blood leaked from his ears and mixed with the sick.
   The refrigerator had eaten something bad and was weak with food poisoning. It fainted and fell onto the unconscious man, pinning him to the ground. Its mouse-chewed power cord shorted when the refrigerator fell and started a fire, which quickly engulfed the kitchen and the rest of the house.
   The refrigerator died; fortunately, it was under warranty. The man died; unfortunately, he wasn't.

© 20220502



Fire Inside His Head

A fire breaks out inside his skull. Faulty wiring. The firefighters drag their hoses inside his ears and try to extinguish it. Flames dance behind his eyes, water leaks from his nose. The raging fire is too much: the top of his head caves in and flames dance where he once had hair. Smoke-choked firemen spill back out of his ears gasping for air, soot on their faces, parts of them on fire.
   The fire chief will not risk any men. It's going to be a total loss.
   Meanwhile, he sees himself in the mirror, sees his head on fire, and finds this new look stunning. He can do something with this look; he can be somebody new. He is somebody new. It hurts, of course, but so do most things in life. He has never been hotter.

© 20220429



The Bird Sings

The bird sings. No mate comes. The bird sings opera. No mate comes. The bird sings ballads. No mate comes. The bird sings rock and roll. No mate comes. The bird sings heavy metal. No mate comes.
   The bird kills itself by flying into the nearest window.
   A bird comes and sees the dead bird. The bird sings a dirge.

© 20220428



The Food Chain

A grub eats the grass. A robin eats the grub. A cat eats the robin. A coyote eats the cat.
   The coyote waits to be eaten. It stays out later than it should, in places where it shouldn't, waiting to be eaten, but nothing comes to eat it.
   Finally, it knocks one someone's door.
   A tired man answers the door in his underwear. "I assumed you were the police, otherwise I would have bothered to put clothes on."
   "Will you eat me?" asks the coyote.
   "I would never eat a dog," the man says.
   "Am I . . . a dog?" asks the coyote.
   "Aren't you?" asks the man.
   "I . . . am. I am a dog," says the coyote.
   "Do you need a place to stay?" asks the man. "It's chilly out there this late."
   "It is," says the coyote. "And I do." The coyote enters the warm house.
   "Come in," the man says. He calls out into the night for his cat. "Kitty, kitty, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." When the cat doesn't come, he shuts the door. "Well, I'll introduce you to the cat in the morning——do you like cats?"
   "Oh, I love them," says the coyote.
   "Great," says the man, closing the door. "You two will get along splendidly."

© 20220427



On the Television

They turned on the television and saw much older versions of themselves staring back at them from the screen. Their hair was gray, their noses and ears bigger, but there was no mistaking it was them.
   The elderly he on the screen scratched his chin, and he could not help but do the same.
   The elderly she tucked her hair behind her ear, and she was compelled to do the same.
   He leaned over and kissed her, and on the screen the elderly he took dentures from the table, put them in his mouth and kissed the elderly she.
   She embraced him, and after much effort the elderly she turned and embraced the elderly he.
   He pulled her onto his lap and the two of them got amorous. He looked up at the screen and the elderly he swallowed a pill with water, then twiddled his thumbs, and waited. The elderly she took up her knitting and waited. They smiled mischievously.
   They smiled mischievously, too.

© 20220426



Invisible

A rabbit runs in circles in the front yard.
   "Come look," he says. "An invisible dog is chasing a rabbit."
   "An invisible dog?" she says. "Don't be silly. The rabbit is chasing an invisible carrot."

© 20220425



The Fluid

The hole is drilled in the head. The straw is inserted. The brain fluid is slurped. The colors are seen. The words are heard. The thoughts are imposed. The mouth opens. The voice screams. The fluid flies. The fluid atomizes. The mist is inhaled. It starts all over again: the colors are seen, the words are heard, the thoughts are imposed.
   The question is asked: what does the fluid taste like?
   It is bitter. It is sweet. It is acid.
   The mouth opens. The voice screams.

© 20220422



The Hair Nest

A squirrel took her hair while she slept, brought it up into a tree, and made a nest.
   It was the softest and best-smelling nest in the neighborhood. The other squirrels began to wonder what this particular squirrel did for work that it could afford such a nest. They had buried nuts alongside it all season and assumed it was a squirrel of ordinary means like the rest of them. Then they saw the bald woman outside searching for something. They put two and two together and accused the squirrel of theft.
   "It was not theft," the squirrel said. "I'm only borrowing it. I plan to return it at season's end."
   Season's end came and the woman's hair had grown back. It wasn't exactly long but all the squirrels thought it would make a nice nest. One of them boldly crept into her room at night and took away her new hair. Now there were two soft and wonderful smelling nests in the trees.
   The other squirrels were envious——and angry. "The neighborhood is changing," they said. The bald woman searched for her missing hair.

© 20220421



Sand

They lie in bed. Sand pours out of their mouths, noses, ears, and rears. They make the most of it by blowing the roof off the house to feel the blazing sun and letting the tub overflow till the water laps the soles of their feet.
   But they cannot eat anything without sand getting into the food. They open their mouths to take a bite of sandwich and the sand pours over their lips and onto the bread and meat. They throw it into the water and make another sandwich but it is the same: sand.
   Perhaps this is why they call them sandwiches, they think.
   They throw it into the water and make another.

© 20220420



A Lion, a Lamb

A lion approaches with a lamb in its mouth. The lamb has a small lion in its mouth. In the small lion's mouth is a smaller lamb. In the smaller lamb's mouth is a smaller lion.
   In this tiny lion's mouth is a man, tending to a fire, over which is a spit, on which roasts a baby.
   You reach in to rescue the tiny baby, which you nearly crush with your fingers. On closer inspection, you realize that the baby is actually a doll of the sort that urinates. You hand it back to the man, who returns it to the spit, and stokes the flame.
   Meanwhile, a lion approaches with a man in its mouth.

© 20220419



Raining Inside the Egg

It was raining inside the egg. There were no umbrellas. It was miserable for the thing inside the egg.
   In frustration, the thing inside the egg began to smash its head against the egg. The egg began to crack. The thing inside the egg broke free.
   It was raining outside the egg, too. There were umbrellas, but they were too expensive or too big for the thing that had been inside the egg. So the thing that had been inside the egg made an umbrella out of a toothpick and the top of the egg shell.
   It was perfect.
   The fox that ate it along with the thing that had been inside the egg thought so, too.

© 20220418



The Twin Tail

He grew a tail, which grew a human: his twin. They were tethered by the tail they shared. They used the tail to hang their laundry to dry. Some of the neighborhood children used it as a jump rope. An army of ants used the tail as a bridge (or a hammock on their days off).
   The twins grew weary of being attached by their tail. They wanted to roam on their own, to go off somewhere and be alone with their thoughts. They agreed it was time to separate. Out came the shears, snip went the tail.
   "See you around," each said to the other. They went their separate ways.
   Months later, they reunited.
   "How was your adventure?" each asked the other.
   "When I arrived at my destination, the people there called me a freak because of my tail," each said to the other.
   They agreed to stitch their tail back together again, which they did. But now their tail drooped when they hung laundry, it dragged the ground when children used it as a jump rope, and the ants gnawed the tender scar where they had been rejoined. Nothing was the same. They spent the rest of their days sitting on the ground, on their tail, with their backs to each other, in silence.

© 20220415



A Cloud Takes Up Smoking

A cloud takes up smoking. It wants to look cool, but nobody notices it puffing away. They just ask the cloud if it's gained weight. The rudeness of this line of inquiry makes the cloud so distressed that it starts smoking more and more.
   "Huge," they say.
   "What a shame," they say.
   "Depressing," they say.
   "Out of control," they say.
   The cloud hears the whispers, smokes ever more.
   Then the cloud gets cancer. It grows black and withers, rains down its stockpile of cigarettes. Children pick them up and secret them to the woods, where they learn the pleasures of smoking, the pain that it brings. They laugh smoke.

© 20220414



The Arm

There was a man with a hairy arm protruding from his mouth shopping at the grocery store. He walked up and down the aisles, checking a list; every so often, he paused and the arm in his mouth grabbed something from the shelves and dropped it into the cart. Then the man crossed the item off the list.
   A clerk stocking the shelves noted the arm and asked the man if he was okay.
   "Oh, yes," the man said, his speech garbled by the hairy arm protruding from his mouth. "Just taking my brother shopping."
   The hand on the end of the arm waved.
   "Is your brother okay," the clerk asked, gesturing to the arm.
   "Oh, he's fine," the man said. "I ate him is all."
   "Why did you do that?" the clerk asked, his eyes wide with horror.
   "Because the bastard neglected to do the food shopping this week!"
   The hand on the end of the arm dropped a can of beef stew into the cart. Then the brothers headed for the deli counter.

© 20220413



The Brain

There was a brain watching television on the sofa. A sex scene came on the show it was watching, and the brain turned around so it wouldn't witness the fornication. When the moaning and kissing sounds subsided, the brain turned back around and continued watching the program.
   Violence blared from the screen: gunshots and screams. The brain once more turned around so as not to witness the bloodshed. When all was calm on the television, the brain turned back around to watch it.
   The TV show transitioned to a raucous party of clinking glasses, laughter, and smoking. The brain turned around to avoid seeing the carouse. When the party ended, the brain turned back around to view the screen.
   "What a prudish brain," he said.
   "On the contrary," she said. "The occipital lobe is in the back of the brain. It's obsessed with sex, drugs, and violence!"

© 20220412



The Whale

A man is swallowed by a whale. Finding his new surroundings much more capacious than his own apartment, he decides to make it his new home and begins outfitting the whale's belly to his liking. He hangs wallpaper, sets down hardwood floors, and installs a library with the type of sliding ladder he's always coveted. His work complete, he sits down in an oversized leather easy chair, pours a whiskey, and opens a book.
   Then water rushes into his new home, along with hundreds of small fish that the whale has swallowed. The chair he is sitting in rises to the top of the whale's stomach, which presses against his head. He refuses to be annoyed. He holds his book above the brine and begins reading: Call me Ishmael.

© 20220411



Lips

He was tired of his thin lips so he sewed two steaks onto them for a fuller appearance.
   "How do I look?" he asked his wife before leaning in for a kiss.
   "Horrible," she said. "Repulsive," she added.
   "Would chicken be better?" he asked. "I was concerned about salmonella."
   She pushed him away. "I'm vegetarian."
   "Ah, that's right," he said, heading toward the kitchen.
   "What are you doing now?" she asked.
   "Trying on the eggplant!" he said.

© 20220408



The Line

A line appears on his leg. He watches it extend down his shin, to his foot, and continue outward at a rapid pace. He follows the line out the door, down the street, through the center of town, and to the outskirts, where the line crawls up the leg of another man, terminating in the stranger's crotch.
   "I think you took my line," the first man says.
   "On the contrary, my line has returned to me," the other man says.
   "I don't steal," the first man says.
   "I don't share," the second man says.
   "I won't be falsely accused," the first man says. "That is where I draw the line."
   "The line draws itself. It drew you here, did it not?" the second man says.
   "Yes, but to what end?" the first man says.
   "My end," says the second man, before bludgeoning the first man's head.

© 20220407



The Doormat

There was a note where the doormat had been. Dear John, it read, I'll never let you walk all over me again.

© 20220406



The Door Was Nailed Shut

The door was nailed shut. It wouldn't budge. An empty whiskey bottle lay on the ground.
   He turned to walk away. "Don't bother," he said to the person approaching. "The door got hammered again."

© 20220405



The Attic Window

A ghostly face appeared in the neighbor's attic window. He had never seen this face before and went to report it to his neighbor.
   "You're mistaken," the neighbor said. "There is no attic in this house."
   He took the neighbor outside and showed him the window with the face just below the roof of the house.
   "That's the basement," the neighbor said. "We made some renovations when we moved in, chief among them moving the basement upstairs."
   "So your attic is now where the basement used to be?" he asked.
   "Oh, no," the neighbor said. "The attic was haunted so we got rid of it entirely."

© 20220404



The Man Who Turned to Stone

He was turning to stone, graying and hardening from the skin inward. His fingers were the first to petrify. He delighted in tapping his now useless digits on the sides of glasses.
   Each day she noted a new spot of stone. "Your earlobe is going!" she said.
   "Kiss it goodbye!" he said. And she did.
   The transformation unfolded slowly, over months. He put himself in the corner by the window, positioned as a chair, with his back against the wall and his lap a seat for sitting. He got settled just in time: he could no longer move.
   She placed a cushion on his hard lap. "You're really going now," she said.
   "I am, I am!" he said. "Kiss me goodbye!" And she did.

© 20220401



The Eagle-Headed Cat

An eagle-headed cat took up residence in the basement. They weren't perturbed——what better beast to rid them of rodents——but the eagle-headed cat seemed averse to hunting. Instead, it filled its days reading through the musty, mouse-bitten encyclopedia that had been left in the basement by the house's previous owner.
   "Huh!" the eagle-headed cat would exclaim, as if learning some interesting tidbit about ancient Athens or the planet Mars or Triceratops.
   They decided to let the creature be, education being something they both strongly believed in.
   One day, the eagle-headed cat came upstairs and asked if it could get a cup of Earl Grey tea. They had only black tea on hand.
   "It will do," said the eagle-headed cat. "Perhaps all the better to truly awaken my mind on this dreary day!"
   They prepared the tea and poured a cup for the eagle-headed cat. How did such a unique creature come to be? they wondered aloud.
   The eagle-headed cat took a cautious sip. "That's precisely what I intend to learn in my learned dungeon." Another sip. "And when I do, I will hunt that being down and demand an explanation. A long greedy gulp from the steaming cup. "Marvelous tea," said the eagle-headed cat, before descending once more into the basement.
   "Huh!" they said.

© 20220331



The Black Mists

A black mist floated toward them in the woods, interrupting what had been a pleasant ramble along easy trails. It stopped just a few feet before them; it became agitated, roiling and hissing. Small bolts of lightning shot out of it; puffs of smoke rose from the ground in their wake. One of the bolts passed between their heads.
   "We should go," he said.
   "Yes, we should go," she said.
   They turned to run but there was another black mist in their path. The lightning bolt that had shot between them protruded from this other mist like an archer's arrow. Black liquid dripped from it, creating dusty globules on the forest floor.
   They moved aside, off the trail, and ducked behind a boulder. They peered over; the mists were moving toward each other. They huddled together with their backs against the cool granite. The mists began to moan.
   "They're fighting," he said.
   "They're making love," she said.
   The moaning stopped. Then came a rumble of thunder. Then the sky began to pour down rain.

© 20220330



Dig for Meat

They went digging for meat in the cemetery. Everything they dug up was rotten.
   At the next town meeting, they alerted all in attendance to the issue. "Our soil is troubled," they said. "It will not bear meat."
   Had they tried hunting?
   "We prefer nonviolence," they said. "We prefer to raise our food from the earth."
   Why did they choose the cemetery to go digging for meat?
   "It's where we planted our seed," they said, "being a quiet and well-tended expanse that lends itself to amorous feelings when the light lands softly on a summer evening."
   The townspeople gasped. Poor grandmother, they thought, poor grandfather.

© 20220329



Bricks

He warmed a brick for dinner. The aroma filled the house. He only wished she were here to enjoy it with him. But her guts had been torn apart from all his delicious bricks and she had died.
   "You make the best bricks," she used to say. Otherwise, they ate intently, with only the sound of crunching and broken teeth being spit onto their plates breaking the silence.
   When she'd fallen ill, he'd begun stewing and then boiling the bricks to soften them. But she preferred them crisp, straight from the frying pan, so that is what he gave her. The blood from inside her mixed with the red clay of the brick, which mixed with the exciting red of her lipstick. She never stopped smiling, up till the end, when he fed her half-spoonfuls of crushed brick, slurried with a few drops of bourbon. He did his best to keep her full and numb her pain.
   "You make the best bricks," she said, her voice no more than a cracked whisper.

© 20220328



The Mountain

They begin their ascent. The mountain stretches before them. They climb for days, rationing their food and water. They estimated one week to reach the summit, but a week passes and the mountain still stretches before them. They look down; all is clouds.
   They continue to climb.
   A skull rolls past. Then another skull and another.
   They continue to climb. The mountain stretches before them.
   A skull rolls down and stops at their feet. They pick it up, gaze into the black holes of its eyes. Inside is a lush green forest. Primates laze in the trees.
   They kiss the skull. The mountain rumbles beneath their feet. Then comes the first rivulet of lava. The mountain stretches before them.

© 20220325



His Face

He was walking down the street when a stranger approached him and punched him in the face.
   "Why the hell did you do that?" he asked, holding his tender nose.
   The stranger took out their wallet, opened it, and handed the man twenty dollars.
   "What's this for?" he asked.
   "So you can buy a mirror and have a look at your face," the stranger replied. "Then you'll understand why I punched you."

© 20220324



The Goldfish

There was a goldfish in the toilet. He flushed it away. The water returned and and now there were two fishes swimming in it. He flushed the toilet again, and the fishes went away. But when the water returned, it brought with it four fishes.
   Flush.
   Now there were eight fishes.
   He got a stick of dynamite, lit it and dropped it into the toilet, and flushed. And then the water returned; with it came sixteen fishes and two lit sticks of dynamite.

© 20220323



The Things from the Door

She wanted to hide. She pressed herself against the wall and turned into a door. He came along, noticed this new door, and opened it. Out tumbled gray clouds, clumps of cat fur, crusts of bread, and clean bed sheets. He attempted to stuff everything back in, but the detritus resisted; it evaded him and began to venture out into the rest of the house.
   He closed the door. Slow black blood began to leak out from beneath it. The things from the door knocked about in the kitchen, chirping like tiny birds. He wished she were here. She would know what to do.

© 20220322



Peanuts

He opened a peanut shell.
   The peanuts inside screamed.
   "What's wrong?" he asked the peanuts.
   "How would you react if someone ripped your house apart?" the peanuts said.
   "Angrily," he said.
   "So you understand, then," the peanuts said.
   "Sure," he said. "You could probably use a beer."
   "Boy, could we," said the peanuts.
   "Bottoms up," he said, then popped the peanuts in his mouth and washed them down with a swig of suds.

© 20220321



The Habit

As he got older, he got into the habit of going to bed and waking up earlier. So it was that he went to sleep at eight in the evening and woke up at five in the morning. Soon he was asleep by six and awake by three. Then in bed by four and rising at one. It got to the point where he was fitting twelve days into the span of one.
   It was exhausting, all that life.
   So he began going to bed and waking up later. The day seemed endless, yet it felt like he was sleeping his life away.
   It was exhausting, all that living, all that sleeping.

© 20220318



Hole in the Face

There was a large hole in his face that wasn't there the day before. He went to the doctor, who told him his face was broken and that he should find the missing piece and glue it back.
   He went back home and searched everywhere for the missing piece of his face, but could not find it anywhere. He went to the refrigerator and fashioned a piece of face from a ham steak. It gave his cheek a nice rosy cast. This will do nicely, he thought. But after a few days, the ham began to go bad, turning green and smelling foul. He threw it away.
   He stuffed the hole full of cotton and rags. It didn't look great, but it wouldn't spoil and draw flies. What it did attract, however, was a small bird, who made a nest there. Soon it had laid eggs and hatched them. Now he had a small avian family on his face. They chirped and cheeped all day long.
   He went back to the doctor, who was concerned that his face was still broken. The doctor consulted his chart, thought for a moment. "Have you tried a piece of ham?"

© 20220317



Finger in the Fan

The child put its finger into the fan. Off went the finger.
   The child ran to its parents, screaming, blood spurting from the nub. The child explained what happened when asked.
   "Why would you do that?" they asked, wiping blood from their faces.
   "The fan told me to," the child said between wails.
   "If the fan told you to stick your finger in its blades, would you do it?" they asked, dodging blood.
   "No!" said the child. "I mean, yes!"
   He pulled her aside. "How old is this kid again?"
   "Nearly a teenager, I think," she said.
   "Just as I feared," he said. "The terrible teens. We're doomed."

© 20220316



A Robbery

A lobster robs a bank. "Okay," says the lobster, "this is a robbery. Gimme all your money. I want it in small bills: sand dollars."
   "We don't have any sand dollars," one of the tellers says. "They're not actual currency."
   The lobster raises its gun. "Tell that to the shark who's gonna break my ten legs if I return empty-clawed!"

© 20220315



The Other He

He pulled back the covers to get into bed, but he was already there, sleeping soundly. He tried to wake himself——he shook, he tapped, he pinched——but he wouldn't rouse. In fact, his snoring intensified. Resigned, he got into bed with himself. He was so exhausted that he promptly fell asleep.
   He was woken in the middle of the night by his——the other his——erection pressing against his buttocks. He——the other he——still snored loudly.
   He got out of bed, filled a pot with water, and dumped it on the intruder. The cold water had no effect: the other he continued snoring.
   He took his gun from the nightstand, took aim, and fired. A sharp pain shot through his——the real his——chest. He looked down: blood poured from where his heart had been. He staggered to the bed, climbed in, and expired.
   He——the other he——woke up some time later, refreshed. It was the first night in years he had slept through the night without having the terrible nightmare of being murdered in bed.

© 20220314



The Smoothness

One morning, he woke up and headed to the bathroom as usual and was frightened to discover he was now smooth in the place where his genitals had been. There was not even a hole through which to urinate.
   He went to the kitchen to get a corkscrew. He worked it into the smoothness as if it were a bottle of wine. But when he had opened himself, nothing came forth but a single spider, which spun a thread and began descending toward the floor. In amazement, he watched it lower itself onto his foot, where it trekked about, exploring. Finally it stopped. And then it bit him. The pain shot up his instep, up his shin, past his knee, to his thigh, and gathered like a fireball in the hole where his genitals once were, where now it was smooth.
   He screamed in pain, and an army of tiny spiders poured forth from his opening, falling into the toilet bowl, where they splashed and played like children in a swimming pool.
   He was beginning to feel unwell.

© 20220311



The Hat

He found a large hat in the closet of the dead man. When he put on the hat and pulled it down low over his eyes, he was transported somewhere else: to prehistoric times, where dinosaurs stampeded. He lifted the hat before the terrible giant lizards crushed him.
   He couldn't resist pulling the hat down again. This time he was suspended in the cold dark sea, with sharks swarming around him. He lifted the hat and gasped for air, dripping briny water.
   Still, he couldn't resist pulling the hat down again. This time he was transported to the very closet where he had found the hat.
   The dead man was there, grabbing his coat. "You shouldn't be wearing that," the dead man——who was very much alive——said, before grabbing the hat from his head. And then both he and the dead man were gone, and there was nothing.

© 20220310



The Handle

There is a handle on the side of his head. When they first dated, his wife thought it was cute. In middle age, she still thinks it's cute. But mornings, when they wake groggy, she mistakes him for her mug of coffee and knocks her teeth against his hard head while attempting a sip of him.
   "Maybe I should just get my handle removed once and or all," he says.
   "But it's so cute!" she says, checking her teeth for wiggles.
   So one night while she is sleeping, he slips into the garage where he keeps his tools. He finds the hacksaw and takes off the top of his head. He slips back into bed, but not before setting up the coffee maker on his nightstand.
   In the morning, while she is still sleeping, he starts the coffee dripping. Just as the carafe is almost full, the smell of the fresh coffee rouses her. He pours the hot coffee into his open head.
   He smiles at her as she yawns. She smiles back, kisses him, and reaches for the handle.

© 20220309



Sleep Forever

He was excited to sleep forever, finally. He said his goodbyes, got into bed, drank the stuff the doctors had given him, and went to sleep.
   He woke up in darkness. He felt his face; it was ice cold. He felt his neck——no pulse, wearing a tie. And, he thought, a suit.
Instinctively, he felt in his jacket pocket for a lighter, found a lighter, and flicked it. He was definitely in a suit, definitely in a coffin, definitely dead.
   He saw eternity stretching before him, with nothing to do whatsoever, a life inside the head, alone.
   He smiled.

© 20220308



One Special Cat

A car crashed into their house. They ran outside and found a cat behind the wheel, a bottle of whiskey spilling in its lap. The cat snored lightly.
   "I didn't know cats could drive," he said.
   "I didn't know cats drank whiskey," she said.
   They agreed it was one special cat.
   "If we get it to stop drinking, we could hire it as our personal chauffeur," he said.
   "If we get it to stop driving, we could hire it as our personal bartender."
   The cat woke up with a start and took in its surroundings. "Your house hit my car!"
   "I didn't know cats could speak," he said.
   "I didn't know cats could make preposterous claims," she said.
   They agreed it was one special cat.

© 20220307



The Smoking Cow

A cow hides in the bathroom of the town library, smoking cigarettes.
   A child enters the bathroom. "You shouldn't smoke," it tells the cow. "And you definitely shouldn't smoke in a library."
   "I already got kicked out of high school," says the cow between puffs. "Where else am I supposed to smoke?"
   The child thinks. "On a street corner, or perhaps in a barroom."
   "I don't drink," said the cow. "What's more, I'm agoraphobic."
   "Agora-what?" says the child.
   "We're in a library——go look it up and leave me to my smokes." The cow puffs away.

© 20220304



The Skull Gift

He is given a skull. The skull fills with black blood. He drinks the blood and waits for something to happen.
   The only thing that happens is he gets sick. The blood spills from his mouth back into the skull, which he empties into the toilet.
   He thinks, What a terrible gift, as the skull once more fills with black blood.

© 20220303



The Man on a Leash

There was a man on a leash tied to a light pole. He squatted on his haunches and occasionally scratched his ear with his sneakered foot.
   "Are you all right?" a passerby asked.
   "Just waiting for my dog to finish shopping." The man gestured with his chin to the grocery store the passerby was about to enter.
   "Your dog does the shopping?" the passerby asked.
   "Amazing what you can train a dog to do."
   "Did you train your dog to tie you up with a leash, too?"
   "I did," said the man. "It was the only way I could get it to to agree to do the shopping."

© 20220302



Beer

There was a little man trapped inside his beer.
   "So you're the one who's been drinking all my beer," he said, then continued guzzling.

© 20220301



The Rain Stopped

The rain stopped.
   "Why did you stop?" asked the one person who liked the rain.
   "Because even I hate the rain," said the rain.

© 20220228



The Agony

The sun shines for the first time in a year. People exit their homes and rub their eyes in the light. Almost immediately their hair begins to singe, their skin begins to bubble. Strangely, it does not hurt, so no one is alarmed. The smell of burning flesh triggers everyone's appetite; they bite one another's thighs, tearing off chunks of meat and then devouring it. It feels good to eat, but it feels even better to be eaten.
   An endless cloud passes in front of the sun, and the world is dark once more. It is then that the agony settles upon the open flesh and burnt skin of those unfortunate enough to still be alive. The dying and the living curse the sun.

© 20220225



The Gallows

He was led to the gallows.
   "Any last requests?" asked the executioner.
   He stared up at the noose. "Yes," he said, desperate for even a short reprieve. "I would prefer death by decapitation."
   "No problem," said the executioner. "Bob, get out here."
   "Who's Bob?" asked the condemned man.
   "He's Bob," said the executioner, pointing to the man in the crowd walking toward the gallows.
   He was the largest man the condemned had ever seen. The wooden gallows creaked beneath Bob's feet.
   The executioner continued, "Bob, give this fellow a big hug while I open the trap door."
   "Wait, wait," said the condemned man. "I wish to be hanged, not decapitated!"
   "It's your lucky day," said the executioner. "You get to have both!" And then he opened the trap door.

© 20220224



The Hand in the Floor

There was a knocking coming from the floor beneath his feet. He lifted a floorboard and a hand thrust out and grabbed him by the ankle. He pried the fingers from his leg and stomped the hand back down——but as he did so another hand reached out and grabbed his other ankle. This hand he stabbed with a letter opener that was nearby. He quickly jumped backward, out of harm's way. He nailed the floorboard back into place.
   There was knocking coming from another spot on the floor.
   "I'm not falling for that again!" he said. "You'll just grab my ankles." He walked on his hands to where the knocking was coming from, and began to pry the board from the floor.

© 20220223



The Fingernail Ant and the Hair Spider

Fingernail ants march on the sleeping giant's hand. The giant snores loudly, having drunk five barrels of beer.
   The ants drool their acid spit onto the giant's fingernails, then wait for them to soften. They nibble the giant's cuticles before the main course is ready.
   One of them wanders into the giant's nose, where there are many hair spiders gathered.
   "This is our territory!" one of the spiders says, then resumes munching on a nose hair.
   "Get lost!" says another spider.
   But the ant locks eyes with a comely spider. The spider smiles and gestures for the ant to follow it further up into the giant's nose. They lay down together in a soft nest of hair and, without speaking, copulate. They arrange to meet for dinner, on one of the giant's hairy toes. The ant sneaks out through the giant's ear, and the spider returns to its clan.

© 20220222



A Tire

A tire is refused entrance to an upscale restaurant for lacking the proper attire.
   The tire goes away and returns wearing whitewalls.
   "Welcome," the maître d' says. "Thank you for joining us this evening."

© 20220221



Melt

The doorknob melts in his grip. He takes that as a sign he is not to leave for work.
   He gets a beer; the can melts and the liquid splashes on his feet.
   He sits down on the sofa, picks up the television remote, and it melts into a plastic mess.
   He rubs his eyes; they spill down his cheeks.
   He is about to masturbate when he thinks better of it. He stumbles for his coat hanging on the hook and finds his gloves in the pockets. He puts them on quickly, unaware that they are melting anyway, and begins to touch himself, ecstatically, unaware that he is melting, too. He achieves happiness just as his penis melts away fully. He craves a grilled cheese sandwich.

© 20220218



The Giant Seed

The giant seed fell from space, crashing through the frozen lake. Engineers and cranes were brought in to retrieve it from the water. It was brown and hard as granite, as large as a mansion.
   The engineers went to work opening the seed. They proceeded delicately at first, but quickly grew frustrated.
   "Get the blammo sticks," they said, and dynamite was affixed to the seed and detonated.
   The smoke cleared. Inside the seed was a huge, shiny red apple.
   "Cider for years!" they said, licking their lips and rubbing their hands.
   They sampled the apple: sweet and delicious. They carved the apple into manageable hunks. Inside, where the core should have been, was a large apple tree, fully mature and fruiting. Plans were made to plant it on the town common.
   The stomachs of those who had eaten the apple began to gripe. Gurgling sounds filled the air. Vomit geysered. One by one, they collapsed in their own sick.
   "Okay," someone said, "we won't eat the apple, but if we turn it into booze it probably won't kill us right?"
   No, they all agreed. In fact, it might even make for better cider. Fermentation proceeded as planned.

© 20220217



Merry-go-round Head

Her head spins on her neck like a merry-go-round. Conversation with her is impossible. Kissing her is out of the question. Her laughter is loud or soft depending on where her head is in relation to the listener's ear.
   Stop your head, she is told, we want to converse with you, we want to kiss you.
   But her head never stops spinning like a merry-go-round, and she never stops laughing like a child on a merry-go-round.

© 20220216



Wolfie

A gray wolf roams the neighborhood. It moves slowly, with its head down, pausing to take breaks every few blocks.
   Being a newcomer to town, a man sees an opportunity to ingratiate himself with the community. He retrieves his rifle from the closet, stands on his front steps, and takes aim as the wolf approaches.
   "What are you doing?" his neighbor cries. "Put the gun down!"
   He lowers the rifle. "But the wolf——"
   "That's just Wolfie, wandering from the zoo again." The neighbor taps their head: "Alzheimer's."
   "So I should just let Wolfie be?" he says.
   "Just let Wolfie be, yes," says the neighbor. "And keep your pets and small children indoors."

© 20220215



Eye Wash

A man stood beneath a frighteningly large and slowly melting icicle, staring directly up at it. Every minute or so, a drop fell into his open eye.
   "What are you doing?" they asked. "If that falls, it will kill you!"
   "I'm cleaning my eyes, one drop of pure water at a time," he said.
   "Don't you have water in your house?" they asked.
   "Of course," he said. "But I have very sensitive eyes."

© 20220214



The Ghost Cat

Vapor pours in through the crack beneath the door. It piles, growing solid, and takes the form of their beloved and very dead cat.
   The ghost cat opens its mouth to cry; though no sound comes out, they can both hear its voice. Together they weep and approach the apparition. They attempt to stroke its head, but their hands pass through its mist.
   They give it a treat and watch with sadness as it attempts to take it into its ghostly mouth.
   The dog, which they had taken in after the cat died, and which, until now, had been sleeping soundly on the rug behind them, wakes up and begins to bark. The ghost cat pours back beneath the crack of the door just as quickly as it entered.
   The dog will not stop barking, and for the moment they wish it, too, would become a silent ghost. But it will be one soon enough they both think, and so say nothing of this cruel wish.

© 20220211



The Hair Gremlin

The hair gremlin arrives while you sleep. It harvests nightly one hair from your head, wrenching and pulling it from your scalp like a carrot from the earth. The gremlin brings this hair home for its family, turning it into a soup for them all to enjoy. The follicle, being closest to your brain, is naturally bitter, and the gremlin reserves this for the family dog.
   If you happen to be bald, and wonder how you came to be so unfortunate, rest assured it is only because your hair is especially delicious to gremlins. Small consolation to be sure, but you can go to sleep knowing that somewhere a family of gremlins are dining on you, overjoyed by how luscious you are, at least one part of you.

© 20220210



The Serpent's End

An enormous snake overtook our town. The serpent seemingly had no end: its body was a presence on every street; where once there were roads, there was now only snake. It winded its way through each of our houses like living plumbing.
   And yet it did no harm. Indeed, its only aim appeared to be curiosity. So we lived with its constant slithering.
   One day, unbeknownst to anyone, a child set out to find the great snake's tail. The child returned, many days later, bearing a rattle, of the sort a baby shakes in its crib.
   Was it the snakes rattle? Had the child found the serpent's end?
   "I found the serpent's end," said the child. "But its end is the same as its beginning: a searching tongue."
   A relief!
   "But this other searching tongue has a taste for babies," said the child and dropped the rattle.
   At that moment, the first mewling cry of our town's newest inhabitant arose from the birthing tent on the common. Then the snake began to vibrate.

© 20220209



Nothing

They took away his name.
   "What will I go by now?" he asked.
   "Nothing," they said.
   "But I must go by something," he said.
   "You will go by nothing," they said.
   "But I prefer to go by a name of my choosing," he said.
   "You choose nothing," they said.
   "I want my old name back," he said.
   "Your old name is nothing," they said. "Your new name is nothing."
   "Perhaps I shouldn't be here at all," he said.
   "You're nothing," they reiterated.
   "Perhaps I should be nothing after all," he said.
   "So, you understand," they said.

© 20220208



The Oven

It was time to eat the child. They called it down to dinner and told it to get in the oven.
   "I'd prefer dinner at the table with you, like usual, if that's okay," the child said.
   "You'll be on the table soon enough," they said. "Now get in the oven; it's nice and toasty."
   "Okay, if you insist," said the child, and climbed inside the oven. "What will we be having for dinner?"
   "You'll be having an apple," they said, placing an apple in the child's mouth. "We'll be having meat."
   The child took the apple from its mouth. "I would like some meat, too!"
   "Sorry," they said. "This meat is for grown-ups only." They put the apple back in the child's mouth.
   The child removed the apple from its mouth again. "But why do grown-ups get all the meat?"
   "Because we control the ovens," they said. They stuffed the apple back in the child's mouth, and closed the oven door.

© 20220207



The Knife

The knife was telling him to kill people again, so he buried it in the backyard. The knife must have gotten the ears of a rabbit underground because he spied the rabbit, knife clenched in its buck teeth, sneaking in through his bedroom window, presumably to kill him.
   He grabbed the rabbit by the scruff; the bunny dropped the knife from its mouth. He picked up the blade. "Did this tell you to come kill me?"    The rabbit nodded.
   "What do you say we kill the knife instead?" he asked.
   The rabbit nodded.
   They started a fire outside. When it was roaring and their legs were itchy from its heat, they threw the knife in the fire. They watched it glow in the flames. Satisfied, the man and the rabbit shook hands and parted.
   But the knife must have gotten the ears of the fire because the fire began its quick crawl toward the house, which it would soon engulf in flames.

© 20220204



The Spoon

The spoon turns soft and droops in his hand. It slowly stretches downward until it is kissing the soup in the bowl. It begins to slurp the broth. When it has finished the soup, it grows stiff and straight in his hand once more.
   He gives the spoon a squeeze between his fingers and a few drops of soup fall back into the bowl. Another squeeze, a few more drops. He wrings out the spoon like a sponge until all the soup has been returned to him.
   But then the spoon turns soft and droops in his hand again, and it slowly stretches downward until it is kissing the soup in the bowl.

© 20220203



The Dog that Ate Its Master

A dog ate its master. The dog was taken into custody and put on trial.
   "Do you have anything to say in your defense?" the judge asked when the dog took the stand.
   "He made me do it, your honor," said the dog.
   "Did he beat you? Threaten you?" asked the judge.
   "He gave me a command, and I had to obey," said the dog. "You see? I'm a good dog!"
   "Do you think it may have been in your best interest to disobey this command?" countered the judge.
   "I could never," said the dog. "Especially because he had been so despondent lately."

© 20220202



Lightning Struck the Tree of Meat

Lightning struck the tree of meat. It exploded in a rain of blood and offal. Burnt bits landed in our upturned hats, which we strapped, still smoking, to our faces like feed bags full of oats. But oats these were not. These were succulent morsels of tree flesh, imbued with a wonderful smoky flavor.
   Who knew the tree of meat could be so delicious? We'd so long grown used to hacking off a hunk of its flesh or lopping a lobe of organ-fruit from its limbs and eating the mush raw. This was an epiphany. We immediately made it our aim to clone the tree so we could burn its descendants and fill our bellies with their bounty.

© 20220201



The Bed Ate Him

They pulled the covers back to find only his bones: the bed had eaten him. They placed a bedpan beneath it to capture any droppings that might contain something of value——real value, like his gold teeth, or sentimental, like one of the quiet songs he always sang.
   Days passed with the bed passing nothing. They gave it a liquid laxative, pouring it on the wet spot where his bones had lain, but the bed only spit it back in their faces.
   They decided to cut the mattress open with a knife. They made an incision and found his lips, lungs, and tongue inside, crooning. But they could not make out the tune. They noticed a hole in his esophagus, through which air whistled. They plugged it with their finger, and his song rushed forth: Lullaby and good night.

© 20220131



The Book's End

Lacking a roof, they set a very large book down on the top of the house. In bed, they couldn't help but read the pages that were suspended over them.
   "I can't wait to see what happens next," she said before falling asleep.
   The next day, they turned the pages. In bed that night, they read the inside of the roof again.
   "I can't wait to see what happens next," he said before falling asleep.
   The next day, they turned the pages and read. It was a very long book. Many days, weeks, months, and years passed. They died before reaching the book's end.
   If they had lived to see the last page, they would have read about how the pair of protagonists, a happily married couple, died in bed together, in their sleep, dreaming about another day that never came.

© 20220128



The Neighbor

The elephant hung its laundry out to dry. Its big underwear blocked the neighbor's view.
   "I can't see into your windows now," said the elephant's neighbor from his big, open bay window.
   "You were looking into my windows?" said the elephant.
   "Only to make sure you were okay," said the neighbor.
   "Well, here I am," said the elephant. "I'm okay as you can see. I wonder, though——are you okay?"
   "Right as rain!" said the neighbor. "Why do you ask?"
   "Because you're naked and reclining in that bay window for all to see."
   "Hmm," the neighbor said. "Maybe you should take that laundry down so you can keep an eye on me."
   "Maybe when your laundry is dry you can put some clothes on?" said the elephant.
   "Oh, I've got closets full of dry clothes," said the neighbor.
   "I'm going in now," said the elephant.
   "Keep an eye on me!" the neighbor repeated.

© 20220127



No Milk

There is no milk. How is he to eat his morning bowl of thorns without milk?
   She is throwing a noose over the beam in the bedroom when he barges in and asks where the milk is.
   "At the store!" she screams. She puts her head in the noose and adds, "You idiot!"
   "Do you need help?" he asks.
   "Do I look like I need help?" she asks, ably stepping onto the stool she has placed beneath the noose.
   "Okay, because I'm useless until I've had my breakfast, you know? I need that fiber!"
   "Close the door on your way out!"
   "Anything for you, my love," he says. He departs, runs downtown barefoot. He wants to be first in line when the milk store opens.

© 20220126



Worm Invasion

He cut his finger and a worm crawled into his body and wouldn't leave. He considered it fate and chose not to worry about it. But the worm had the mischievous habit of appearing at inopportune times: dangling from his nose during a work meeting, wriggling from his ear on a date, plugging up his penis when he needed to urinate.
   "I will give you anything you want to stop this!" he told the worm.
   The worm asked for a mate. "Just a conjugal visit at my place inside you," the worm said. "And then we'll leave together."
   He cut his finger and introduced another worm into his body. True to its word, the worm left his body with its new partner. Not before making worm babies, however, which the smitten couple left behind inside him. Being baby worms, they could not be contained and had the nasty habit of weeping from his eyes any time he tried to look at the bright side of things.

© 20220125



The Trees Shake

The trees shake. They are prescribed medication by a doctor to help with the tremors. The medication costs are billed to the trees' insurance companies.
   "It is just the breeze passing through their branches," someone says.
   "Yes, but there's no money to be made in that!" someone else says.
   "Aspirin comes from the willow," the doctor says. "And we all know how much willows shake."

© 20220124



Burlap Man

Burlap man has it rough. First he got sacked. Then he lost the race. Now he has nothing but dirty potatoes to eat. Yes, burlap man has it rough.

© 20220121



There Is Moss

There is moss on the roof. There is a roof under the moss. There is a roof on the house. There is a house under the roof. There is a house on the ground. There is ground under the house. There is ground on the bones. There are bones underground. There are bones on the bones. There are bones under the bones. Under the bones are bugs. There are bugs on the bones. There are bugs on the bugs. Happy are the bugs. The bugs win.

© 20220120



Etiquette

He opens the drawer and there is a man inside organizing the knives, forks, and spoons.
   He asks the man for a knife.
   "Butter or steak?" says the man.
   "Butter," he says. "And a fork."
   "Salad or dinner?" says the man.
   "Dinner," he says. "And a spoon."
   "Table or tea?" says the man.
   "Tea," he says.
   "Anything else?" says the man.
   "You've been so helpful," he says. "Would you like to join me for dinner?"
   "With your table-setting etiquette?" the man replies. "I'll pass, but thank you kindly for the offer. Good day."

© 20220119



His Favorite Finger

His favorite finger wanted to marry the attractive finger on his other hand.
   "You're too ugly," he told his favorite finger. "I've worked you to death over the years, all that pointing, picking, poking, waggling, and wiggling."
   "All that experience is why I might have a shot!" his favorite finger said.
   The attractive finger on the other hand twiddled languorously.
   "Let me at least give you a cleaning and a trim," he told his favorite finger, and went to find the nail clippers.

© 20220118



The Pillow

Her brain slips out of her ear while she sleeps and moves into her pillow. She wakes up in the morning unable to form a sentence or do anything but stare at the ceiling.
   The pillow tells her husband, who is sleeping beside her, to wake up. He rubs his eyes, sees his comatose wife, and begins screaming. "What have you done?" he yells at the pillow.
   "She is sleeping at the moment," the pillow tells him. "I am your wife for now."
   "I don't want to live without her!" he cries.
   "Okay, then," the pillow says. "Perhaps if you go back to sleep, your brain will leave you, too."
   He goes back to sleep, but rather than his brain leaving his skull, his pillow takes up residence there. His brain cannot help but curl up on the fluffy pillow and go to sleep. When he wakes up, his brain is a fog; he can't form a sentence or do anything but stare at the ceiling.
   Meanwhile, her brain climbs back inside her head. She jolts awake and finds her husband staring at nothing.
   "Shh," she says to him, "there, there." She closes his eyelids for him and makes preparations to start her day.

© 20220117



Real

He is walking down the street when it opens up beneath his feet. He lands in a plush easy chair in a cozy room illuminated by a warm fireplace. A butler comes in to take his drink order. He asks for a Manhattan.
   "Certainly, sir," the butler says and leaves to make the drink.
   A woman walks in. She is beautiful. "Hello, honey, I didn't know you were home."
   "Oh, yes, I just dropped in," he says.
   "Oh, wonderful," she says. "Dinner will be ready soon; I told the cook to take the night off——I wanted to cook you something special for our anniversary."
   "Oh, you shouldn't have," he says as she departs.
   The butler returns with the Manhattan, and he takes a sip. "Is it to your liking, sir?" the butler asks.
   "It's perfect."
   "Sir, I noticed your head is bleeding——do you mind if I have a look?"
   "Really? Please do," he says.
   "Sir, I'm afraid it's very bad." The butler shows him a handful of his brain, slick with blood."
   "Goddamn it," he says, putting his drink down. "Are you telling me that none of this is real?"
   The butler gives his brains a poke, rubs the blood between his fingers. "I'm afraid it's very real, sir," the butler says, which are the last words he hears.

© 20220114



The First Snow

When the first snow fell, the people thought the stars were falling.
   "We are part of the stars now," they said, as the snow piled around them.
   "The stars are cold," they said. "And bothersome." They all agreed the stars were better in the sky.
   Eventually, the snow melted. "The stars among us have died," they said. "Only the stars in the sky remain."
   "May they always stay there!" someone shouted.
   Then the second snow fell.

© 20220113



The Headless Chicken

A chicken with its head cut off falls in love with a chicken with its head still on.
   The headless chicken gushes.
   The headed chicken blushes. "You don't even know what I look like."
   The headless chicken scratches into the dirt: True love is blind.

© 20220112



The Red Sweater

The red sweater wants to be taken for a walk. He takes it by its empty sleeve and brings it outside, where it toddles beside him in the sun. They pause to sit at a park bench. He closes his eyes and lets the warmth wash over his face. The red sweater wanders off, placing itself between two children who are tossing a ball back and forth. The children mock the red sweater: Floppy, they call it, Spaghetti Arms.
   One of them grabs the red sweater, dances with it like a partner, then pulls the sweater on. The child's face turns purple as the sweater's collar tightens around its neck. The child begins to bleed from the nose and ears. The child's head pops off like a cork from a bottle; blood spurts like champagne. The other child runs away screaming. The red sweater becomes redder.
   The red sweater returns to him on the bench, rousing him from his daydream. "Ready to go home already?" he asks.

© 20220111



The Meat Door

This is the meat door. It must be carved through for entry or else eaten.
   This is the meat wall. It must be painted with blood or else go gray with each passing day.
   This is the meat ceiling. One must be umbrella'd beneath it or else suffer putrefaction rain.
   This is the meat house. It is alive and dead at the same time or else it is dead and alive.

© 20220110



The Clean Cat

A cat concerned with cleanliness cleans its fur right off its body. It is now a hairless cat. Its owners do not want a hairless cat, so they announce their plans to trade it in for one with fur.
   "But it's still me!" protests the hairless cat.
   "You're not the same cat," they say. "Our cat had lots of fur."
   "Give me a couple days," says the cat, and begins hawking itself up from its throat."

© 20220107



The New Year

The new year arrived. They did not like the new year.
   "We want the old year back," they said.
   "The old year is gone," said the new year.
   "Where has it gone?" they asked. "We will go there."
   "It is in my belly, me having eaten it," said the new year.
   "We knew you were a monster," they said.

© 20220106



Superjack

Superjack went driving after dark.
   Oh no.
   He woke to see a deer colliding with the car he drove. It wasn't his fault: he'd passed out many hours before.

© 20220105



The Sun Comes

The sun comes out of hiding. Everyone rejoices.
   The sun comes out of the closet. Its parents reject it.
   The sun comes alive. We dance in its light.
   The sun comes from outer space. Most people know that.
   The sun comes around. It was only a matter of time.
   The sun comes down. Abstinence only from now on.
   The sun comes. Everyone dies.

© 20220104



The Ending

His arm is a man whose arm is a man whose arm is a man whose arm is a man whose arm is a man whose arm is a man whose arm is a man with no arms.

© 20220103



The Snow Man

They make a man out of snow. He is a robust man.
   But the next day, he began to grow smaller. A week passes and he has wasted away.
   They call in the doctor. He does a thorough examination and gives them bad news: cancer.
   "What kind?" they ask.
   "Cancer of the snow," the doctor says. "I'm sorry, there's nothing to be done but make him as comfortable as possible."
   The snow man eats nothing but ice cream for the remainder of his days.

© 20211231



The Christmas Tree

The Christmas tree set the house on fire. They watched it burn down from the snowy yard.
   The fire chief was at a loss. There were no lights strung on the tree, no candles nearby.
   It was a troubled young tree, they explained. It liked to play with matches. They took pity on it and gave it shelter in the hopes they could raise it to be better.
   The charred roof of the house collapsed; flames licked the open air.
   "Try to be nice, and look what it gets you," the fire chief said.

© 20211230



The Oven

There is a man who lives in the oven. They try to coax him out.
   "I am not ready yet," he explains.
   They ask him how much more time he needs.
   "Decades," he says.
   He will be dead, they explain, and will go from one oven to another.
   "Oh, that would be ideal," he says and closes the oven door.

© 20211229



The Grave Man Buries His Feelings

The grave man buries his feelings in a gray sandcastle. He stands out front with a suitcase, waiting for a wave to crash down.
   The grave man is good at concealing how his gray cloud pours. In his skull, he is wailing and punching holes in doors.
   The grave man says, "I don't need no love. I just need a stone——to replace my heart and mark my final home."

© 20211228



The Dagger

The dagger is left on the table. No one dares touch it. Their eyes flit from the knife to the eyes of the others. The dagger begins to rotate, like a second hand, on its handle. It pauses, pointed at your belly, and flies out, piercing your flesh and opening your stomach.
   The others pounce on you, ripping out your entrails.
   The dagger works its way up through your esophagus and decapitates you from the inside.
   Your guts and head along with the dagger, which remains lodged in your skull, are buried. Until next week, when the knife is exhumed and left on the table once more in order to divine who is the chosen one.

© 20211227



The Wig

A wig buys a head to fill the emptiness it feels. But the head comes with a body, which comes with various ailments, one of which is baldness brought on by illness. So the body buys a wig to cover its head. The store takes the old wig back, returns it to the shelf, where it feels empty once more.

© 20211224



A Barrier

A barrier goes up around the town.
   We are being kept in, the people inside the town think.
   We are being kept out, the people outside the town think.
   The people beneath the town think what they always think: how wonderful it is to live underground.

© 20211223



The Angry Rooster

The angry rooster will not calm down. It crows and stamps and scratches at the ground with its feet.
   The source of its anger: an egg lodged in its anus.
   We try to help the rooster by removing the egg, but it won't let us.
   "Don't touch!" cries the rooster. "It hurts!"
   We ask the rooster what happened, how did an egg get lodged in its backside.
   "I was trying to help out around the house!" cries the rooster.

© 20211222



A Screw

He needs a screw. He goes to the store.
   "I need a screw," he tells the woman at the counter. She slaps him across the face.
   "I need a screw," he tells the man at another counter.
   "Don't we all," the clerk says.

© 20211221



The Mess

He made a mess in his pants.
   "Why did you do that?" she asked.
   "I couldn't help it," he said. "I really hate these pants."

© 20211220



Black Snow

Black snow falls from the dead moon for hundreds of years. For centuries they watched as the moon slowly died, watched the glow drain from its surface like the faces of their loved ones who succumbed after too many lungfuls of black snow. For centuries, they cursed the moon for killing off their spouses, their children, their parents.
   But now that it is truly dead, they are sad. They collect bucketfuls of black snow——for what they do not know, but they are compelled to gather it as a memento. They place their pails filled with dead moon on their mantels, if they are lucky enough to have one; otherwise, they put them into closets, which they occasionally enter to breathe in a bit of the black snow, when they are feeling sad or happy or feeling nothing at all.

© 20211217



A Quiet Moment

A quiet moment shattered by a window shattering. Snow drifts into the room. Outside goes the room occupant. It is dark. There are footprints in the snow that stop just short of the broken window. The footprints are followed; they terminate at the roots of a large tree. A shout up the tree; there is no answer. Up the tree goes the former occupant of the room. There is a large owl nesting. From the owl's beak hangs a bloody human finger, small, that of a child.
   "Who broke the window?" asks the former occupant of the room.
   Hoo, goes the owl, and the finger falls to the ground below.
   "Yes, I'm asking."
   Hoo, goes the owl.
   Back down the tree. The bloody finger wriggles in the snow. The former occupant of the room puts it in their mouth and goes back inside. There is an owl in the chair, with a finger in its beak. A grown finger. It is then that the former occupant of the room, now a current occupant once more, notices that their index finger is missing. They sink the bleeding stump of it into the snow that has collected on the floor, which turns red with blood. They spit the child's finger at the owl, which catches it in flight, and wings out the window.
   The snow piles.

© 20211216



The Missing Brain

The box of human organs arrives. There are kidneys, lungs, a stomach, a liver, a heart, and many other glistening things. Missing is a brain.    He calls the organ company. "I'm missing a brain," he says.
   The representative on the line chuckles.
   "Not my brain——the one I ordered from your catalog!"
   "Brains ship separately," the representative says. "If you'd read the fine print——"
   "I read the fine print!" he says.
   "Did you order eyes as well?" the representative says. "You may want to order some new ones——"
   "I'm hanging up now."
   The representative laughs. "We can send them along with your missing brain."

© 20211215



The Clock Stopped

The clock stopped. He thought this good: perhaps time would stand still and he would stop aging. He felt younger already.
   But without a clock to tell him when it was time for work, he lost his job. Without his job, he lost his health insurance. Without health insurance, his physician wouldn't see him——which didn't matter because he couldn't keep track of appointments anymore without the assistance of time. He began to feel ill. He watched the clock, trying to will it into motion, but the clock persisted in reading 6:30. He alternated between waking up and having an evening cocktail, a routine that was terribly damaging to his health. He died. The clock remained stopped.

© 20211214



The Undertaker

They called in the undertaker. He arrived, gave his condolences, and asked where the deceased was.
   They pointed to the old man snoring softly in the chair by the window.
   "But he's not dead," said the undertaker.
   "But soon, maybe?" they said.
   "I don't know," said the undertaker. "I'm not a doctor."
   "No, we'd never call a doctor for him!" they said. "But since you're here, with that big black hearse——"
   "I'm not an executioner!" protested the undertaker.
   "We know——the executioner wouldn't return our calls!"

© 20211213



The Squirrel and the Pumpkin

A squirrel feasts on the seeds it finds inside a pumpkin. It eats them all. One of the seeds takes root in its gut.
   Weeks pass and the squirrel is still full——it hasn't eaten anything since the seeds——and yet its belly continues to grow as a pumpkin forms inside it.
   A doctor tells the squirrel to go on a diet.
   The squirrel tells the doctor it hasn't eaten anything in many days.
   The doctor squints his eyes in disbelief. "Cut out the meat and cheese, eat healthy snacks between meals."
   "What's a healthy snack?" asks the squirrel.
   The doctor replies, "I like a handful of pumpkin seeds myself."

© 20211210



The Ceiling

They are lying in bed when the ceiling begins to descend.
   "Maybe if we close our eyes, it will stop," he says.
   They close their eyes.
   "Did it stop?" she asks.
   "I can't see if it stopped," he says. "I'll open my eyes to check." He opens his eyes and the ceiling is nearly touching his nose. "It didn't stop," he said. "But maybe it stops as long as we keep our eyes closed," he says.
   "It's definitely stopped for me," she says, drowsily, her eyes still closed. She begins to snore softly. He closes his eyes and falls asleep, too.

© 20211209



Soup du Jour

There was a bug in his soup.
   "Waiter," he said, "there is a bug in my soup."
   "Yes, you ordered the soup du jour," said the waiter.
   "Yes, and I'm telling you there is a bug in it," he said.
   "Yes," the waiter said, "it's the soup du jour."
   "The soup du jour has a bug in it?" he asked.
   "Yes," said the waiter. "If you want more bugs there is a slight up-charge——would you like me to bring it back to the kitchen for the chef to add more bugs?"
   "Can I get a soup without any bugs at all?" he asked.
   "I'm afraid not," said the waiter. "That was yesterday's soup du jour."

© 20211208



A Cat Rides a Wolf

A cat rides a wolf. Together they roam through town, singing sweet melodies for pennies. We try to make the cat a pet. The cat tells us they come as a pair. No one wants to welcome a wolf into their home; the last time someone did that, the entire family was eaten. The cat assures us the wolf is tame; indeed, it smiles beatifically. Besides, would a cat ride a wild wolf?
   We open our door. The wolf draws near, slowly, slowly, until it stops moving entirely, as if it were a robot whose batteries just died. Then we notice the cat opening a compartment on the side of the wolf with fresh batteries in paw. It is a robot.
   "What's your aim?" we shout at the cat.
   But it's too late; the batteries have been replaced and the wolf's eyes glaze over, its teeth are bared, a low growl emerges from its throat, and it comes swiftly for us.

© 20211207



The Coin Slot

Drop a coin into the slot in his head and look in his eyes. The cat you see was his, just before it was hit by a car. The car you see is the one that hit the cat. The person you see entering the car is him, just before he accidentally drove over his beloved feline.
   You've seen enough? That's fair. Squeeze his nose to retrieve your money from the coin return that is his mouth.

© 20211206



The Lung

A lung slips out of the child's Christmas stocking, onto its lap. The lung laps at the child's face. The child giggles delightedly.
   "Can I take it outside?" the child asks.
   The parents nod.
   The child takes the lung outside. The lung leaps from the child's arms and bounds away through the falling snow. Suddenly, the child can't breathe sufficiently. It goes back inside and collapses, gasping for air. "It got away from me," says the child.
   "This is why I wanted to spend the money to get him a lung from the store!" says mother to father.
   "This is why we gave him one of his own lungs rather than throw away good money on some brand new one!" says father to mother.

© 20211203



The Vault

The thieves cannot open the vault in his teeth. They will need explosives to get at the gold within. They have secured the dynamite to his teeth when something causes him to begin to chew. The thieves try to take cover beneath the safety of his tongue, but he roots them out, places them squarely between two molars, and grinds them to pulp.
   The dynamite explodes, shattering his tooth. The pain is excruciating. He calls the dentist, explains he needs a gold filling replaced.

© 20211202



Mountains for Teeth

Mountains for teeth. Mountains that crumble. Chokes on rubble.
   Eggs for eyes. Eggs that crack. Tears of albumen.
   Goats for gonads. Goats that kick. Ache of life.

© 20211201



The Drain Stopper

The dog dives into the lake. It surfaces with a drain stopper in its mouth. As the dog bounds ashore, the lake swirls down an unseen drain.
   "I never wanted the dog!" he yells to the people in their grounded boats.

© 20211130



The Leaf Pile

They rake the leaves into a pile. As it grows, the leaf pile becomes sentient.
   "Waaaah!," says the leaf pile.
   They ignore it and continue to make the pile bigger.
   "Mama!" says the leaf pile. "Dada!"
   Then they set it on fire.

© 20211129



The Moon Vomits

The moon vomits. Dust blankets earth. The people choke. Why? they cry. The moon cries. Is it illness? Is it laughter? They'll never know. Dead cover dead. Dust covers all. The moon rests.

© 20211126



The Turkey

A turkey is at the door. It offers itself.
   "We don't eat turkey," they say.
   "I can cook and clean," says the turkey.
   "You're hired," they say.
   They return from work after the turkey's first day on the job: the kitchen and bathrooms gleam, the laundry is washed and folded, and a heavenly smell wafts from the oven.
   "I hope you're hungry!" says the turkey.
   "Famished!" they say. "What's for dinner?"
   "Turkey——and before you protest, you haven't had turkey like this. It's an old family recipe."
   "Oh, yeah?" they say. "What's the recipe call for?"
   "One old family member." The turkey opens the oven. "How's it going in there, ma?"
   "Getting a little warm, but I'll be all right," the turkey's mother responds. "I always am. Not like anyone cares any——"
   "Yeah, yeah, yeah," says the turkey and slams the oven shut before turning to its employers once more. "It'll be a little while——care for a cocktail while you wait?"

© 20211125



The Blue House

The blue house contains the red people. The red people wave an angry flag——for what, no one knows. We see them there, in the windows of the blue house, waving their red banner; if it were a white flag, we would think: they need help, they've given up. But the flag is red, so we stay away.
   Someone conjectures the flag was white, but the red people's redness has bled into the banner, transforming it into something antagonistic. Which may be true.
   But those bared white teeth, those tight white knuckles, those wide white eyes: are these the features of friendly neighbors? We decide no, they are not. So we leave them alone inside their blue house——their blue house, so out of place in our rather drab neighborhood, but that's another story.

© 20211124



The Garden Hose

He went to drink from the garden hose, but when he placed his lips to it, the hose drank him instead. He was slurped into its twisty dark intestine, the inside of which was brightly light and well appointed——there was a plush leather sofa and matching easy chair, a mahogany bookcase and table, and a small portrait gallery. The fireplace was crackling and inviting; he curled up on the fur rug spread before it. A butler came and took his drink order. Just as he was about to take his first sip of Manhattan, a torrent of water crashed down the hall and swept him away. He was thrown out of the hose on a geyser of water and landed on his head in his garden, where he lost consciousness. He woke up some time later, with a splitting headache and a burning throat. The garden hose released a steady stream of cool, delicious-looking water. He lifted the hose to his lips.

© 20211123



Eggs

They are in need of eggs. There are no eggs. They decide to crack their heads open and cook what comes out. He goes first: she cracks his skull with the hammer. There is a puff of smoke. He tips his head into the frying pan, but once the smoke dissipates, nothing more comes out. She goes next: he cracks her skull with the hammer. A bird is released; it flies out the window. She tips her head into the frying pan, but nothing more comes out.
   They stare at one another, trying to remember what it was they were doing before staring at one another.
   "Honey," he says, "you hurt your head!"
   "Honey," she says, "you hurt your head!"
   "But I'm so hungry!" he says.
   "But I'm so hungry!" she says.
   "I'll see if we have any eggs," he says.

© 20211122



Within the Door

Within the door is a door and within that door is another door and within that door is another door——on and on in a series of progressively smaller doors. Finally, he comes to a door that is too small for him to open. He hires an ant to open this tiny door. The ant opens the door, enters, then closes and locks it.
   He knocks on the door. "What's on the other side?" he asks the ant.
   "Another guy who wants to pay me to open the door I just closed," says the ant.

© 20211119



For His Birthday

She gives him an empty toilet paper roll for his birthday.
   "What am I supposed to do with this?" he asks.
   "Not leave it on the toilet paper holder," she says.

© 20211118



The Leaf Suicide

A leaf attempts suicide by opening its veins. As it waits to die, a strong wind carries it away to another part of town, with a better view. There is a lake glinting in the sun——even the sun feels warmer here.
   The leaf wants to live. The leaf is bleeding out. The leaf is dropped into the lake by the wind.
   The leaf floats on the water. It begins to lose consciousness. "I want to live!" says the leaf, but its voice is weak and its words can barely be heard. And then a fish, attracted by the leaf's blood, rises to eat it.

© 20211117



They Worship the Skull

They worship the skull. Flowers sprout from the holes where eyes once were. A rat takes the small throne on the skull's crown. The rat sits and wiggles its nose. They wait for the rat to speak. It does not speak. The unspeaking rat turns gray and so do the worshippers while waiting for it to speak. Weeds overtake the flowers and cover the skull and the throne and the rat and the worshippers. It is a wild jungle. Each day brings new scores of rats to this jungle. The rodents run free. They bite ankles. The blood of the worshippers is sweetest. They bite legs and drink the blood. The skull is forgotten.

© 20211116



Inside the Hill

Inside the hill lives a man who spends his days dreaming of the world outside. In his dreams there is sun and blue sky and fresh air and animals roaming and people gathering and much good food and celebration.
   Outside the hill are men who spend their days digging the hill away. They work slowly, careful to examine every inch of dirt for precious things, which they never find.
   Eventually the men outside the hill discover the man inside the hill: he is fleshy and sleeping and alive. They discuss options: shall they wait for him to die and rot and become bones? Or shall they kill him, burn his flesh, and collect his skeleton?
   The man inside the hill wakes up and sees the men from outside gathered around. He assumes he is still dreaming and he welcomes the intruders as guests. They are tired from their endless digging and fall asleep beside him. While they all sleep, the hill collapses around them, sealing them in the mound together. They dream of the sun and blue sky and fresh air and animals roaming and people gathering and much good food and celebration.

© 20211115



The Walrus

The walrus wanted to be a walrus no more, so it willed itself to grow legs in order to walk. Its first stop was the dentist, who refused to shorten its tusks.
   "You would cease to be a walrus," said the dentist. "It wouldn't be right."
   The walrus walked to the barber, who refused to trim its whiskers.
   "You would cease to be a walrus," said the barber. "It wouldn't be right."
   The walrus walked to the surgeon, who refused to remove its legs.
   "You would cease to be you," said the surgeon. "And you are just right."

© 20211112



The Pipes

Blood pours from the faucet. He turns it off and blood bubbles over the toilet bowl. He closes the lid and blood spills out of the shower drain.
   He calls the plumber. The plumber tells him the pipes have a bleeding ulcer. He asks what can be done.
   "The pipes need to stop drinking," the plumber says.
   "But isn't that all they do?" he says.
   "Therein lies the problem," says the plumber.

© 20211111



The Wave

A wave carries the slimy body of something mountainous to shore. It is no whale or other known creature, just an amorphous gelatinous something so huge it blots out the horizon. They wait for the sun to turn the thing into putrefaction, but it resists. They attempt to carve it into smaller pieces but it destroys their blades. They attempt to incinerate it but it extinguishes their flames. Dynamite is as ineffectual as a firecracker thrown into the ocean.
   The ocean.
   They pray to the ocean——something they haven't done in ages——to take the thing back into its bosom. They wait. The ocean is steady in the distance, almost tranquil. Then the sea retreats.
   They have been abandoned. The slimy thing remains, brilliant in the full sun.
   Then the ocean rises up, higher than the stillborn mountain it gave them, and rushes in. Everything is loud, everything is dark.

© 20211110



The Second Floor

The second floor is gone. They stand at the top of the stairs and stare into the black where the second floor once was. Scraps of paper and dead leaves whip past in the air. A high-pitched ringing noise issues from the void. A giggling baby spins into view, followed by a human skeleton, before both disappear back into the darkness.
   They go back downstairs and call the police. "We've been burgled," they say. "Somebody stole our second floor."

© 20211109



The Brain Donor

He wanted to donate his brain to science.
   "You should really wait until after you've died," the scientist said.
   "But then all the big ideas I have would go to waste!" he replied.

© 20211108



The Castle

There is a castle. It is an empty castle. It is an empty castle in a forest. It is an empty castle in a forest on an island. It is an empty castle in a forest on an island hidden in mist. It is an empty castle in a forest on an island hidden in mist on a planet undiscovered.
   Then the planet is discovered.
   Then the island is colonized.
   Then the forest is cut down.
   Then the castle is razed.
   Then a new castle is built.
   There is a castle.

© 20211105



The Dead Rose

The dead rose. Their dirt fell. Their mouths moved. No words came. They shambled forward. The living cowered. The dead groped. The living attacked. The dead pleaded. No words came. The living seethed. The dead succumbed. The living celebrated. Drinks were poured. The dead burned. They wanted life. Life killed them.
   Again.

© 20211104



Mr. Maniac

Mr. Maniac sews a human head onto a dogs's body and sends it out into the night. "Bring me back something good," he instructs the human-headed dog, which is shot dead by the first person it greets.
   Mr. Maniac sews a dog head onto a human's body and sends it out into the night. "Bring me back something good," he instructs the dog-headed human, which is shot dead by the first person it greets.
   Mr. Maniac decides that people are easily frightened by his nocturnal minions; he sends his next creation——a muzzle-faced dog-man mutt with raccoon paws——out in daylight. "Bring me back something good," he instructs his latest creation, which is told to stop begging and get a job by every person it meets.

© 20211103



The Broken Rock

A child breaks a rock and out spills blood and entrails. He shows it to his parents, who are aghast at the murder their child has committed. They instruct him to throw the rock in the river where the snapping turtles might dispose of the evidence.
   The child throws the rock into the river and watches the turtles swarm. After a few moments, the turtles have finished.
   The child turns to head back home and is confronted by a boulder, as tall as a house, that was not there before. The child attempts to skirt it but the boulder shifts in the same direction; the child attempts to climb it but the rock is as hot as a frying pan on a flame.
   The boulder inches forward; the child inches backward, toward the river. The boulder inches forward, the child backward. Forward goes the boulder, backward goes the child, until finally its footing gives way and the rushing river surrounds it.

© 20211102



A Rat Flies By Them

A rat flies by them.
   "Did you see that flying rat?" she asks.
   "See it? I hired it!" he says.
   "Why would you hire a flying rat?" she asks.
   "To impress you," he says.
   "Why would I be impressed by a flying rat?" she asks.
   "Because the rats we have just crawl all over our feet," he says and points to the rodents scurrying over their shoes.
   "It would have been more impressive if you exterminated all the rats we have!" she says.
   "But then our feet would be cold," he says.

© 20211101



Halloween

Bugs crawl from the ink-black pools on the tips of her fingers. Birds flap violently in the back of her throat when she tries to speak. Cloudy icicles form on the ends of her hair. Her skin ripples as if in a wind chamber. Blood spurts from the pinholes in her eyes.
   Someone compliments her dedication to Halloween.
   "Halloween?" she says, as sparrows fly from her mouth. "I just woke up like this."

© 20211029



Roast Beef

A man orders a roast beef sandwich. He is presented with a cow on fire between two pieces of bread. The cow looks placid, intently chewing its cud, swishing its flaming tail.
   "I'm afraid that's a little rare for my taste," he says.
   "Give it a couple hours," says the cashier.

© 20211028



The Disappearer

He began to disappear in increments: a fingernail vanished, then a finger; a hand, then an arm.
   "I am leaving," he said, but he was alone so his words disappeared, too.
   When he was just a nose and eyes attached to the primitive portion of his brain, long after he had made his peace with his fate, he began to grow back in a different form. Jellyfish-like tentacles sprouted like hair from his nostrils. He watched them lengthen and taste the air like elephant trunks. They grew in number and strength, afixed themselves to the bars in the ceiling grate——the only source of light in his room——and yanked it free. The tentacles writhed in the warmth of the sun. They gripped edges of the opening in the ceiling and pulled what remained of the old him toward the light.

© 20211027



A Story Out of Order

A spider exterminated by a shoe. A shoe untied by two hands. Two hands down a pair of pants. A pair of pants pulled from the edge of a bed. The edge of a bed soaked in blood. In blood a payment made. A maid finds ten dollars and a thank-you note on hotel stationery. A station on a television tuned to static. A static charge between two pairs of lips.

© 20211026



The Dissection

He dissects himself to understand how he lives. He examines his musculature, vasculature, organs, skeleton. He sees how everything is interconnected, but he cannot find the battery that drives him. He thinks it may be embedded in his brain, but before he can dissect that, everything goes white and he loses consciousness. In his unconscious state, he sees himself sitting in his easy chair, with the tray of surgical tools on the table beside him. He watches himself make the first incision in his chest, allowing him to neatly open his skin. He hears the low-battery warning: an insistent beeping, seemingly without origin. He watches himself examine his musculature, vasculature, organs, skeleton. From somewhere, the battery beeps and beeps and beeps. He watches himself lose consciousness as he attempts to harvest his brain for study.

© 20211025



The Little Judge

The little judge sits on his bench on the shelf above the desk. He bangs his gavel and a book falls onto the head of the daydreamer sitting below.
   "I judge you incompetent, I judge you ugly, I judge you guilty!" He bangs his gavel.
   "Incompetent? Fine. Ugly? Unequivocally. But guilty of what?"
   "Indolence!" The judge bangs his gavel.
   "Is that a crime?"
   "It is in my jurisdiction."
   "Your jurisdiction appears to be a shelf laden with books that haven't been opened in years."
   He bangs his gavel. "I judge you illiterate as well!"
   "In your judgement, how long would you estimate you have left to live?"
   "I'm hale and hearty; I have many years left ahead of me——where are you going? I haven't handed down my sentence!"
   "I'm going to get my gavel."

© 20211022



Cooking the Stairs

He attempts to cook the stairs. But the steps are all out of order, and he ruins dinner. He decides to go to sleep instead, but he has no way to reach his bed, having harvested the stairs for dinner. He curls up on the floor of the kitchen and dreams of eating hamburgers.

© 20211021



Her Head Cave

She is sleeping with her back to him when he notices the cave in her head, the mouth of which is at her nape. He peers inside it with a flashlight, but it is too dark to make out any details. He sends an ant in to explore. On the first night, the ant returns with a bucket of coal. Unsatisfied, he sends the ant back in, and this time it returns with a collection of bones. He tells the ant to go back into the cave.
   The ant resists. "What is it you're looking for?" the ant asks.
   "I was hoping for something precious," he says.
   "But don't you know she's already given you everything precious already?"

© 20211020



The Plunger

He resorted to the plunger. After a few pushes and pulls on it, a child's head emerged from the toilet's drain. He held the child in the air before him, its head stuck fast to the plunger.
   "So you're the one that's been causing all the plumbing trouble."
   The child gasped for air. "Are you my father?"
   "I most certainly am not."
   "How did I end up down the drain?" the child asked.
   "The previous homeowners must have hired you as a baby to keep their pipes clean," he said. "And you've done a terrible job."
   "Does that mean I'm fired?"
   "Technically, you should have been let go when they died," he said. "Technically, you're trespassing."
   "Oh, please don't call the police on me!" the child cried. It struggled to free itself from the plunger. "If you just let me go on my way, I'll——"
   "Not so fast!" the man said. "I just washed the floors! Back the way you came!" He pushed the child back into the bowl, but the toilet only took the child halfway.
   "Maybe try the plunger again?" said the child.
   "I need to snake the drain," he said. "Hold tight." He headed for the closet where he kept the boa.

© 20211019



The Smell of a Ghost

They detected the ghost by its smell, which was akin to rain water on asphalt.
   "Might it be that the smell is just the asphalt driveway after a shower?" someone countered.
   "No," they said, from their chairs in the driveway. "We know and enjoy that smell, which is why we choose to sit out here in the rain. This smell——the ghost smell——is similar, but different enough that we identified it as belonging to a ghost."
   "How is it different?"
   "It is less wet, more dry, as befits a ghost," they said. "And we wish it would leave because it is detracting from the lovely smell of our wet driveway."

© 20211018



The Moaning

There is a moaning beneath the floor. They remove the floorboards but are unable to locate the source of the sound. They break up the concrete beneath the floor but are still unable to locate where the moaning, which has neither grown louder or quieter, is coming from. They begin to dig in the dirt beneath the concrete. As it happens they find bones——it's unclear if they are human or animal——but still they cannot locate the moaning.
   Then, laughter from above. They look up and see the ventriloquist, sitting on the ceiling, his toothy dummy on his lap. He throws his voice so that it sounds like it's coming from the ground: "Keep digging!" He moans for good measure.
   Adds the dummy, "Who's the dummy now?"

© 20211015



The House of Clay

The house of clay turns soft in the sun. They mold it into an igloo and wait for a winter that never comes. The sun bears down. The house of clay oozes ever lower toward the ground until finally it resembles an anthill. They look at their once beautiful house, at the train of insects moving into it. They take turns whittling each other with a carrot peeler. When they have been reduced adequately, they fall in line with the other ants, and proceed incrementally toward the hill's opening, the former igloo opening, the former doorway to their former house. But they are happy being small, for this is now another life.

© 20211014



Square Surgery

A square wants to become a circle. It goes to a surgeon to have its corners smoothed. When the surgery is done, the square is shocked to see that it has been made a triangle.
   "What have you done?" the square cries. "You've made me a triangle!"
   "Yes," the surgeon says, scrubbing his hands. "I wanted to make a point."

© 20211013



The Singing Dog

There is a man with a dog that sings beautifully.
   "O sole mio," sings the dog.
   "How did you train your dog to sing like that?" they ask.
   "You just need to find the right incentive and you can teach a dog to do anything," the man says.
   "What's his incentive?" they ask.
   "Human flesh," replies the man.
   "La donna è mobile," sings the dog.

© 20211012



Bottled

They bottled him for a special occasion. He sat on the shelf for many years, collecting dust. He read and reread the book the one book he'd been bottled with more times than he could recall. Eventually, he died.
   "He's dead!" they said. "Let's open the bottle and celebrate his life!"
   When they poured him out he was more bitter than he ever had been alive. Age had done nothing to sweeten him. They ended up pouring him down the drain.

© 20211011



A Gun Goes Off

A gun goes off. How can a gun go off if it was never on? he wonders. It's a figure of speech, he explains to himself. Is that like a metaphor? Or a simile? he asks himself. He always gets those confused. No, he thinks, it's neither of those. Why had he been such a poor student? Why hadn't he ever paid attention in school? So flighty!
   A police officer enters the bank and takes the gun from his hand. "If you're finished conversing with yourself, I'll arrest you now."

© 20211008



The Bird in the Skull

The bird in the skull wants worms but settles for brain. The brain in the skull wants a bat but settles for the bird. The brain forgets itself as it is eaten; the bird forgets itself as it eats. It grows full and tired. It gathers hair from the head that houses the skull and builds a nest. It falls asleep. Beneath its warm bottom, the hairs begin to grow heads and, within them, skulls.

© 20211007



The Hat Hook

He drives a nail into the back of his head to have a place to hang his hat when he's not wearing it. It works like a charm. He is growing old and forgetful, however, and one day he cannot remember where he hung his hat. He wastes hours looking for it before he scratches his head and finds it.
   He drives another nail into the front of his head with a note attached reminding him to check the back of his head for his hat.

© 20211006



The Cauldron

A baby swims in a large cauldron. It does the breastroke, the back float, the butterfly, the doggy paddle. The townspeople all cheer at its preternatural ability in the water.
   "What a swimmer!" someone says.
   "Look at that baby go!" someone says.
   "A shame I need to cook it in that very cauldron!" says the witch.

© 20211005



Rock Man, Rock Woman

They stack rocks in the shape of a man and it becomes a man made of rocks. It asks to eat so they give it rocks to eat. It asks for a bed so they give it a bed of rocks. It lies down on the bed of rocks and asks for a wife so they make it a wife out of rocks.
   The rock man and his new wife have relations. They fall to rubble in the process.
   They stack the rocks in the shape of a man, in the shape of a woman. The rock man and rock woman ask to be left alone.

© 20211004



The Hammock

A man hung a hammock between two branches high up in a tall tree. They asked why he had chosen to relax in such a precarious place. He told them he couldn't doze on the ground, not with all the snakes slithering about. They looked around and told him there were no snakes that they could see.
   "There are if you drink like I do," he said and closed his eyes.

© 20211001



The Fog

A fog rises from the sink drain. It floats before him then goes out the door. He quits shaving and follows, wearing only a towel around his waist. The fog leads him through the center of town, where other men and women are following their own fogs, some of them completely nude. The fogs lead them toward the outskirts, to the reservoir, which is shrouded in its own dense fog. One by one, they are led into the lake and disappear. Back in their homes, loved ones take their turns in the bathrooms to ready themselves for the day. Fog rises from the sink drains; it smells like their husbands, like their wives, like their children, like a memory of someone they can't describe. It floats before them then goes out the door. They follow.

© 20210930



A Cold Wind

A cold wind blows its nose because it has a cold. Its sneezes fall in the form of snowflakes, which children catch on their tongues. All the kids get sick; in turn, so do their parents; in turn, so do the childless folks the parents encounter at work and at the supermarket. In turn, everyone's pets catch the cold. Everyone, human or animal, is snotty and miserable.
   Meanwhile, the cold wind gets better and grows warmer and warmer. Its sweat falls in the form of rain onto the sick world below.

© 20210929



His Head Is a Sandwich

His head is a sandwich with a bite taken from it. He asks the doctor what he should do. The doctor tells him he would be better if toasted. He returns home and toasts his head as instructed. But he is no better: his head is still a sandwich with a bite taken from it, only now he is dry and crumbly, too. Perhaps I am just getting old, he thinks, and that is why no one will finish eating my head.

© 20210928



Inside the Wall

A finger pokes out from the fieldstone wall. She pulls on it, and it hooks around her finger and tugs back. It is a very strong finger. It pulls her between the stones and into the wall. Inside the wall, it is too dark to see. Something tickles her ear, pokes her nose, pinches her lips——and then she is left alone. Silence. She yells out; her voice echoes as if in a cave. The air around her and the ground below her is cool and slightly damp. She crawls blindly in the dark for what seems days until finally, in the distance, she sees a chink of light. She moves toward it, raises her hand, and pokes it with her finger. The sun warms her finger on the other side.

© 20210927



The Drink

They told him to drink it. He asked what it was. They told him it was nothing. He swirled the black liquid in the cup; it was definitely something. They told him to drink it. Again he asked what it was. They told him it was everything. But surely everything could not fit in a cup. They told him to drink it. He asked once more what it was. They told him it was something.
   "I thought so!" he said, and drank it down. "This something tastes awful!" He turned the cup around: there was a skull and crossbones emblazoned on it. He asked if that meant he would turn into a skeleton.
   "Something like that," they said.

© 20210924



A Tail Tale

He grew a tail and the tail grew a man who grew a tail that grew a man who grew a tail that grew a man who grew a tail that grew a man——on and on until they ringed the earth. The last man met the first man. The last man was in the process of growing his tail. The first man bent forward, opened his mouth, and waited for the budding tail to fill it.

© 20210923



A Tree Grows Wings

A tree grows wings and lands on a bird. The little bird sweats under the weight of the oak. The tree waits for dawn and begins to warble a song. The bird's feet sink into the ground, like roots. The tree begins building a nest on the bird's head. It plops an acorn into the nest, then another, and another. A squirrel comes and steals the acorns. A cat comes and eats the rooted bird. A man comes and cuts down the tree; winter is coming and the wood is welcome. All the other trees that have grown wings fly away, to the south, where the sun provides warmth.

© 20210922



A Cup of Pudding

A skull suspended in a cup of pudding. Putty fills its eye holes. Wholly unaware of you staring at it, the skull swallows the chocolate pudding, putting it right back into the cup. Cop the skin of the pudding before the skull can consume it again. Costume the bonehead in chocolate to calm it down. Don't hesitate: take your spoon and poke the putty from its eyes. Size its jaw. Join the feast. Eat the skull to get your teeth back. Black pudding for dessert.

© 20210921



Dead Arm

He buries his arm in the ground. They ask him why, and he tells him that his arm fell asleep, but never woke up. They explain to him that the dead feeling would eventually leave his arm, that it would be alive once more. "So," he said, "you're telling me my arm is going to heaven?"

© 20210920



Noodle

He decides he is a noodle and walks in a wiggly fashion into the room where his wife is sitting in a chair, reading.
   "I'm a noodle," he says, wriggling his body all over.
   She puts down her book. "And how did you come to this realization?"
   "I was looking in the mirror and started wiggling like one."
   "Did you consider that you might be having a seizure?"
   "Not until this moment," he said. "What do you think I should do?"
   "Help me get dinner ready."
   "What do you think we should eat?" he asked.
   "Noodle," she said.
   "'Noodles,' you mean."
   "No, just 'noodle,'" she said. "I'll boil the water."

© 20210917



Drawing Circles in the Air

He drew a circle in the air with his finger. This circle fell away revealing a black void, where the head of a woman appeared.
   "Can I help you?" the woman asked. Her head floated in the black circle.
   "I'm sorry," he said. "I just mindlessly drew a circle in the air and then you appeared in the hole that was left behind."
   "Well, I'm here now," she said. "What can I do for you?"
   The man thought for a moment. "Can you tell me the meaning of life?"
   "For starters, it's short," she said. "So you shouldn't waste your time drawing circles in the air."

© 20210916



The Ladder

He passes a man on the street covering his eye with his hand. Blood trickles down the man's face. "Whatever you do," the man says, "don't climb that ladder." He continues on and encounters the ladder leaning against a building. He can't resist climbing it. When he reaches the top, a baby is perched precariously on the building ledge. He moves to rescue the baby before it falls, but then a crow swoops down and pecks his eye, blinding him. He screams in pain. The baby laughs joyously and claps its meaty little hands. He climbs back down the ladder and passes a man on the street. "Whatever you do," he tells the man, "don't climb that ladder. Unless you wanna see the meanest baby and crow in the world."
   The man can't resist climbing the ladder.

© 20210915



The Hand

His hand walked away on its fingers. He disciplined it with a frying pan, and it sheepishly returned to his arm.
   "That will teach you not to run away," he said.
   "I was only going to the closet to get you a gift," replied his hand.
   "In that case, go get it!" he said.
   His hand walked off and returned carrying a gun.
   "You shouldn't have!" he said. "Gimme!"
   "Oh, the gun is mine——it's a handgun after all. Your gift is what's inside."
   "Gimme what's inside then!" he said.
   "With pleasure," the hand said. It cocked the gun, took aim at his smile, and fired.

© 20210914



The Clown

There is a clown in their bed when they return home from a night out.
   "Can we help you?" they ask.
   "Can you bring back my pet dog?" the clown asks. "I'm so lonely."
   "Where did your dog go?" they ask.
   "He ran away from the circus," the clown says.
   "That's not much to go on," they say. "And why are you in our bed?"
   "I'm so lonely," says the clown.

© 20210913



Spider Head

He drills a hole in his head to let in some air. A spider crawls inside and makes its home. Soon, his head is overrun with spider babies.
   "Your head is full of spiders!" they shriek.
   "Yes," he says. "But they eat all the bad bugs that are in there."

© 20210910



The Cat Draws a Self-Portrait

The cat draws a self-portrait. Beneath the image of itself it writes, MISSING. The cat hangs the picture by the hole in the wall where the mice live. When the mice step hesitantly out of the hole to check their surroundings before going to work for the day, they notice the sign. A squeaky cheer goes up among them. They draw a moustache and dark eyebrows on the cat's portrait. They tear the picture to shreds, set it on fire, and urinate upon it.
   The cat had no idea the mice hated it so fervently. It cannot even bring itself to pounce on the unsuspecting mice. Tears fall from its eyes; they hiss when they hit the flames engulfing its self-portrait.

© 20210909



The Bathtub

The bathtub closes like an oyster. When it finally opens again, several weeks later, there is a human skull inside. He has the idea to make an earring out of it for his wife. But he needs another skull to complete the pair. He instructs the bathtub to close again, which it does. He grows impatient after a few weeks and pries the tub open. Inside is a human head, partly decomposed. It moans in pain. He instructs the bathtub to close again, but it does not listen. The head moans. It will be some time before the earrings are ready.

© 20210908



The Hurt Back

Her back hurt. She asked it, "Why do you ache so?"
   "I pine for my one true love," her back said.
   "Who is that?" she asked.
   "The front of you," her back said. "It is so close and yet ever out of reach."
   "What if there were more distance between you?" she asked. "Would that help?"
   "It might," her back said.
   "I will make myself fat, then," she said, "and soon my front will be far away from you."
   "On second thought, I think that would make me sad."
   "Perhaps," she said. "But I will be happy." She began to eat.

© 20210907



Inside the Hair

He slices a strand of his wife's hair lengthwise with a tiny scalpel. Inside is a very long feeding trough, with hundreds of people hunched over it, eating.
   "What is it you are all eating?" he asks.
   One of the people looks up, wipes his face, and says, "Today's meal is a bad memory——a wife fighting with her husband and getting revenge by cleaning the toilet with his toothbrush."
   He spits repeatedly and rinses his mouth with water. "You know all that just by eating the inside of a hair?"
   "Sure do," the little eater says. "Yesterday, we ate a good memory. A woman made love to a gentleman and then the two of them spent all day in bed together."
   He smiled. "The same husband and wife, you mean?"
   "Same woman, yes," the little man says. "But a different fellow. This guy was good looking and had fresh breath."

© 20210906



The Toilet Goes to a Nutrionist

The toilet goes to a nutritionist.
   "What brings you here?" the nutritionist asks.
   "I'm interested in learning more about a whole-foods diet," the toilet says. "I eat too much shit."

© 20210903



Proud

They remove his hands so he will stop picking at his head. He begins biting the stumps where his hands used to be, so they remove his teeth. Then he begins massaging his gums with his toes, so they remove his feet. He begins to totter unsteadily on his legs, so they remove those, too. He doubles over in pain or anguish or anger, so they remove his torso. For good measure they remove everything but his head, which is now all he is.
   "Please," he says, "can you apply that lotion to my head? It is so itchy."
   "Why didn't you tell us that's all you needed?" they said.
   "You know me," he said. "I'm too proud to ask for help."

© 20210902



The Head of Flies

A swarm of flies form a head that begins to speak in tongues beneath a tree in the town common. People gather to hear it speak. They leave offerings of meat and treacle. The head of flies grows larger and blots out the tree where it resides. It buzzes gibberish, devours the cows that are led to it. The heart of the town simpleton is carved out and given up to the fly head--but the fly head refuses it. The supplicants are puzzled. They are about to drain the blood from the throat of a child when the head of flies speaks a discernible word for the first time: "No!"
   The townspeople are even more confused. An elder is brought forward toward the knife.
   "Something green," the head of flies says.
   They bring the child back.
   "No!" the head of flies says. "Green as in 'vegetables.' I was only eating your meat and blood and offal out of politeness."
   The people abandon the head of flies in disgust.

© 20210901



The Rag Man

A rag man douses himself with gasoline, goes outside, lights a cigarette, and waits to explode. But the cigarette burns down to nothing before this happens. He checks the can of gasoline: the word WATER is written on it in large letters.
   He lies down in the sun to dry out. He falls asleep and is picked up by a passerby, who brings the rag man to her home. She begins to cut him into pieces, to make rag children of him. He wakes up screaming.
   "I'm sorry," she says. "I thought you were dead. I decided to make children of you."
   "Oh no," he says. "Please don't do that. I'd much rather be dead!"
   "Don't be silly," she says. "You're a father now." She hands him a small, mewling rag child made from one of his feet.
   He jumps to his remaining foot and hobbles toward the door.
   "Where are you going?" she asks.
   "For cigarettes," he says. "And gasoline."

© 20210831



The Performance

At the performance, the artist stood alone onstage, with only his guitar, and asked if anyone had any requests. Many song titles were shouted out, but he took the request of a man in the front row.
   The artist tuned his guitar a moment, stepped forward to the edge of the stage, and bashed his guitar over the requestor's head.
   The man crumpled and the audience gasped.
   "What, do you not like my rendition of that particular song?" the artist asked.

© 20210830



The Collector

The floor cracks open. A tower of bric-a-brac rises and bursts through the roof. And old man forces his way out of the rubbly tower and announces himself as the collector. He asks for objects to add to his monument, which still grows toward the sky.
   "What have you done to our house?" they ask him.
   "Trinkets? Tchotchkes?"
   "Our floor is gone!" they say.
   "Gewgaws? Baubles?"
   "Our roof!"   "Trifles? Doodads?"
   They pull a random object from the tower and hand it to the collector.
   "Egads!" the collector says. "I've looked all over the world for one of these!" He climbs back inside the tower of trash, which descends into the earth.
   They look at the hole in their floor. They look at the sky, which they now have an unobstructed view of. And then the rain begins to fall.

© 20210827



Eye Scream

Eye mouths screaming for food. Worms are dangled, eaten. The eyes scream for more. Raw meat dropped into the eye maws. The eyes scream for more. A finger attached to the hand attached to the arm attached to the body that contains the eyes is positioned just out of reach from the eye teeth. The eye snaps, misses, snaps, misses, lunges and sinks its teeth into the finger. Efficient as a wood chipper, it devours the finger, the hand, the arm, the body until all that's left are two eyes. The eyes scream for more. One eye looks at the other. They lunge at one another.

© 20210826



Instant Death Monuments

A tombstone fell from the sky and landed on him, killing him instantly. Attached to the tombstone was a tag that read: Thank you for choosing Instant Death Monuments. When life gets too hectic and you forget to die, we'll come for you.

© 20210825



A Crowded Room

A crowded room said to all gathered within it, "My walls will be closing in shortly. Anyone who does not wish to be squashed should leave now." None of the assembled moved; they continued to converse and sip their drinks. Laughter rang. Again, the room announced that its walls would be closing in imminently, but still no one budged.
   The walls began to close in.
   "It's starting!" someone shouted.
   Everyone removed their clothes and found an attractive partner to be crushed against. Breath mints were eaten and introductions made.
   "Jack," they said. "Nice to meet you."
   "Jill," they said. "A pleasure."

© 20210824



The Missing Head

His head absconded in the night. He discovered this when he attempted to rub the sleep from his eyes in the morning. He bumbled about the house until he found the drawer where the notepad and pens were kept. He scrawled a sign that he thought read, Missing Head: average-looking, balding, poorly shaven, brown-eyed, large reward, but it was completely illegible. He added his phone number, bumbled outside, and tacked it to the telephone pole outside his house.
   Not long after, his phone rang. He bumbled toward the ringing, picked up the phone, but of course he couldn't hear the person on the other end. It was, in fact, his head calling, panicked. "I'm lost," his head said, "Oh, I am very lost."

© 20210823



Grass and Stone

Grass fell in love with stone. Grass told stone, "You are so old and hard I can't believe I love you." Stone told grass, "You are so green and soft I cannot believe my luck." Grass became brittle with age and died. Stone remained, swallowed eventually by earth, dead without dying. Never again, thought stone, but then the roots of new grass came a-tickling.

© 20210820



Monkey Bananas

They peeled a banana. Inside was meat. They returned to the store where they'd bought the banana and demanded an explanation. The clerk took them to the aisle where the bins of bananas were; one was clearly labeled Banana Bananas, the other, Monkey Bananas. "You want the banana bananas," the clerk said.
   "And who would actually want a banana made of monkey?" they asked.
   "Bananas eat the monkey bananas, and monkeys eat the banana bananas."
   "Are you calling us monkeys?" they asked, growing angry.
   "I would say you're more monkey than banana."
   "And what does that make you?"
   "I'm just a clerk in a store," the clerk said. "But I know enough to stay away from the monkey bananas."

© 20210819



Fowl Play

He lays himself upon the table to be carved like a turkey. He's even stuffed himself with onions for the occasion. But nobody wants to make the first slice. "Go on," he says, "I'm getting cold." Finally, mother picks up the knife and pushes it into his breast. He screams and blood spurts. "Wow, that really hurts!" he says. "Maybe we can order take-out." But mother finds she enjoys cutting his flesh and watching the blood spill, and she makes another slice. He screams again. The child tugs at her leg and bawls nonsense. "Thank you, my child," he says. "You can't stand to see me hurt! That's enough, mother!"
   "Darling's just hungry and growing impatient," mother says. The child laps at father's blood. "See?" she says.
   "I thought this was fowl play!" he screams. "But this is just foul play!"
   She stuffs an apple in his mouth. "There, now you're a pig. We thank you for bringing home the bacon!" She guides the knife toward his ribs and carves.

© 20210818



Rocks

They were boiling rocks on the stove. "These rocks are as hard as rocks!" he said.
   "Let's roast them instead," she said.
   They started a fire and roasted the rocks.
   "They're still hard as rocks! And hotter than hell!" he said.
   "Did you tenderize them first?" she asked.
   They smashed the rocks with a hammer. The rocks broke into smaller rocks.
   "They're still hard as rocks and hotter than hell and now there's more of the goddamn things!"
   "Were these leftover rocks? Did you get them from the freezer?" she asked.
   "Of course! We can't just splurge on fresh rocks every time we need them!"
   "Rocks, rocks, rocks!" she said. "I'm sick of them!"
   "Bah!" he said and dismissed her with a wave. They went to bed hungry again.

© 20210817



The Other They

They opened the door to their house and were met by themselves trying to leave.
   "Excuse us," they said.
   "Excuse us," the other they said.
   They entered and the other they left.
   They got ready for bed. When they exited the bathroom, they saw themselves in bed, reading.
   "Excuse us," they said.
   "Get out before we call the cops!" the other they said.
   They ran for the door. They were met by themselves trying to enter.
   "Excuse us," they said.

© 20210816



An Adventurous Dinner

He was clinging to the ceiling when she came home. He put a finger to his lips when she saw him, then pointed at the alligator sleeping in the middle of the kitchen. She placed a pair of ear muffs on the reptile's head.
   "What's going on?" she asked.
   "I had an adventurous dinner planned."
   "And?"
   "The rabbit ate the salad, the pig ate the rabbit, and the alligator ate the pig."
   "Let's just get a pizza," she said.
   "I already ordered one," he said. "But the gator ate that, too."
   "Great."
   "Hungry creatures, alligators," he said.

© 20210813



The Yard Sale

A man stands in front of his house moving his arm like a well pump. Water pours from his mouth. A fish flops out and lands on the grass, followed by a cross made of chicken bones, followed by an overdue library book, followed by sodden toilet paper.
   Comes a bowling ball, a bicycle, a beekeeper's mask, a bread maker. A fish tank for the fish, which he fills with the water still leaving his body.
   Finally, there is only blood exiting the man. He arranges all the vomitus on a table in his driveway and hangs a yard-sale sign on the light pole at the end of his street. People offer him money for his wares but he finds he is too attached to the objects. "I'm afraid I can't sell that," he says when someone makes an offer on the bowling ball. "It has sentimental value." He swallows the bowling ball. He swallows the bicycle, the beekeeper's mask——all of it except the fish, which a crafty crow steals when he isn't looking. This leaves him so distraught that he cancels the yard sale. "Come back next weekend," he tells the assembled. "Right now, I need to mourn my fish, and my stomach is upset."

© 20210812



The Party

They came calling for him. They were smiling and dressed brightly for the party. He told them he couldn't go out; it was going to rain.
   They told him the sky was blue, the sun was high, the party awaited.
   He declined. "At some point, it is going to rain." He shut the door.

© 20210811



The Man in the Ceiling Vent

The man in the ceiling vent died. His rot stunk up the entire house. Soon his smell spread throughout the neighborhood.
   "Aren't you going to do something about it?" one neighbor asked, holding his nose.
   "Not while his wife is still grieving," we said. And then, as if on cue, one of her tears fell from the vent onto the shiny shoe top of our neighbor.

© 20210810



The Rabbits' Demands

The rabbits arrived with a set of demands. More clover to eat, less dogs chasing them, better accommodations underground. They were told to get lost. They returned the following week, holding baby rabbits, with another demand: now they wanted help caring for their offspring. Again, they were told to get lost. The baby rabbits, now grown, returned the following week, pushing their now old parents in wheelchairs. Another demand: eldercare assistance. They were told to get lost. They promised to be back. Their demands would be heard, they were legion, multiplying, infinite.

© 20210809



The Cage

His plan was to waste away enough that he would fit between the bars of his cage. He refused the meager meals he was given once a day.
   "This one has given up," his captors said. "He doesn't even want to eat anymore."
   His plan was working perfectly.
   He grew skinnier with each passing day until finally he was able to slip between the bars. He waited until the guard fell asleep before attempting his escape. But he was so diminished that he collapsed from exhaustion only halfway out of his cage. The guard woke up and pushed him back inside.
   The guard called for a stonemason to come and brick the prisoner in. "He's stopped eating anyway," the guard said. "And I can't bear to see him suffer so."

© 20210806



The Early Bird

The early bird waits for the worm to wake up. But the worm is a lazy layabout who likes to sleep in. And because the worm went cavorting the night prior, it is even slower to rouse than usual. In fact, in a wakeful moment, it notes its crushing headache and considers crawling to the surface into the waiting beak of the early bird, just to be put out of its misery. But that would make the early bird happy, and the worm won't have that. The early bird is a go-getter and a worm hates nothing more than a go-getter. So it slumbers, and the early bird does not get the worm.

© 20210805



Under the Cemetery

Under the cemetery, a trial is being held. One of the dead stands accused of celebrating life, having found a still-full can of beer and drinking it.
   "Why do you shirk the eternal black of death?" they ask.
   "I was haunted by the memory of life," he says.
   "So you celebrate it?" they say.
   "I was not celebrating," the accused says. "I recalled that it was a custom among some to wash memories away with drink, so that is what I attempted to do."
   "And?"
   "Just as in life, it did not work."

© 20210804



The Mousemobile

The mice build a car on wheels of cheese. They never get to drive because they eat the wheels every day. Every evening while waiting for new wheels to arrive, the mice put the car up on blocks. But the blocks are made of cheddar, and they cannot resist eating these, either. The mousemobile ends up on the ground until morning, when the new wheels are delivered and mounted. Then one of the mice suggests a nibble——just a nibble——and soon the cheddar blocks are brought out once more and once more they are eaten. The mousemobile remains idle another day.

© 20210803



The Leg

His leg hurt. He stabbed the spot where it hurt. Now his leg hurt worse.
   "Why did you do that?" she asked.
   "It was hurting me," he said. "Naturally, I wanted to hurt it back."
   "What are you doing now?" she asked.
   He started the chainsaw. "Finishing what my leg started."

© 20210802



The House's Diet

The house decided to become vegetarian. It ate all the plants inside itself but was left unsatisfied so it decided to become a pescatarian. It ate all the fish in the fishtank inside itself but was still unsatisfied so it decided to become a carnivore. It ate all the people inside itself but was still unsatisfied.
   The house realized it had only been eating itself bit by bit, which is why it still felt empty. As it was already a cannibal, it decided to turn its appetite to the house next door. A whole neighborhood of meals awaited.

© 20210730



The Washing Machine

It was the first load of laundry in the new washing machine. He went to take the clothes out of the machine but they were missing. He found the operating manual and read that this model utilized teleportation; that is, one put the clothes in the machine, started it, and they were whisked away to a professional laundry service, where they were washed, folded, and teleported back within one business day.
   The next day, there in the washing machine was a pile of neatly folded laundry——none of it his. He started the machine up again, and the laundry that wasn't his was whisked away.
   The next day, it was the same: the washing machine was full of someone else's laundry. He sent it back, then called customer service. He was on hold for several weeks, during which time the washing machine broke down and he ran out of clean clothes to wear. The manufacturer said they would send someone out to fix the machine in a week or so.
   When the technician finally arrived, he wearing the man's favorite sweater and corduroys. "Those are my clothes!" the man screamed. He was naked and spitting with rage, stamping his feet and pulling his hair. The technician slipped out and radioed someone from his van. Shortly thereafter, an ambulance arrived and out came the men in white coats. Such pristine and beautifully clean white coats!

© 20210729



The Rat

He removed his hat so the rat that lived on his head could feel the breeze.
   "It's a lovely day, isn't it?" said the rat.
   "It is," he said. "Just think, if you moved out of the hat on my head, you could experience this all the time."
   "I'm afraid I can't afford to live anywhere else," the rat said. "The rent here is so cheap."
   The rat had bitten his scalp the last time he tried to raise the rent, which was currently zero dollars.
   "Well," the man said, "I've been thinking of selling the place."
   "I'll take it!" said the rat.
   "How could you afford that?"
   "I said I'd take it." He bit the man's head. "Who said anything about buying?"

© 20210728



An Egg Fell from Him

An egg fell from him. He put it back inside. It fell again. "Please stay inside me until it is time for breakfast," he told the egg. "I don't have time right now to deal with your delicacy. I'd prefer you as a delicacy." He put it back inside, where it remained. He finished his work and went to bed.
   In the morning, he waited for the egg to fall but it did not. He jumped up and down until it dropped. He prepared the frying pan with butter and cracked the egg into it. Rank blood oozed out of the rotten egg.
   "Not again!" he cried.

© 20210727



The Curtain

Don't part the curtain. See that tentacle dangling out from beneath it? Feel the burning heat behind it when you step too close? Do you not gag from the sulphurous odor rising from it? Did you not slip in the blood slick pooling below it? Can't you hear the low moaning of something dying?
   Don't part the curtain. There's a mirror on the other side.

© 20210726



The Salespig

There was a pig at the door. It was selling footballs.
   "How could you sell out your own kind like that?" he asked the pig.
   "Everybody's gotta make a living," said the pig. "Besides, it's no skin off my back."

© 20210723



The Dig

A deep hole is being dug. What are they digging for?
   "Water," someone says.
   "Gas," someone says.
   "Pipes filled with water," someone says.
   "Pipes filled with gas," someone says.
   "Gold!" the head digger shouts. "We're digging for gold!"
   Everybody else piles into the hole. They tangle and fight and smother one another. The hole is filled in and everyone is buried.
   "Did I say gold?" the head digger says. "Sorry, I meant grave."

© 20210722



The Running Nose

His nose was running. It wanted to get in shape. Specifically, the shape of a leg. He told his nose that he did not want a leg on his face.
   "Don't you, though?" his nose said before sprinting away.

© 20210721



Sleep Leads

Sleep leads, wearing a gray dress, just out of fingertip reach. It trips but rather than fall drifts upward into the night. Dust rains down and you open your eyes to catch it. It stings, offers nothing but irritation, tears.
   Sleep floats, its gray dress dragging across the treetops. You climb a tree to try and hitch a ride by grabbing hold of the hem, but it unravels and you fall, pulling with you a length of gray thread as long as the night. Sleep leaves you bleary-eyed, on the ground, on your back, staring at nothing.

© 20210720



Stick

A stick. A stickman. A stick, man-made. Stickman-made stickmen. Stickman-made stickmen make sticks. Many sticks, many stickmen. We're stuck with them.

© 20210719



The Man with the Hammer

The man with the hammer arrived to drive the nail into the unfortunate one's skull.
   "How do I look?" the unfortunate one asked, as if he were going to be on TV.
   "Perfectly awful," the man with the hammer said. "Why do you think they sent me?"

© 20210716



Same Old

He defecated a duck. The duck quacked, then perched on his shoulder. The duck defecated a snake down the man's back. The snake climbed onto the man's shoulder, ate the duck, then slithered into the man's navel. His belly griped. He grabbed his middle and groaned. "It's always the same old shit," he said.

© 20210715



In the Nightmare

In the nightmare, she kissed him and he died. She attended his funeral in black and wept into the white handkerchief he used to keep in his pocket. She harbored a secret: she had wished him dead at the moment of their kiss; she only wanted to see if it would come true. Alas . . . 
   He woke up. Realizing he was alive, he wept uncontrollably.
   "What's wrong?" she asked.
   "I was so close!" he said. "Kiss me quick!"

© 20210714



Born in a Tin Can

He was born in a tin can. His brothers were beans and his sisters sardines.
   "Where are our parents?" he asked.
   He was told they were out there, waiting to eat them.
   "Why would they eat us?" he asked.
   "What are children for but to be eaten?" they said.

© 20210713



A Leaf Goes Missing

A leaf goes missing. The tree is despondent. It wails and shakes. More leaves go missing and it wails and shakes even more until the tree is bare. A season of mourning ensues. The tree feels that it is passing on. It welcomes the chill of death. But then its tips begin to itch and stretch. A pregnant feeling fills its limbs. A burst of green follows a burst of green follows a burst of green follows a burst of green. The tree shivers.
   "This guy needs a psychiatrist, not a brain surgeon," the head doctor said. "He's nuts!"

© 20210712



On the Operating Table

On the operating table, they saw that his brain was a walnut. Inside the walnut shell was a small human brain. When they sliced into that brain, they discovered another walnut. Inside that walnut shell was another, even smaller brain. They got out the tiniest scalpel they had, sliced open the brain, and discovered another walnut.
   "This guy needs a psychiatrist, not a brain surgeon," the head doctor said. "He's nuts!"

© 20210709



The Plant Smoked

The plant smoked. The smoke rose. A rose bloomed. The bloom faded. The fated died. The dead burned. The burn hurried. The hurried quieted. The quiet lasted. The last arrived. The rival planned. The planet turned.

© 20210708



The Stranger

A stranger came to the door. "I remember this door," he told us when we opened it. We explained to him that this door was not here prior to us installing it. "I remember this room," he said, peering over our shoulders. We explained to him that this room did not exist prior to us building it. "I remember that smell," he said sniffing the air wafting out of the still-open door. We explained to him that we brought that smell with us when we created this home. "May I have a tour to see if all is as I remember?" he asked. We explained that nothing is as he remembered, that memory is the most fallible thing of all. He wept and wept and wept. "On the front lawn," we said, "so you can water the grass, where your tears won't be wasted." Then we shut the door.

© 20210707



Ate a Wolf

Ate a wolf. Howled at the moon. Ate a dog. Humped a leg. Ate a cat. Slept in the sun. Ate a shark. Slept in motion. Ate a snake. Shed all skin. Ate a monkey. Felt almost human. Ate a human. Felt like a monster. Ate a monster. Woke up from the nightmare.

© 20210706



The House that Ate Itself

The roof slurped the chimney like a strand of spaghetti. The attic ate each shingle of the roof like a bowl of corn flakes. The upstairs ate the cobwebbed attic only grudgingly. The downstairs ate the upstairs with delight, savoring the steps like an ear of sweet corn. The basement burbled with bile and devoured everything that remained: the plaque-clogged plumbing, the wilting wires, the moldering meat of the home's former occupants: a cat and its fur, two humans and their hair. Nothing was left but the bone-white toilet, which not even the hungriest house would eat.

© 20210705



The Flower

He is awakened by a pink flower sniffing his neck. He gently pushes it away but it resists.
   The flower sniffs the hair on his head. It sniffs under his arms. It angles toward his groin but he will not let it sniff there. He takes hold of it and follows its stem, which goes out the window and originates in the garden directly over the spot where he buried his dog the previous summer.
   He coils the long stem like a garden hose and buries it in the dirt. He turns to leave and there is the flower, at his ankles, following. He returns the flower to the garden. "Stay," he says, "stay."

© 20210702



The Motor

The motor——the motor that makes everything in our town run, that generates the electricity that powers the streetlights; brings visual, auditory, and vibratory pleasures into our homes; provides us with fire to roast meats; keeps our sleeping tombs cool, and so on——the motor requires baby oil, which we currently lack. The baby press is stuck. A particularly tangled and tough batch of babies went into the press; the press wheel could not be turned as normal. Only a trickle of baby oil was collected in the basin. The motor, which cannot be stopped, is growing dangerously hot for lack of lubrication. The babies gumming up the press are growing angry, spitting blood and screaming at us. No one dares enter the press to clear it. The motor is going to seize, and our town, our world as we know it, will cease to exist.
   The rattles! Bring the rattles to distract the babies and then we'll go in. We'll press the bastards by hand if we must.

© 20210701



The Naked Cat

A cat removes its fur suit to cool off. It catches a glimpse of itself in the mirror and sees that its flesh resembles mouse meat. It is about to tear into its forepaw when it remembers that it is itself, not a mouse. It puts its fur back on but it is not long before it is too hot again. This time, it takes its fur off and goes outside where there are no mirrors.
   There are no mirrors, but there are other hungry cats and dogs and humans tending barbecues and meat-eating birds and cannibalistic mice that think the cat is made of mouse meat. The eyes of all are trained on the naked cat.
   It goes inside to put its fur back on.

© 20210630



A Heavy Snow

A heavy snow fell. It toppled buildings, crushed forests, rubbled mountains, and smothered oceans. It had no effect on humans, however, melting on their skin like any other flurry. But they no longer had homes nor means with which to remove the snow, which was heavier than stone. They found, however, that if they waded through the snow it would atomize upon touching their flesh, leaving no trace. So they removed their clothing and crawled on hands and knees, leaving paths in the snow behind them. When they encountered another human in their travels, they kissed as they passed. In this way, they found mates whom they promised themselves to and made plans to reunite when the work of ridding the world of snow was complete. The future embraces of their betrothed made it bearable to continue crawling, to forget that the heavy snow had never stopped falling, to avoid looking into the endless gray swarming sky.

© 20210629



The Egg Pool

Dive into the egg pool. We're trying to be born again. Swimming is easy in the albumen; we glide like tadpoles through it. Watch the sun——if it gets too hot, you'll be cooked like quiche. Beware the birds circling above, waiting to peck our skulls open. Beware the wolves looming, wanting to lap the liquid we find ourselves in.
   No, you can't leave. You'll be as stiff as a statue minutes after leaving the egg pool. The luxuriant slime we slip through will become cement in the sun. Stay and wade, avoid the dangers that lie in wait.

© 20210628



A Good Head

His skull had gone soft. He pushed the top of it in and made a wine bowl for his wife. His eyes moved down to his mouth.
   "I'm seeing things differently," he said, his eyes bouncing like marbles on the back of his tongue.
   "Me, too," said his wife, halfway through her second bottle of Chianti. "Can this hold spaghetti?" she asked before licking his concave head clean.
   "Oh, yes," he said. "Bread and salad, too."
   "What a good head you turned out to have," she said.
   "Yes, it wasn't hard at all," he said. "I'll start the water boiling for the pasta."

© 20210625



A Bear Seeks a Pillow

A bear seeks a pillow. "The rock in my cave is giving me a stiff neck," the bear says.
   "The only spare pillow we have is an old feather-filled thing," they say.
   "Oh, that won't do," the bear says. "I'm allergic."
   "We have a sack of potatoes that might work," they say.
   "That would be a very lumpy pillow," the bear says.
   "We could mash the potatoes," they say.
   "Oh, but then I would just eat the pillow, mashed potatoes being my favorite," the bear says.
   "Isn't that funny," they say. "We're having mashed potatoes for dinner."
   "You don't say?" The bear turns bashful. "I don't suppose you have enough to share."
   "Oh, we can manage an extra spot at the table," they say.
   After dinner, the bear is sleepy. "Do you think I could lie down in front of your fireplace? Just for a little while."
   "Please do," they say. The bear sprawls out on its belly before the crackling fire and is soon asleep.
   They open a bottle of wine and cozy up on the bear's back. They clink glasses and kiss.

© 20210624



The Chipmunk Chirped

The chipmunk chirped like a bird. Because of this, a chickadee fell in love with the chipmunk and proposed marriage.
   "I don't think my family would like that," the chipmunk said.
   "Mine wouldn't either, but love is love," said the chickadee.
   "I'll need to think about it," said the chipmunk.
   "Fly away with me," said the chickadee.
   "I'm afraid of flying," the chipmunk said.
   "Perhaps this relationship was doomed before it ever got off the ground," said the chickadee.
   The chipmunk chirped.
   "I'm not falling for that again," the chickadee said and then flew away.

© 20210623



A Tree Story

He climbed a tree and couldn't get down. All the branches had broken under his weight on the way up. He was a large man.
   He hugged the trunk of the tree. The ground was far below. He cried for help.
   Firemen came and told him to just slide down the tree like it was a pole.
   "I'm afraid of splinters," he said.
   "The alternative is to jump into this tiny wading pool." The firemen placed the small basin beneath the tree.
   "That seems awfully small," said the man. "And there's no water in it."
   "Yeah, we're fresh out of water," one of the firemen said. "It's been a problem as you can see." They gestured to the wildfires burning all around. Smoke clouded the air.
   "I hadn't noticed all the fire," he said.
   "You're preoccupied, understandably," the other fireman said.
   "Shouldn't you be focused on that?" he said.
   "The whole water thing has really hampered our efforts."
   "Maybe you could bring some in from the ocean?"
   The firemen whispered to one another, then shouted in unison, "It just might work!" They got into the fire engine and sped away.
   The fire approached. The flames had begun to lick the tree he was stranded on. Maybe it will burn the tree in increments, he thought, and the tree will be consumed from the bottom up, turning to ash and growing shorter until finally he could touch his toes to the ground and run away. He thought it was possible. He was a large but nimble man; after all, hadn't he climbed up this tree as swiftly as any squirrel?
   "It just might work!" he cried.

© 20210622



The Arm Cycle

A hand rises up from the earth. They pull on the hand and the arm to which it is attached follows. The arm is seemingly without end. They keep pulling and the arm keeps coming.
   Coils of arm pile up. A new landscape is created: mountains and hills of arms form. They continue to pull the arm from the earth.
   There is too much arm. They don't know what to do with it. Someone says they should bury the arm. Deep trenches are dug and the arm is rolled into it.
   They free the arm from the earth, they bury the arm in the earth. It is a cycle without end.

© 20210621



The Fox

A fox comes around asking for eggs. "I'm baking a cake," the fox says.
   "You can bake?" she says to the fox.
   "Not well," says the fox. "But I'm getting better."
   "I see," she says. "What kind of cake are you baking?"
   "A chicken cake," says the fox.
   "Oh, that sounds lovely," she says.
   "Oh, it is, it is," says the fox. "I'll bring you a taste. Now, about those eggs?"
   She gives the fox two eggs and the fox goes on its way.
   Back in its den, the fox sets the two eggs in a makeshift nest and waits for them to turn into chickens.

© 20210618



The Sigh

The sigh left his body like a cloud. It hovered in the air above him for a moment, then drifted out the window and entered the neighbor's house through the chimney. The neighbors ran out of the house, choking and gasping for air, before expiring on the lawn.
   The gray sigh exited the chimney and moved on to the next house over.
   He sighed. "There goes the neighborhood," he said to no one.

© 20210617



The Robin

A robin dyes its breast blue.
   Its fellow robins ask why.
   "Because I am sad," replies the robin. "This color suits my mood."
   "Why are you sad?" they ask.
   "Because I was born with a red breast, which doesn't suit me at all."
   "But now you're blue——doesn't that make you happy?"
   "It did, but then I remembered that I dyed my breast blue to remind me of my sadness."
   "Why not choose a different color?"
   "Blue is my favorite color," says the robin.
   "But it reminds you of your sadness!" they shout.
   "I am willing to be sad if it means I can be happy."

© 20210616



How to Be a Boss

He arrives at work to find that his boss has been replaced by a large mean-looking dog with yellow teeth and a loud bark. Before he can even put his things down, the dog summons him to its office with a woof.
   The man closes the door behind him.
   "Woof," the dog says.
   He sits down.
   "Woof," the dog says.
   "I can explain," the man says. "The traffic——"
   "Woof," the dog says.
   "That's true," the man says. "You managed to get here on time, though this is the first I've seen you here——"
   "Woof," the dog says.
   "I'll do better!" the man says.
   "Woof," the dog says.
   "But you can't let me go——I have a wife and family!" the man says.
   "Woof," the dog says.
   The man is about to see himself out when he remembers the ham sandwich in the brown paper bag in his hand. He takes it out and holds it tantalizingly in the air between him and the dog.
   The dog sits at attention, tongue lolling.
   The man guides the dog toward the door with the sandwich. He throws the sandwich into the hall and the dog lunges after it. He shuts the door to the office. He calls the front desk and asks to be transferred to the research department.
   "Hello, research?" he says. "I need all the literature you can give me on how to be a boss."

© 20210615



A Stabbed Man

A stabbed man staggers into the hospital emergency room. A knife is stuck fast in his chest, which is bleeding profusely.
   The staff rushes out to assist him. "Who did this to you?" they ask. But he cannot speak and collapses.
   "Who did this to you? they ask again. They listen to his chest and hear a tinny voice. "This idiot threw himself on me," says the knife. "I'm suffocating in here——save me!"

© 20210614



A Box of Teeth

A box of teeth is delivered. They click and pop like corn kernels in a hot pan. We open our gummy mouths and catch the teeth on our tongues. The teeth decide if they want to stay in our mouths or leave. The ones that want to stay fight for the best gum-holes; the holes in front with a view of the world are the first to be claimed, mainly by the muscled molars that force their way in. The teeth that don't want to stay hop back into the box.
   Once our mouths are filled, we smile crazy smiles: molars in the front, canines in the back, incisors lying lazily sideways. Our lips don't know what to do.
   We reseal the box of teeth, affix new postage stamps, and send it on its way.

© 20210611



The Burial

He breaks a glass and buries it.
   A week later, the glass surfaces, whole again.
   He thinks of the broken watch that has been resting in his nightstand for many years. He buries it.
   A week later, his watch surfaces, ticking again.
   He thinks of her. He buries himself to try and heal his broken heart.
   But the earth just keeps him like any other body that has been buried——which is fine, for in the end his heart no longer aches.

© 20210610



A Wooden Man

A wooden man is born to a family in need of heat.
   "He's made of wood," the father says. "And our fire is dying out."
   "But it's our child," the mother says.
   "He's a man," the father says. "You can tell by the brown clothes he wears, by the smell of tobacco and whiskey on his breath."
   "But such an awful death it will be," the mother says.
   "Like any man, he was born to die," says the father. "And I can't think of a more noble death for a wooden man."
   "So be it," the mother says.
   Into the fire goes the wooden man. The home is filled with warmth.
   A man of flesh is born into the same family.
   "He's made of meat," the father says. "And our larder is nearly empty."

© 20210609



The Obituary

The obituary read, He died.
   Did he live? they wondered.
   That was debatable. But he definitely died.

© 20210608



The Cloud Gets a Haircut

A cloud gets a haircut. "Just trim away that swirly tail I'm dragging across the sky."
   The barber snips.
   "If you would, just even out that bump up top that makes me look fat."
   The barber snips.
   "How about you accentuate my natural waves by chopping here and there?"
   The barber snips.
   "Now," the cloud says, "what can we do about all this white?"

© 20210607



The Melting Brain

His brain had begun to melt. Gray liquid trickled from his eyes, ears, and nose.
   "It's not a cold," he told anyone who would listen. "My brain is melting."
   "That's nice," people said, if they said anything at all.
   "You might ask me anything or converse with me now," he said. "I will probably soon lose the ability to speak." His shirt was dark with brain.
   "That's nice," some people said, though most just grunted.
   He said, "Grrr." he said, "Mmmm."
   "Hrrr," people said. "Nnnn," people said.
   That's nice, he thought, which ended up being his last thought. It rolled down his cheek like a gray tear and dropped onto his shoe top. Then he lay down. He lies there still.

© 20210604



A Pleasant Book

A bird sits under a tree reading a book. It is a pleasant book, but the words pass before the bird's eyes almost without being absorbed. The bird is happy just to be sitting beneath a tree, with a book.
   A worm curls up from the earth like a tentacle and pulls the bird underground.
   It is dark. The bird is restrained about its wings, feet, and neck by unseen forces.
   A match is struck and a candle lit and the bird sees its captor in the dull light. The worm's face is covered by a black mask without holes for eyes or mouth.
   "My father," the worm says.
   "Yes?" the bird says.
   "My mother," the worm says.
   "Yes, what of them?" the bird says.
   "My whole family," the worm says.
   "What do you want?" cries the bird.
   "The pliers," the worm says to one of its unseen associates in the shadows.

© 20210603



The Insects

The insects take the bait and bring it to the bunker, but they don't eat it. They collect it all and bake it into bread that they bring to the surface under cover of night and leave on the counter for those that tried to kill them.
   In the morning, the humans awake to the sight of the beautiful loaf and begin their breakfast with toast made from it.
   "Thank you for the bread, love," he says.
   "No, thank you for the bread, dear," she says.
   "I didn't make the bread," he says.
   "Well, I didn't make the bread," she says.
   "Is your throat itching?" he asks.
   "It's burning," she says.
   "Actually, it's hard to breathe," he says.
   "Can't speak, really," she says.
   " . . . love . . . ," he says.
   " . . . love . . . ," she says.
   They expire. The insects feast on their remains for many months.

© 20210602



The Lawn

In the morning, the lawn is rumpled, like a blanket that has been thrown aside by a freshly woken body.
   They go outside and make the front yard like a bed, tucking and smoothing the green lawn just so. They go about their days, away from the house, and when they return, the lawn is just as they left it.
   But in the morning, the lawn is once more unkempt. Again, they tuck and smooth the lawn.
   At night, they look out the window and the lawn is undulating. The undulations reach a crescendo and then cease. Then they smell cigarette smoke. The moon is huge.
   They search for a bucket to fill with cold water to throw on the lawn.

© 20210601



On Death Row

A pig is about to be executed. It is asked what it would like its last meal to be.
   "A man sandwich," the pig says.
   A man, on death row with the pig, is told he will be made into a sandwich for the pig after his execution. The man is then asked what he would like to eat for his last meal.
   "I want to eat that sonofabitching pig," the man says. "I thought we were friends."

© 20210531



Crumbs

Crumbs collect in the toaster. They look up and see freedom, but no way out.
   The world is blotted out by bread. Then comes the scorching heat. The heartier crumbs are diminished, but survive, hardened. They hate the one out there; they want to kill the one out there. The smaller crumbs are burned alive.
   One crumb grabs onto the bread. It holds tight in preparation for ejection. Freedom awaits. A knife and butter, too, but this the crumb doesn't know, not yet.

© 20210528



The Cat's Request

The cat brings a bird home and requests it be roasted.
   "Don't cats eat raw meat?" you ask.
   "Not me," the cat says. "I'm evolved."
   "Not evolved enough to cook, it seems," you say.
   "Give me time," the cat says. "Now, please get going——I'm hungry."
   "Not hungry enough to just eat the bird you caught!"
   "I purchased this bird from my butcher!" the cat shouts. "Do you take me for an animal?"

© 20210527



The Fallen Man

In spring, they clean the leaves from the previous fall. Beneath the leaves, they find a man asleep.
   They rouse him, with difficulty, and ask him if he's okay.
   "I fell from the tree and was in the process of dying." He pinches his brown and brittle skin, which cracks between his fingers. "But apparently, there's a little life left in me yet." He sits up, then rises to his feet, supporting himself with the trunk of the tree from which he fell. He coughs dust. He takes a step and crumbles into a pile on the ground.
   "Collect me," he says, with a smile on his papery lips. "Put me in a bag. Incinerate me. Make me smell warm and inviting. Make me burn your eyes with smoke."

© 20210526



Finding the Dog

A man walked down the street, dragging an empty leash. He was looking for a dog.
   "Where is your dog?" they asked him.
   "I haven't found it yet," the man said.
   "Where did you lose it?" they asked.
   "I haven't found it yet," the man repeated.
   "Yes, but if you tell us where you lost it, we can help you find it," they said.
   "Okay," he said, "but first we'd have to find the dog and then lose it, then find it again. I'd prefer to simply find the dog."
   "Tell us what this dog looks like," they said.
   "I haven't found it yet," the man said.

© 20210525



The Puddle

In the puddle is a little man in a little boat. He casts a line from his fishing rod, which quickly arcs under the weight of an unseen fish. He begins to reel in and the ground beneath your feet trembles then cracks. A whale bursts from the earth, atomizing the puddle containing the little man and his boat. You grab onto the whale's blowhole as it soars into the air then flops over and back down again, back into open earth from where it just issued.

© 20210524



Birds with Lips

The bird had lips. It was thrown from the nest for lacking a beak. It hid in a bush waiting for its wings to grow so it could fly somewhere else. In the bush, it met another bird, also with lips. They shared their stories, which were the same: banished for being beakless.
   They cried together. They helped each other find bugs to eat. They laughed together. They plotted their revenge on their families. They kissed. They fell in love.
   They decided they didn't care about flying or their families. They made the bush their home. They kissed and kissed and kissed.

© 20210521



Hothead

There were flames dancing from his nostrils and ears. They doused him with water and then there was water pouring from him instead of flames. They packed him with clay and sand and then there was mud dripping instead. They threw seeds at him and watched the grass grow green from his head.
   They left him in the sun without water and waited for him to wither and die.
   When he was yellow, they cut him short, to nothing. He was a hothead, they said, it had to be done.

© 20210520



The New Hole

A hole occurs in the roof. They have no shingles to repair it, so he goes up there to cover the hole with his body. He's pelted with rain, buffeted by wind. When his wife returns home, she throws rocks at him, thinking he's a burglar or vandal.
   "It's me," he says. "There's a hole in the roof that I'm covering up."
   "Why don't you just move the chimney over the hole," she says. "Every chimney needs a good hole."
   He moves the chimney, brick by brick and places it over the hole.
   She applauds his work but points to where the chimney had been. "There's another hole in the roof," she says.
   He scooches over to the new hole and covers it with his body. He's pelted with rain, buffeted by wind.

© 20210519



Washing Up

He washed his face off and it swirled down the drain without his noticing. When he raised his head from the sink and looked in the mirror, there was nothing there——not a mirror and not a reflection of his face. It was black. He thought he had forgotten to open his eyes, but of course his eyes had been washed away, along with the rest of his features.
   He bumbled his way out of the house and into the street, where one of the neighbors called an ambulance, but not before a bird took up residence in the place where his face had been.
   Sometime later, in the sea, a fish could be found wearing his nose as a hat for its fin, and there was a turtle practicing its pout with his lips, and an oyster had claimed his eyes for pearls.

© 20210518



Sap Finger

Cut finger. Sap leaks. Suck finger. Throat sticks. Oxygen dwindles. Visions seen: Purple cat, climbing vines, giant ants, revolving stars, dripping fire. Words heard: Knife down, dirty finger, stop that, learn lesson, never learn.

© 20210517



The Pit

A great pit appeared in their backyard. It was pure black and perfectly rectangular in shape. He threw a pebble into it and the pebble made no sound. He loosed a large rock from the earth and dropped it in; again, there was no sound.
   "Let's just walk around it," she said.
   "I need to find that rock," he said.
   "Why?" she asked.
   "It was the hollow rock with the house key hidden in it."
   "The one we came out here to look for?"
   "Yes," he said.
   "Why would you throw that away?"
   "Because I saw this pit and it's always been my understanding that pits eat rocks."
   "I'm afraid for you to go into the pit," she said. "Let's forget the key. Let's build another house with its own key."
   "Don't be afraid, love. I'm not a rock, just a man, and pits don't eat men." He kissed her and stepped forward.

© 20210514



The Train

A train rolls into town. It is a passenger train, but the windows are dark and the train is unoccupied. It moves slowly and appears to have no end.
   People stand at the crossing, waiting to proceed on their way, but the train continues its passage. They wait and look at their wrists where a watch once would have been.
   "There's an open door!" someone shouts and then climbs aboard the moving train. Other people follow. Once on the train, the people vanish from view. They made it out the other side, people think. Something bad happened to them, think others. But everybody follows, to seek their freedom or to help the missing. Their reasons matter not: once aboard, they all vanish from sight.

© 20210513



Windland

In Windland, a knife flies through the air and impales the head of a man who was chasing after a paper napkin. The hot dog in his hand is taken by the wind and lands in the open frothing mouth of a rabid dog; the infected saliva of the dog is carried by the wind into the lungs of onlookers who stand with their own mouths agape.
   In Windland, bullets reverse course to kill their shooters, umbrellas take their bearers on unwanted flights, and hats intended to hide bad hair streak like comets across the sky.
   In Windland, the afternoon paper slaps you full in the face and wraps its front page around your head: Man Impaled; Rabid Dog Still at Large. Today's Weather: Windy.

© 20210512



The Dermatologist

He went to the doctor to complain of dry skin. The doctor took a close look at the affected area on his face and said, "You have a desert island here and on it is a skinny, disheveled man in rags waving a white flag."
   "Can you save him?" asked the patient.
   "I'm just a dermatologist," the doctor replied.
   "What does that mean?" the patient asked.
   "It means I can neither captain the boat or pilot the plane required to rescue him."

© 20210511



Stuffed Animals

Animals stuffed with humans stagger out of the restaurant, belching and picking their teeth with finger bones. In their overfed stupor, they let the nets fall as softly as blankets upon them. Tranquilizer darts sink into their flesh and they all fall down.
   The stuffed animals are rounded up and brought to the toy store, where their teeth and claws are removed and their brains lobotomized. They are placed on shelves and wait to be pointed at and brought home by children.

© 20210510



The Monkey with the Metal Tail

The monkey drags its metal tail on the pavement. The tail sparks and splits open, revealing the meat inside. The meat catches fire, fools people into thinking there's a barbecue. A crowd chases the monkey through the streets with tongs and forks and sauces. The monkey heads toward the one tree still standing in town, on the common, and climbs it.
   "Get a ladder!" someone cries.
   The monkey begins to gnaw at its metal tail, its pride and joy. The monkey's gums bleed as its teeth chew through the metal, then through the meat, and then the bone. The monkey's mouth drips blood as it drops its severed, smoldering tail to the hungry mob below.
   The monkey recalls the words of its mother, on the day it decided to leave home: Why decamp for a town with no trees? Where others will covet your metal tail? Stay, stay, and never leave.

© 20210507



Her Real Eyes

She stared out the window, at what no one knew. People passed by and waved, but she didn't wave back. They pulled faces but she never cracked a smile or showed her teeth. They angrily threatened to break the thin pane of glass that separated them but she never blinked.
   She sits there now, staring out the window.
   If anyone were to go inside to check on her, they would see the eyes in the back of her head——her real eyes, not the show eyes in the front of her head——are watching the third extra inning of a Sunday afternoon baseball game. They flick with every pitch thrown to the plate.

© 20210506



The Sword Swallower

He swallowed a sword, accidentally.
   The doctor held up the X-ray. "Yep, looks like you swallowed a sword."
   "Accidentally," the man said, unintelligibly because the hilt of the sword was protruding from his mouth.
   "You shouldn't do that," the doctor said.
   "It was an accident," the man reiterated, unintelligibly.
   "Hold tight," the doctor said. He put his foot on the man's head and drew out the sword.
   "Ah!" the man said. "What a relief!"
   "Please don't do that again," the doctor said.
   "I told you it was an accident," the man said.
   "How does one accidentally swallow a sword?" the doctor asked.
   "I had an itch in the back of my throat," the man said. "And then I lost my grip."

© 20210505



The Goblet

For two days he stared at the upside-down goblet on the table.
   "What are you doing?" she asked.
   "I'm trying to figure out a way to turn this goblet over without spilling the wine that's underneath it."
   "Are you sure there's wine in it?"
   He held up an empty wine bottle. "Well, there's nothing in here!"
   "Maybe you could drill a bunghole in the underside of the table," she said.
   "Ah!," he said and kissed her. "You've always had the brains in this family!" He went to the garage to get a drill; she went to the closet to get a suitcase.

© 20210504



The Newlyweds

A postcard arrived in the mail. The return address was their own, and he recognized the handwriting as his.

   Dear us,

   We are having fun, eating, drinking, and fornicating like newlyweds. The bed here is sumptuous and we might never leave. Wish you were here (but not really).

   Yours,
   Us

   There was a smear of what appeared to be jam in the bottom corner.
   They went to the bedroom half expecting to find trays of room service and empty champagne magnums strewn about, but it was immaculate as usual. He pressed his hand into the mattress then decided to drive to the liquor store, the market, the pharmacy before it got dark.

© 20210503



The Little Dirty Man

Trapped in the dirt beneath his fingernails is a little dirty man. The little dirty man can't leave this prison, surrounded as he is by dirt. He knocks on the underside of the fingernail and stomps and shouts to draw attention to his plight, but no one notices, least of all the owner of the dirty fingernail.
   "Why so much digging in the dirt?" the little dirty man says to the owner of the dirty fingernail. "You harvest no food for eating, no worms for fishing; you make no mud pies, you plant no seeds. Why don't you wash your hands and clean your nails?"
   What the little dirty man doesn't know is that the man with dirty fingernails is trying to rid himself of the creature he feels living inside his finger by clawing at the dirt, that if he digs deep enough, for long enough, the thing inside his finger will die. Or his finger will be worn away to nothing, in which case so would whatever is living inside it.
   And now the little dirty man starts to dig in his prison and his fingernails gather dirt.

© 20210430



An Unopened Head

An unopened head sold for millions on the open market. No one had seen such an untainted specimen. The possibilities of what could be taken from——or put into——it seemed enormous. Might it help save humanity? Might it be programmed to destroy the world?
   It was salving. It was terrifying. It was many things at once.
   The winning bidder's identity was kept anonymous. Some thought it was our government, some thought it was a foreign government; it was an institute of science, it was an underworld collective; it was a philanthropist, it was an oligarch.
   It was actually none of the above. It was a very rich, very asocial collector of action figures, toys, and assorted movie memorabilia, who died when a fire consumed his considerable house after he'd gotten drunk on brandy, opened the head, and tried to teach it how to smoke cigars.

© 20210429



The Groundhog Kindly Requests a New Name

The groundhog kindly requests a new name. It lives in the ground only because its means preclude any other abode, and it is absolutely nothing like a swine. Yes, it eats a lot of food, mainly from strangers' gardens, but that is only because the food underground consists of worms, which the creature, being vegetarian, does not like.
   The groundhog would like you to know that it is an accomplished pianist, has an extensive knowledge of French wines, is conversational in three languages, and danced competitively in its youth. Would you refer to any creature that can claim the above a hog of the ground? If so, perhaps the problem isn't the groundhog's living accommodations or dietary habits——perhaps the problem is you. So, yes, the groundhog kindly requests a new name.

© 20210428



The Drunken Toilet

The toilet was missing.
   "This won't do," they said.
   For the rest of the day, they paced around the house, holding their fronts and bottoms, pausing only to sit fitfully with crossed legs.
   "This won't do at all!" they said.
   Finally the toilet returned, drunk. It hiccupped all the way back to its spot in the bathroom.
   He was about to relieve himself but she stopped him. "Let it sleep it off," she said.
   For the rest of the night, they paced around the house, holding their fronts and bottoms, pausing only to sit fitfully with crossed legs, waiting for the toilet to sober up.

© 20210427



The Car

The car refuses to leave the garage. It's tired of running, it says, tired of always coming and going. You've never seen the car so depressed. You walk to work and make plans to give it a warm bath that evening. You will cook its favorite meal of motor oil and gasoline soup.
   When you return home that evening and enter the garage, you nearly faint from the carbon monoxide. The car, which had been running, sputters through the last vapors of gasoline in its tank. There is a note on the dashboard: I wanted my suicide to be painless for me and clean for you. For your safety, keep the bay open to let in the fresh air.
   You get into the car and sit behind the steering wheel, which is cold beneath your hands. You caress the horn and then press it, but there is no sound. The battery and the car are dead.

© 20210426



The New Moon

A new moon appears in the sky. It tells the old moon that its services are no longer needed. The old moon begins to gather its belongings into a cardboard box: a man's footprint, an American flag, some cigarette butts and empty champagne bottles, used condoms and a pair of frilly underwear. Some rocks.
   As the old moon is finishing its packing, two guards appear and tell it——courteously but firmly——that it is time to leave. Together, they escort the old moon from the night sky.

© 20210423



Cut Down

They determined he was dying. Rather than risk him dropping a limb or falling onto somebody's house, they decided to cut him down. He would be brought down to a stump, and then the stump of him would be ground up. It was spring.
   He protested. "Look, I'm still budding!" He pointed to the green tufts on his knuckles and in his ears and nose.
   They said that would just make him more prone to falling or breaking, which was just another reason to cut him down.
   He protested. "Look at all the shelter I offer!" He pointed to the hole in his belly, in which a squirrel could be seen cooking dinner.
   "Rotten, too," they whispered and shook their heads. They took up their chainsaws.
   "Can I at least be made into paper? Something that can be written or drawn upon?"
   He was the wrong type of man for that, they said before starting the saws.

© 20210422



The Paw Prints

There were greasy paw prints on the ceiling. They had never noticed them before. They looked to be from a raccoon.
   "How did those get there?" she asked.
   "I'm not sure," he said. "It may have been that time our house tipped over and all the garbage on our floor ended up on the ceiling."
   "Ah," she said, "you're probably right. One of these days, we'll take care of that."
   "The paw prints or the garbage?"
   "Both, I suppose."
   "One of these days," he agreed.
   They pulled the covers over their heads and held each other's hands and fell asleep once more.

© 20210421



Weeds Grow from the Ears

Weeds grow from the ears. Hearing becomes difficult. The weeds are pulled. They reemerge days later in the same place. Hearing once more becomes difficult. The weeds are pulled again.
   Heard: cars and excavators, screaming adults and children and birds, hammers coming down upon wood, grunts of exertion and exhaustion. The same music one always hears.
   It is decided that hearing is overrated.
   Weeds grow from the ears. Hearing becomes difficult. Weeds grow from the ears. Weeds grow and grow and grow from the ears.

© 20210420



Wordfall

A square of sky opens and words fall like hail. People collect the nouns, verbs, and adjectives and hold them in their palms: horse, stab, cromulent; suede, devour, lugubrious; pus, groan, lurid. The words feel heavy in the hand, meaningful, powerful.
   Until they begin to melt and run in black rivulets through everyone's fingers.
   "I had an elephant," someone says, "and now it's gone."
   "The mighty sea was mine!" someone else says.
   People begin to eat the words before they can fully melt as if they may keep them forever this way. But this only turns their tongues black, makes them drool inkily, and fouls their taste.

© 20210419



The Tiger under the Bed

There was a tiger under the bed. It slashed at their ankles if they attempted to put a foot down.
   "Why doesn't it just come out and eat us?" she asked.
   "Maybe it doesn't find us appetizing?" he said.
   "Try dangling your hand instead," she said.
   It slashed his hand, but still wouldn't come out.
   "Try your face?" she said.
   It slashed his face, but still wouldn't come out. The bed was now very bloody. "Maybe it's protecting something," he said.
   "I am missing my nice earrings," she said.
   "And I'm missing my gold watch," he said.
   "You have a gold watch?"
   "Well, it's gold in color," he said. "I'm going under——wish me luck."
   "That beast better not be wearing my earrings!" she said.

© 20210416



The Key

A child stuck a key in the family parakeet and turned it. The bird died. The child stuck the key in the family rabbit and turned it. The rabbit died. The child stuck the key in the family hamster and turned it. The hamster died.
   The parents saw the dead bird, rabbit, and hamster. The child explained what had happened.
   You must turn the key to the left, they explained. They unlocked the bird and out came a slightly smaller version of the bird. They unlocked the rabbit and out came a slightly smaller version of the rabbit. They unlocked the hamster and out came a slightly smaller version of the hamster.
   The child took the key and stuck it into its father, then began turning the key to the right.

© 20210415



The Laundry

He put the laundry in the machine and turned it on. When he opened the machine, the clothes were gone. He climbed inside the machine. There was a tunnel in the back. He crawled into the dark tunnel. He crawled for some time. He came to the end of the tunnel. He smelled cigar smoke. Below him was a seductively lit poker table. There were his outfits——shirts and pants and socks together——playing cards. His favorite outfit, denim on denim, won a hand and pulled the pot in the center of the table toward it. The winnings were piles of colorful, fluffy lint. His favorite outfit pocketed the lint and got up to leave.
   His least favorite outfit, corduroy all over, produced a gun from its pocket and placed it on the table.
   His favorite outfit sat back down at the table and shuffled the cards in preparation for the next round.

© 20210414



A Very Large Man

A very large man sat in an open field. He removed his breasts and placed them on the ground before him. He covered his open chest with a blanket, which he wore around his neck like a bib.
   Children came to visit him. They wanted to touch his breasts. They paid him in food: chicken legs, Danish pastries, ears of corn, macaroni in sauce.
   They jostled and angled to paw the breasts on the ground. Soft, they exclaimed. Hard, they exclaimed. Gross, they exclaimed.
   The large man's blanket bib grew heavy with food and grease and juices that had escaped his mouth. It slipped off his neck, revealing the dark holes in his chest.
   The children screamed and ran away.
   He wiped his face clean and replaced his breasts. He was full now and went to sleep.

© 20210413



Killing a Spider

A spider crawled on his leg. He brought a knife down swiftly into the meat of his thigh. He screamed and woke up his wife, who had been sleeping beside him.
   "Why would you try killing a spider with a knife?" she yelled.
   "I was only trying to scare it," he said. "Killing a spider is bad luck."

© 20210412



Dirty

He beat the ground with his fists.
   They asked what he was doing.
   He told them he was trying to teach this particular patch of earth a lesson.
   Why didn't he just stomp all over it?
   He told them he didn't fight dirty.
   They cited the dirt on his fists as proof that the ground did fight dirty.
   "So you can see why I decided to teach it a lesson!" he said.

© 20210409



Dim

She cracked his skull with a cast-iron skillet. Light beamed out.
   "And all these years you called me dim!" he said.
   She placed a lampshade on his head.
   "Are we having a party?" he asked.
   "Yes," she said. "You must be very drunk to not remember."
   "Is that why I have a headache?"
   "Yes," she said. "You drank everything in the house."
   "I'm surprised you didn't whack me with that frying pan in your hand!" he said.
   "Oh, believe me, it took all my strength!" she said.

© 20210408



Bathing with the Birds

He put a bathtub in the yard. He wanted to bathe as the birds did. He removed his clothes, got into the tub, and waited for rain.
   The police arrived. They told him his neighbors would like him to put his clothes back on.
   "I can't bathe in my clothes," he said.
   "Why don't you bathe inside like everyone else?" the police said.
   He told them about the birds.
   "Birds don't have dangling genitalia, hair all over their bodies——"
   "Not all over my body," he interrupted. "I'm bald, like an eagle."
   The police stepped forward, gripping their batons. "Endangered like one, too."
   He exited the bathtub. "I'm returning to my nest now," he said. "To hatch a new plan."

© 20210407



Moss

Moss began to grow on her back.
   You need to come into the sunlight, they said.
   "I like my moss," she said. "And I don't want to move."
   But soon you'll be covered in moss, they said.
   "Yes, that is my aim," she said.
   But everyone who loves you will miss you, they said.
   "I'll be here in this grove. They will know where to find me."
   But you'll be camouflaged in your moss and hard to spot, they said.
   "Yes," she said, "I like my moss."

© 20210406



The Suicide Plane

A plane fell from the sky. The plane had recently lost its spouse to another plane, a young jumbo jet. It was determined to be a suicide.
   Everyone on board the suicide plane was killed, too. A tragedy, for sure. But who grieves for the suicide plane? Its spouse that strayed? The philandering jumbo jet? The ocean that welcomed then buried it?

© 20210405



The Skeletal Shrub

The dog buried a bone. The bone wasn't dead, however. It grew another bone and then another and another, on and on until it looked like a skeletal shrub. It freed itself from the ground and sought the dog that had buried it. It wanted revenge.
   But the dog had died long ago, as its owners explained to the skeletal shrub on their doorstep. "And why do you want revenge? You've become something quite interesting, when you were once just a slimy ham bone."
   The skeletal shrub had to agree it was better off now. It felt the warm sun on its many bones, the slight breeze sliding through its many crannies. It didn't even notice the many neighborhood mutts that had begun to circle droolingly.

© 20210402



The Earth and the Dying Tree

The dying tree says to the earth, "If I fall, will you take me into your bosom?"
   The earth says, "If you'll accept me as I am: dirty."
   The dying tree says, "If you'll accept me as I am: impotent and frail."
   The earth says, "All I've ever wanted is for you to lay down with me, stilly."
   The dying tree says, "I am not stoic; I am just tired from standing my whole life——you understand, don't you?"
   The earth says, "You don't need to explain yourself. I haven't moved my whole life."
   The dying tree says, "I am falling for you, for you alone."
   The earth says, "I am waiting, ever waiting."

© 20210401



One Dummy

One dummy pulls out its rag guts. Birds make a home in its belly.
   One dummy dances like a wet baguette. People point and laugh.
   One dummy inserts its head into its anus and rolls away. Frothing dogs chase it.
   One dummy sets itself alight. Firemen drag hoses and douse it.
   One dummy dares speak with a cotton tongue. A swishy felt language that lulls everyone to sleep.
   One dummy rifles through pockets. One dummy spits lint on the helpless. One dummy, the worst dummy, the meanest dummy, finds a gun among the unconscious.

© 20210331



The Haircut

Lacking scissors, he cuts his hair with a saw. Lacking coordination, he accidentally cuts his head off.
   The cat crawls inside his body and pulls the head back on. The cat sits his body up in a chair at the kitchen table and waits for her to come home.
   "Why so quiet?" she asks him after he ignores her questions about how his day was, about what he had for lunch, about whether he still finds her attractive. "Cat got your tongue?" she asks.
   Yes, yes, yes! the cat wants to shout. But it just comes out as meow, meow, meow.
   She laughs and tussles his hair. "You need a haircut," she says.

© 20210330



Egg Problem

He cracks an egg for breakfast and out comes a whole, tiny chicken. The chicken squawks and tap dances in the hot frying pan before jumping out and pecking at his hand with its puny beak. Miniscule eggs pour from the little hen, ticking on the counter like hail.
   He gathers the tiny eggs and cracks them open: from each slides a whole, tinier chicken. They squawk and dance on the hot cast iron before jumping to safety. They peck and peck and peck. He gathers them all into a heap with one hand and lifts the heavy skillet with the other to flatten them. No eggs, one pancake instead.

© 20210329



He Stepped Outside

He stepped outside. Once outside, he could not remember why he had stepped outside. He turned to go back inside. The door was gone; the house attached to the door was gone; the sky surrounding the building was gone. In the place of everything that had once been was a giant human ear. He climbed up the lobe by means of the nearly invisible fuzz that grew there. After some time, he arrived at the opening of the ear canal. He entered and made his way into the dark. Bats flapped by him. The deeper he went, the harder it became to walk; his feet stuck to the floor of the canal and he lost both shoes. Onward her trudged until he saw light ahead. There were two enormous circular windows. Up he climbed to peer out. Through the window he saw blue sky, he saw his house, saw the door of his house open, saw himself step out, close the door behind him, and stand motionless a moment before continuing on his way.

© 20210326



The Big Nostril in the Sky

He plucked a long hair from his nostril. Attached to the other end was a helium balloon. He let it pull him into the air.
   "Where are we going?" he asked the balloon.
   "The big nostril in the sky," answered the balloon in a high squeaky voice. "Pull that other hair that's hanging from your nostril."
   He plucked the hair and out came another balloon. "Who's this?"
   "That's my brother," said the helium balloon. "Give him a kiss."
   "Yeah, give us a kiss," said the other balloon in a soporific voice.
   He kissed the balloon and felt drowsy. "I feel woozy," he said before falling asleep. They drifted up into the black. He dreamed of nothing.

© 20210325



Be Sure to Read the Seed Packet

Heads growing in the garden. Thick hair, no hair, dark hair, light hair. Eyes that won't open, mouths that won't stop mewling.
   Cabbage seeds they were not!
   A tangle of toes and limbs and fingers and willies and hoo-has beneath the soil.
   Let them grow, see what happens.
   What happens is they hunger for more than water and plant food and begin to eat one another. They eat the woodchucks that come to eat them, too. They will eat you if you try to remove a stray eyelash or shine a forehead.
   Carnage in the garden. It won't do, no, it won't do.
   Compost the heads. Turn over the rows of dirt. Try again next year. And be sure to read the seed packet.

© 20210324



The Phone

The phone rang.
   She answered, "Hello?"
   "This is the phone," the phone said in a robotic voice. "It's been a while since I heard your voice."
   "Well, now you've heard it," she said and hung up.
   The phone rang.
   "Yes?" she said.
   "Aren't you lonely?" the phone said.
   "No, I am busy," she said and hung up.
   The phone rang and rang and rang.
   Finally she picked up but didn't speak. She listened. "I can hear you breathing," she said.
   "I've always loved you," the phone said. "I'm just so hung up on you."
   "Yes, you are," she said and hung up the phone a final time.

© 20210323



The Things with Teeth

The things with teeth came and sent us scurrying up the mountain. We knew more things with teeth awaited us there, but ascent was our only option.
   The cave in which we took shelter was pitch black. We huddled near the mouth, in a circle, with our backs to one another's backs, spears pointed outward. Night fell. We could see nothing, but felt safe in our arrangement. Only one of us slept at a time, and then only as long as it took for the spear in our hands to dip, at which time it was someone else's turn.
   Then in the deepest part of that night, we heard the sound we had been dreading: the clicking of teeth, of immense jaws opening and closing in perfect metronomic time, like the sound of a ticking clock, one that was counting out the seconds until our demise.

© 20210322



The Floor That Left

The floor began leaving on a Sunday. They watched it proceed slowly, one wooden plank at a time, out the front door, and onto the sidewalk. It continued its slow march toward the center of town.
   They tried to coax it back into the house with promises of fresh wax and no shoes, but it didn't work. By Monday, the floor was gone.
   Without a floor, the house was just a box, and they were just contents in that box, along with assorted chairs and tables and clothing and televisions and toilets.
   They agreed that they were now in storage. Fittingly, they no longer came and went but just stayed where they were, as things in boxes do.
   And the house, being a box left near the side of the road, was removed on trash day.

© 20210319



The Intestine Door

Behind the door was a wall of soft, slick, pulsing pink intestine. It squeaked like a balloon being twisted. He closed the door.
   "Something's wrong with the closet," he said to his wife. He gestured toward the door he had just closed.
   "That's not the closet, honey," she said. "That's the intestine door."
   He scratched his head. "I need to start eating more fish."
   She sipped her coffee. "Carrots, too."

© 20210318



The Flute

Her flute blows blue smoke that forms shapes in the air. She makes a smoke pony that prances, a smoke demon that scowls, a raven that rolls in flight, a diamond that hangs in the air.
   Children gather around the tree where she sits and plays. They demand a dinosaur, they want a whale, they plead for planets.
   She explains to them that she has no control of what escapes from her flute. She plays and what comes out is what comes out. She takes up her flute again and out slithers a snake.
   "But it's your air that makes them," the children say.
   "The air is yours as well as mine as well as this tree's, which is to say, it is none of ours." She takes up her flute again and out lumbers a locomotive. She plays a choo-choo tune and the train grows longer and longer. The children chase it, paying no mind to where it might be heading.

© 20210317



Onion Back

He arches his naked back toward the sun, waits for rain. He welcomes the company of insects on his flesh. They crawl and cha-cha-cha along his spine. Weeks and months pass. The sun grows ever warmer.
   Days of long dull ache. Then his back erupts: onions being born. He wants only to see the beautiful bulbs ready to be plucked, but he has no view of his back, no mirror to hold above his shoulder. And soon they come, the harvesters, and they take away his onions. They weep and sniff as they pluck but offer no words of thanks to him. But he welcomes their touch, the feel of their rough warm fingers on his back as they work free the onions. The breeze kisses the fresh openings on his back. For now, he sleeps.

© 20210316



A Sandwich

She placed his hand between two slices of bread and put it down on a plate.
   "What am I supposed to do with this?" he asked.
   "You asked for a hand sandwich," she said. "Bon appétit."
   "I wanted a ham sandwich," he said.
   "Yeah?" she said. "Well, I'd like someone to cook for me!"
   He moved the plate with his hand between two slices of bread toward her. "Bon appétit," he said.

© 20210315



Teeth Dreams

One night while he slept, his teeth crawled back inside their gums and took up residence in his skull. They moved into the folds of his brain, which were far more cozy than the gums had been. There they fell asleep. He dreamed that his teeth took a vacation inside his head. His teeth dreamed of wonderful sex in the warm dunes of an untouched island in the middle of nowhere.

© 20210312



The Sunbather

A creature comes to sunbathe on a rock. It rises up on two feet, closes its eyes, and tips its face skyward. It feels good.
   A larger creature occupying higher ground sees the sunbather. It leaps into the air and spreads its wings. It had meant to dive and attack but once aloft, with the sun on its back and the wind in its face, it simply drifts with eyes closed. It feels good.
   The sun disappears behind a wall of clouds.
   Eyes open.
   A creature dives.
   A creature runs.
   The sun is gone for a long time.

© 20210311



Donut Town

Dogs dive through donuts into rivers of gooey cream. Birds drop rainbow sprinkles from their butts. Honey glazes everything; sex turns into dessert, turns into sex. All is sweetness in Donut Town.
   Until the donut machine starts spitting out straight cakes. Where are the circular donuts? people say. These straight donuts aren't enticing at all, people say. They look like eliminations, diseased penises.
   Someone has the bright idea to arrange all the straight donuts into one huge circular donut.
   The mayor declares it Donut Day. "Dig in!" he says, and everyone does. Soon the giant donut is devoured.
   Someone from the donut factory comes running. "The donut machine is back to normal! Look!" The factory worker holds up a circular donut.
   All gathered erupt in cheers.
   "Wait a minute," someone says. They step forward, holding the last piece of straight donut. They take the circular donut from the factory worker's hand and place it lovingly onto the straight donut, as if fitting a ring onto a finger.
   The crowd falls silent at the sight of the wedded donuts. But it is only a moment's hush before the crowd erupts in ecstacy, for truly it is a new day in Donut Town.

© 20210310



The Main Course

Two squirrels chase each other on a tree. Something to do with missing acorns. They circle and leap, never drawing nearer the other. They give chase until exhausted and fall from the tree. The ground knocks them unconscious.
   A dog ambles over, its belly full of acorns. The main course has arrived. A doggy bag definitely will be needed.

© 20210309



Woodpeckers

A woodpecker quits. "Tired of banging my head against the tree," it says.
   "How are you going to eat?" another woodpecker asks in between whacks on a tree trunk.
   "I'll shop at the grocery store like everyone else," the first woodpecker says.
   "And where will you get the money for that?" the other woodpecker asks. Whack, whack, whack.
   "I'll charge caterpillars for rides in the sky."
   The other woodpecker stops whacking. "Why don't you just eat the caterpillars?"
   "That would be terrible for business!"

© 20210308



The Artist

The artist carved a man carving a man. The carving of the man carving a man was also carving a man. The carving of the man carving a man carving a man was also carving a man. On and on went the carving, ever smaller men carving ever smaller men carving ever smaller men.
   Finally, the last man carving a man carved not a man but the true prize: a single, slender toothpick, which the artist plucked and placed into his mouth.
   "Why didn't you just whittle a toothpick in the first place?" he was asked.
   He chewed the toothpick. "I am an artist," he said, "Not a maker of trifles." He chewed the toothpick and then flicked it away.

© 20210305



The Land of Bread

The land of bread, where loaves of wheat eat loaves of man. The men are cut down in the fields while they walk with their lovers; they are milled, out of sight, in a factory. The factory floor drains clog daily.
   The milled men are packaged in saggy sacks, fifty pounds in each parcel, and sent to the bread bakers——that is, bakers that are bread——and they are turned into luscious loaves for all the bread to eat. They are ripped and dipped in honey, in mustard, in chocolate, in oil.
   The loaves of bread get fat on man. They take their exercise outside, in the sun, where they are hunted by hungry men who mean to savage and devour them. It is a terrible and necessary thing.

© 20210304



One Way to Ask for a Divorce

A man puts a bowl on his head and it swallows him whole. His wife comes home to find an overturned bowl on the kitchen floor. She places it in the sink for her husband to wash when he returns from wherever it is he went.
   She goes to the bedroom, picks up a book, and reads until she falls asleep.
   When she wakes up, she sees that the bowl has doubled in size, and there is feces in the sink. The air smells of her husband's aftershave. The son of a bitch, she thinks. That's one way to ask for a divorce.

© 20210303



The Cardinal

The cardinal dripped its red onto the snow below. A fox sat beneath the tree and caught in its mouth every drop that fell.
   The cardinal's red pooled inside the belly of the fox. It grew into a baby cardinal that splashed about in the red of its own parent.
   The fox drank too much of the cardinal's red and vomited. Out came the baby cardinal. It shivered in the snow. Its cardinal parent screeched from above, too scared to get near the fox. The fox licked the baby cardinal clean.
   The baby cardinal hid in the fur beneath the fox's chin, where it was warm. They went into the fox's den, where it was even warmer.
   The cardinal in the tree had lost all its red. It was now muted, light gray and brown, indistinguishable from the dead tree on which it perched. It decided it was now a mourning dove. Appropriately, it mourned.

© 20210302



Skeleton You

The mirror spills its silver down the wall and in the black hole that is left appears a skeleton you. You wave and it waves a bony hand back. You open wide your mouth and so does the skull. You make a farty armpit noise and skeleton you makes a clicky-clacky bone noise.
   You smile and skeleton you does nothing.
   You frown and skeleton you does nothing.
   You close your eyes and skeleton you disappears.

© 20210301



The Hell Portal

Flames rise from the shower drain. A plumber is called in to assess the situation.
   "It's a portal to hell," he says. "How long have you lived here?"
   "We just moved in," they say.
   "Hope you got a deal!" the plumber says.
   "Actually, we had to overpay," they say. "But it is our dream home, so——"
   "Your dream home has a portal to hell?" the plumber says. He adjusts his belt and lifts his toolbox. "What kind of people are you, anyway?"
   "We didn't know about the portal at the time," they say. "So, what do you recommend we do about it?"
   "Move," the plumber says.
   They confer with one another.
   "Can you recommend a good mason?" they ask. "We think this might make a nice fireplace."

© 20210226



A Wicked Hill

A wicked hill appears at the edge of town. Wicked because it sets loose boulders that roll into our streets and destroy homes and bodies like wrecking balls. Always it births these deadly boulders from within its lush green hump.
   Wicked because its lush green hump draws us on hands and knees toward it like a healthy buttock. Wicked because it opens up and swallows us whole.
   Wicked because it demands daily cuts of its verdant fuzz. We sneeze and wheeze as the green clippings drift in the breeze all over town. Wicked because we realize too late that these clippings, which have infiltrated every hidden inch of our burb, are growing into their own wicked hills underneath our feet. The asphalt buckles, the sidewalks rise, the trees show their roots, our homes shift. All the while, the wicked hill rolls its boulders down its siren hump, demanding another trim.

© 20210225



The House That Fell from the Sky

A house fell from the sky. It landed in a farmer's field. He inspected it——it was a house like any other and appeared to have suffered no damage from the fall.
   He put an ad in the paper: House fell from the sky. Is it yours? If so, kindly remove it from my field.
   There were no responses.
   He put another ad in the paper: House for sale. It could be yours. Call for an appointment.
   There were no responses.
   He put another ad in the paper: Free house. First to respond gets it. Come take it away.
   Meanwhile, in outer space, a homeowner was posting signs on telephone poles: Lost house. Large reward for tips leading directly to its recovery. Please help!

© 20210224



The Plants Climb the Walls

The plants climb the walls for lack of things to do. The walls, tired of being walls, see this as an opportunity to quit. The walls leave.
   The plants are strong but not strong enough to be walls. The roof caves in.
   The roof, on the ground and no longer a roof, files for unemployment. It sits about the house with nothing to do but smoke cigarettes and drink coffee.
   The walls remain AWOL.
   The plants go underground and begin to plot.

© 20210223



The Comet's Vacation

A comet decides to take a vacation to a warm part of earth. It gets stopped at the airport.
   "We can't let you on this flight," the comet is told.
   When the comet asks why, the airline agent points to the flaming path of destruction behind it. The comet notes the charred bodies and flaming luggage of the other passengers that had been waiting to board.
   "Moreover, you would destroy the plane," the agent says. "And didn't you fly here on your own anyway?"
   The comet explains that it wanted the full vacation experience. It points to the Hawaiian shirt it is wearing——but the shirt is only cinders now, so the point is lost.
   Armed police officers arrive. The comet sees them speak into the radios on their shoulders.
   "Can I at least try a piña colada at the bar?" the comet asks.

© 20210222



On the Hemlock Leaf

On the hemlock leaf there was a trial taking place. The insect whose duty it was to devour this particular leaf had been caught reading the world's smallest dictionary beneath the boughs.
   The judge insect shouted down from its stand. "What say you about your negligence?"
   The insect on the stand rose and said, "I do not wish to help kill the tree. It is my home."
   "You do realize we are put here to do just that? To kill the tree?" the judge said.
   "It is my home," the defendant repeated.
   The judge held up the accused's dictionary. "And what about this? What did you learn for your indolence?"
   The defendant beamed and shouted, "Aardvark!"
   "Is that all?"
   "Unfortunately, yes. It is a small dictionary, as you can see."
   "You are hereby sentenced to death." The judge banged its gavel.
   As it happened, the defendant, being a tiny insect, had reached the end of its tiny life and dropped dead. So too did the judge, the lawyers, the courtroom artists, the bailiffs, along with all those assembled in the gallery.

© 20210219



The Dog with a Paint Can Tied to Its Tail

A dog walked up the street, dragging a paint can tied to its tail.
   The dog pawed the door of a house and yelped.
   "Sorry," the homeowner said. "I have nothing that needs to be painted."

© 20210218



The Chimney Wore a Ribbon in Its Hair

The chimney wore a ribbon in its hair. The hair we had given the chimney to keep its head warm. The head we had given the chimney to give it sentience. The sentience the chimney had developed to combat loneliness. The loneliness the chimney had accepted as part of life. The life the chimney had never asked for.
   But one cannot have a ribbon in one's hair without life, not even a chimney.

© 20210217



The Mouse

The cat brought in a mouse. The mouse broke free and disappeared into the wall. It was taken in by the mice that lived inside the wall. They made it do all their chores. The mouse spent its days washing floors and preparing meals. It dreamed of escaping. It dreamed of being eaten by the cat.

© 20210216



The Suicide

A squirrel hanged itself from a tree. They found a small note on the ground.
   "The poor thing," she said. "What does the note say?"
   He carefully unfolded it. "Goodbye, cruel world."
   "Anything else?" she asked.
   He strained his eyes to read. "Milk, bread, butter, acorns."
   "The poor thing," she repeated.

© 20210215



An Icicle

He was killed by an icicle. He had passed out beneath it, and as it thawed it dripped and dripped and dripped in the precise middle of his forehead.
   It was a very, very, very long slumber. It was a very, very, very big icicle.

© 20210212



The Whisperer

She whispered. He couldn't hear what she said.
   "Why do you always whisper?" he asked.
   She whispered. He couldn't hear what she said.
   "Why do you always whisper?" he yelled.
   She whispered. He couldn't hear what she said. He placed his ear near her lips.
   She screamed, "Because you never stop falling for it!"

© 20210211



The Tinkling

There was a tinkling sound, a sound like weak urination. He went to the bathroom; the toilet was unoccupied. He checked the faucet; the tap was dry. He went back to bed.
   There was a tinkling sound, a sound like glass falling. He went to the window; the panes were unbroken. He checked the mirror; his tired face stared back. He went to the kitchen to fix something to eat.
   There he found a mouse wearing sunglasses playing a tiny xylophone. A cigarette dangled from its lips. The mouse had a shot glass of whiskey——his whiskey——beside it. The mouse tinkled away on its instrument.
   He grabbed the broom and waited for a break in the music to applaud.

© 20210210



The Occupants

Under the floor is a floor and under that another floor and under that another and so on.
   Under the ceiling is a ceiling and under that another ceiling and under that another and so on.
   There is a man hammering yet another floor on top of all the other floors.
   There is a man hammering yet another ceiling on top of all the other ceilings.
   The floor man can't stand the incessant hammering coming from the occupant of the floor below, which is why he keeps adding more floors.
   The ceiling man can't stand the incessant hammering coming from the occupant of the floor above, which is why he keeps adding more ceilings.
   The floors threaten to crush him against the ceiling.
   The ceilings threaten to crush him against the floor.
   And still the incessant hammering.

© 20210209



Inside the Skull

Inside the skull was a head of flesh, bone, blood, and hair.
   "Let me out," it pleaded, "I'm trapped inside here."
   "The skull is to protect you," we said.
   "I've no brain that needs protecting," the head said. "The brain used to reside outside the skull, but one day it decided to leave."
   "How is it you speak without a brain?"
   "Let me out of here and I'll show you."
   "Nice try," we said. "But we're not falling for that."

© 20210208



The Dreamer

It started snowing and never stopped. Those who survived carved great cities out of the endless white. There was no shortage of water and rabbits were plentiful, providing meat and fur. Life consisted of living: to keep warm and caloried. People got better at sex. The rabbits did, too.
   One day someone dreamed aloud, "What I wouldn't give for an orange!"
   "An orange what?"
   "An orange fruit."
   "Fruit? There is no such thing anymore."
   "And that is why I want it," the dreamer said.
   "Here," someone said. They handed the dreamer a rabbit that had been turned inside out.
   "What is this?" the dreamer asked.
   "It's a blood orange."
   "I've never had a blood orange!" The dreamer took a bite. "How strange that it tastes just like rabbit!" The dreamer devoured it.

© 20210205



The Head

While sleeping, his head went out on the town. Everyone wanted to buy the head a drink. They picked it up off the street and brought it under their arms into bars.
   They set the head up on the bar and fed it shots of whiskey and pickled eggs, which immediately spilled out the bottom, where the neck should have been, having no other place to go. It drank and ate all night and never got full.
   "Tell us a joke!" they shouted.
   The head told the filthiest jokes it could recall. It went through all the jokes it knew and started at the beginning again. The audience was by now fully drunk and didn't notice or care. Even the bartender was in his cups.
   A woman approached and began to kiss the head on the mouth. The head kissed back.
   One of the bar patrons collapsed. He wasn't breathing. The head had to give him mouth to mouth resuscitation because everyone else was too drunk to do so. But the head's lungs were at home sleeping, so it had no air to give the dying man.
   "I'm sorry," the head said. "I tried."
   Everyone in the bar was inconsolable. They sobbed together. A round of drinks was ordered. They all toasted to their dead friend, the name of whom no one could recall at the moment, but, they all agreed, he was a swell guy, a great guy, the best guy that ever was.
   The head took his final drink and left the bar, leaving the gathered to their lamentations.

© 20210204



The Branch

There was a tree branch in the kitchen. It sat at the table waiting for breakfast. It impatiently scraped the ceiling with its tips.
   "Didn't I tell you to stay outside?" he said.
   "I wanted eggs," said the branch.
   "Are there no eggs outside?" he said.
   "The only eggs outside are inside chickens."
   "Then maybe you should eat chicken——you'd get both the meat and the egg."
   "I only want the egg," said the branch.
   "This is why I can't bear to be around you!" he said and cracked an egg into the frying pan.

© 20210203



The Clump

In a lab, a clump of mud was given arms and legs but no mouth with which to speak. It stomped around and pounded its fists. It rolled into balls smaller clumps of itself and threw them at its makers.
   They plucked its arms off.
   The clump raged. It stomped and kicked dust onto its makers.
   They plucked its legs off. Now it was just a clump of mud like any other. It was a peaceful lump.
   The experiment was deemed a failure. They decided to try again, this time putting the arms where the legs had been and the legs where the arms had been.
   The question was raised: "What about a mouth?"
   "A mouth? We haven't time for a mouth."

© 20210202



Arrives the Wind

Arrives the wind. Beasts do bestir. Clouds loose rain. Descends the darkness. Escape do humans. Floods flow over. Grim are prospects. Havens fill up.
   Into exile go. Just you alone. Killer or killed. Leave no evidence. Meat fills meat. No sleep yet. One eye open. Praying is stupid. Quietude is better.
   Rain is passed. Sun breaks slowly. Time for revenge. Unsuspecting village awaits.
   Very happy homecoming.
   What to do? Xenos, no: familiar.
   You are family.
   Zonk out blissfully.

© 20210201



The Slop Dealer

Along comes the slop dealer, pulling his cart, spilling gray gruel all over the cobbles. Children and adults alike fight to be the first at his ladle.
   "Orderly, orderly!" the slop dealer shouts.
   They fall in line and hold out their hats. A nickel in the ladle gets one a scoop of slop. They all know his slop is only old newspaper, water, and salt, but it's heavenly. Try as they might, they cannot replicate his cooking.
   He scoops until every hat is filled, until his slop is gone. His pants droop under the weight of nickels in his pockets.
   At home, he prepares a sloppy dinner: the day's newspapers, water, and salt. But he reserves for his customers the happy stories in the papers——stories about pandas being born at the zoo, about a wretch winning the lottery, about the discovery of a new planet. He throws into his dinner pot the stories about murder and war and disease and the impending end of humanity. Consequently, his dinner tastes awful and goes down like bile that has only just come up. It leaves him unsatisfied and flatulent. But tomorrow he will be welcomed like a hero when he comes a-tugging his cart.

© 20210129



The Hairy Man

The hairy man fills his house with shed. He cannot move without dropping hair. He stays mainly in the hall to keep his hair confined. He tries to sit still in the hall, but halls make him want to pace so pace he does up and down the hall. At the end of the day, he's up to his knees in fuzz, which he dutifully cleans before collapsing into bed, exhausted.
   One day while pacing, he falls through the floor. He's worn the boards away to nothing. Hair floats down like curly snow. He watches it pile up, throws it into the air and laughs. He makes hair angels in it. He makes a hairy man out of it, with button testicles and a carrot penis. He makes a hairy woman with button breasts and a carrot dildo. They all have a party until the wee hours.

© 20210128



The Kite Empire

There is a kite in a tree. He cuts down the kite.
   It is perfect. He will sell the kite.
   He guards the tree, waiting for more kites to bud. His kite empire has only just begun.

© 20210127



The Ground Will Keep You

The ground will keep you. Cold it will be. A safe place to hide. From the terrors that greet you. From the mouths that eat you. From the gullets that pass you like peas at supper, like salt, like pepper.

© 20210126



Ladders

A ladder climbed a ladder. When it got to the top and looked down, it became paralyzed with fear.
   "What's wrong?" asked the ladder on the bottom.
   "I'm afraid of heights," said the ladder on top.
   "But you're a ladder——your sole function is to reach tall heights."
   "I know," said the ladder on top, shaking. "But when I started out in this business, they said, 'The only way to climb the ladder is to climb the ladder.'"
   "And look at you now——you've made it to the top. And you know what else they say?"
   "What?" asked the ladder on top, shaking.
   "The only place left to go is down." The ladder on the bottom teetered with laughter.
   The ladder on top tipped.

© 20210125



The Homeless Owl

Lightning. On earth, a tree ignites. An owl's house on fire.
   Mice present themselves darkly on the white snow. They jeer and laugh.
   The owl plunges. The snow erupts. The owl flies away, a mouse in each claw, another in its beak. It will find a new home, a mansion befitting the feast that awaits.

© 20210122



The Finger

A finger wiggled at us from a hole in a tree. We went over to see what it wanted. It drew a circle in the air before us.
   "A circle?" we said. "We don't understand."
   The finger drew an air square.
   "Now a square?" we said. "We still don't understand."
   The finger drew a triangle.
   "A triangle," we said. "So what?"
   The finger beckoned us closer with a come-here hook.
   We leaned in.
   It poked us in our eyes before we could even flinch. It was the fastest finger we'd ever encountered. It disappeared inside the hole in the tree.
   We crouched below the hole and waggled our fingers in front of it. Soon then finger returned and began caressing our digits lovingly. Then it moved more forcefully, seeking friction. We grasped it tightly, felt it struggle.
   We pondered what to do next. Teach it a lesson, we decided. Break its finger.

© 20210121



The Good Way

Climb a rainbow with cat's paws and all their attendant claws attached to each finger and toe you own. Rip the rainbow to shreds, dropping colors on the heads of all who watch. Fall to the earth and land on your feet like a cat that has leaped. If you don't land the good way, if you happen to die, may eight more lives await you and with them eight more tries.

© 20210120



The Pebble

He ate a pebble. It grew into a stone inside him. Stone Stomach, they called him.
   The stone grew into a boulder. Moss gathered in his navel. Boulder Belly, they called him.
   The boulder became a mountain. Snow capped his ample abdomen. Mountain Middle, they called him.
   He could no longer move. He just lay on his back while people climbed up him and skied down him. Not all pebbles are fit for eating, he told himself, even as his fingers felt the ground for another rocky morsel to suck.

© 20210119



The Tower Keeper

The flying black snake circles around the gray tower until a light flickers from within it. The tower keeper leans out the window with basket in hand. On its next pass of the window, the snake takes the basket with its tongue, swallows it whole, and flies off into the night.
   Inside the tower, the keeper removes her clothing and searches her body for unmolested flesh. She runs her fingers over her legs, her ribs, her belly: scars, all. Her head, then. She pulls the blade from her nape to the bridge of her nose. The flesh curls and falls at her feet, a perfect strip of her. With needle and ink, she tattoos the snake's diamond pattern onto the flesh.
   Already she hears the hiss of the snake once more nearing her window.

© 20210118



The Dish

The dish opened its mouth and vomited a fountain of peas. The mice poured in from the walls to catch the falling green orbs in their tiny yellow teeth. The rodents gorged themselves and, fully fat, crushed one another trying to squeeze back into their holes.
   A week had passed since he had set the table and laid down to dream his dinner into being. His pillow was yellow with sweat; his breath browned the air. He smacked his lips: he had dreamed of rabbit stew.
   He rushed to the table and saw the remains of shrunken, stale peas, smelled the rot of bloated mice. His dinner dream had been spoiled. He felt in the back of his head and found that he'd forgotten to close the door of his skull before he'd gone to sleep.
   He looked once more at the peas and the mice. It would be a different kind of stew, then.

© 20210115



Bring a Lemon to a Garden

Bring a lemon to a garden. Turn over the first stone you find. Ask the first worm you meet how it got there. When it doesn't answer, ask it how you got there. After it explains the birds and the bees to you, seek out a bird and a bee and encourage them to do what birds and bees do. After the bee stings you and the bird pecks you, eat the worm angrily. Take your lemon and throw it into the air and say, "Look at the sun rise!" At the lemon's apex, yell, "Look at the sun!" As the lemon falls, say, "Look at the sun set!"
   Bury the stinger-less bee beneath the stone you overturned. Hold the bird in your hand and regurgitate into its mouth the worm. Open the lemon and squeeze its seeds into the soil.
   Return to the site many years later to die beneath the fragrant shade of the lemon tree you planted.

© 20210114



Darkness Falls

Darkness falls and no one helps it up. It cries out and waits but everyone is scared of it and has been since childhood.
   "I make day possible!" it screams.
   Someone opens a window. "Day means work! You can stay down forever."
   "Yeah!" someone else says.
   "I'm good for nightlife and fornicating and sleeping——I know you all like that."
   "That's a fair point!" someone says.
   "It is!" someone else says.
   Everyone bands together and helps darkness rise. Everyone is happy except for everyone's children, who hide under bed covers, plugging their ears to muffle the sounds of drunken flesh-flapping, slapping, and snoring while waiting for day to return.

© 20210113



The Louvered Man

Inside the louvered man is the woman who hides from him. She peeks between the slats in his chest to make sure he is not at home. When she sees that he is gone, she exits through the secret hatch in his back.
   Upon exiting, she sees the man. Before he can protest or hug her or capture her, she sneaks back into her hiding place inside him.
   She peeks between the slats and waits for him to leave. He leaves every day. He leaves never.

© 20210112



The Dirt Drinker

The dirt drinker is drunk on dirt again, face down in the mud and gulping. People walk right across the back of the dirt drinker, leaving dirty footprints. Dogs lift their legs over the dirt drinker. Birds harvest worms from the hair of the dirt drinker.
   The dirt drinker says some gluggy gibberish in between quaffs.
   "Pathetic," people say. They shake their heads at the dirt drinker. Then they walk over the dirt drinker.
   But the dirt drinker is only exclaiming happiness. There are no hangovers for the dirt drinker, only drunkenness. The dirt drinker's bowels move freely and richly into the dirt, where it will be drunk again, an endless free supply of endless happiness.

© 20210111



The Man Who Became a Table

He said to his wife and child, "I am no longer your husband or father."
   "What are you then?" they asked.
   He got down on all fours. "I am a table. Unfortunately, I can do nothing for you now. I can only stand here as a table. And not even the functioning sort of table——I am antique and merely to be looked at.
   She whispered to the child, who then left and came back with an axe.
   "What are you doing?" he asked.
   "It's been so cold since the man who was our husband and father has gone," she said. "The fireplace needs fuel and we have no use for an antique table. Such old wood should burn nicely."
   The child took the first chop.

© 20210108



The Ill-Fitting Suit

A crow wears a too-small white suit.
   "Look at that cow in the tree," someone says.
   "That's not a cow," someone says. "That's a zebra."
   "That's not a zebra," someone says. "That's a skunk."
   "That's not a skunk," someone says. "That's a panda."
   The crow shifts in its perch. It tugs the collar of the ill-fitting suit.
   "That's not a panda," someone says. "That's a——"
   "I'm a fucking crow!" says the crow. "And I am going to kill my dry cleaner."

© 20210107



The Blue Floor

The floor is blue but it isn't sky or a child's imagining of water. It is blue but it is not blue carpet nor blue linoleum. It is blue but it is not wood or concrete that has been colored blue. It is blue and that is all.
   You go to the store and buy a can of yellow paint. You return home and spill the paint across the blue floor.
   The floor is now green but it isn't grass or vegetation of any sort. It is green but it is not green carpet nor green linoleum. It is green but it is not wood or concrete that has been colored green. It is green and that is all.

© 20210106



Chairs and Their Humans

Chairs buy humans on which to sit. They put felt pads on the humans hands and feet to prevent scratches on their floors. When the humans break and release their stuffing, the chairs tape or stitch the rips shut. Occasionally, the chairs will find humans that have been discarded and they take these humans home and paint them a whimsical color to lighten up a room. These humans often end up in a corner and get used as a resting place for mail or laundry or perhaps a houseplant——but very rarely do chairs sit on these humans. They prefer well-appointed and plush humans who present their comfortable abundance before a warm fireplace or brightly lit television screen.

© 20210105



Fingers for Hair

Fingers that braid themselves. Fingers that comb themselves. Fingers that move fingers that fall in front of the eyes. Fingers that tuck loose fingers behind ears. Fingers that tie fingers into a ponytail.
   Fingers that pull fingers.
   Fingers that hold scissors to cut off fingers.

© 20210104



The Rain Rained

The rain rained. The wind winded. The house housed. The windows windowed. The room roomed. The bed bedded. The people peopled. The end ended.

© 20210101



Eating

Wanting a light dinner, he ate the table lamp. It was okay but not the brightest thing he had ever done. That would be the fluorescent bulb feast he had the week prior (though it left him slightly gassy).
   But now he wanted a heavier meal. He went to the garage, to the dark corner where the sledgehammer was kept.

© 20201231



The Elephant Quilt

The quilt has a square of elephant hide still bristly with hair. When watered, the hairs on the elephant square produce tiny elephants that sprout trunk first. When the elephants are large enough to work, they are sold. The purchaser of the elephant drapes a quilt over its back and rides it to the train station, where they board the line that will take them to the office where they are employed.
   They do this for the next fifty or so years.
   When they retire, the owner of the elephant typically dies first. When this happens, the elephant takes a piece of the human's hide, still downy with hair, and stitches it into a quilt. When watered, the hairs on the human square produce tiny humans that sprout nose first.

© 20201230



Right

His hair burst into flames. He was always a hot head, they say. Serves him right.
   Her heart froze in her chest. She was always frigid, they say. Serves her right.
   Its knees turned gelatinous. It was always craven, they say. Serves it right.
   They being the ones with the torch that set his head alight, with the ice that chilled her heart, with the poison that ruined its knees. We have always been us, they say. It is our right.

© 20201229



Where Is Your Hole?

Where is your hole?
   Not that hole. The one that liquid sometimes leaks from.
   Not that hole. The one that air sometimes escapes from.
   Not that hole. The one that stink sometimes wafts from.
   Not that hole. The one that pain sometimes radiates from.
   No, no, no, a thousand holes no! How many wrong holes can one person have? Have you been stealing holes? Are you a hole counterfeiter? Surely you know the penalty for such crimes is a hole in the head!

© 20201228



A Coat on a Bench

It was cold outside and the bus was late. He had no gloves so he pulled his hands inside the sleeves of his coat. And he had no hat so he pulled his head inside the collar of his coat. And he had no pants so he pulled his legs inside the waist of his coat. He was now a coat on a bench. It was warm. But buses do not stop for coats on benches.

© 20201225



The Bird

A dying bird came one day. It was broken-winged and confused. Blood trickled from its beak. "A window got me," it said. It asked to come in, so we opened the door and gave it respite.
   We got used to seeing the bird in the bed we had set up for it in the room next to ours. Mostly it slept. Gradually, it began to drink more water and eat more seed. It took to sitting up and looking out the window——longingly, if not a little fearfully, it seemed. It began hopping about the floor and trying out its wings.
   "I think I am better," said the bird. "You've been too kind, but I think I should be on my way."
   "The window is there," we said. "You're free to leave at any time."
   "If you could just open it for me——"
   "It's already open, is it not?"
   "Is it?" the bird asked.
   "If you're not sure, perhaps you're not as well as you think," we said. "Perhaps it's better if you stay a little longer."
   "Is it really open?" asked the bird.
   "Here, now" we said. "Back into bed with you."
   The bird did as it was told.
   We crossed the room and closed the window. "So you don't catch a cold," we said.

© 20201224



The Flying Axe

The flying axe has learned to knock. One hears a rap at their door and thinks it's a neighbor delivering a pie or a salesman trying to hawk his wares or even an unsavory type come to murder them——maybe even with an axe! But no one thinks the knocker is the murderous axe itself. But lately that's just what it is, as proved by all the bodies dead from head wounds lying in doorways. One can't purchase a helmet or a glass door anywhere within a hundred miles.
   Why don't they just stop answering the door? you wonder.
   Because who among us would want to miss the chance, however slight, to taste a slice of delicious pie?

© 20201223



A Yellow Car

A yellow car drives past. Intestines trail from its tailpipe. Your dog breaks away from you and gives chase. It catches up to the car and grabs the intestines with its teeth. The car continues on, vanishing from sight, while the intestines continue to release.
   The dog eats and eats and eats the guts, more than a mile of them, until it reaches the end of the intestines: a brain with a mouth speaking gibberish. The car is nowhere to be found. You tell the dog to sit.
   You give the mouth a cigarette and light it. The mouth puffs away, silent now. The dog looks up at you, waiting for your command.
   "Come," you say finally. "No more treats."

© 20201222



The Snow Man

Snow. A man in a pointy hat standing in a field. The snow piles up on him until he looks like a small fir tree covered in the white stuff.
   A family——a man, woman, and child——trudges across the field, dragging a toboggan. The man leading the way carries an axe. The family reaches the man in the field. The other man begins whacking him with the blunt end of the axe to shake the snow off.
   The man cries out in pain.
   The man with the axe apologizes. "But what are you doing standing in the middle of this field?"
   "Waiting for a tree to appear."
   The family lines up next to the man and begins to wait, too.

© 20201221



The Shaker

She shook.
   "Why do you shake?" she was asked.
   "I can't help it," she said.
   "Have you tried covering yourself with blankets?" she was asked.
   "Of course," she said.
   "And?"
   "I still shook, but I couldn't see anything."
   "Wasn't that better?"
   She thought for a moment. "Yes," she said. "It was."
   She got into bed. They gathered blankets. They covered her. Each day, new visitors arrived with more blankets to lay over her. One could feel a faint vibration beneath the blankets until finally one could not.

© 20201218



The Ant City

The ants work at night, tunneling into her belly button as she sleeps. In the morning, before she wakes, they surface, faces shiny with sweat. They sit down on her hips, fill their hard hats with ice, and sink their hands into the cold. Beers are passed around and guzzled.
   "It's hard work," one of them says, "building a city inside a person."
   "No fancy excavators and erectors for us!" one of the old-timers says. "Just these." The old ant holds up its gnarly ant hands. "And these." The ant bares its jagged ant teeth.
   "Oh, go on," someone says. "We're ants, it's what we do."
   "Yeah," someone says. "And besides, you ain't had an erector in years!"
   All the ants erupt in laughter. All but the old-timer, which finishes its beer and dumps its ice out. "Yeah, I been around, all right?" the old-timer says, rising, fed up. "I been around!" it repeats before slowly crawling toward home.

© 20201217



A Living Space

There was a leak in the ceiling. He climbed into the attic to find its origin but when he ascended the stairs, the attic was gone. In its place was a living space just like the one he had left. There was a chair, a bed, a table, several lamps, and a ceiling, which in one corner was brown and leaking. He opened the ceiling hatch, pulled down the ladder, and climbed into the attic. But again, the attic was not there. In its place was a floor——a living space——just like the one he had left. There was a chair, a bed, a table, several lamps, and a ceiling, which in one corner was red and leaking. He opened the ceiling hatch, pulled down the ladder, and paused. He heard what sounded like waves breaking in the distance. Then the rushing of fast-moving liquid, like a waterfall. He closed the hatch and turned to exit the room and saw that he was in the attic. The light was dim. He felt about the floor for the hatch. He found it and opened it and let down the ladder. He descended and found that the room where he began was gone. In its place was an attic, just like the one he had left.

© 20201216



A Punch in the Nose

He got punched in the nose. His nose came out the back of his head. He realized how bad the back side of him smelled. He realized why the stranger who had been walking behind him overtook him and then punched him in the nose.
   He stole a clothespin from the laundry hanging in someone's back yard and placed it on his nose, which was still in the back of his head. He continued on his walk.
   He got punched in the nose. His nose returned to the front of his face. He turned around and saw a man holding the clothespin shaking his fist. The man held up the clothespin. It was no wonder why this man had so much laundry hanging in the sun: he reeked!
   The first man rolled up his sleeves. This stinker deserves a punch in the nose, he thought, as he stepped toward him.

© 20201215



Hunting and Fishing

Hang a bag of bugs from the mantel. Welcome all the fish and birds into your home. Let them feast. While they're occupied with eating bugs, throw a heavy tarp over them. If you have time, let them smother. If pressed for time, walk——don't stomp——all over the tarp, just heavily enough to put the fish and birds out of their misery. Pile any game that might look nice nailed to your walls. Throw the remainder into a fire for roasting and eating. Drink cognac.

© 20201214



The House Blew Away

The house blew away and got caught in a tree. It flapped like a trapped flag.
   They slept drunkenly through the whole thing. When they woke up in a house in a tree, they thought they were still drunk so they went back to sleep.
   The house blew away again and landed in the lake. It floated like a dead body.
   They slept drunkenly through the whole thing. When they woke up in a house on a lake, they thought they were still drunk so they went back to sleep.
   The house blew away again and landed where it had always been before it began blowing away. It stood like an ordinary house.
   They slept drunkenly through the whole thing. When they woke up in a house like any other, they were hungover so they started drinking again.

© 20201211



The Broken Arm

His arm broke. It shattered into hundreds of small pieces, which he patiently glued back together. Despite his care, his arm never properly held blood again. He ruined many white shirts before opting for red ones exclusively.
   One day, his boss called him into his office. "These red shirts are no good," his boss said. "They look . . . satanic."
   "I assure you, I'm no satanist."
   "That's nice to hear," his boss said.
   "It would be more accurate to call me a Luciferian."
   His boss reached for the phone. "I'm thinking we should call human resources."
   "I could have used them when I broke my arm!" he said.

© 20201210



A Bottle of Little Human Heads

A bottle of little human heads was presented as a gift to the host of a party. On receiving the bottle, the host thanked the guest and placed the bottle in the pantry.
   Soon after, the guest approached and with a mouthful of scallop asked, "Shouldn't we open that bottle I brought? Let's enjoy it!"
   The host searched for an excuse. "It's still decanting."
   The guest laughed. "You don't decant little human heads! You pop them in your mouth, like this!" Into the guest's mouth went another toothpicked scallop.
   "Will you excuse me?" the host asked. "I'm feeling a little nauseous."
   "Forgive me! I have a terrible habit of talking with my mouth full!"

© 20201209



The Mind

The mind was found deep within the earth, shiny like mica among the stones. When brought to the surface, it turned yellow and puddled in our hands. It resembled nothing so much as infected snot and behaved similarly, sticking to our fingers and gluing them together.
   One of us brought it home to their child to play with. The child, naturally, tasted it when no one was looking. We know this because the child said so. When asked, "How is it?" The child, staring blankly now, answered, "Empty."
   "You are empty or the mind is empty or something else?"
   "Both," the child answered.
   "I don't understand; I asked three things."
   "We are all one," the child answered, "And both. That makes three."
   "I don't understand."
   "And nothing, too."
   The ambulance came quickly, but not quickly enough to save the life of the child. Our colleague took a leave of absence. The mind, we all decided, was poison and should be left alone.

© 20201208



Corpse Costume

Corpses must wear their living costumes and perform. How they hate their fleshy, smelly, hairy suits of skin and sinew! Every day, they make a great show of grooming and eating and working and playing and fornicating, to the delight of the living only. They get wages they don't need, children they don't want, problems they can't foresee. They want only what all self-respecting corpses want: to be buried or burned or eaten by birds.

© 20201207



The Mope

The mope mumbles something about meaning. Or meeting. Or meating.
   We ask the mope to clarify.
   The mope mutters something about mothers. Or muckers. Or murders.
   We ask the mope to clarify.
   The mope murmurs something about manners. Or managers. Or mangers.
   We ask the mope to leave us alone. The mope begins to speak but we say, "No, no, that's quite enough."

© 20201204



Turkeys Drop

Spring. Turkeys drop. Turkey puddles for splashing.
   Summer. Turkeys drop. Turkey rain for dancing.
   Fall. Turkeys drop. Turkey piles for jumping.
   Winter. Turkeys drop. Turkey drifts for diving.

© 20201203



The Hole in the Tree

From the outside, the tree is of stout circumference, but not extraordinarily so; you and your friend are able to touch hands while hugging around the trunk. There is an inviting hole in the tree. Your friend crawls in first and is quickly whisked somewhere. Stupidly, you crawl in after your friend.
   Inside the tree is a moving walkway that pulls you into its woody depths. It is completely dark. Your friend calls for help somewhere up ahead.
   "Hello?" your friend yells. Then your friend screams. Then your friend barks like a dog. Then your friend roars like a lion. Then your friend screeches like a monkey.
   You try to turn back but the walkway is moving too swiftly. You fall and are unable to get back up. You yell for help. Then what sounds like a dog is on you, gnashing; then what sounds like a lion is on you, tearing; then what sounds like a monkey is on you, thrashing.
   It was such a beautiful tree, you think.

© 20201202



The Skywriter

He looked at the sky. A plane was writing in contrails. He watched the words form one after the other: What . . . are . . . you . . . looking . . . for?
   He answered aloud, "Love."
   More words began to form: What . . . are . . . you . . . looking . . . at?
   He answered aloud, "You."
   More words: That . . . was . . . a . . . rhetorical . . . question.
   "I . . . I . . . ," he said.
   Seriously, . . . who . . . could . . . love . . . you?

© 20201201



The Flower Killer

He was hired to clobber flowers by the rich man who lived on the hill. Waiting for him every morning at the bottom of the hill were a new baseball bat and one hundred orderly rows of potted geraniums, gerberas, lilys, and more. A bird would fly down bearing a time card, which he would punch with his fist, before the bird brought it back to the man on the hill. Then he would grip the bat with both hands and start swinging. When he had reduced each flower and pot to pulp and rubble, he set down the bat and went home.
   Each night, he allowed himself an overcooked steak, two beers, and two hours of television before going to sleep. He dreamed of tending to flowers, of sniffing them, of watering them, of watching them grow, of walking up the hill with baseball bat in hand, using it to knock on the rich man's door, and squeezing it till the sweat dripped from his hands while waiting for the man to answer.

© 20201130



The Stone Language

There is a stone shaped like a book. It is ancient and its origins unknown. It opens like a book and has words like a book, but the words are in a stone language that no one can read. For centuries, scholars have tried to decipher the text, but all have failed to provide a satisfactory translation.
   So far the only interpretation that has gained any traction, that has earned a place in the translation section of libraries and bookstores, begins, There is a stone shaped like a book. It is ancient and its origins unknown.

© 20201127



The Blood Boat

There is a dying man in a boat filled with blood adrift on an ocean of boiling oil spilling over a bowl-shaped planet spinning on the end of a staff held aloft by a giant incomplete creature with no discernible features but a man-like hand in which the staff that supports the bowl-shaped planet that holds the ocean of boiling oil in which the boat filled with blood cradles the dying man, who says, "Okay, okay, okay."

© 20201126



Pulling Teeth

He had his teeth pulled. They stretched like taffy across the length of the dentist's office.
   "Good?" the dentist asked, holding with pliers the ends of the man's incisors, which drooped between them like telephone wires.
   The man shook his head and his long teeth wiggled.
   The dentist pulled the man's teeth farther, till the dentist was standing in the hall. "Good?"
   The man shook his head and his long teeth wiggled.
   The dentist pulled the man's teeth farther, till the dentist was standing in the parking lot. "Good?"
   The man picked up the dentist's saw and cut his teeth off at the base. He watched the dentist fall backwards onto the ground. The man laughed.
   The dentist returned, rubbing his tailbone.
   "Good!" the man said.

© 20201125



The Crawling Bone

The crawling bone creeps all over town like a foot-long inchworm. It goes from door to door in the early morning, before full light, to beg. No one knows what to offer: it rejects meat, money, and more. When one door is closed to the crawling bone, it proceeds to the next.
   No one ever offers what it wants, which is a warm welcome, an invitation inside, a short stay, a fond farewell.

© 20201124



The Raining Room

It was raining in the room.
   "How are we supposed to sleep with all this rain?" he asked.
   "Let's pitch the tent," she said.
   They set the tent up and crawled inside.
   "I love the sound of the rain," he said.
   "It's calming," she said.
   The room filled with rain. The tent began to float.
   "I love the feel of a water bed," he said.
   "It's soothing," she said.
   The tent filled with water. They began to float.
   "I love just drifting," he said.
   "It's relaxing," she said.
   Their lungs filled with water. They began to die.
   He coughed. "I love drowning," he said.
   She coughed. "It's peaceful," she said.

© 20201123



Her Silvering Fingers

She touches you and your skin becomes a silver mirror. You touch her and her skin becomes a silver mirror.
   You look at one another and see one another admiring one another in the other, where you see one another admiring one another in the other, where you see one another admiring one another in the other.
   "See?" she says.
   "See?" you say.

© 20201120



The Hollow Mountain

The mountain was upside down: narrow peak touching earth, broad base touching the clouds. Over centuries, we hollowed it out. It was an ideal way to capture rain. Our crops were plentiful.
   Then the rain stopped, never to return. Somebody screamed into the mountain when their family died from starvation. We had never heard such anguish projected so loudly. The clouds surrounding the mountaintop——or rather bottom——parted from the vibrations.
   Somebody had the idea to call for help using the mountain as an amplifier for our voices. Each day, one of us yelled "Help us!" into the hollow mountain until our throats bled.
   No help came.
   Then one day we heard a rumbling. Great boulders fell from the sky. We ran and ran. From a safe distance, we watched the mountain crumble. It was no longer an upside-down mountain. It was no longer our hollow mountain. It was no longer a mountain at all or anything that could save us.

© 20201119



Rock, Paper, Scissors

The scissors were dead, bled out on the street. A witness said a rock had struck them.
   "And where is this rock?" the police officer asked.
   The witness shrugged.
   "Could you ID this rock?" the officer asked.
   The witness thought for a moment. "The rock was about this big," he said, holding up a fist.
   "Well, that narrows things down," the cop said. "You can leave now." The officer removed a piece of paper from his notebook, knelt down, and placed it over the scissors. He watched it grow red as it absorbed the hardening blood.

© 20201118



The Cube

In the bath, a small honey-colored cube escaped from his anus and floated to the surface. He picked it up and examined it. It looked delicious, like a hard candy that demanded sucking. But it was soft to the touch, fleshy, and quite dense. He squeezed it, and from a hole he hadn't noticed came——slowly, slowly——a tiny white bathtub, filled with steaming water, in which bathed a man examining a small honey-colored cube.

© 20201117



The Mob

An angry mob bombed itself for not being angry enough. The associates of the newly dead bombed the bombed the bombers in retaliation. The associates of the newly, newly dead bombed the retaliating bombers in retaliation.
   There were two members of the mob left, one on each side. They had no bombs. They were surrounded by corpses.
   "I think we are no longer a mob," said the first person.
   "I think you are correct," said the second person.
   "We are of the same mind," the first person said.
   "Perhaps we should form a mob?" the second person said.
   They walked over the bodies of the fallen to shake hands. Then they went to knock on doors to recruit members for their new mob.

© 20201116



The Blur

There's a blur where he used to be. Just a distortion, like petroleum jelly on glass. He's where he always was: standing in front of the window looking out. But only this blur remains, obscuring the window and preventing us from seeing out.
   We didn't want him around, it's true. But this blur, whatever it is, is worse. We ask it to move and it does not. We ask it to leave and it does not. So now we get the saw and chalk and make preparations for a new window.

© 20201113



The Shoe Hole

There was a hole in the wall through which shoes issued. Clown shoes that squeaked, horseshoes that clanked, work boots that clunked, high heels that clicked, slippers that scuffed. They piled on the floor, spilled down the hall, and filled the other rooms of the house.
   They hung a sign outside their door: Shoe Store——Bargains Galore!
   Customers began to arrive. They left with arms full of shoes they purchased. The house was brimming with shoes and people wanting to buy them.
   "Hey," someone yelled. "These are my shoes! My name is written on the tongue."
   "And these are mine," someone else yelled, holding up a sandal. "I'd recognize this spot of blood anywhere——it's my husband's!"
   "Wait a goddamn minute!" someone cried.
   They hid in the room with the shoe hole. They had bags filled with money. The shoes continued to fall from the hole. Then the first bloody severed foot dropped, which was quickly followed by another and another.

© 20201112



The Old Man

The old man weeps mustard. The old man weeps gasoline. The old man weeps whiskey.
   "Stop it!" they say. "Your tears are making us sick." They vomit on their shoes.
   The old man weeps blood. He says, "My wife . . . "
   "Oh, stop it!" they say. "You never had a wife!" Their throats burn with stomach acid.
   The old man weeps black tar. It gums his eyes. He says, "You never met my wife . . . "
   "That's right, crybaby." They puke again. "Stop it!"
   "I can't cry anymore," the old man says. His eyes are black and stuck. He vomits lung water.
   "Stop it!" they say. "Your sick is making us cry." They weep into their mouths.
   The old man vomits mud. He says, "My wife . . . "

© 20201111



The New Animal Prison

They built the new animal prison from bricks of meat painted to look like bricks of clay. The cows that sell drugs on our streets, the birds that murder our grandmothers in their homes, the fish that loot our stores of their inventories——all are put in the new animal prison.
   The animals never stop being born. There are more than we could ever eat. They live lives of deprivation, so they sell drugs, commit murder, and steal. We lock them up and they die in prison. Their dead meat is taken from their bones and it is molded into bricks, then painted to look like the real thing and stacked on top of the others that came before. The new animal prison grows taller by the month, by the week, by the day, by the hour.
   Why the meat bricks? We believe that if the animals are reminded daily of their mortality and place in the food chain, they will be less likely to reoffend.

© 20201110



The Typewriter

A typewriter fell from the sky, landed on a man's head, and drove him into the ground like a stake. People passed and clacked a few words into the man's head, which advanced through the machine like paper.
   Hello! they typed.
   My name is, they typed.
   The quick brown fox, they typed.
   Fuck u, they typed.
   Etc., they typed.
   All the while, the flattened remains of the man exited the typewriter with these inky messages imprinted all over him.
   A child typed the final word on the tip of the man's big toe: Goodbye. Then the typewriter fell into the hole where the man had been. The child picked up the flat word-ridden husk of the man, tied the man's arms around its neck, and ran, delighting in the flapping of its brand-new cape.

© 20201109



Watering the Moon

Water climbs up through the earth. It turns to snow when it meets the cold air. The snow piles up and piles up. Then a single snowflake takes flight. Up it floats into the night. Another snowflake follows and then another and another until a blizzard rises all over the earth. The sky turns white.
   The snow attaches to the moon. It piles up and piles up. A single snowflake melts and leeches into the surface of the moon. Another snowflake melts and then another and another until the moon is no longer covered with snow. The sky turns black.

© 20201106



Eat Your Clothes Like a Good Person

Eat your clothes like a good person. Get your fill of fiber and dress your guts in tweed. Consume clean underwear to clad your gonads. Feast on fresh socks to keep your toe bones from getting chilly. Chew a vest to jazz up your chest. Scoff down a hat and scarf like the dandy you never dared to be. But for god's sake, skip the gloves, you glutton.
   Now when they put a bolt in your skull and eat your meat, what's left of you will be dressed to the nines. You'll walk out of your skin ready to try to make your way in the world again.

© 20201105



The Little Dog Dug a Hole in Her Arm

A little dog was digging a hole in her arm. The dog had a bone in its mouth that it wanted to bury. She recognized the bone: it was one of the tiny ones that went missing from her inner ear when she went foraging for music in there with her finger. The bone had fallen onto the carpet, lost forever, she'd thought. She'd suffered horrible vertigo ever since——walking into walls, falling down stairs.
   The dog was really digging. A bleeding hole had opened in her arm. She tried to pry the bone from the dog's mouth but the dog pulled back. She tugged, the dog tugged; she tugged, the dog tugged. The bone broke free from their grips, flipped into the air, and vanished into the hole in her arm. The dog jumped in after it.
   Quickly, she back-filled the hole. She wanted to teach the dog a lesson. She got up to fix lunch and staggered down the hall, bumping into the walls all the way.

© 20201104



The Cow Called Last Night

The cow called last night. "Come over," the cow said. "I have a fresh pie for us to eat."
   We arrived. The cow served us cocktails——actual rooster tails in glasses. We made small talk.
   "I'm moved to say how much I love your earrings," the cow said.
   "Isn't the moon beautiful tonight?" the cow said.
   "Are you in the mood for some of that pie?" the cow said.
   We were.
   "Let's move to the dining room," the cow said.
   We did.
   The cow placed a covered tray on the table. The cow lifted the lid revealing a pie crust heaping with cow caca. Not what we had in mind but it shined beautifully in the light of the chandelier.
   "Who wants the first slice?" the cow asked.
   We aren't rude types. We feigned excitement. "Me, me, me!" we said.

© 20201103



Leaves

Green leaves are queasy from the knowledge of what it means to be a leaf. Yellow leaves are jaundiced from drinking too much in order to forget. Orange leaves are different just to be different. Red leaves are flush from the exertion it takes to remain a leaf. Brown leaves are all leaves and nothing more. All leaves are brown leaves and nothing more.

© 20201102



The Charred People's Bowling League

A group of charred people form a bowling team and join a league at the local alley. They call themselves The Burned Balls. They bowl expertly and make a mess of the lanes with their soot. The other teams claim the soot gives them an advantage, allowing them to glide over their lane as if it were ice. So the charred people share their soot, dusting their competitor's lanes with a sprinkling of black dust from their forearms.
   And then they stifle their laughter as their competitors fall on their asses and slide over the foul line.
   It's quite a sight, watching the charred people bowl. They play with matte-black balls and when they release, it's if they're firing a piece of themselves down the lane. The pins explode more often than not. The gentleman who maintains the bowling alley claims there isn't one pin in the place that hasn't got a permanent black smudge from one of the charred people's beautiful strikes.

© 20201030



A Self-Improvement Something or Other

He was given a candid photograph of himself. He did not like the crookedness of his teeth. With a pen, he adjusted them as he wanted. His ears were like jug handles, so he fixed those as well. And his hair: there wasn't nearly enough of it on top of his head, so he fixed that, too.
   In the morning, in the mirror, he saw that he now looked just like his doctored photograph. He was excited to show off his new appearance. He visited the friend who had taken the picture.
   She opened the door when he knocked. "Yes?" she said.
   "It's me!" he said.
   "It certainly is," she said. "Can I help you?"
   "Do you notice anything different about me?" He cocked his head, jutted his chin, and showed his profile.
   "Different from what?" she asked.
   "From how I looked before!" He handed her the picture she'd taken.
   She looked at the photograph before handing it back. "I'm sorry, I've never seen this person in my life. Are you selling something? A self-improvement something or other?"
   "I'm not selling anything——"
   "That's good because I'm not interested in anything. Have a nice day." She closed the door.
   He studied the photograph. He wasn't sure he could erase the changes he'd made. He should have used pencil. One should always use pencil.

© 20201029



The Achievement of Balance

When your face melts or your blood congeals or your bones shatter or your brain atrophies or your nerves tingle, take one of these.
   When your face delights or your blood thrills or your bones thicken or your brain grows or your nerves sing, take one of these.
   When your face melts and delights or your blood congeals and thrills or your bones shatter and thicken or your brain atrophies and grows or your nerves tingle and sing, take nothing at all and enjoy the balance you have achieved.

© 20201028



The Knife Aisle

He was at the store, in the knife aisle, looking at shelf after shelf of shiny blades with sleek handles of wood, black plastic, or steel. There was a sign: Please don't bite or eat the knives.
   He looked around; there was nobody else near. He picked up the most beautiful knife he could find, a seven-incher, with a finely grained wooden handle. He bit the handle tentatively, then chomped on the blade. It was delicious. Blood spilled from his mouth onto the floor.
   An alarm sounded above his head. He looked up: a camera.
   He dropped the knife and ran for the exit but he was stopped by a security guard. The guard's name tag read, Van Pire.
   He looked around. All the employees were wan. From beneath their top lips protruded fangs, which they took pains to hide, like buck-toothed children.
   The guard took him by the arm. "Come with me, please."
   Meanwhile, the blood ran from his mouth.

© 20201027



Just

The wind is really just the ghosts of birds flying past. The sun is just the head of a giant match that is billions of miles away. The ocean is just the earth's eye welling over with tears. The stars are just bullet holes through the black sign that is night. Lava is just cooking bubbling over in the core while the chef takes a cigarette break. Snow is just the falling shavings of an ice sculpture we will never see.
   Of course, all of the above is just to make the days bearable.

© 20201026



The Crushing Hand

The crushing hand crushes one waiting for their cold soup to heat. The crushing hand crushes one waiting for the phone to ring with an unwanted call. The crushing hand crushes one waiting for the fun to end and life to begin. The crushing hand crushes one waiting for life to end and the fun to begin. The crushing hand shakes its hand with a crushing grip for a job well done.

© 20201023



Captain Barf

Captain Barf stabbed his mother in the eye upon exiting her body. Captain Barf's first meal was a baby bird; his second was a vulture eating a carcass; his third was the carcass. Captain Barf drank from the ocean exclusively——that's how he got his name. Captain Barf amputated his own legs because he couldn't stand the sight of them anymore. Captain Barf loved kittens, especially on pizza.
   Captain Barf hated life, but liked birthday parties. He liked any party, in fact, most of all the ones without partygoers.
   On a whim, Captain Barf died and as he did he made fun of himself for dying.
   Rest in beef, Captain Barf.

© 20201022



The Creek of Snakes

The creek runs thick with snakes. The snakes run thick with all the children they eat. The children scare themselves by drawing as near as they can to the snakes. They throw rocks and hiss. One child pushes another, the pushed child loses balance and falls in, the snakes fight to feast on the body.
   The child who did the pushing rushes home, bawling, says the other child got too close to the creek and fell in. "The snakes!" the child cries. "The snakes, the snakes, the snakes!"

© 20201021



Snapped

He snapped his fingers and a flame appeared at the end of his thumb. He blew the flame out.
   He snapped again and a bullet shot from the end of his middle finger. A bird fell, dead, from the tree he was standing under.
   He snapped his fingers again and confetti sprayed out. Children came and danced in a circle around his legs.
   He snapped again but nothing happened. Blood poured alarmingly from the tip of his thumb. He put it in his mouth and drank the blood. He looked at his other, intact, left hand. He tried snapping those fingers but couldn't. Why hadn't he ever learned to snap with his left hand? He sat down in the grass beneath the tree to practice.

© 20201020



Where the Rain Lives

Where the rain lives, people fall from the sky. Each rain drop carries an umbrella to keep the people from falling on them when they need to go out during a people-fall. Worst is when the rain wakes up on a Monday morning, ahead of a long day of falling onto the people, places, and things of earth, and sees people pouring down. Better is when the rain has a day with nothing planned, when it can stay home and read or doze with the calming, steady tattoo of people thudding all around.

© 20201019



The Noise Collector

He collected noises in glass jars. He had them neatly labeled and shelved in the basement: Automobile, Backfire; Cough, Hacking; Infant, Screaming; Window, Breaking; Zebra, Dying.
   One day, he felt tremors underfoot. An earthquake. He quickly made a label——Earthquake, Rumbling——and went outside. He placed the jar on the ground and captured the sound. The earth shifted. He ran to the shelter of his house, which was shaking violently. He would hide in the basement, from which the sound of glass shattering could be heard. He grabbed another jar, prepared another label to collect the noise, and descended.

© 20201016



There Was Another Door

He opened the door and there was another door. So he opened that door and there was another door. So he opened that door and there was another door.
   He opened doors for days, weeks, months, years. He became an old man.
   Then he opened the next door and there was a red brick wall. He took the bricks out one by one and found there was another wall. So he took the bricks out one by one and revealed another wall.
   He took down walls for days, weeks, months, but not years, for he had no more years to give nor did he want to give them. He lay down on the ground. Sometimes, he thought, a wall is meant to be a wall. Sometimes a door is meant to remain unopened. And then he fell asleep.

© 20201015



Boots

He ate a boot late one night for lack of anything else to snack on. It tasted better than he thought it would, so he ate the other one, too. He began to crave boots. He went food shopping at the shoe store. He ordered grilled boots at restaurants. His habit became expensive so he tried growing boots in the backyard, fertilized by the boot manure he produced each morning.
   One day, he died. The coroner surmised it had something to do with all the boots.
   In his will he had requested for his headstone the epitaph, Life is bootyful, but his family ignored this wish. They didn't appreciate this final bit of cuteness, especially as boots had been so bad for him in the end.

© 20201014



The Roof

The roof said it wanted to come inside. It said, "I'm tired of being buffeted by rain and snow, tired of squirrels skittering over me and of birds shitting on me."
   They agreed to let the roof come inside the house. But once the roof had climbed down and settled in, the house had ceased to be a house; it was more like a holding pen, with four walls and nothing on top.
   "This house isn't very homey," said the roof. "I don't think I will be happy here for very long."
   They asked the roof if it would go back to being a roof again.
   But the roof didn't seem to hear them. "I really don't know how you've managed to live happily here for so many years. It's cold and not cozy at all."

© 20201013



One Thought

Note keeper. Ancient sprain. One thought. Again, again.
   Gun eater. Rotten brain. One thought. Never again.

© 20201012



The Blub

The blub is gray. We steam the blub. We eat the blub. The blub becomes us. We become the blub. We turn a yellow. We turn a gray. We empty our bodies. We bury our bodies. We burn our bodies. The blub never dies. The blub is gray.

© 20201009



The Ejection

There was a button on his cheek. He pressed it and the top of his head popped off. Out shot a child strapped into an ejector seat. He fell back, onto the ground, and as he died watched the child and the seat disappear into the sky.
   The child was so small and the ejection so powerful that soon the child had broken gravity's pull and entered space. It was cold and hard to breathe. There was a button on the ejector seat. The child pressed the button and the seat turned into a spaceship, building itself around the child, who now found itself inside a cockpit filled with a dizzying array of controls and buttons. Buttons and buttons and buttons, of every color and shape, blinking or glowing steadily or doing nothing at all. Which one to press first?

© 20201008



Your Death Day

A cobra-filled cake on your death day, just as you requested. Let me cut it for you. Look at the snakes falling before my knife, halved and sliced and chunked. Look at them wriggle on the plate, look at their blood stain the cake like maraschino.
   A bite for me as you're too weak to eat.
   The venom tastes like piss on its own; mixed with the blood and meat and cake, it's delicious.
   Delicious, but, like most things, not worth dying for. Go to sleep now. You've missed out on nothing.

© 20201007



Shovels

Killed by a shovel to the head. Buried with the same shovel.
   Eons.
   Dug up with a different shovel.

© 20201006



All the Holes

He dropped his fingers first. Then the hair on his head and body fell. His nose and ears dried up and cracked off during a strong wind. His skin became pitted and brittle. His privates rattled in the underwear he refused to change for fear of losing his genitals for good.
   His jaw hung slack, his mouth an ever-open hole. A bird made a nest inside his throat and laid its eggs. The hatchlings were born. They cried for grubs and received them. Eventually, the birds left.
   His eyes fell away. Squirrels chased each other through all the holes he had to offer.

© 20201005



The Pie

A pie with four legs of graham crackers walked into the room. The pie ejaculated liquid cherry from the slit in the top of its crust. When enough of the cherry had spurted onto the floor, it began writing with the red stuff, arranging the goo into letters.
   The pie wrote: Am I a pie. Am I dead? Please tell me.
   The pie pulled its legs beneath it and settled onto the floor. It was sunken now, sapped. The slit on its crust closed, like an eye shutting for sleep.
   We put it in the oven, which was still warm from the pie we'd baked earlier and eaten, for comfort. "Good night," we said and shut the oven door.

© 20201002



It Was Named None

It was named None. None wanted It to end. It didn't matter to None, but None thought It mattered. None believed in It ending. It believed only in It being.
   The truth: None mattered more than It. The truth: It mattered not at all.

© 20201001



Unnatural

A fish married a cat. No one could believe it. Even the fish and cat said to one another, "Can you believe it?" But they loved and supported one another and were happy.
   Together they had a baby. The baby, being both cat and fish, couldn't resist eating itself.
   The fish and the cat mourned the loss of their child. Secretly they blamed each other for the loss. Then they blamed themselves. The cat thought, Why did I fall in love with a fish? It's unnatural. The fish thought, Why did I fall in love with a cat? It's unnatural.

© 20200930



Like a Jar

He unscrewed the child's head like a jar. He suspected there might be cookies inside. There were no cookies. He screwed the child's head back on. The child never learned to speak after that. It made a noise that went doo-doo-doo.
   He unscrewed the cat's head like a jar. He suspected there might be cookies inside. There were no cookies. He screwed the cat's head back on. The cat never played after that. It turned in circles on the floor until it got sick.
   He unscrewed his own head like a jar. He suspected there might be cookies inside. There were no cookies. He screwed his head back on. He never craved cookies after that. He stared at light bulbs until his vision vanished.

© 20200929



Yellow Clouds

Yellow clouds sail across the sky. Birds fly into them and exit skeletons. Planes fly into them and fall, flaming wrecks. Cannons shoot white paint at them, but the paint doesn't take, and yellow they remain.
   It's fine for a while as the clouds remain in the sky, sailing by. Birds learn not to fly into them. Planes remain grounded.
   Then one day the clouds stop moving and gather. The sky turns yellow. Then the first drop falls.

© 20200928



Fences

The fence tried to get away in the night so they put a fence around it.
   The fence that had been erected to secure the fence that had tried to run away felt guilty for imprisoning one of its own. The on-duty fence shared a flask of whiskey with its ward. Later that night, they tried to get away together.
   Being fences, which are painfully slow, totter as they do on posts, they were caught trying to escape. And then a new fence was built to pen them in.

© 20200925



How to Dance

Step one: put on your dancing shoes——work boots, high heels, snow shoes——whatever shoes you consider your dancing shoes. Go to a public place. If you're wearing pants, pull them up to expose your calves. Even better, remove your pants. Now, start tapping one shoe on the floor. Close your eyes and shake your head arrhythmically to keep would-be dance-robbers on their toes. Now, the other shoe——tap in direct counterpoint to the already tapping shoe. Okay, arms up: scissor them back and forth as if your head is the screw holding the two blades together.
   Ask for a volunteer from the crowd that has gathered to watch you. Tell the first volunteer that comes forward to punch you in the stomach. Absorb the punch, double over, and fall to your knees while gasping for air.
   Now it's time for step two.

© 20200924



The Stuff

The child was warned it would turn into peanut butter if it continued to eat so much of the stuff.
   The child stared at its parents, at the hairs poking from their noses, at their shiny eyes like marbles that had been sucked on and stuck in their heads, at their dry and bleeding lips. And then the child stuck its hand back into the jar of peanut butter for more.

© 20200923



Berries Fall from Its Mouth

It perches on a branch, miles above the earth.
   It is a tall tree.
   Berries fall from its mouth. They hit the ground and burst. Out from each comes the seed of a soldier. When the rain comes, the seeds grow arms and legs and hair and muscle. They make weapons from the stones and sticks they gather. They build an arsenal in preparation for war.
   But they forget that they are tiny and don't realize they are doomed. Only the smallest of birds can be bothered to eat them; nevertheless, their abundance makes them a decent meal.
   Miles above the earth, it dances. The branch bounces. It chews happily, not caring how many berries fall from its mouth. They are abundant.

© 20200922



In a Mountain Under the Sea

In a mountain under the sea lived a dragon that thought it was man. Each morning, it put a hat on its head, grabbed its briefcase, and left its rocky abode. It walked on the ocean floor, in the pitch dark, breathing fire to light its way. It waited in the same spot each day for the commuter train to come, but that never happened. The dragon ate sea creatures to pass the time.
   Inevitably, the dragon ate too many sea creatures, which made it queasy. Inevitably, the dragon felt too ill to wait any longer for the train. Inevitably, the dragon returned home, dropped its briefcase, hung up its hat, and went back to bed——but not before setting its alarm clock for the next morning.

© 20200921



Silk Mittens

He insisted on silk mittens to swing the axe. As a result, the axe flew into the crowd when he attempted his chop. It stuck in an old man's head, but it didn't drop him immediately. Rather, it caused him to dance as if on hot coals while his wound spurted blood all over the tightly packed crowd.
   Children splashed about in his spew as if it were a sun-shower.
   Meanwhile, the axeman just stood there, staring at his silk-mittened hands, opening and closing them. Fists, not fists, fists, not fists.

© 20200918



The Visitor

A visitor appeared at the door. He clutched his long coat tightly around his neck and waist. We asked him his business.
   "I am a visitor," he said. "I visit. May I come in?"
   "We prefer to know our visitors," we said.
   "Have I not introduced myself?" the visitor said. A snake wriggled up from his collar. Another dangled from the bottom of his coat.
   "Ah!," we said. "So it's you!"
   "It is," the visitor said.
   "And you've brought the serpents!"
   "I have," the visitor said.
   We opened the door wide and welcomed him in.

© 20200917



World Championships Held

World championships held: Asphalt swimmer, mountain puncher, tree eater, lake mover, dog chaser, leaf puller, hole jumper.
   Looking for a new challenge, preferably one that pays money. References furnished upon request, though many are now dead.

© 20200916



A Proposal

She plucked a hair from his nose and a daisy came out.
   She smelled the yellow flower and twirled its hairy stem in her fingers. "Will you marry me?"
   "You don't even know me," he said. "We just happen to be waiting for the same elevator."
   "I know enough to marry a man who gives me flowers without my asking," she said.
   "Let's do this properly," he said. He stuck his finger in her ear and when he pulled it out there was a diamond ring on the tip of it. He got down on one knee.

© 20200915



The Marionettist

They peeled him like a banana, starting at the part of his hair. His skin fell away in four equal strips. Inside was a skyscraper: an office building, lit up, with people milling about in every window——but one.
   They pressed close to the glass of this dark window and inside saw an unmoving man, sitting in a chair, which had tipped backwards onto the floor. His legs stuck straight up into the air; his feet were shoeless. Then his toes started wiggling and his legs started dancing. Then they saw the strings tied to his toes, and then the crossbar controlling the strings, and then the hands controlling the bar. But they couldn't see the face of the marionettist, obscured as it was in the dark. And they thought this only fitting, because to see the marionettist's face would only ruin the illusion.
   So they focused on the man's wiggling toes and dancing legs. And they didn't notice the other windows of the skyscraper going dark, one by one, like stars disappearing from the night.

© 20200914



The Bed

He was sleeping in the bed when it folded like a wallet, trapping him inside.
   The bed went to a bar. The bartender greeted the bed warmly. "Welcome back!"
   The bed unfolded and out rolled the man, naked.
   "Put that away," the bartender said, pushing a drink toward the bed. "Your money's no good here."

© 20200911



The Bear Suit

He went on a hunting trip to get away from the office. He killed a bear, and he admired the creature's appearance so much he decided he would wear the bear's body as a suit to work.
   When he returned to the office, wearing his bear suit, he noticed that all his coworkers had been mauled and partially eaten. Their bloody corpses lay scattered about the floor.
   He smelled smoke coming from the break room. Probably the guy who always burned popcorn, he thought. But when he turned the corner, he saw four bears sitting around a campfire, laughing, drinking beer, and sharing a bottle of whiskey. One of them played an acoustic guitar. A human leg roasted over the flames. They saw him in his bear suit and waved him over. He was handed the bottle of whiskey.
   One of the bears stood up and presented him with the eviscerated body of the popcorn guy. It seemed they wanted him to try it on.

© 20200910



The Bone God

A pile of bones rattled into the room. A large one still bearing meat stood atop the others and said, "I am god. I can fly you."
   "You can make me fly?" he asked.
   "Yes," the bone god replied.
   "You can make me a fly?" she asked.
   "Yes," the bone god replied.
   "Fly me where?" he asked.
   "Anywhere I want," the bone god replied.
   "What kind of fly?" she asked.
   "Any kind I want," the bone god replied.
   "What if we just eat your meaty head?" he asked.
   "Yes, what if we just have a taste of your meaty head?" she asked.
   "I am god. I can fly you."
   "We are meat in need of meat. We can eat you. We've been so long without marrow. Please forgive our teeth in advance. A kiss first. Come."

© 20200909



The Wagon

The wagon came. A little cow was driving.
   He took a seat beside the cow and placed his suitcase between his legs. "Where are we going?" he asked.
   The little cow mooed and whipped the horse to resume pulling the wagon. They headed down the road.
   "I was told to pack a bag," he said. "I sure would like to know where we're going——to make sure I packed appropriately."
   The little cow mooed and whipped the horse and the wagon went faster.
   "Are we going somewhere nice?" he asked. "The reason I ask is because I'm not fond of where we just left. The last wagon that picked me up dropped me there without explanation——which is fine, I like an adventure! I'd just like to land somewhere for once that doesn't involve lashings or gnashing dogs or snake bites."
   The little cow mooed and whipped the horse and the wagon went faster.
   "I feel there are only so many surprises one man can take!"
   The little cow mooed and whipped the horse and the wagon went faster still. Wherever they were going, they were certain to get there soon.

© 20200908



The Sky Whale

One day from the sky a whale descended slowly. It hung over the common, darkening the ground where we had gathered to greet the sky elephant, which had not arrived. The goal posts had been set up on both ends of the field.
   We got out the megaphone and asked the sky whale if it knew where the sky elephant was. It didn't answer us but it writhed and flippered in seeming discomfort. We thought we perhaps were about to be shit upon. That's often what happens when the sky elephant comes.
   We repeated our question through the megaphone, but there was still no answer. The whale doubled over and opened its mouth. Were we about to be vomited on? We had never been vomited on by the sky elephant.
   And then we saw from the great mouth of the sky whale the searching tip of an elephant's trunk, and then the white tip of a tusk. It was happening.
   We tore off our clothes in preparation, curled into balls on the ground, and waited. Who would be kicked first? Who would roll past the posts and score the first point?

© 20200907



The Ash

He breathed and ash flew from his mouth like insects. The ash floated and flitted and fell all around him.
   He went to the doctor. The doctor said he was likely dying inside. He prescribed him an ashtray to wear under his chin.
   The man left the doctor's office and tore up the prescription slip he'd been given. I am not dying inside, he thought. I am on fire with life! Ashes trailed in his wake as he ran down the street, laughing and hooting at this realization. People closed their windows to keep out his soot. He made plans for a great evening: a feast of wine and meat, music, and masturbation.
   But of course the doctor was right: he was only dying inside, as would soon be made apparent.

© 20200904



Heavy

His head became heavy. It dipped toward his chest. Then it pulled his torso to the floor. Then the floor couldn't support the weight of it, and he crashed down into the basement.
   His wife peered into the hole in the floor. "Are you down in that basement again?"
   But he couldn't hear her because his head was so heavy it had cratered the basement floor and dirt had poured into his ears.
   He opened his mouth to cry for help and then the dirt poured into his mouth. And then he tried to breathe and the dirt entered his lungs.
   Above, his wife was talking on the phone. "Oh, he's down in that basement again!"

© 20200903



A Wrong Turn

He had taken a wrong turn somewhere. His car wended through the trees and rocks until finally his headlights shined into the mouth of a cave. The woods loomed all around.
   He'd traveled this far so he drove into the cave. Bats flapped away and other critters scattered. He turned off his headlights so as not to disturb the animals. Now he couldn't see anything so he decided he may as well close his eyes. He set the cruise control and reclined.
   When he woke up, he was in the passenger seat. A reptilian humanoid, with scales and large amber compound eyes, was driving. The reptile didn't speak when he asked where they were going. It tapped its claws on the steering wheel, perhaps to some song in its head.
   In the distance, he could see a glow. As they drew nearer, he saw lanterns on poles in a clearing in the cave. Red, white, and blue plastic pennants hung. Row upon row of cars had been organized in a large lot. On their windshields, written in white grease: Priced to sell and Low mileage and Single-owner and Drive me home!

© 20200902



What It Was Like Before Being Born

A mother gave her teething baby her finger to chew. The mother, exhausted from being up all night with the baby, fell asleep. The baby ate the finger and then the rest of the mother's hand. When the mother finally woke up, the baby had eaten her arm up to the shoulder.
   The baby wasn't crying for once, so she let it continue eating her arm.
   When the mother woke up again, she was inside a dark, warm place. She thought this must be what it was like before being born. It was peaceful. She closed her eyes again and fell back asleep.

© 20200901



How the Cat Comes to Hiss

A saucer of crow feathers soaking in oil. A lit match ignites it. The smoke is inhaled by a cat suspended above. The cat's eyes roll back as it spills urine on the flames. The fire hisses and the cat breathes it in.
   The fire is extinguished and the feline's eyes return, wider than they've ever been.
   The cat hisses. It wants to be released. It is released.

© 20200831



A Hot Dog

He approached the cafeteria counter and ordered a hot dog. He was handed a sweaty, panting Chihuahua.
   "You know what I mean," he said and handed the dog back to the cafeteria worker.
   The cafeteria worker rooted around behind the counter and handed the man a sweaty, panting Lhasa Apso.
   "All right, knock it off," he said and handed the dog back to the cafeteria worker.
   The cafeteria worker rooted around behind the counter and handed the man a sweaty, panting Dachshund.
   "Mustard?" said the man.

© 20200828



The Hungry Ones

He harvested his organs to feed the hungry ones. Flies swarmed around him. When presented with his organs, the hungry ones declined to eat.
   "We eat grass and drink rain," they said. "The flies never land on us. We are content."
   The man died holding his insides in his hands. His body and organs lay in a heap on the ground. The hungry ones buried his organs and let the animals take his flesh and clean his bones.
   The hungry ones ate grass and drank rain as they always did. And the flies never landed on them.

© 20200827



A New Variety

Tomatoes were expected, but the plant grew buttocks instead. It went unnoticed for some time. Some said it was indecent and wanted to place underwear on the buttocks. Some thought it was titillating and needed to be kept away from the plant. Others thought the buttocks should be left alone, free to be buttocks. Still others thought the buttocks should be eaten as if they were tomatoes.
   We ate the buttocks. They tasted like tomatoes.
   Now we're known for originating a new variety. The buttocks drop seeds and we collect them to sell to gardeners, who purchase them for top dollar. We kiss the buttocks each morning for good luck. Our good fortune grows as our buttocks plants grow.

© 20200826



A Garbage Can

He went to the store to purchase a garbage can.
   "All your garbage cans are empty," he told the clerk. He held up one of the cans he'd found on the shelves.
   "Yes," the clerk answered.
   "Do I have to purchase the garbage separately?"
   "You make the garbage at home and then put it in the can."
   "Oh, I'm afraid I'm not that handy," he said. "Can you tell me where I can find one that's already assembled, complete with garbage?"
   "You got it," the clerk said. He reached under the counter and handed the man a garbage can brimming with refuse. He took the empty can from the man and put it under the counter.
   "How much?" the man asked. A fly landed on his nose.
   "On the house," the clerk said. "You're our one-billionth customer!" The clerk made a flatulent noise with his lips and applauded.
   The man whooped as he left the store carrying his new garbage can.

© 20200825



Scientifical

Emptied out and filled with dirt. Sewn back up but nothing works. Zapped with electricity and placed in the sun. Held underwater inside an iron lung. Set on fire, stabbed, and injected. Looked up, down, over, and at last rejected.

© 20200824



Kissing a Dead Skunk

When asked why he was kissing a dead skunk, he said it had smelled so bad that he had to come out and see what it was. Then, when he saw what it was, he had to get closer to see if it was still alive. Then, when he got closer, he saw that it was alive, but just barely. Then the skunk whispered that it had never been kissed. Then, because he couldn't bear to let the skunk die without having been kissed, he kissed the skunk as it expired. Then he kissed the skunk again and discovered he enjoyed kissing it more when it was dead. So he kissed it again and again.
   Then he got caught kissing the dead skunk.

© 20200821



This Tea

This tea, while hot, is not hot enough. Is it possible to make it hot enough to burn my throat? I don't mean the sensation of burning, but actual burning, so that a hole is worn through my neck as I drink, and the tea pours through this hole and down my torso, thereby burning my body as well.
   I can help with this endeavor: I will drink the tea while naked so my flesh is bare and more easily burned. Let me know what you think.
   Good question. It's to do with a lover, yes. A lover that made the best tea that I have ever tasted. The last pot she made was so good, we both wept when we sipped it. Then, later that night, she accidentally gargled gasoline before we made love, which neither of us noted in the heat of passion. And then she gargled some more after our lovemaking, and then she had a post-coital cigarette . . .
   I'm sorry, forgive my tears. I just want to relive that cup of tea, that night——the good and bad——and reunite with my love. So, I repeat: this tea, while hot, is not hot enough.

© 20200820



A Love Triangle

She turned on the stove and the dancing flame man appeared. She bent to kiss him and her hair caught fire.
   "Why would you do that?" she asked. "I wanted to greet you warmly."
   "I wanted to greet you warmly," he replied. He danced seductively.
   "I'm on fire!" she said.
   "I'm on fire!" he said.
   "I'm going to die!" she said.
   "I'm going to die!" he replied.
   Her head was really burning. She turned on the faucet and the running water man appeared. She bent to embrace him. Her head hissed and steamed.
   "Slow down," she said. "Let us be together. It's you I really want."
   But he just babbled and gurgled in reply and never stopped running.

© 20200819



The Purr Machine

He petted a hole in the cat's head. He couldn't remember if the hole had always been there and he liked to pet it, or if he liked to pet the cat so much he'd worn a hole in its head.
   He looked in the hole and saw the cat's purr machine. It was stuck in the ON position. That explained why the cat never stopped purring, which is why he never stopped petting the cat, even though it had a hole in its head, even though he couldn't remember if the hole had always been there and he liked to pet it, or if he liked to pet the cat so much he'd worn a hole in its head.

© 20200818



Monarch Maggot

Knee scab opens like a trap door. Monarch maggot crawls out. The throne has been abdicated. Monarch maggot drops its mantle and crown, gives one final look back as the scab closes, then climbs down the knee.
   Monarch maggot makes it to the ground, winded and elated. A common maggot now, in the grass, on the dirt, without the pressures of power. The sun is warm. The food is plentiful. The birds are friend——

© 20200817



The Ground Chicken

The ground chicken lives in a hole in the earth. Its feathers, beak, legs, and feet are as brown as freshly turned loam. It comes out only at night to peck at insects and never strays far from home. When the moon is full, the ground chicken sings a simple, melancholy tune: low-low-low-low.
   Once a year, the ground chicken takes a mate, which it promptly evicts from its hole, and later produces two eggs. The first is laid the normal way, underground. The second is ejected with great force into the world above——a sacrifice to help ensure the continued safety of the ground chicken, which, having turned to nesting, settles in for a monthslong sleep. When the hatchling emerges from its egg, the ground chicken wakes up and tends to it. After several weeks, the chick has reached maturity and is able to fend for itself.
   At this time, the ground chicken leaves the hole and wanders out into the open. It flaps about and screeches, calling attention to itself. Soon a predator comes to take its life, which the ground chicken freely gives. As its flesh is torn, the ground chicken releases a strong, skunk-like odor that can be smelled for a mile, farther on a breezy day.

© 20200814



Seeds Become a Tree Inside

Eats the apple, seeds and all. No anus, born without one, so seeds remain.
   Falls asleep under the tree eaten from. Falls asleep for years.
   Seeds become a tree inside. Roots descend through the legs and feet; branches ascend through the trunk and arms. Toenails and fingernails make way for the tips of roots and branches. Not painful, still asleep.
   Now a tree, fruiting. Something to sit under and dream of an anused life while eating an apple or two or three or a dozen. Something to fall asleep beneath, full and happy, anus be damned.

© 20200813



The Acorn Child

The child wore like a hat the cap of the acorn in which it was born. The squirrels that raised the child were constantly attempting to eat the child, or bury it, or steal it from one another. The child lived a stressful life.
   The child survived and grew larger than the squirrels. One day, a squirrel harried the child as usual, and the child grabbed the squirrel by the tail and swung it into the air. In the tussle, the acorn cap fell off the child's head. All the other squirrels paused. Horror passed over their faces as they looked at the naked child. They scattered and never returned.
   The child was relieved to have the harrassment stop and came to love loneliness. It plucked the caps from acorns and whistled into them.

© 20200812



Crabs

On the beach, crabs fly tiny kites to attract gulls. When the gulls dive, the crabs reveal harpoon guns, which they use to shoot and capture the birds. They scissor off the gulls' heads with their pincers and bathe in the blood——a fresh coat of red for their shells——and guzzle it like wine. They pluck the birds and make effigies with the feathers: a warning to other gulls. They pull the flesh from the gull carcasses and mix it with mayonnaise and celery to create a delicious bird salad. They eat it quickly before it can spoil in the sun.

© 20200811



The Hairy House

It was just a few blonde hairs along the gutters at first. Then the shingles sprouted hairs. Soon the entire roof was shaggy. By week's end the hair had obscured the whole house. The hair was brown now, making it even harder to see out the windows.
   They took turns cutting the hair, but each morning it had regained a foot of length and by Friday they were shrouded in darkness once more. The hair was black now, making it even harder to see out the windows.
   They cut; it grew. They cut; it grew. They gave up and resigned themselves to darkness. They started fighting more. More sex, too, but mainly fighting. There were punches and kicks. They cried, hugged each other, had sex. The hair was gray now, but in their tumult, they hadn't even noticed.
   But then the hair turned white. The sun filtered in. It felt good, so they went outside and cut the hair. This time, the hair did not grow back. They cried, hugged each other, had sex. They observed a few blonde hairs sprouting from the floor but didn't say anything about them. For now, they enjoyed the tickle of them as they walked, tumescent and dripping, about the house.

© 20200810



A Tiny Guitar

She made a tiny guitar and swallowed it for the little man in her stomach to play. She wanted to be serenaded.
   The little man strummed hesitantly. "Just warming up a bit," he called up to her. He strummed more vigorously. A string broke. And then another.
   "Miss," the little man said, "What am I to do?"
   "Just beat it like a drum and sing along to that," she said.
   The little man hammered the guitar without any sense of rhythm or dynamics. He wailed horribly.
   "Stop, stop, stop!" she said. "What's the matter with you? Are you drunk?"
   "Miss," he said, "You had a glass of wine . . . naturally, it made its way down here . . . I couldn't help but have some, too."
   "But it was only half a glass!"
   "But, miss, I am so little."
   "Can you whistle?"
   "Miss, I will try," he said. "My whistle is properly wet!"

© 20200807



Mr. Pie

Mr. Pie cries and cries, "Please let me do my work!" He opens the door that has been closed before him and enters.
   He climbs to his desk, which is stacked on chairs, which are stacked on cabinets, which are stacked on a table, which is stacked on a desk. His head sweats from the lightbulb pressed against it. He can feel the heat of the roof, too. Mr. Pie grows sleepy and falls asleep.
   When he wakes, the lights have been turned off. Outside the windows, it is also dark. Mr. Pie climbs down from his desk and cries, "I'll be back!"
   And he is, the next day. "Please," he cries, "let me do my work!" He opens the door that has been closed before him and enters.
   He climbs to his desk and promptly falls asleep from the heat. Mr. Pie's work continues to suffer. All he wants is a pay raise so that he can finally take a vacation. But there will be no raise for Mr. Pie, not while his work suffers so.

© 20200806



The Ceiling Fan

The ceiling fan above the bed turns in the dark. At midnight, the fan propels the roof of the house into the air and out of sight, revealing innumerable white stars moving in the black sky. The stars form a spiral, which rotates in mesmerizing fashion. Hypnosis follows, then levitation. The house is left behind. The spiral looms larger and spins faster.
   Sparks fall like rain, pricking the flesh. Flesh falls and feeds the prowling animals back on earth. All over are houses that once had ceiling fans, without fans. All over are houses that once had roofs, without roofs.

© 20200805



The Looping

A tongue rises from the sink drain. The tongue is black. It needs water.
   The faucet is turned on. A tongue descends from the faucet. The tongue is pink.
   The two tongues meet. They flick at each other. They twine.
   The black tongue from the drain enters the faucet; the pink tongue from the faucet enters the drain.
   A looping occurs in the plumbing.
   Soon the black tongue from the drain rises once more from the drain. Soon the pink tongue from the faucet descends once more from the faucet. The two tongues meet and flick and taste each other as if meeting for the first time.
   Then the black tongue from the drain enters the faucet, and the pink tongue from the faucet enters the drain.

© 20200804



Be Careful in This Field

Be careful in this field. The corn has ears and can hear you. Flattery will get you everywhere.
   Say, What beautiful silky hair you have! Say, I could listen to you whisper in the breeze all night! Say, It isn't scary being lost inside here at all!
   Say, I've never seen a black rabbit before! Say, I've never seen a rabbit so big before! Say, Those sure are some sharp teeth! Say, Those sure are some strong legs!

© 20200803



The Black Wall

In the forest, he evades the thing that has been chasing him. He runs until he encounters a wall in a clearing. The wall is smooth and black, as of polished obsidian. The wall must be climbed if he is to survive for it is only a matter of time before the thing catches up to him. He looks for a crack that will allow a hold of finger or foot, but he sees none. The wall is so glassy that his quick breaths fog its surface.
   In the condensation of his breath on the wall he writes, HELP. Nothing happens.
   He writes, ꟼ⅃ƎH.
   A murmur from behind the wall: "How?"
   He can smell the thing in the air. It is getting closer. He writes, YЯ⅃AVAƆ.
   He hears a dull rumble. The ground vibrates. The rumble grows louder. He backs away from the wall and climbs a tree.
   The wall explodes as a great wave of armored men on horseback crash through, with spears long and ready. They charge into the thick of the forest.
   He climbs down the tree. He runs.

© 20200731



The Sky Is Broken

The sky is broken. It's leaking.
   Hold out your tongue. It's urine.
   The sky was joking. And now you know what urine tastes like.

© 20200730



The Last Thing the Eye Saw

A string dangled from the corner of his eye. He pulled on it until the string grew long and taut and resisted. He pulled harder and felt it start to give. Then he gave it a good yank and his head exploded and released a cloud of pink confetti.
   The eye that had the string in it landed in a tree branch above. It watched the confetti fall softly to the ground. Birds descended and pecked at the pink paper.
   A robin flew onto the branch and sidled up next to the eye. The bird cocked its head back, ready to strike, and that was the last thing the eye saw.

© 20200729



A Lumpy Man Comes

A lumpy man comes. He seeks a lumpy lady. But here all the men and women are lumpless. They are all smooth lines.
   He tries to express himself but the lumps in his throat allow only gurgles.
   The people stand clueless. They can't stop staring at his lumps, which appear to have lumps of their own.
   The lumpy man takes a stick and draws a lumpy woman in the dirt. He gives her heavy breasts and points at them to underscore what he means. But the bystanders just see two more lumps on a very lumpy figure.
   He gurgles some more. The people begin to back away from the lumpy man. The lumps around his eyes shine with tears.
   "I've heard of his kind," someone says.
   "He will make us sick," someone says.
   "Look how he leaks poison!" someone says.
   The first rock sails past his head. The second one hits it square.

© 20200728



Perspective

On the forest floor is a tiny house, inside of which is a tiny forest, on the floor of which is a tinier house, inside of which is a tinier forest, on the floor of which is a huge house, inside of which is a huge forest, on the floor of which is a huger house, inside of which is a huger forest.

© 20200727



The Hairball Cat

The cat hid in his sandwich when he wasn't looking.
   He ate the sandwich.
   He didn't know it, but he ate the cat, too.
   That night he told his wife that his sandwich had been exceptionally tasty.
   She said she was happy for him, but she hadn't been paying enough attention to really hear what he had said.
   He woke early that morning in the still-dark and began hacking at the edge of the bed. His wife, thinking he was the cat, shooed him off the bed so that he would vomit on the floor instead of the blanket.
   On the floor, on his hands and knees, he hacked, eventually freeing a large mass of hair the same approximate size and shape of the cat. He opened the window to let in the air, got back into bed, and fell asleep again.
   The hairball cat glided across the floor, up the wall, onto the sill, and out the window, never to return.

© 20200724



Your Head Is on Fire

Your head is on fire. It smells like bacon. Makes us hungry.
   Your head is on fire. It looks like it hurts. Makes us queasy.
   Your head is on fire. It lights up this cage. Makes us angry.
   Your head is on fire.
   It reminds us of life before.
   Makes it easy.
   Let the fire take the rest of you, so we can eat the residue.

© 20200723



Fear Chairs

Fear chairs. Cheer affairs. Fair prices. Prize fairs. Fares waived. Wave home. Ohm free. Freak scenes. Seen that. Thought so.

© 20200722



Fingers Erupt from the Earth

Fingers erupt from the earth. They snap underfoot like branches. People take pains to avoid them, but soon there are too many. The crunch beneath the soles of their shoes makes them instinctively ball their fists to protect their own fingers.
   They are all on edge, wincing with every step, knuckles white. When one bumps into another, there are fists ready to be raised and shaken. Eventually, the fists are swung at jaws and stomachs and heads; in this way, many more fingers are broken.
   Meanwhile, the fingers sprout anew everywhere. Children giggle and stomp. It's like crushing snails but better.

© 20200721



There Is the Mountain and There Is Nothing Else

There is the mountain and there is nothing else. The land all around is flat and barren. The sun is big and then small; it is here and then there. It moves not in invisible increments or on a course. It flits like a magical drunk. They do not trust the sun.
   They led themselves out of the mountain and cannot find their way back in. They will make a home here.
   Red oil runs down the mountain. It is not hot. The meat that fell from the sky is still frozen. It is left in the sun to thaw but the sun disappears. It sometimes does this. They wait for the sun to return but it does not. Twilight.
   The oil pools and once pooled catches fire by some unknown means. It flames green and smells like opened bowels. The smoke tightens throats.
   But they have no choice. The meat fell from the sky so many days ago and yet it refuses to thaw. They have never encountered anything so cold. But when they place the meat in the fire, the flames recede. They place more meat onto the fire until all the flames are gone and the fire is extinguished. They touch the meat and it is cold.
   They look at each other. They look behind them and there is the mountain and there is nothing else.

© 20200720



The Party People

An orange light was detected in space, sweeping across the dark. Some thought it was something looking for us. Some thought it was a distress signal. Some thought it was a beacon to warn us of impact.
   Some thought it was an invitation to a party.
   Those people——the party people——convinced the rest that they were right. So everyone boarded shuttles and headed toward the light, excited for whatever frolics awaited them. But when they arrived at the source, they saw that it was the lantern atop a giant street sweeper, roving purposefully across the dark expanse. The party was clearly over, and they were witnessing its aftermath.
   In fact, the sweeper was heading directly toward them.

© 20200717



For Hell

For hell, a heaping bucket of food that's already been chewed. For hell, a yellow ribbon of gristle 'round every tree and thistle. For hell, a vicious dog shitting on every good place for sitting. For hell, bleeding orifices and a life confined to offices. For hell, mechanical malfunctions and gremlins in electrical junctions. For hell, disease that creeps unseen in all the houses that we keep.
   For hell, a party.
   For hell, a smoke.
   For hell, a drink of piss for not letting us in on the joke.

© 20200716



The Round Head Rolls

The round head rolls. Out the window it falls. Through the air it screams. On the shoulders of a headless man it lands.
   It's a better head than the one he had. He lost his old head in a dream of war. He had been headless and happy. But now people smile at him and he smiles back. That's better.
   He waits under windows for new limbs to fall, for new pectorals, for new genitals, for new clothes to wrap himself in, for chewing gum to keep his new head from rolling away.

© 20200715



Flash the Fangs

Find the lap of a fat man, a fat woman, a fat child. Flash the fangs that rend the flesh that feeds the legs that climb the walls that cage you in the world you know inside the world you don't.
   Wonder what it is to be elsewhere. What happens in a world without the comfort of cages and solid walls? When confronted with legs longer than yours, with flesh stronger than yours, with fangs sharper than yours?
   Find the lap of a fat man, a fat woman, a fat child and flash the fangs.

© 20200714



The Beast

Big red beast, four legs firm, sentinel. Stands as straight as the tower it is perched on. Sees all, knows nothing. Not happy, not unhappy: is.
   Soft creature in the hamlet below, barely visible, draws the beast's eye with its elaborate ablutions, tongue-bathing in the bright sun. The creature sneezes and out flies a bubble. The bubble rises to meet the beast. The beast corrals the bubble in the net it keeps to catch its food.
   The beast inspects the bubble and it bursts: the tiny bird heart that had been trapped inside falls at its feet. It looks delicious, succulent. The beast eats it. It is delicious, succulent.
   "I love you, too," the beast calls down to the soft creature, "I love you, too."

© 20200713



Hey, Killer

He had a gray wolf for hair and eagle wings for eyebrows, alligator tails for arms and snapping turtles for feet. He put on his finest suit and headed out. When he got to the bar, he lit his clothes on fire and walked through the brick wall to enter.
   When the dust and rubble settled, he saw only a few old men sitting at the bar, heads in hands, flies buzzing about their greasy pants.
   "Hey, Killer," the bartender said to him. "What brings you here so late? Or early, as it were."
   "The ladies," he said.
   "Might wanna check that watch, Killer," the bartender said. "Ladies' Night ended hours ago. It's now Depressing Alcoholic Old Man Early Morning."
   He checked his watch. It was a shark's eye with random numbers scraped into it. "I think I need to get this fixed," he said. He patted out the fire consuming his suit and exited the bar through the hole in the wall he'd created.
   "Looking sharp as ever, Killer!" the bartender called after him.

© 20200710



The Cradle

A cradle filled with cow dung appeared on their doorstep.
   "We must find the cow that lost its baby," he said.
   "That's not a calf," she said.
   "No shit?" he said.
   "Yes, shit, clearly," she said.
   "I can't do that on command. I'm not even sure I can do that at all."
   "Do what?"
   "Shit clearly."
   She sighed. "I married an idiot." She went back inside the house and shut the door.
   The man leaned over the cradle. "Coochie, coochie, coo!" he said.

© 20200709



Every Ring

Every ring has a ghost that lives beneath its stone. Every ring of the telephone contains the moan of a ghost. Every ring around distant planets has a circuiting ghost. Every ring inside a tree hides a ghost doing arithmetic. Every ring hosting pugilists harbors ghosts with arthritis. Everything that will ever ring true will eventually contain the ghosts of me and you.

© 20200708



Use a Stick

Use a stick to get the food. Poke the hole in the ground with it, jab the hollow tree. Pull the stick out: insects, crawling on it in every direction as if on a highway dug in the dark by a committee of the blind. The bastards bite, too.
   Drop the stick, quick!
   The sirloin remains just out of reach in the hole in the ground, the pork chop still safe inside the hollow tree.
   Find a monkey with a hand saw. Ask to borrow it.

© 20200707



The Mousehole

The vacuum cleaner started. The scared cat squeezed itself into a mouse hole. On the other side, it discovered that the mice it typically hunted lived in opulence: there were crystal chandeliers, gold candelabras, and a long dining table on which was set fine china and silverware.
   The door to the mousehole slammed behind the cat. Out of the darkness came more mice than the cat had ever seen, most dressed in tuxedos and gowns. Some wore chef's whites and were sharpening knives.
   One of the tuxedoed mice——the host?——turned to its gowned counterpart and said, "My dear, whatever you paid the vacuum operator out there, this dinner will be worth one thousand times that amount."

© 20200706



In an Ordinary World

In an ordinary world, lived an ordinary man, in an ordinary house, in an ordinary body made of meat and hair. On an ordinary day, he would wake when the light hit his eyes, eat an ordinary breakfast of coffee and bread, wash his ordinary body made of meat and hair, and walk to his ordinary place of work.
   Ordinarily, he wouldn't turn on the television in the morning before work, but he saw people outside his window who ordinarily wouldn't be running frantically and crying and holding their heads. The television told him that an asteroid hit a distant part of the earth. Life as everyone knew it would soon end. He turned the television off.
   Ordinarily, he wouldn't pretend there was nothing wrong with his ordinary life and his ordinary world, but today was decidedly not ordinary. Ordinarily, he wouldn't giggle or rummage through his cupboards for powdered lemonade, disposable cups, and a pitcher. Ordinarily, he wouldn't retrieve a folding table from his basement, mix the lemonade, and create a sign advertising cups of lemonade for sale for twenty-five cents and set up shop on his front lawn.
   Ordinarily, he wouldn't do any of that, but today was decidedly not ordinary.

© 20200703



The Crumpler

A spine that coils is all she ever wanted, to curl into herself like a cat. To grow a tail and eat it. To gather crumbs on her chest and let the birds alight and feast while she sleeps.
   It never happened. It never happens.
   Instead, at the end of the day, she collapses onto the bed. In the morning, she wakes up crumpled, like something that has fallen from the sky, and wonders, How did I get here, again?

© 20200702



The Man Who Lives in the Bushes

There's a man who lives in the bushes. He screams like a blue jay and holds out his hand to passersby. He receives an apple, coins, a firm shake, and spit, among other things.
   "Why don't you come out of there?" he's asked. "Get a move on."
   He screams then says, "I need to stay here where it's safe. I haven't yet learned to fly."
   He's told that people don't fly, they walk.
   "No," he says, "I won't settle for that." He screams.

© 20200701



Beef Cookies

No one will buy my beef cookies. It doesn't matter that they are cooked perfectly: browned and crisp on the outside, pink and juicy on the inside. The one you tried was perhaps a little too bloody, but I assure you that, on the whole, this is my finest batch. I know because I can still taste the one I ate this morning. That's the thing about my beef cookies——they stay with you all day long!
   Be honest: is one dollar too much to ask for something so flavorful, fragrant, and filling? Before you answer, that's a rhetorical question, haha!
   Oh, you're going to answer anyway. Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
   What? There's no need to be rude to someone who just gave you a free sample.
   All right, that's quite enough.
   You've made your point, sir. My beef cookies and I bid you adieu!

© 20200630



The Dragger

Gets his cloak tangled in a cuckoo clock and it comes with him. Cuckoo calls birds from the trees and they come with him. Birds bring out the cats and they come with him. Cats create kittens that call out to cooing introverts and they come with him. The smitten kitten-lovers attract suitors and they come with him.
   It's a big and heavy cloak he drags to the dry cleaners. The clerk takes one look at the cloak to be cleaned and quotes him a large fee.
   "I can't afford that," he says.
   He removes the cloak and lets it fall to the floor. He wades through suitors and introverts and kittens and cats and birds and a clock and exits the dry cleaners. The bell on the door tinkles behind him.

© 20200629



Stabbed in the Head by a Sunbeam

Stabbed in the head by a sunbeam. His brain was fried before the first drop of condensation had fallen from his drink.
   He found himself in a pure black space. He could somehow see his body, his limbs, though there was no light. He walked forward, expecting to bump into something, but he did not. He quickened his pace, broke into a jog, then lowered his head and started running. There seemed to be no limit to how fast he could run. His legs churned effortlessly and his speed increased the longer he ran.
   He tried to will a wall into existence, something to block his path, to crush his skull, but there was nothing. He was free.

© 20200626



Mown

Blades of grass wield blades of glass to cut the ankles of the man come to cut them down. Countless nicks open the arteries on his legs. The man feels woozy and blames it on the sun, too much beer, and not enough water. He blames the bleeding on sword grass, insects, and weeds. He's nearly right. He lies down in a freshly mown stripe of the lawn.
   Below, the blades of grass celebrate victory by hoisting cups of glass high to catch the blood of the defeated.

© 20200625



The Almost Deepest Lake in New England

A bowl of buttered cannonballs and a never-ending cigarette. A salad bar eighty-sixing and a gazebo hideout. Hidden monster magazines and a ball that doesn't stop bouncing.
   Everything spins like a merry-go-round. Laughter, nausea, headaches in the end.
   A cracked skull and a suckerfish pedicure in the almost deepest lake in New England. An almost lake of scotch and vodka threatening to drown the shore. An early morning mouse chase and another broken toe.
   Everything spins like a merry-go-round. Laughter, nausea, headaches in the end.

© 20200624



Horse on a Wire

High above the buildings hangs a horse on a wire. No one knows how it got there. The other end of the wire vanishes behind the clouds.
   "Maybe it's a giant outer space child playing with its horse puppet," I say.
   "There's no such thing as giant outer space children," someone counters.
   "Maybe it's a flying horse that got caught in sky snare," I say.
   "There's no such thing as flying horses or sky snares," someone counters.
   "There was no such thing as a horse hanging high above the buildings on a wire either," I say, and point at the sight of the suspended beast. "And yet, here we are discussing just such a thing."
   "Maybe the moon is fishing for us using a horse as bait," someone says.

© 20200623



The Brain Dealer

Your rotten brain is going up for sale to the highest bidder. It's incredible what people will buy. Scientists, your children, rich baroque figures, zombies: they all want that black banana floating in your skull.
   Why? Who knows. You'd have to ask them. But you'll forget, like always, because that's what you do now. Don't look at me——I'm just here for the commission.

© 20200622



A Man Made of Wax

A man made of wax molds a woman from the flesh he finds in his ears. He never speaks because he is made of wax and lacks the bits that would make speech possible. She talks and receives only silence in return.
   As the years pass, the woman grows more and more voluptuous, taller, and stronger. Eventually she towers over the man. She finds she resents him for bringing her to life.
   One dark evening——they always sit in the dark——she stuffs a wick in his bottom and pulls it out of his mouth at the other end. She makes him stand at attention on her nightstand, lights the wick, and begins to read the first of many books. When the man gets too small and threatens to burn out, she enlarges him with the wax she finds in her ears.

© 20200619



The Shaking Sword

After breaking into the house, he took the sword off the wood-paneled wall and it immediately began shaking so violently in his hand that he was afraid he might cut her or himself. He dropped the sword and it clanged on the floor.
   She picked it up. It shook violently when she held it, too, whipping about like a hose surging with water. She did cut him, on the arm, and dropped the sword.
   They pushed it outside, gently, with the boots on their feet. They dug a hole and buried it.
   They went through the house, pocketed anything that glittered, and made some sandwiches. She was the one who noticed the shotgun propped up beside the refrigerator, at the ready in case anyone unsavory came to the door.
   He wiped his fingers on his pants. His hands shook violently as he picked up the gun.

© 20200618



In the Cake, a Cleaver

In the cake, a cleaver. We need it to cut the cake. We destroy the cake to get the cleaver. Frosting and cake rubble everywhere, but we get the cleaver.
   Putting a cake back together isn't pretty. Our cake resembles an animal that has been run over and remolded from memory. And we forgot to wash our hands before putting our cake back together, which is problematic because after we accidentally left the cleaver in the cake and put the cake in the oven to bake, we went outside and dug holes in the dirt with our hands. Now we don't want to eat the cake at all.
   We frost the cleaver instead and put it in the oven. We turn the oven up past one thousand degrees and watch the frosting melt away. We watch the big flat blade of the cleaver begin to glow orange. We look at each other and smile even as the smoke burns our eyes.

© 20200617



Pelican Summer

They open their mouths and push out their spines. It's too hot to do anything else. Their vertebrae thrum with electricity.
   Out fly the fish they had swallowed whole for lunch. Ants find the fish and plug their hot plates into the spinal current. A fish fry is on. It turns into a poker game once the food runs out. Cigars are lit, corks are popped. Laughter, threats, gibberish. When the sun goes down, the party breaks up.
   They suck in their spines and close their mouths. It's now cool enough for deep thought, sleep.

© 20200616



Do the Cremation

Unburdened of the invisible stuff that makes us us, our bodies gather in the moonlight, rotting and dropping dirt, and dance around a raging bonfire. The shindig sounds like a bag of shinbones being shaken. No hoots and hollers, just sighs and the occasional fart escape our cavities.
   Some body falls into the bonfire, gets up, and continues cavorting. And just like that, the night witnesses the birth of a new dance craze. Soon every body is doing The Cremation.

© 20200615



Call Your Lemon Off

Call your lemon off. It means to attack me with its brilliant white teeth. It means to blind my eyes with its acid spit. Draw stripes on its yellow skin to make it something else. Better yet, flay it and squeeze its guts over my glass of fizz. Pour a little of that down my gullet, then pour some on the bleeding bite on my arm, the one I gave myself and blamed on the lemon so that we could arrive at precisely this delicious moment in time.

© 20200612



The Elevator

The top of the elevator car is piled high with rolling babies; the bottom is barnacled with grown men clinging for their lives. The elevator rises to the top of the shaft and a man plummets to his death; it descends and a baby rolls off and lands softly on the body of a man. The baby crawls away into the darkness.
   The elevator climbs, a man dies.
   The elevator goes down, a baby falls.
   It goes up, a man dies.
   It goes down, a baby falls.
   Eventually, the story ends.

© 20200611



A Fire Walked Down the Street

A fire walked down the street on legs of flame. It was small at first, but grew as it encountered things in its path that it could eat: trash, animals, automobiles, humans, buildings.
   People had forgotten that fire could be extinguished with water——the hydrants had long been dry and rusted tight——so the fire ate whatever it wanted.
   All this eating resulted in a feeling of fire in the fire's belly. The fire went to a pharmacy looking for something to ease the burning, but in the process it ate the pharmacy. It went to a doctor's office seeking relief, but in doing so it ate that, too.
   How the fire's insides burned!
   Desperate, the fire staggered toward the ocean, driven by some vague knowledge deep within it that fire could be put out with water. The fire burned so badly that it thought it might die. And then it stepped forward into the lapping waves and soon enough it did.

© 20200610



The Hard and Soft Stuffs

A skull made of meat and a brain made of bone. Stones made of flesh and flesh made of stone. Protect the hard stuff with the soft stuff. Gather the hard stuff with the soft stuff.
   A skull made of bone and a brain made of meat. Stones made of stone and flesh made of flesh. Imprison the soft stuff with the hard stuff. Pulp the soft stuff with the hard stuff.

© 20200609



Thought Circles

He thought circle and the clouds above him formed a circle. He thought square and the clouds formed a square. He thought triangle and the clouds formed a triangle.
   He thought triangle on top of square on top of circle and the clouds formed something vaguely phallic.
   He thought triangle inside of square inside of circle and when the clouds reformed, it was just a solid circle.
   It was pleasing.
   He roamed, found more clouds, and filled these other skies with different circles that were all the same.

© 20200608



The Worst Person for the Job

Congratulations! We have determined you are the worst person for the job. For this you deserve the opposite of a medal. We're thinking an amulet filled with bodily fluids or a chain of dog shit might be appropriate.
   You also deserve a pay decrease. So now, not only will you receive no salary, but you will also pay us a certain amount every two weeks. We haven't decided on an amount yet, but you can assume it will be exorbitant.
   Because you are the worst person for the job, which was actually the easiest job within our organization, you are underqualified and will need to undergo an extensive training schedule. Unfortunately, our head trainer has let us know that you have been deemed untrainable. So you're being removed from your position.
   But, no worries: we created a new job for you! You just need to sit there and let anyone who stops by throw things at you, strike you, spit on you, curse you, graffiti you, et cetera. An internal survey reveals that morale is already rising among everyone here——thanks for doing such a great job.

© 20200605



Shummer in the Shitty

The sound of spiders walking and butterflies breathing. The smell of sun shining and pure waters running. The taste of brand-new air falling and and chlorophyl rising.
   Ho-diddly-hum.
   Or:
   Charred hamburgers and sweet beer spilling, wet sweat and fatty smoke wafting, sirens wailing and neighbors balling.
   Shum-diddly-yum.

© 20200604



There Are Rivets Everywhere

Shorn of locks and keyed up before flying, we fail to inquire about our destination or why hair is no longer required.
   On landing somewhere lush, we find indications——corpses, faded signs——that the water isn't potable. Empty buckets of green paint abound. Grass crumbles and flakes when touched.
   There are rivets everywhere.
   The plane takes off as we survey our surroundings. We watch it rise against the unfinished sky, where blue fades to primer white, through which seeps flat black.

© 20200603



Rats Rise

Rats rise. They steal a convertible and drive to a fast-food restaurant. They squeak into the intercom order box. The cashier on the other end hears nothing. The rats get no food. They pull aside and climb into the trash bins and feast on discarded french fries and ketchupy hamburger buns.
   The rats drive away, one rat on the gas pedal, one on the brake, one steering the convertible, one squeaking directions. But they are full of food and dazed and crash their car into a pole. They tumble and fly from the stolen car. They land, compose themselves, and scatter.
   The next day, rats rise. They steal a yellow school bus and drive to a red schoolhouse.

© 20200602



A New Crop of Pies

A new crop of pies rises from the dirt. We poke our fingers in each one, lick them clean. We like cherry, we like peach, we like rhubarb, we like apple.
   The pies have an effect on us.
   We poke our fingers in each other, lick them clean. We like him, we like her, we like them, we like us.
   But we find it's better if we poke our fingers in the pies then poke our fruited fingers in each other then lick them clean.

© 20200601



Come Bubbling Up

Come bubbling up from the bed like cheese on toasted bread. Appear before us iridescent and slimy. We tell ourselves that no one wants to touch you for your beauty is too much, but it is your pouty mouth that gives us pause. Better some mammal's paw come scoop you into said mammal's malodorous maw while we watch——beerily, beerily, beerily, beerily——beside the running stream.

© 20200529



She Wore a Slip of Light

She wore a slip of light and slippers of hair, her lips cordial, cherries on her nipples. She danced with closed eyes in a room without mirrors or windows, ate everything that presented itself, including herself, and died happy.
   He wore a hat of papier-mâché animal paws and drawers of rainbow suede, posed with a machete that had only cut sugarcane until he cut the rug with it. He dug a tunnel to her, never made it, and died happy hearing the muffled thud of her dancing feet above his head.

© 20200528



The Cube You Wore on Your Head

The cube you wore on your head——the one that blended your beautiful face and hair and skin and skull and brain to a liquid that we dispensed from the bunghole on the front of the cube, a pale pink liquid which we filled our cups with, into which some of us dropped ice cubes, which some of us stabbed with drinking straws, which all of us drank and afterward wept while picking pieces of you from our teeth——that cube: why did you ever deign to put it on?

© 20200527



Know Your Rabbit

Plant the rabbit egg in the ground.
   Put your ear in the dirt and listen for the sounds of hatching; as soon as you hear the crack, dig out the fresh rabbit you find before it suffocates.
   Lick the rabbit clean until it is a healthy shade of pink.
   Suckle the rabbit until it grows soft fur.
   Kiss the rabbit and hide it in the grass.
   Count to one million.
   Search for the rabbit. If you can find it, you planted a bad rabbit egg and should return to step one.

© 20200526



And Dies

A person pissing in the street is hit by a car and dies. The person driving the car runs off the road, hits a pole, and dies. The person atop the pole fixing the wires is electrocuted and dies. The person cleaning the storefront window is hit on the head by the lineman's tools and dies. The person skateboarding down the sidewalk falls over the cleaner and dies.
   The person watching all this unfold from the window of their apartment leaves the last bit of cheese from their sandwich on the floor for their cat, wipes clean their hands, and goes to their bed for a nap. They dream of an open field where rocks rise and fall from the earth like pistons. It makes them laugh in their sleep, which is a welcome diversion from the tightening they feel in their chest.

© 20200525



But Then

There is no language. There is no voice. There is no art.
   There is no window. There is no sky. There is no sun.
   There is no chair. There is no table. There is no room.
   There is no you. There is no they. There is no we.
   But then.
   But then there are you and there are they and there are we in are chairs at are tables in are rooms by are windows beneath are skies beneath are suns are languages, are voices, are arts.
   But then.

© 20200522



The Lid of His Belly

He carved a circle in his belly and removed it. Smoke billowed out of the hole he'd created. The snake crawled in and coiled up. He replaced the lid of his belly.
   He drank a cup of kerosene. Just a cup: any more would kill him.
   His belly rumbled like a furnace waking up. The lid of his belly wobbled. He steadied it with his hand, making sure to leave it slightly askew to let the steam and aroma escape.
   His family appeared one by one. Each sniffed the air and commented on how good he smelled.
   "Almost ready," he said.

© 20200521



Clothskin

Clothskin fades in the sun so stays inside. Clothskin gains weight when wet so avoids water. Clothskin frays easily so avoids touch. Clothskin is highly flammable so avoids flames.
   Clothskin wants an al fresco, seaside, romantic, candlelit dinner with an attractive partner more than anything else in the world.
   Clothskin wants to be different. Clothskin dyes and becomes something new.

© 20200520



The Nodule

There was a nodule on his forearm. He spent the day watching it tremor. He was rewarded when it ruptured and a small slimy homunculus, yellow-beaked and black-haired, poked through. It had skin-covered eyes.
   The thing opened its beak and he drooled into it. A little tongue curled and turned inside the beak, and the thing swallowed. He took some milk into his mouth and drooled it into the beak.
   He petted the eyes of the homunculus to encourage them to open. He felt movement beneath. He pushed on them and they pushed back. He realized they weren't eyes at all but nodules. He took his hand away and waited for whatever was within to burst forth.

© 20200519



The Songbird

There was a songbird that couldn't hold a tune. It opened its beak to sing and it sounded like a whistle in windstorm.
   The bird, depressed, flew to the top of the tree. It lit a final cigarette, smoked it, and prepared to jump.
   A voice called up to the bird. "Don't do it!" It was a cat, on the ground, wringing its paws.
   "And why shouldn't I?" the bird said. "Have you heard my song? It's for shit."
   "I can relate," the cat said. "My owner took me for a ride because my purring sounds like flatulence." The cat performed a farty purr. "Hear what I mean? And now I don't even know where the hell I am."
   "You'll be fine," the bird said. "Cats don't need to purr. But a songbird without a song is just defective." The bird tip-toed to the end of the branch it was perched on. "So long, puss-puss."
   "Wait!" the cat said. "Let me join you. I've got nothing to live for anyway." The cat climbed up the tree and joined the bird. "Ready when you are."
   "On three," the bird said. It counted to three and they jumped.
   The cat somersaulted in the air and landed on its feet. The bird floated a bit and flapped its wings and landed gently on the ground.
   "Great," the bird said. "What do we do now?"
   "Join the circus?" the cat said.
   "They'll never have us."
   The cat looked at the bird and rubbed its palms.
   "You're going to eat me, aren't you?" the bird said.
   "Why should both of us be unhappy?" said the cat.

© 20200518



A Gift

Two friends were talking.
   "He gave me a headache," she said. "What was I supposed to do?"
   "You could have tried to sell it," her friend replied.
   "Sell it?" she said. "You can't give a headache away."
   "It seems that's exactly what he did," the friend said.
   "So you're saying it's my fault for accepting a gift?"
   "I'm saying a headache might be a bad gift, but it's no reason to kill a man."
   "All right, ladies," the prison guard said, "Light's out."

© 20200515



Where There Is Super Premium Slush

Where there is super premium slush, flush children run. Sun is hot and high. So are the adults.
   Bees target eyes. Ice cold cups drip on naked thighs. This could be summer. But it will never be again.

© 20200514



The Benefit

They held a benefit. It was wriggly and white like a maggot and was as big and heavy as a fat child in a sack. When it became too much for whomever to hold, it was passed on to the next person.
   Nobody could recall ever having held such a benefit before. It was, they all agreed, gross.
   "Really," someone said finally, "What is this benefit for?"
   Nobody could say. They decided it was a benefit for its own benefit. They continued holding the benefit, though no one found it enjoyable in the least.

© 20200513



The Keyhole

The keyhole bled a black liquid. He stepped back from the door and returned the key to his pocket. He looked at his feet: no black ooze encroached from beneath the door. He looked up: nothing black dripped down from the top of the door.
   He cautiously touched the doorknob above the keyhole and the black liquid pulsed from the keyhole more forcefully. He made a cup of his hand and caught the liquid. His reflection wobbled in the black pool that had formed in his hand. He brought his hand to his nose and smelled it: it smelled like wood fire.
   He felt something dripping down the flesh of his leg. He lifted the cuff of his pants and saw that his white sock had been spattered black.
   He brought his lips toward his hand and slurped.

© 20200512



A Bird Wearing Boots

A bird wearing boots flies low over the highway. It flies against traffic, the steel caps of the boots knocking the windshields of the cars, spider-webbing some, bouncing off others.
   What does it want? Vengeance for a relative felled by a speeding car? Is it a teenage bird out for mischief?
   Ka-lump, ka-lump, ka-lump, ka-lump, go the bird's little boots.
   Finally, the bird veers off and flies away.
   The next morning, the bird reports to a construction site. In its beak is a sign that reads, Need Work.
   The foreman looks the bird up and down. His eyes pause on the boots, the leather on the toe worn away, some scuffed steel poking through. The foreman thinks, This is a hard-working bird.
   "You're hired," he says.

© 20200511



He Was Made of Dust

He was made of dust. Of dander and crystallized exhalations and crumbs of meals long forgotten.
   He was hard to notice, sitting in his easy chair, but he rose up any time someone fluffed the cushion beneath him. How he could fill a room.
   He hung about in all the well-lit and cozy nooks, where one might seek a moment of solitude, only to be perturbed by his agitated yet silent presence.
   You couldn't get rid of him if you tried——not completely. A part of him was always present, his closet-smell like a tinge of bad cologne that clung to afghan blankets, to warm skin, to the cat's head.
   If he could speak, one could imagine him saying, This is my goddamn house! If he had a mouth that produced saliva, one could imagine the light he occupied flickering through his spit as it flew.

© 20200508



Your Face Is a Racehorse

Be prone. Place a small saddle on your neck. Set an action figure in the small saddle.
   Remove the feedbag from the face of the racehorse that is your face. Attach a bridle and reins to the racehorse.
   Give the reins to the action figure and pull the string at its back to bring it to life.
   "Yahoo!" says the action figure as it cracks the reins.
   The racehorse that is your face rears up. When its hooves hit the ground, it takes off running, dragging your dead weight like a sledge toward the door it intends to burst through.

© 20200507



Moon Movements

The moon shits in space. Following an especially spicy dinner, these movements may evacuate with enough force to break the gravitational pull of their maker.
   Moon movements take a long time to reach the earth. When they finally do, after passing through cold dark space for many, many thousands of miles, they are inert lumps of rock bearing no signs of fiery birth. They fall unseen into oceans or mountains or forests.
   But sometimes they fall into fresh cow pies at the feet of farmers. The farmers pick these moon shits up, wash them off, and secret them into closets where other rare and important things like old coins and deeds are kept.

© 20200506



From Behind Brocade Curtains

A throng of laborers whose heads have been kicked in by the mules they work with gather outside the mansion of their boss to protest for better working conditions. They each hold up signs emblazoned with gibberish in bright red paint. The few that can stand do so on wobbly legs, black-eyed and on the cusp of vomiting, before collapsing alongside their fellow workers.
   Their boss peers at them from behind brocade curtains. "These illiterate layabouts can't even do their jobs properly," he says to his hound. "It's no wonder their rebellion is shit, too."

© 20200505



The Trees

Trees bend from the weight of the water within them. Their bark is furred and slimy. Their branches are lank, their leaves dark and dripping.
   "What is happening to us?" they whisper.
   "We are sick," they whisper.
   "We are overfull of life," they whisper.
   "We are dying," they whisper.
   One of the trees lies down. And then another does the same. Then another and another until all the trees are on the ground.
   "What is happening to us?" they whisper.
   But even that is too loud; it hurts to hear anything. "Shh," they say, "Shh."

© 20200504



The Island

The island anchors break and the island is set adrift.
   The people on the island wonder where they will be taken. Someone suggests fashioning a huge sail to catch the wind. So they kill all the animals on the island and skin them. They stitch all the skins together and hang the skin sail between the two volcanoes that punctuate the center of the island.
   The sail bulges with wind and the island moves swiftly across the sea.
   But then the people of the island realize they cannot reposition the sail. Therefore, they cannot chart their course.
   Then the volcanoes erupt violently, thrusting the island beneath the waves. And the island and its people are forever forgotten.

© 20200501



Egg Party

The brown eggs drink white wine, the white eggs drink brown liquor. The music is loud enough to vibrate the jelly inside their shells. This inner rhythmic wiggle leads to amorous feelings. Some eggs roll close together and kiss as eggs do: skinny top pressed against fat bottom. Some roll down the stairs and meet their end, leaving a mess that will need to be cleaned up in the morning, just like at our parties.

© 20200430



The Businessman

Thick body in too-small thermal suit, face laced with blood, takes lumps from a baseball bat for five dollars each in the alley behind the pizzeria.
   It's business.
   Onlookers wait their turn at the bat, wait for the moment when the businessman loses his temper and lashes out——or loses consciousness and the purse he's earned.
   Meanwhile, father is at home being primped by teenage girls bound for cosmetology school and abortion clinics. Makes them paint pimples on his face so he can feel young. He wants his hair teased as high as theirs.
   It's pleasure, yes, but where is the goddamn pizza?

© 20200429



A Miserable Child

The child was born with no mouth. The parents of the child drew one on its face with makeup, which they changed depending on its mood: a smiling mouth in bright red lipstick was the default, a black circle meant surprise, a squiggle meant a fit was forthcoming, a violent scribble meant extreme distress.
   But because the child didn't really have a mouth, all the sounds it made leaked haphazardly from its nose, ears, eyes, and anus. So really, the child's parents were only guessing at its true emotions.
   When the child was older, it drew a frown on its face. The parents tried to change the child's mouth with makeup as they had always done, but the child refused to let them.
   "We always knew you were a miserable child," they said.

© 20200428



Mr. and Mrs. Wrong

Her name was Right.
   She asked her parents why they had given her such a peculiar name.
   "We were told we couldn't have a child," they said, "but then we made you."

© 20200427



Inside the Head of the House Cat

Inside the head of the house cat is a jungle planet where everything is green and dripping. A monkey in a tree drops a banana peel onto the head of a man in khaki carrying a hunting rifle. He looks up and in doing so does not notice the python lacing his legs. The man hears a rustling in the underbrush: it is a giant tiger smoking a cigarette and walking calmly toward him. He tries to move but his feet are bound by the snake. The man raises his rifle and takes aim at the tiger. He inhales and squeezes the trigger. It clicks meekly. He fires again; again there is no gunfire. The humid jungle air has incapacitated his weapon. He unclasps the machete at his waist and prepares to hack the reptile that has roped him.
   The tiger flicks away its cigarette and charges.

© 20200424



What Automobiles Were For

There was a time when people did not know what automobiles were for. The people in the snowy regions of the world turned them on their hoods and used them to sled down mountains. The people of the seas attached great inflated bladders to them and traversed the oceans. The people in the heartland turned them into sun-baked shelters.
   Then someone had the idea to set a car on its four tires, attach wings to it, and spark the engine that slept beneath its hood. This brave person piloted the car to an abandoned strip of packed earth. People gathered and watched. The engine revved——and the automobile was off!
   A cloud of dust went up, obscuring all. The vehicle screeched like a bird of prey. And then it appeared, a flash of metal against the blue sky, shedding the dust like red exhaust. It was flying, really flying!

© 20200423



Aisle Three

A man walked into a store with a handsaw bisecting the top of his head. He was covered in blood.
   The clerk pointed to aisle three. "First aid is down there." He returned his attention to the comic book he had been reading when the man walked in.
   "Thank you," the man said. He went to the aisle, then returned to the check-out counter with a small packet of bandages.
   "Sure that's all you need?" said the clerk.
   "It's nothing, really." The man showed the clerk his palm, which had a small red welt. "Just a blister on my sawing hand."

© 20200422



The Cave of Fur

Each morning, he left his house before first light, traveled into the forest, and explored a cave crowded with fur.
   Each evening, he returned home before dark and attempted to hug his wife, who kept him at arm's length.
   "Who do you love that is harboring animals?" she asked, plucking tufts of fur from his shirt.
   He reminded her of the cave of fur, which he had been exploring for years.
   "Did you fall asleep in there again?" she asked.
   "I can't help it," he said. "The fur is so soft, so abundant——it is like no bed on earth! Won't you come experience it with me?" He reached once more to embrace her.
   She sneezed once . . . twice . . . three times. "Why do you live to torment me?" she asked. "You know I'm allergic to fur! Go outside and turn the hose on yourself."
   "Like no bed on earth!" the man repeated.

© 20200421



The Gumball Machine

Pull a coin from your nose. Drop it into the coin slot on the gumball machine. Turn the handle. Hear the gumballs shift and tumble.
   Clink goes something against the metal flap. Lift it like the garage door you once opened and saw:
   A father pretending to work on a car or a mother smoking cigarettes or a sibling pushing their head through the wall or a cat big enough to ride or a skating rink of blood or a bountiful vegetable garden or wind.
   Lift the flap. Open the plastic egg that falls into your hand. Take the coin you find inside and put it up your nose.

© 20200420



The Slant

We live on the slant. Find a crevice to cling to and stay there. Fingers and toes as raw as rare meat. Exhausting.
   The sun bakes us. We're all blonde or red-haired, red-bodied or black. Always thirsty, always hungry. When we expire or just give up, we slide down the slant like it's a carnival ride.
   The clouds look nice below us. And it's a fine sight watching one of the strong among us descend through the white wisps, with empty water skins and food sacks waiting to be filled.
   Or not. More often not.
   But what a vision it is sometimes: one of us, bedraggled, three-quarters dead, climbing back up through the clouds, laden with water, berries, rodent meat. Blazing white teeth gritting in exertion, grinning in happiness.

© 20200417



The Freezer and the Animator

The Animator gave life to all the things the Freezer froze with his finger.
   The Freezer was a cold, cold man.
   The Animator drew happiness from everything she touched. A dead cat came purring to life beneath her hand. Flowers unshriveled under her thumb.
   The Freezer hated the Animator because she ruined his life's work. The Animator didn't care for the Freezer either because she wanted to retire.
   They had a meeting. The Freezer agreed to only freeze those things which were close to death. The Animator agreed to leave his work alone.
   They each held out a hand to shake on it.

© 20200416



The Hurt Burned

His ear leaked. The leak arced. The arc pooled. The pool scummed. The scum browned. The brown hurt. The hurt burned.
   The burn hurt.
   The hurt burned.
   The burn hurt.
   The hurt burned.

© 20200415



Blueless

The rain washes the blue from the sky. The sky is gray, blueless. This makes some people sad.
   Those who prefer a gray sky get to be happy for a while.
   The sad people sigh their sadness out. The sadness floats into the ether and paints the sky blue once more.
   The gray sky people cry. Why, they cannot say. Their tears atomize and seed the clouds and the rain that results washes the blue from the sky.
   The sky is gray, blueless.

© 20200414



The Raccoon

A man saw two eyes in the dark outside his window: a creature, low to the ground.
   He went outside and approached the animal, which was unafraid and didn't move. The man turned on a flashlight and saw that it was a raccoon, but the raccoon had his face. It was like looking into a mirror.
   The man turned off the flashlight. Only the creature's eyes were visible again. The raccoon with his face blinked and disappeared.
   The man went inside. It was time for bed. He went to the bathroom to wash up and in the mirror saw that his face was now that of a raccoon. He bared his teeth: small and yellow. He twitched his nose cutely. But his eyes had a sad glint, and he felt suddenly lonely.
   He went into the kitchen and turned over the trash can, spilling banana peels, coffee grounds, and fat trimmings all over the floor. He opened the door wide. Bed could wait. He had never thrown a party; it was time to have one.

© 20200413



The Waving Hand

While returning from the grocery, you see somebody waving behind a window. You wave back.
   They continue to wave.
   You draw nearer, still waving.
   They remain in the window, still waving.
   You leave the sidewalk for their front yard, closer to the person, still waving.
   They remain in the window, still waving.
   You part the bushes beneath the window and press your face against the pane, still waving.
   The person stops waving and gently peels each finger of the waving hand like a banana, revealing pale banana-like flesh. The person opens the window, devours one finger, and offers you your choice of the remaining four appendages.
   "I have ice cream," you say, before choosing the middle, biggest finger.

© 20200410



Sledgehammer Head

Sledgehammer Head is hired to demolish walls with his head. He continually knocks himself out while he works. The foreman sends him home for the afternoon. Tells him to come back to work when he's feeling better.
   Sledgehammer Head returns to the job site the next morning. Knocks himself out knocking down walls again. The foreman sends him home and tells him to come back when he's feeling better.
   Sledgehammer Head returns to the job site the next morning. He's wearing a hard hat. He knocks down walls but it takes him twice as long. The foreman tells him it's not working out, sends him home, says, "No hard feelings."
   "No hard feelings?" says Sledgehammer Head. "Hard feelings are all I've got!"

© 20200409



The Little Worm

No one could know that the little worm, hatched from a chocolate egg, would soon outgrow its nest at the bottom of the Easter basket, outgrow the closet where the basket had been forgotten, and outgrow the abandoned home that housed the closet.
   No one could know that it would grow bigger than any creature ever seen, and overtake all of New England, destroying all in its path.
   It now makes its way toward Manhattan.

© 20200408



Digging for Gold Teeth

Digging for gold teeth in the backyard of a vampire, a man came across the bones of an animal beneath the rotting structure of an abandoned dog house. He assumed it to be the remains of a small mutt.
   From behind a heavily-curtained window of its house, the vampire yelled at him to leave. But the man wasn't scared that the vampire would come after him; it was a sunny day.
   The man treated the dog bones archaeologically, with great care, until he unearthed the skull and discovered in the broken jaw a gold tooth. The man couldn't believe his good fortune. Who but a vampire, with centuries of riches both earned and stolen, would allow their dog a gold tooth? He sucked the dirt off the tooth, held it up, and admired its glint in the sun.
   The vampire continued to yell at him.

© 20200407



The End of Books

Every book released a swarm of stinging bees when opened. Some people were dying to read. Others said it was proof that nothing good ever came from books.
   The situation was deemed untenable.
   All books were placed in boxes with glass screens. A mechanism was devised to turn the pages, though nothing could be seen for all the bees buzzing about.
   The bees died and filled the boxes. Then there was really nothing more to see.

© 20200406



The First Death

The first death was a lovely affair, attended by none but the one who was dying. It took place on a bright summer day, in the woods, beneath the shade of trees. The dying one lay on a cool carpet of moss. Consciousness gave way to a lucid dream of flight, in which mountains were seen from above.
   All the while, the dying one felt the sun slanting upon them. First, it warmed their toes.
   And then their shins.
   And then their thighs.
   And then their genitalia.
   And then their belly.
   And then their chest.
   And then their neck.
   And then their mouth, which they opened to the warmth. The warmth, which they ate with a smile.

© 20200403



A Midnight Snack

He woke up at midnight wanting a snack. He wanted a chicken sandwich. He put on his boots and coat and drove to a nearby farm where they kept chickens.
   He arrived at the farm and entered the chicken coop, armed with the remains of a loaf of bread he'd baked the night before when he'd woken up craving something warm and doughy. He called out into the dark to the chickens, grabbed the first one that came to him, wrapped it in bread, and began eating it.
   It didn't taste good at all. There was something gamy about the meat. And it was furry and seemed to have four feet. And it smelled awful.
   "Well, you old idiot," he told himself, "you ended up at the skunk farm again."
   He allowed himself another sandwich before heading back home.

© 20200402



The Lumberjack Plate

Pestilence for breakfast, please. Make mine a lumberjack plate.
   Hello? I'm here for the free breakfast. Ah, I see you're in the process of dying. Perhaps I can speak to your manager?
   Thanks for taking my order. I'm here for the breakfast deal. Free breakfast, I was told by the television, any size. Funny, I don't even want it. Haven't had an appetite in weeks, in fact. Yet, here I am.
   You know, you don't look so hot yourself.
   But as I was saying, I'll have the lumberjack plate. Assuming it's the biggest one you have, yes, I'll have the lumberjack plate.

© 20200401



Bottomless

A man went into a diner that advertised in flashing neon a bottomless cup of coffee. He sat at the counter and told the waitress he'd have coffee, black.
  &em